no strings attached...

xx

 

*take relationship ADVICE

sorry, my mistake. but what's with the crazy retaliation to everything everyone's saying? we are trying to have a civil discussion about free love, and you start telling people they are DUMB for their opinions and beliefs and then giving unintelligible reasons as to why you think that they are stupid.

by the way, you HAVE talked to me. you post all this crap about how you are having strokes, abusing drugs, and putting up with an abusive husband all the time.

anyway, i wish you would just stay on topic and be mature.

 

oo

 

^^lol, i accidentally posted on deans name. hense the "xx" edit.
but i'm sure he appreciates the hugs, undies.

anyway, i just want to say that i am in an amazing relationship and having ground rules WORKS for us. it is not about manipulation; they are rules that we have settled upon MUTUALLY that make us comfortable when experimenting. we experiment not because we are unhappy or discontent, but because its fucking HOT!

it may not work for everyone, but we have been together a long time and have been best friends far longer, so we have a lot of mutual respect.

 

i think for me anyways, i could have casual sex with someone if i didn't care about them
no strings means no emotions, no clouded judgments
when i care about someone i'd find it hard to just break it off, it would get complicated
i did have a one night stand that turned into something more, and we're still friends
so in my opinion every situation is different
it can work sometimes, and other times not so much

 

i believe your right.

is it orgy time yet?

 

ooo i can post my boobs! that is a surefire thread killer.

 

I don't even post my boobs very often and I kill threads.

I like how it works for you guys. Reading Stranger in a Strange Land is actually what really opened my eyes to this whole poly thing, that and energy work. I'm a Reiki Master and the energy work I was doing with people was so unbelievably intimate that it was as if we were lovers and weren't. It kind of redefined my reality a bit.

One thing all of this has showed me is that you really need to be able to talk about this stuff openly and honestly. And I think I agree with a lot of people that it's not for everybody. But I think not only is it possible I think eventually it will be normal to have open and free relationships. It seems like the monogamous norm has been manufactured and the idea of what a relationship should be is what comes into play lots of the time. You never have to meet yourself if you don't get emotionally involved with people. But if you're vulnerable you're constantly operating from that deep place. I think it affords amazing opportunity for growth and finding out what love really is.

 

as long as it's not a sausage fest or VERY careful etiquette goes down.

 

(this was posted because of a deleted post when i was cleaing up and a pm i got, im not insane.. no really )

heh

talking about my MARRIAGE is a cheap shot. understandable i guess because it discredits what i say... if your mind cannot wrap around the fact that when me and D (hubby) are almost down and out... ive been in other "relationships" where neither are ready or even wanting but there needs to be no rules b/c the love is there and it means a lot.
but to compare "just sexual" relationships (which beyond one night, which is absurd for me to my MARRIAGE is bullshit.

 

maybe find someone that you do love n care about and NOT HAVE TO SET GROUND RULES OUT LOUD? what i MEANT by a "tad bit stupid concept"
was... if you need to set rules out loud... maybe you should look elsewhere?
sheesh.
undies<333
sometimes i wonder about the sanity of people here...
(oops, snap... now ill get huge motherfucking pm's attacking my marriage and my character while im out... HAHAHA. nicee)

btw tree.. if my comment "felt like an attack" maybe you should look at why it felt like that. are you that sensitive when when someone is not even talking to you and calls an idea "a tad bit stupid" that it hurts you like that" if so, why? im not one to attack anyone unless provoked. and if calling an idea "a tad bit stupid" (when someone is trying to show another way that they learned and works for them and they are offering ADVICE via their experiences) offends you. well, what would you do if someone DID actually TRY to offend you? and why is that comment that who ever wrote "id never get in relationship with lucky" not "mean" to you. THAT was a personal, unproked attack that once again, slids by by easily offended people. it is really truly sad.

re-read i would recommend maybe growing a slightly thicker skin if you are going to continue discussing controversial topics, as some people are going to attack you for your views if you do so. but also keep in mind that not every dissenting opinion is an attack, even if it isn't worded as sensitively as it could "
and then re-read.
tree i LIKE you. im NOT mean. in fact, i didnt even read the thread. i read the original post, a bit of the first page and i skimmed the last. just because i have an opinion doesn't mean it was personal to ANYONE. sigh.
"

 

I am opening up this thread because I would like to say a few things and I welcome any discussion that does not go to attacks on me (or anyone else)
I want to give a few quotes and then go back to my original post that seemed to offend.

nakid treehugger this quote kinda shows that (with you saying everyone n stuff n then going into huge detail) that your upsettness probably has little to do with me and what i wrote

