Only 5 Months into our marriage....

My husband and I got married October 25 this past year. Prior to this we had dated 3 years and known each other for 5 before that. So 8 years I've known him.

We didn't really plan anything big for our marriage. We just went on a Friday and went out of town for the weekend.

Since then he has inherited some money from his family, with which we've been using to help fund a business together. So far we have equipment and will be relocating in a little over a month to a larger location to give us space to shoot.

But now it's tax time and I went yesterday to get it all straightened out. As it turns out we're going to owe a significant amount more than what we had estimated, that is if I've just completely misunderstood the terms and conditions of these accounts. While it does hurt us, it doesn't make us completely broke or even not able to move. It really simply requires better money management and a bit of sacrifice on both our ends. It won't be an EASY thing but it's entirely workable.

However, my husband sees this situation entirely different. In HIS eyes, we are fucked. He wants to give up. He's talking about selling his camera equipment and basically quitting everything we've been working towards in the last year. Even going as far as telling me to leave while I can because he's just dragging me down with him. Literally telling me that he just knows that my life will never be as happy as it could be if I stay. I should also point out that this isn't the first time he's done this...it's been ongoing since we first got together. And I know alot of it is out of his own insecurity, he did this MORE when we initially got together, but the fact that this is becoming a constant thing whenever any kind of tragedy strikes is absolutely terrifying. I feel like he's dropping the ball.

As for me, I am a solutions person. I panic the least in moments where I have control and options. But instead of sitting down with me and helping me figure it out, he freaks out telling me this is an all or nothing situation. Either he works on the business or gets a job...that he can't do both.

When all this time I've been doing just that with my photography and my day-job....which is our only source of income at this point.

So now I not only have to figure this out, but I have until April 10 to find us a new place to live, along with his friend we had moving down from Ohio to work with us.

I've tried time and time again that it's not the crisis that scares me. We can work through it together and we have made it on significantly less money. It's the constant negativity, the feeling like I'm in this alone because he's "tapping out" he's "done" and how our "life as we know it is over" and then hearing him tell me for the 3rd time this month that he can never make me as happy as I would be if I just left.

I can handle the financial challenge...but when I feel like my husband is dropping the ball...that's when I don't know what to do...I told him yesterday that it just makes me feel scared and alone...

I feel like this is way bigger than me and I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it. I want to make him feel better but how can I do that when I'm the only one willing to handle this and get through it?

 

try to make it clear to him that you ARE happy in your marriage and that you DON'T want to leave.

then when he says things like "you'd be happier without me" you should yell at him to quit saying stupid shit like that. it doesn't help.

sorry i don't have better advice. good luck

 

That's exactly what I've been telling him. But according to him, I'm just blind. That I don't know that and I'm too young to deal with his BS. I tried to get it through to him yesterday that that only thing that ever makes me want to leave is stupid shit like this.

 

He needs some tools to cope with his anxiety and break the cycle of 'all or nothing' when disaster strikes.

 

Sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy from his side

 

So you're dealing with a dual marriage crisis and business crisis.

Marriage counseling is my stock answer for relationship issues. It sounds like these are going to be ongoing problems, so it's probably best to get them fixed now if you want the marriage to last.

You might want to contact SBA/SCORE for some free business counseling. They may also be able to help set you up with a business loan.

While your husband seems to be plagued with self doubt, it's not necessarily a bad idea to question continuing with the business.

About half of new businesses fail in the first year, even more after five years. If you have a solid business plan and are really committed to making it as entrepreneurs, starting a business can be worth the risks. If your commitment is shaky or your plan is flawed, it might be better to give it up.

 

See, herein lies my problem. I've tried to talk to him about seeking help for his anxiety and panicking. He's even admitted it being a problem. But in his eyes, counseling is a bunch of crock.

I reminded him again yesterday that we need to figure out SOMETHING to help him deal with the anxiety because it blocks our way to finding solutions when he breaks down and freaks out. But it's the SAME answer every time.

"I can't deal with it any other way. This is just how I'm wired."
And even the notorious "you knew what you were signing up for."

We smoke regularly to help with both our anxiety and while it helps him tremendously, this is still the same roller coaster.

And when discussing the business, his response is, "well I guess this tells us that maybe it's not what I should do."

