Noob married Male vs single Female friendships

Hello... New to the forum but have been "stalking" for some time now. Lots of good info here on questions and things that we all know everyone thinks about at some time or another and a lot of good input. That said I hope to figure out some things myself.

My wife and I have been married for 13yrs now never once either of us straying from each other at all. We've both hit hardships in our marriage with illnesses, money issues, etc and we've pulled thru those hurdles making us stronger together. We have a son as well in elementary school and cherish them and what they've provided.

All that said, I'm noticing I'm at the point in my life that a lot of my friends are going thru rocky ordeals with their wives and husbands. You'll understand why I mention this soon enough. Also, all thru school, most of my close friends have always been female. Most of which I still speak to today and my wife has no problems with those friendships.

Nevertheless, my wife and I have met some new friends in the past few months and we all get along great. Most of my close friends have moved out of state, so it's great to finally feel like getting out and having fun again. Due to our child, it's not always feasible for both of us to go out and this is where the question is posed. The wife says it's ok to go out and hang with these people and I've insisted she go instead of me, though we haven't had too many opportunities being it's all still semi-new. There are single men and women in the group that we both connect with. One in particular and I have really hit it off with a lot in common. Though the wife has no issue with an occasional text or me hanging with her and the group, I have concern that perhaps may be over an over reaction set on by a close friend of ours that did similar and his wife, much less open, more or less kicked him to the curb. I already told the other woman up front that I'm married, which she knew obviously, but happily married and have a child and family that I both love and care for. That all I can offer is a friendship if she could be excepting of that. All that out... Everything remains the same and we joke, laugh etc.
So am I over reacting with concern because of what my friend is going thru? Honestly feel like had we met prior to my friends ordeal none of this would be a question, but it's my nature to over think stuff.
Thoughts and advice appreciated.



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yeah, sounds like overthinking to me.

 

I agree with Underwear, I too think you're looking too much into this.

 

Sounds like one of these ordeals

Wife@6pm: sure bunny you can go out, have fun and we will see each other soon.
Wife@9pm: OMG why are you so late, what did you two talk about?? ARGHHAGRAJGHGHAHHH!!!

 

If you're thinking so much in those terms, perhaps it's your subconscious telling you that you can't be with that woman just as friends.

When I feel like this about a male friend, I put a distance between us. Even though we have an open relationship, I know my husband doesn't feel comfortable with me having sex with friends. I disagree with him about it, because it'd be a lot safer for me with friends than with strangers, but I wouldn't do it in his back. That would be cheating.

So, if I feel I shouldn't let something happen, just in case, I do something to avoid it happening. Preemptive measures.

 

Just a Woman has a point and the simple answer and my knee jerk reaction is it's probably fine, but it could also invite trouble down the road. I say probably fine because it's a group of people. But we’re talking about a specific incident of you going out as a group, however you developing a good friendship with this other woman I myself wouldn’t do as it can set things up later on if you’re not careful.

In most cases cheating involves a series of events which finally lead up to it. For example you going out with this girl in a group setting at a bar is harmless, after a while the other friends leave but you and this woman are just connecting so much you stay and have another drink or two. Technically this is harmless. You sharing a cab ride home after one too many drinks is harmless, you walking her to the door to make sure she gets inside okay is harmless, She or you make a move and you two winding up in bed, NOT HARMLESS... Many times it’s a series of events which lead from A to Z and you need to be conscious of that and made smart decisions.

This woman says she doesn’t want more, but what if she does or you end up developing feelings for her because you start seeing her more and more? You really don’t know what the future will hold. Let’s say you drive an average car, and you see a red hot cameo for sale at a dealership. What do you think is going to happen if you take that cameo for a test drive?

 

Thanks for the great advice you guys. I've never cheated on anyone dating or otherwise and as mentioned prior, for some reason girls growing up and women have always been whom I'm friends with moreso than guys. Not that I don't have guy friends but it is nice getting different perspectives on topics, & some people like things that others don't. I've never been a high sex driven person nor have had any one night stands. For me the emotional connection has to be there prior. So for what it's worth I do see how a-z in theory could easily happen if you don't pay attention to boundaries. On the same token most of my close female friends I view as a sister I never had over a sexual object. I honestly shutter at the thought of seeing most of them nekid lol not because they aren't good looking, but simply for the reason I just stated. My wife has a similar attachment to one of her co-workers . Honestly if anyone at her work would threaten our relationship due to good looks it would be that guy. Though we've hung out so much together that I honestly don't think anything of it. That said, I've hung out with this girl and our new group of friends far more than my wife has had the opportunity to, so Its my hope that the more they all hang out the more the "concern" will lessen if it's even a concern to begin with.

My wife is and I have both the physical and mental attraction, though we share few activities outside of that and doing stuff with our son. It's nothing new for me to go snowboarding or swimming, canoeing or something along those lines with a friend or friends while she chills out relaxing. I'm the pacer if I'm not doing something and she's the kicked back chill person. So it evens us out on a lot. She has opted to participate in a lot because she wants to do those things or at least try them. However, there are things she just won't do. So it's nice having a handful of people to pull from to have fun with regardless of their sexual orientation.



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You noticed how all those couples around you that you mentioned that are having problems will say stuff like that

Dont worry, she'll whittle down all you female friends, which by the sounds of it is exactly what has been happening and you are not even aware of it, you mentioned new friends you dont want to really hang around, bet their not like your old friends


Its not really anything about you. If you previously did actually have mostly female friends without being a player, in your 20s that would have been seen as a good thing, better marriage mateial, but 10/20 years later it means the exact opposite, too easy for you to cheat and you will get kicked to the kerb if you dont cut off those previous types of friends. And you know this already, this is why this thread exists

 

Yea.

I don't know-if you're thinking about it (whether you're thinking or over-thinking, whatever.), there may be a reason you're thinking about it. I think you may know a married person being friends w a hanging out w (alone, not w spouse or group) a single person of opp sex (or gender attracted to) can get.... complicated. Or not. Often it can. But obviously, esp if you've never cheated, you can be friends w and hang out w whoever you wanna be friends w and hang out with. I personally am just careful. (married, mostly friends w guys... well, in the past, lol.)

 

Well.... The truth reared it's ugly head and vanilla is right. Was a bit surprised to hear her say one thing at one moment, than another but she came to that conclusion which honestly I'm not sure what to do with.


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It is a burden being right all the time

 

*loud cough*...



Cheers Glen.

 

So is there a way to approach it and keep everything or just except to loosing one or the others? Am pretty frustrated right now and if we didn't have a child in the picture it wouldn't be me making the decision, but her to either except it or not. I know her and I know that would get her to rethink her opinion. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but a few days without each other to hash things out is sometimes a good thing.


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Why can't you both go out? Hire a sitter!

I think you might be asking for trouble. Again, why aren't you spending time with your spouse yet spending time with another woman?

(Generally speaking) To have a successful marriage, you need to nurture it, which means spending time with your spouse more than with your friends.

I'm wondering if your wife has a single male friend she spends a lot of time with.

 

I actually said very little about who I'm spending time with. Mostly my family or alone if you must know. Not every relationship is perfect... I get that. I also know that not every person can provide everything that a person needs or wants in life. If that were the case , than guys wouldn't hang with guys or women and neither would it be the other way around.

So very judgmental with little background



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