"i'm not trying to piss anyone off or attack anyone, i'm just trying to discuss. and instead of discussing, it seems like everyone wants to tell me i'm stupid for the way i feel about certain situations, or tell me that i'm trying to push something that's not for me. if i was truly trying to push into an open relationship, i would have continued some of my friendships and ended up in sticky situations, and maybe ended my relationship with my best friend and lover/partner/soulmate jrnyman person. but i haven't done this, because i want to explore what COULD be. and to me, that includes discussing possibilities, with a wide variety of people"

and
"and rest assured i am not upset with lucky, i just don't take kindly to people posting opinions that call people "stupid" just because they disagree with them. there are other words you can use that are not degrading that way. everyone has a right to their own opinions, and i welcome people disagreeing with things, but why do we have to resort to namecalling? that's all i meant by that."

and

and lucky... as to your not very nice comments about people who like ground rules... i don't see it as having to be a controlling, untrusting thing. more like an agreement between BOTH (or multiple) parties, not just one person telling the other(s) that this is how we as a group of lovers wants to deal with these sensitive emotional situations.(massive delete cause iit is not neccasary for my point)... so why do you have to put down people who actually want to be careful of each other's feelings?


zilla
"*take relationship ADVICE

sorry, my mistake. but what's with the crazy retaliation to everything everyone's saying? we are trying to have a civil discussion about free love, and you start telling people they are DUMB for their opinions and beliefs and then giving unintelligible reasons as to why you think that they are stupid"

zilla (now wait til you actually read what THIS and it all was about and re-read it because i do NOT take it back...although i will explain further as i suppose i need to) but how is this... when i was not even talking about any PERSON not an attack???
"i would never take relationship from lucky anyway.."

Dean (the other part of a couple which i just learned via pm a dip ago)
"luckystripe... you never fail to amaze me."



Now on the next post... what I wrote and the meaning behind it.

 

The post that starting the frenzy, including a fucked up pm attacking my personal life. (i suggest if you want to reply further you actually read the highlighted areas espiecially on all parties involved)


"I think setting ground rules or calling it no strings attached is actually... well, no offense but a tad bit dumb. But I also think just because you have sex with a friend or whatever.. you shouldn't EXPECT shit... if the time is right for both ppl and they want to develop something further, cool. If not...also cool. If someone needs to break it off for whatever reason, no questions asked. It's really just going with the flow, knowing what is or isn't meant to be will or won't be and thinking about what is and not what isn't. And being very mindful or people's feelings and honest if need be... not ever lying and making someone think something that isn't just to sleep with them. It's very simple."

I will bold where I apparently called people DUMB. As you can see, I called no one dumb. I tried to bring to the topic and I was even NICE about calling a CONCEPT stupid. No offense I wrote. Yet "lucky why are you calling people dumb?" ummmm where?

Now to naked tree hugger... the thing I bolded about "people who actually care about feelings I will bold what I wrote on my oirginal post.


Okay so that was the original... what made people pm me ATTACKING my person life... saying I called people dumb (where?) and saying "people who ACTUALLY care about other's people's feelings"?

Here is my advice... next post...

 

LuckyStripe............ why do you care so much? I think this thread died.

 

Um I closed it and I am reopening it and I suggest you stop questioning moderators. Kay. thanks.

I am cleaning it up and trying to get BACK ON TOPIC because actually.. the reason i even posted here was because I have things to say on the topic. Anyways this will be the perfect post to prove a post. so thanks.




and the last quote from zilla

(right there are have a fallacy, i called no one dumb.. if you re-read the post in question.. i said i think the concept is a tad bit dumb. then you continue to try to belittle my personal life and even send a pm like that. and then you tell ME to stay on topic and be mature? I'm sorry that you don't get it but anyone with a brain who reads what I wrote and these posts would have to laugh.

NOW I will let the drama go and I will actually go into explaining a bit the reasoning behind what I said that obviously got a bunch of you so emotional. And my personal life will not be involved.

 

Actually I am condensing right now and opening it up so other people can see through the attacks and post on topic. If you don't wish to do so, that is fine. But I would suggest if you don't have anything to say on topic getting out of this thread. thanks. I have just DELETED about five of my posts and I'm trying to show actual examples and articulate what I meant. If you don't want to read them and contribute to the thread and topic and you continue to post here, understand that it is against forum regulations.

 

you don't have to get all serious on me. I was just asking why you cared so much.