The problem with this is that I know it's doable. If he can compromise and put some work into the next few months. But the fact that he just seems completely unwilling to compromise...it doesn't make me feel like we're a team as much as I wish that we could be.

I'm working almost 40 hrs a week, trying to get my photography going, as well as trying to help him not only with his anxiety but starting his end of the business. And I really don't know what more I can do if this is how it's going to be when a crisis happens and he refuses to deal with it any other way than freaking out.

I want this to work more than anything...but again, I don't know what else I can possibly do.


<3 Bunnie

 

How does he react if you confront him with this?

 

Maybe you should have him read what you have written out. Do not discuss it right away and let it sit with him for a bit. Sometimes people need time to catch up on what they are feeling. You write in a supportive manner and hopefully he will see that and you will both work through this. That can make a marriage stronger.

 

Marriage is about compromise, meeting each other halfway, (BOTH of you) doing what you can to ensure your marriage works. Sounds like he's not willing to do the work necessary to maintain your marriage. I would suggest that if he's not willing to talk to a counselor/therapist or work through this issue, then you tell him you want a divorce. Don't threaten, mean it. If he's not willing to work on your marriage, leave him.

When we got together, hubby and I decided we wouldn't throw out the "D" word (divorce) unless we really meant it. There were a few times when we asked each other if the other wanted a divorce and the response was always "No." We decided a long time ago that our marriage was important and we do what is necessary to make it a good one.

I understand your hubby's demeanor (partly). Mine was an alcoholic and told me I was better off without him after he met my parents. It was too late then. I was already in love with him and told him I wouldn't dump him because he was an alcoholic. He decided to quit drinking and was sober for eight years. We had some issues (his mother died suddenly, problems with our home) that happened at once and he went back to drinking. He isn't abusive or anything, so we worked it out. He has gone back and forth between being sober and drinking, but it's a work in progress. I don't mind him having a drink as long as he's not drunk every night. As I said, he's not abusive and has a steady job. I realize he's not perfect and we do the best we can.

Your hubby needs to give up the all or nothing attitude or it will ruin your marriage. No one can stay with someone who always has a negative attitude. It's draining. If he can't handle this, what will happen if you have children?

 

Even if he won't go to counseling for anxiety, would he be willing to go to marriage counseling? I suppose you could try seeing a counselor unilaterally.

A meditation practice might help with his anxiety.

He sounds pretty unreliable. Imho, unless you can take on all of the responsibility of managing the business if necessary, you might want to give up on this. Starting a business takes a lot of hard work and money, and is usually pretty stressful. The odds of success in business are slim even under relatively good conditions. If one or both of you has health issues, the marriage itself has trouble, money is tight, and he's showing himself to be unreliable, the odds get a lot worse.

Partnerships are generally advised against in business. Usually a fight develops along the way, and often a business will collapse as a result.

You may have to prioritize either the business or your marriage. A struggling business and a struggling marriage both take work, and frankly I don't know of anyone who has succeeded in making both work. It would be another story if either the marriage or the business were in a solid position, but it's hard for me to see this working out if both are in crisis.

Imho, if you can't stabilize at least one, one or both will collapse.

Talking to a marriage counselor and a business counselor unilaterally could help you clarify the best plan of action.

Hope that one or both can work out!

 

Perhaps you should take him at his word. I'm assuming that he knows himself and realizes that he can't "cut it" as you can and is now resorting to some mental game-maybe learned from his childhood environment. Maybe he was told in his youth that he wasn't worth a damn and he believes it. If he refuses to go to counseling, he must be very comfortable falling back into his negative behavior. This obviously needs to change--or you will have to drag his psychological problem behind you like a sack of rocks for -----how long? Children? No-no-no-no. Kids need examples of how to recognize and treat problems they will encounter along the way. Will he be able to do that as he is?? I think you know the answer to that one. Anyway--take care and good luck on your dream.

 

this is just some article that I found on the subject:
http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/biz/Biz_ops/20010525a.asp

 

Good one. I'm afraid it's time to let him go. Sad---but time goes so swiftly that a decision seems due--NOW. Counseling or the road.

 

Thank you for all of your input...I've tried for so long to believe it would just work itself out as we grew together but we continue to go back to this same crisis mode. I do understand his concern but every one of the options you all mentioned has been brought up numerous times and/or tried.

