Old Crone, I need some guidance...

Hi, I remember some time ago I asked you about my past lives (my old user name was Sniper) and you told me some things that totally blew my mind.

I've been pretty much alone wandering in circles all my life, and never really had any idea where my life is headed or what my purpose is. I have a basic idea what I want to do but there are a few possibilities of how to get there and I can't take all paths because that would take many lifetimes... Can you give me any advice or at least a general direction to go with my life career wise?

Also another question regarding 'relationships' or a lack of them, I have a few good female friends that have always been just regular friends, and even with a physical attraction and lots in common I often feel like no one wants to get too close to me or like people just don't understand me... I have a very negatively biased view of the world and women in general (thanks to my dad's wife and a very abusive childhood) which makes me always assume that when people seem to want to be my friend they just want to use me to gain something at my loss, and I find it really hard to tell who my real friends are if I even have any... in the past when I tried to get closer to someone than as friends it always went so wrong so fast that I don't really want any kind of relationships anymore, I'm so used to being alone anyway that it seems like that's how I'm meant to be, but yet I'm so depressed and empty inside and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep living like this.

At some of the worst times in my past I've tried to artificially shorten my life with everything from razorblades and pills to (almost) forcing hot lead through my brain, but it seemed like some higher being wouldn't let my life end even though my body should have died... it's like some 'god' or whatever has some big plans for me that I have to do first before I leave this body. I'm so confused and lost right now, I just don't know where to go or what to do and I want to try to figure that out while I still have a chance to do something pleasant with an otherwise cruel joke of a life.

Thanks for your help

 

The journey begins with but one choice...."I Choose"

Hi Civic

This is the hard part because we want all the answers, ( Some would help) and to be on our way knowing we are headed in the best, or any direction just so we are not where we are. The truth of the matter is until we start right where we are we have not begun at all.

Make a list of priorties for yourself. Then do what is necessary to begin creating these priroties. Start with just one. Then when you get the hang of it add more. There was a time when my one priority was to get out of bed. I first had to want to...Too Choose. No garentees or promises of what came after that, just that I had to make the effort to get out of bed.

So Pick one of the things you want to do, and go for it. Give it your all, and your best shot. Be willing to create, and change as you go. Each choice brings the lessons and experiences you want, need, and wish to face within yourself. So you are working on different levels in one reality. They say a blind man does not see with his hands in his pockets. So it is with our choices. Until we act on the things before us we see little of the direction, or results of going somewhere. Start by choosing and then believing in yourself. Create your fire, and passion inside. Then DO what you need to to make the Doing happen.

Relationships are part of this as well. Until we develope a relationship with ourselves we will flounder in the sands, and not the sea's of existance. I had a friend once tell me that until five fingered grace, and or dirty harry got with the motion the results would be lacking. Ok that is a bit crude but I think is the place to start with awareness. Until we know, and love who we are, we will know, and love no one. That does not mean you have to start with masterbation, or a vibrator.... but it does mean that we have no excuses with the past, and ourselves. We are our choices. WE ARE OUR CHOICES. So you do not like what you are doing, or where you are...Change it. Change how you relate, and or respond. ONE CHOICE at a time. Kind of like a diet. You set the goals, and the follow through depends on just how badly you want to reach that goal.

Taking your life is a path, but in the end when all is said and done you, will still have to face yourself, and the choices you made. Death is not the end but the beginning of understanding((( we are where we are because we choose to be.))) The beginning of all power, and love is in the way you choose, as much as the choosing.

So find yourself in this moment and day, and your direction will lay before you with promises you never dreamed. Yup the first choice is the hardest. But this is where you face yourself, and truly begin to understand what love, and compassion are. When we stop running away..... we start running with power inside our own wholeness.

 

"Civicwithawankel"... does this mean that you dropped a Wankel engine into that Civic?

Hey Civic!

Old Crone asked me to add my comments to this post, so please don't feel that I'm coming in here cold...

I agree with what the Crone said to you... and I would add this:


The way that I have dealt with my abusive childhood is to let those feelings go. By letting go, I mean to see that the abuse you suffered was purpetrated by another human being.