 

(my post in question)

""I think setting ground rules or calling it no strings attached is actually... well, no offense but a tad bit dumb. But I also think just because you have sex with a friend or whatever.. you shouldn't EXPECT shit... if the time is right for both ppl and they want to develop something further, cool. If not...also cool. If someone needs to break it off for whatever reason, no questions asked. It's really just going with the flow, knowing what is or isn't meant to be will or won't be and thinking about what is and not what isn't. And being very mindful or people's feelings and honest if need be... not ever lying and making someone think something that isn't just to sleep with them. It's very simple."


first.. it was said i called people stupid. no. i do apologize if some people are that sensitive that when an idea is called "a tad bit dumb", it personally offends them.

then i was told "people who actually care about others feelings" (yet they explain a very uncaring situation that i personally would chose not to be in, again, no offense)..... the thing that IRKES me is I wrote about being mindful of feelings and that is ALWAYS first and foremost in my brain in ANY situation, be it on the forums, a friends with benefit thing, a marriage, friendships, work, strangers,etc... i live my life by one rule really... don't hurt people. It may not always show in my life but I guarantee the people who know me (and yes, in these situations as well, would attest that I am extremly sensitive to others feelings... that said, I have strong opinions and I'll be DAMNED if I never don't say what I think cause it might hurt someone cause they have their own personal demons...never.)

Sooo...the reason I'm bring this thread back is at least two- fold.
One- I believe people have the right to debate with me or anyone else on this topic. I believe we can do it with maturity and rationality. It is obviously a topic that flares people up. And I hope if you actually read the things I have just added and the bold, maybe you will get a better sense of things... and maybe even start to think of why what I wrote offended you.


Back to what I wrote. The reason I think setting ground rules and saying them out loud is a "tad bit dumb" (omgztractors... who did i just call stupid?!) is because...it's setting itself UP to have rules and hence failure. Sure, I might not always be right but in my experience the best way to go is if you want no strings and it's not a stranger cause I don't have repeat relationship things with strangers. Actually, I cringe at the memories of the firsts...

anyways if you want a repeat relationship and not have feelings and drama destroy it (btw those who attacked my marriage im obviously not talking about my marriage.. why would that be no strings??), as I said...if it's a friend that you wanna sleep with, my guesses are- there are feelings. What two people need to do is keep them in check. Feelings are not bad. People get them and people should realize when you are that close...they happen. You probably had some feelings to be kissing them and being so close and that is more then okay.

But when one or both people don't want a relationshp at all or even just not with each other (or not at that time)... those things should go unspoken. The "rules" are there, only they do not need to be called rules. It's called respect. Yeah we are doing this which shows closeness but it should be KNOWN in such a situation that that is all it can be. Not everyone is strong enough and feelings can escalate.. and that is when the other person needs to use their perception to stop sleeping with them as to NOT HURT THEM. Call it preventative. Also call it reading signals and/or intuition. There is no need for a set of rules if you are mindful of other's feelings and honest with them... the rules start to live.

It's actually all good n stuff to have rules but it usually fails misrebly because you are not just enjoying the moment... you set a set of "rules" and enjoying it isn't about rules... if there are boundaries.. be open to seeing cases that make you think "oh i might be hurting this person if it continues the way it is and i should talk to them".
Usually in a healthy sexual (and friend) relationship, people know each other enough that you can kinda skip steps because of the "knowing".

anyways i am sorry if i offended anyone. but i didnt call anyone stupid. and i truly believe that intuition and mindfulness trumps any set of rules. of course i am talking about friends that already care about each other on SOME LEVEL already. If this is about strangers that decide they want to fuck... it is different but still the same in a way- you usually don't need to articulate rules... as they are most likely in it for the same thing you are.. to get off.

 

np. i care because people got emotional and misconstrued what i said and took away from the topic. where there were good things to say on the topic. i really hate it when people do that.

plus, you know if you wrote what i wrote (and it's highlighted) and you come back from having fun and get some weird pm talking about how my personal life is flawed from someone you never talked to... it might make you a bit emotional too. im a human afterall.

 

tree... before re- reading this..trying to figure out 'where i went wrong'...
you should know i didnt even read your posts. i would never attack a person's ideas who i think is awesome and gave me no reason to do so.
i now skimmed it and i dont wanna offer you advice per say because no one knows...situations are all tricky.. that is the intuition part i was talking about. so, from what i skimmed though.. she is married? how long has she been married? how long has she been with you?
you said she is your soulmate... it makes me think you really don't want to explore very much (i mean why not explore WITH her if she is your soulmate?!)... but yeah i might be missing something but unless i did... do you think maybe you are upset and "wanting to explore" cause she is married and you're not sure she'd leave and be totally with you? if so that makes me sad and you deserve better. everyone does. if im off base, forgive me. i dont follow around people's personal lives but i wish you all the best.


ps im goin off on a limb here.
i could be TOTALLY wrong. and im not saying im right but maybe the reason you are emotional and quick to think "attack!" is because you so much want to believe those rules are set so you can both "be free.. experiment, etc"
BUT the fact that she is married AND you called her your soul mate (and best friend)- you may actually be very upset about the "rules" and wanting more. i could be off base but i think maybe you should think about what is going on a bit and how to handle it for YOU. Sometimes you have to do drastic things if it's for your own emotional health.