Marriage counseling he wouldn't even go to in order to get a discount on our marriage license.

Meditation has been brought up more recently several times but he insists that he's tried and it doesn't help. I've tried walking him through different exercises to clear his head, but he gets aggravated that I just don't accept him as he is.

It's become fairly obvious that he is addicted to his anger. He said that outlet is the only thing that makes him feel better. I've tried to tell him how dangerous that could be for us and he insists that it's more dangerous if he holds it in.

I think what upsets him more than anything is that I don't just accept that it's just how his brain is wired. Even yesterday when I made it clear to him that I don't know what else to do but leave (I haven't even said the word "divorce" yet because I don't want that).

But what else can I do when he's so stubborn that he's become accepting of the idea of staying at a gas station his whole life. He's capable of more than that and I know that...everyone else around him knows that...

It truly scares me...that he feels so hopeless yet is so stubborn about his emotions staying exactly as they are.

I know everything you all are saying is 100% true...

And I know this is something I should have figured out before we got married...I guess I just thought that would make him feel more secure and driven.

I want a life with HIM. The intelligent man that I love so much...but I don't want to compromise my dreams to continue down his path of self distraction. And it truly makes me feel like I have failed him as his wife.


<3 Bunnie

 

Oh, Bunnie--don't blame yourself. You haven't failed at all. You've tried and (probably) tried again and again. "I guess I just thought that would MAKE him feel more secure and driven." Horse and water, Bunnie. Horse and water. Sometimes the thing that hurts us the most is what we have to face.

 

I think you should tell him the above quote. If he doesn't want to address the anger issues to make your marriage a happier one, then leave him. Tell him that you will and MEAN it.

You can't make someone change. People can change IF they want to. I am all for people changing BAD habits or unhealthy habits, which will make them happier.

Don't be surprised if you end up divorced. If he is selfish, he will continue to refuse to do anything with regards to self improvement. Better to divorce now than later. For goodness sakes, DON'T have kids. It will only make things worse.

I really hope he gets help for his issues and you can make your marriage work.

 

I don't think you've failed him. You can't change somebody who doesn't want to change.

You can see a counselor on your own to help figure out where you should go from here, and you can hope for him and encourage him to change, but that's about it.

 

Reading all of the above posts, it seems that the only thing you can do is to choose between your life dreams and your husband. If you do get to a point where there's nothing else you can do other than make that decision, just remember to take the time to write down all the pros and cons, including potential future issues for each one (such as kids, finances, etc). I know this is all pretty obvious stuff... I'm sorry I can't help more.

I hope some of the other suggestions involving talking to him more will help get through to him.

I'll be keeping up with your posts, please continue letting us know what's going on. Wishing you all the best.

 

Once again, thank you all for your input. This has been incredibly rough on us...I'm going later today to try and figure our tax situation out and then we're going to see some of his family to see if maybe they can help us.

I've been trying to compromise with him but he's just stuck at this point right now. I'm talking to some people I'm really close to and every single suggestion made is one that I've tried over and over again. But I still get the same answer:
"This is just how I'm wired. There's no changing that."

Meditation, medication, counselling, there's always some kind of argument expressing his inability to change.

Mental attitude is everything...this right here proves it. I've tried to break that down for him over and over again in the most respectful way possible but it's still the same thing:
"Well, I guess I'm fucked then."

I know his side...I've heard it over and over again. He cannot get passed the fact that we are tiny insignificant beings on a tiny planet floating in the cosmos and we all die in the end. He gets stuck in his negativity because he doesn't want to be disappointed anymore.

Last night I tried to talk to him about taking some classes so that we don't feel so lost, but now he just feels guilty for putting this all on me to begin with.

I'm trying to take this one step at a time. Because we have until April 10 to figure out where we're moving to when our lease is up, on top of taking care of these taxes, on top of a friend of ours that was planning on moving in with us from another state.

I haven't had the courage to talk to our friend yet because I wouldn't even know where to begin right now without putting all of this on him as well. I'm trying to wait until we at least figure out our taxes before I drop any kind of bomb on him.

I'm trying to be supportive and help us work through this...but I feel like my life was just pulled from under me all while carrying all of this. It breaks my heart and I'm scared...but all I know to do is take this one step at a time.