My daughter and her husband just split. She left him and took their 3 yr. old. My son in law, we think, is clinically depressed. He works with and lives beside his dad who was emotionally, physically and mentally abusive when he was a kid and still is emotionally/mentally abusive to him. My daughter has tried her damndest to free him of his dad even finding another job for him but he will not leave. The father holds him "hostage" if you know what I mean. My daughter is in her mid thirties and she has been with him since she was fourteen. So so sad. The thing is, there is something she doesn't know. A long time ago when she was in University, they split up and he tried to kill himself. The only reason I know is because the guy that saved him was going out with a friend of mine. My son in law doesn't even know that I know. Do I tell my daughter this so she goes back to him and they all spend the rest of their life in misery? Or do I do nothing and if he does commit suicide then I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I love him like my own son. Man, this is killin' me. Please any advice.
No, you don't tell her. If he commits suicide, that's on him. There is no way that you or your daughter should feel chained to, nor responsible for, his possible mental illness. If I were you. I'd contact him and tell him that you care for him. Tell him that it's going to be a major life adjustment for all of you. Remind him to take care of himself and to look for support groups if he feels that he needs to talk to others going through something similar. Make it clear to him that it is your place to support your daughter through this and that you cannot be the support person for him, too.
Thank you Aerianne I have already told him that I love him like a son. I plan to phone him in the next few days and tell him that if he needs to talk I am here. He won't though. As for support groups or something similar? We live in a very small town. Village actually. He was raised "redneck" kinda. Know what I mean? He would never share his feelings with someone Thank you Aerianne for your response I really appreciate it
tend to agree with Aeri co-dependence breeds co-dependence remember there are 2 parts of co-dependence - the victim role and the enabler role - our job is to make sure we keep out of each role as much as possible. good luck Blessings are often the lessons we learn Namaste
If you could tell her in a manner that would cause her to exercise caution, that would be one thing. I would in no way want her going back to him because of the suicide threat. I know people who have trapped themselves for years under that threat - because they felt unduly responsible. The "abuser" and that's what he'd be if he held this threat over her, will play this card to mentally and emotionally abuse her for as long as she stays.
Yes Justin Hale I have thought about that. There is no way you can protect yourself or anybody else from that. I have seen women who have teken out restraining orders on their partners and still ended up dead. I did mention it to my daughter though. Asked her if she thought he would do anything to the whole family. She said "no" but the seed is planted I have made her think about it that is all I can do
Thanks old wolf...I think I see what you mean. They were made for each other so to speak? Funny you know I just remembered something. This is the relationship that me and her father had. He had a terrible life and I ALLOWED him to treat me terribly cuz I felt sorry for him. Wow!
You all know what's going on better than I do. Just throwing out a warning, that's all. Good luck to you all, and hoping for the best for you and yours!
And this is what has been happening Aeri. I think she has stayed this long cuz she feels sorry for him. Hell we all do. His father is some piece of work. But I am catching on to something thru all these responses I am getting. He is kinda stuck in this role. It gets him what he wants. Am I right or wrong about that. By the way he hasn't told my daughter that he is going to do anything at least not yet. Thanks Aeri
Thanks Ranger. Don't think I don't wish I could go up there and slap some sense into him. But we're all scared of what he might do. idk maybe that sounds wussy to you but I don't want it on my shoulders if something bad goes down.
I was part of one of the early Suicide Hotline & Crisis Hotline as part of the '60s Haight Ashbury Switchboard. I came to the conclusion years ago that these behaviors run in families.
So you know what you're talkin' about. My gut feeling is that it's going to happen at some point because of his depression but I want to make sure that I do everything I possibly can to prevent it. Thanks Ranger
Yes Faelix...you have hit the nail on the head. She has been trying to help him and make him happy since she was fourteen yrs. old. She is drained. Empty. Now she has to leave and re-find herself cuz she has lost herself thru all of this. I see now that this has become a lifestyle for him. It's working for him. I wouldn't have seen this if it weren't for you kind people responding to this thread. And yes...it is sad that love can't overcome depression. Thanks Faelix
Love can overcome depression, but in this sort of case it must start with love for himself. Otherwise the one loving him becomes his drug and he becomes like a drug addict dependent as a opium addict.
I guess the couple that I'm most referring, to when I talked about trapping someone, is a super co-dependent couple. One of their issues is that she claims her mother treated her badly when she was growing up. Dumb stuff that wasn't really abuse but this girl needed to play the victim role (long story). She got pregnant and they married when she was 18 and he was 26; so he "rescued" her from her life with her mom. Blah, blah, blah...years passed...deception...manipulation...etc...etc... affairs...guilt..."make up sex baby"...blah blah... Then one day her mother commits suicide. Apparently, it runs in the family, or so she'd like her husband to think. Every time he crosses her she actually throws it in his face that maybe she ought to kill herself the way her mother did. Windy, please do what you can to help your daughter and grandchild break free from that ugly scene.
What a sad situation. It also sounds like it could possibly be a dangerous one for your daughter and grandchild. As it has already been pointed out, it is not unheard of for a suicidal person to turn homicidal, and then suicidal. It is heart-breaking that this father has such a hold over the son, and that the son seems either unwilling and/or unable to break from him. However, that does seem to be key here and nobody can make this grown man "man up". I would also be very concerned about him getting the child, as in visitation. Hopefully he wouldn't want to use the child to make your daughter go back to him. If he begins to display erratic or depressive behavior, they should stay the hell away from him; but I'm sure you already know that. The only reason I think that maybe your daughter may need to hear about his past suicide attempt is so she would be aware of just how unstable he has been in the past...and possibly could become again. I think its great that you have talked to him and that you have let him know that you are there for him to talk to. That ^ being said, I hope you let your daughter know that she and her child will be safer and better off OUT of that!
True, Lynn. It's sad to think but Windy's knowledge of the prior attempt probably needs to be documented because of child custody/visitation concerns.
That's a tough call. If something does happen and she finds out that you knew all along and said nothing she could become resentful and angry at you. Also if she is made aware of how deep his depression goes she would be more aware of when she may need to call for help. They have a child so they will always have some contact and its something she needs to know. Bottom line is a death by suicide effects those around them like no other. It is devastating weather the condition is previously known or not. So you are not protecting her by withholding information. I am a little confused on a issue. A lot of posts expressed concern for your daughters safety. Has he ever assaulted you daughter? Depression even suicidal depresion doesn't necessary mean he is a danger to others. It's good that you have a good relationship and are a support to to him. Perhaps you could convince him to go into couples counseling to get him help if it is the only way he will go. Just because he does not share his feelings does not mean he can't learn to. My guess is that he does not know how he is feeling himself. The sad part is that it sounds like all this misery is caused by his dad. Do you have any idea why he refuses to leave? It might be information that will make sense of things. There is help out there but he had to be willing to try.