Yes, parents... biological or otherwise, are Human. They have all the frailties and outrages that we do. They make mistakes and don't really know how to cope sometimes. Just like us. So if you can see yourself, maybe just a little bit of yourself, in those who hurt you, maybe you can start by forgiving yourself for being human. When you can forgive yourself somewhat, perhaps you can also forgive them... and when you really and truly forgive another... you Let Go of all those negative feelings.

Now a word about the negative feelings that you get when you reach into your brain, rummage around to find something to hurt yourself with, bring it up on your "Now Screen", and beat yourself over the head with them.

You don't have to do this. The anger and pain are in the past. Forgive the past, then Leave it there where it belongs. Take from it the lessons that you need to get on with your life, but leave the pain and anger behind. The best lessons in Life come from the negative aspects of it that we suffer through. Good times are just a roll in the hay... It's the nasties that truly teach us... if we can see them as lessons.

After all... It's only you who are being hurt again and again by your own thought processes. You are the one who is keeping the pain and anger alive. And... you are the Only One being hurt by your own actions. You don't have to do this ya know.

What I'm saying to you is no simple thing to do. I have to do these things over and over again. Sometimes I succeed and I feel good about myself for a time... then I get into the daily routinee BS and I forget. So... I suck it up and go and forgive myself and others all over again. I've had a lot of things stick in the positive lately, but it's nowhere near perfect. Gawd! I don't know what I'd do if it ever got perfect...

I too have attempted suicide a few times... I got kicked back the same as you. My conclusions were the same as yours too. "There must be some reasons why I have to hang around in this world..."

And you know what? There were and Are!!! I've found that if you give life a chance to happen it will. Sometimes when we get impatient for a change for the better we only succeed in calling more of the negative down on ourselves.

It's like trying to find something that you've lost. The more you look... the more it hides itself. But... when you give up and let go... Bingo! There it is.

I hope that I've made some kind of sense with my rambling. And please know that you aren't alone. There's a lot of us out here with the same life's lessons to be learned.

I'll be thinking about you today, and... Thank You for writing with such passion... you truly gave me an opportunity to re-examine myself and put some of My lessons back into play.

Take Care Now!

Love,

 

"Civicwithawankel"... does this mean that you dropped a Wankel engine into that Civic?"

Right now I have a Civic with a d15a? 4 cylinder but I would like to drop in a 13B rotary as soon as I can find one for cheap enough If there's one thing I enjoy in life it's tuning cars because metal machines are almost a living being only they don't have independant thought (other than adaptive ecms) like humans so they can only act in predictable ways...

All of what both of you said made a lot of sense, the hardest part is just getting motivated enough to do something, well even harder is trying to figure out what I want to do with life. I know what I would 'like' to do but have very little idea how to get there unless I just happen to run into a random rich stranger who is looking for someone to design and build a custom car for them to play with...

Anyway thanks for the advice, if either one of you can 'see' into the future and tell me when/if the big turning point in my life will happen that would be nice, but if not that's fine too...
You guys take care

 

Hi Civic
you started your turning point when you wrote to old crone and when she and Sam wrote back to you. The seeds have being planted and you can choose now if you want to nurter them or turn your back.
Get up in the morning be nice to your self and wonder what kind off beautiful surprises are installed for you. Open your eyes.You might find a quater or someone smiles at you or you find a bargain or get a discount or a butterfly is dancing infront off your nose and says "Hello".
You like cars and I dont know if your a mechanic or if you would like to be one.Have you askt some car repair shops if you could volontier a couple off hours a day or week? You might be able to find a permanent job one day.You know with some money in the pocket things are easier.You could go to a art/ drawing course or buy a good 3D drawing and designing program for your computer. When you are more happy and content with your life then your good energy spreads and I think your love life will improve as well.So kick your self in the butt, patt your self on your shoulder say goodbye to the nasty past and wander into a new begining.Sounds good to me...Good luck Civic. Dreams can come thru.