Non-Monogamous Relationships And The Fears About It

Lately my girlfriend of over fours years and I have been talking about the possibility of being non-monogamous (being able to have other romantic and/or sexual partners besides each other). She brought it up in conversation about a week ago. I think there are a lot of possible benefits and harms that can come from it. However, the thought of it scares the shit out of me. I've known a lot of non-monogamous couples personally, but it still scares me.



Advantages:
-Less pressure on one person to meet the sexual and/or romantic needs for the other partner(s).
-Acknowledges human nature that she and I both will and do find other people sexually attractive.
-The romantic sphere can become a community in itself that can be more supportive than just one other person.
-Removes the awkwardness of accidentally flirting with other people—for instance, she and I have both found each other flirting with the same mutual friend.
-Only by trying it will we know if it is right for us, otherwise we would only be dealing with maybes and what-ifs.

Disadvantages:
-It is filled with unknowns.
-Non-monogamy is an emotional minefield where both of us will probably, realistically speaking, get hurt.
-I worry that she would decide she preferred to be with another person more than me, and then leave.


I'm not perfect. I have a lot of faults. But I love my girlfriend. She is my best friend. I've never had a friendship, sexual or otherwise, with the level of intimacy as I have with her. I don't want to jeopardize that. But I also see the possible benefits. The last few day we've been having heated discussions about this, so far with no conclusion. I don't know what to do.

If you have any advice, any thoughts, any anything, it would be appreciated.

*Edit:
*P.S. The aforementioned mutual friend is not looking for a relationship, sexual or romantic, with anyone. The mutual friend is out of the picture, even though I know my girlfriend and I both have a crush on the mutual friend. My girlfriend and I were both being really stupid by flirting with them.

 

My advice: read "The Ethical Slut"

 

I've read it. I own it. I strongly disagree with a lot of it, but it also makes a lot of interesting points.

 

Another issue is if my girlfriend and I decided to be non-monogamous, we both cannot stand the poly community. We both have friends and family that are poly and know we don't want to be affiliated with that. However, not affiliating with the poly community has its own problems and can make non-exclusive relationships extra messy.

 

I lived with my wife and the girlfriend we shared for most of our 44 year marriage in a poly triad. Plus we did some wife swapping and a lot of threesomes with my wife's girlfriends as she is bi and likes to share. To be honest, we never had a problem. We moved away from out girlfriend 6 years ago and my wife recently remarked that she cannot even remember an argument we had with our girlfriend. All three of us had our own bedrooms and when we went out we went out as a threesome. No one ever got jealous even when watching each other with other men or women. We know the difference between sex and making love. I had a few girlfriends but not more than 5 in 44 years.

We were not monogamous, more like monogamish. We did not have an open marriage but a fling with someone else was not a deal breaker as long as it was the exception and not the rule. We tried to play with others as a couple or threesome. My wife tried another guy and hated it. Our girlfriend lived with us full time for 7 years and then find a poly guy online and married him for financial security. After that she split her time between her two relationships. We were friendly with her husband though.

However, I do not recommend poly to anyone. We had the perfect storm of Poly Triads. All of our poly married friends ended up divorced due to it. The difference between them and us was that we all loved each other and had sex with each other either together or one on one. Our friends had the husband and wife each dating different people and that is were the problems arose from. Our girlfriend is married for 25 years now and her husband has other lovers. At first so did she until she got pregnant by one of three men. That was the end of that for her and she just confined her sex to us and her husband afterwards.

My marriage and Triad were great. I have had a very fulfilling life with the love of two women who combined met all of my sexual and other needs. It is funny that we never discussed our lifestyle because we had been doing it early in our marriage and to us it was just our normal life. It is amazing that no one ever asked us why my wife's best friend always seemed to be staying with us when they visited. Marriage apparently covers all sins. It helped that we relocated 10 times and did not live near my family but we were always amazed that no one ever said anything and the girls had the attitude that only those with a need to know should be told that they are bisexual. If we had a social function we would just ask if we could bring my wife's girlfriend who was staying with us at the moment. My wife's lover was her girlfriend after all.

I started out engaged to my high school sweetheart who cheated on me when I was fighting Vietnam and could not come home for a year. Then the girlfriend I got after her cheated on me two. Oddly enough, and I did not realize this until two years ago, they are both bi too. I only had relationships with bi girls but I did not seek out bi girls or know they were bi until later in the relationship. Kind of weird and we do not know why I attract bisexual women. After my fiancee cheated I never had a monogamous relationship afterwards. My friends were cheating, our neighbors were cheating, every boss I had cheated and our siblings cheated. It seemed that people take the vow of sexual fidelity with a wink and a nod since so many married people cheat. I dated a few married women and they were long time cheaters and pros at it. That was before I got married and attracted middle aged women.

My girlfriend before my wife managed to cheat even though we both were free to have sex with others. We had only one rule; no sex with friends and she walked into my living room and asked three of my friends if they wanted to gang bang her. She was out of control and that was it for me. She was out of my house the next day. No wonder why I gave up on monogamy and promises.

 

No sex with friends but everyone else is pretty silly tbh.
Like what's the deal with that?

"Look you can spread your legs for old hobo Pete on the corner but stay away from my buddy John okay, I can't afford you having sex with someone I trust."

Is that how it goes?

 

"Cannot stand the poly community". As you have said. You're interested in romantic relationships as well as sexual. She may find a man and not want to ever give him up. Your only chance of being with her is to share her love with him.

 

When you say "love" in that context, they think you mean vagina