No Respect For Partner Even When He Has Gotten Better?

Hi everyone,

I am a 23 year old female and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for 2 years now. My parents hate him and do not want to see him, because they didn't like that he was older, came from a poorer area, his very deranged family history, the way he ate, the late nights he would pick me up, still living with his mum, ect. We met at university course we did to get into to univeristy so not actually at Uni yet. He had a gf at the time and eventually left her for me. Soon after my parents said I need to leave if I want to be with him, so i left and we moved in together with a housemate. Now even in this time he was still on dating sites, until we officialy became together which was 4 months after he did not care. He would go out and stare at girls, make comments to our housemate about girls, and did not care that I didnt like it. He would always have so much porn on his computer and on his movie forum make comments about actresses. This is a 30 something year old loser to me. I was only 20 when we met and i was a virgin idiot, I had no clue now looking back I should have seen things clearer. Now he has defferd from 2 university courses and now relying on another course which will start in a few months. He has had a very reckless past and been with many many girls and I am sensitive and new to everthing. He has depression, he eats junkfood too much and he is fat. I have no attraction to him physical any more I don't even want to touch him. He is still an idiot with his friends making jokes about "feeling like a new one" and I pretty much left him for a week when I read that stuff on facebook and when I come back he says how everything will be different. He has punched walls before, he has a temper but on the bright side this is the best he has ever been in his life. He really has never cared about anyone like me before and I have knocked some sense into him, he has stopped watching porn, stopped being dirty to his friends, he comes to bed every night because before he could not sleep so he watches tv in the bedroom. He has come such a long way but how can I forget the past? How can i forget the way I felt? all the things ive seen and been through? He is the same guy at the end of the day but am I the problem? should I have moved on at the start when I saw things I did not like. Its like he only now sees that being decent is OK and it doesnt make a guy look like a pussy. I dont know if I love him or I am attached to him, or that I wont find someone else. I am attractive and slim and people dont understand why I am with him because he looks like a fat slob. He has done nothing for the past 2 years and I am afraid his next course he wont like. I feel like he should have treated me with respect from the start and now I have no respect for him no matter how good he is now. I feel in a way my life would be better with a motivating person to help me and someone i can look at and be proud of and turned on by, someone who my parents dont hate too. But I am here with him, fighting all the time because he wouldnt go for a walk with me, or he wont wake up before 1 in the afternoon. I understand he has a mental illness but he says he loves me with all his heart and its true. But its only because he has never had it this good before. What are some thoughts ? Please be honest I am really stuck here

 

i want to accuse you of trolling because of how ridiculous this is, but then i keep seeing this legitimately happen in real life so i just don't know what to think.

 

No I am not trolling at all. If it is ridiculous to you thats ok but it's my life and I am asking here for some advice, If you think I am being overly sensative and im just a young dumb idiot then ssay so, I have no friends or no one to ask in real life apart from my family but I know what they will say, So all I have is people here telling me the truth of what they think, i am so lost.

 

I will humor this, troll or no.

No one can decide this for you. You have to decide whether it is worth it to try to stay and fix any problems, or break it off.

If you are just with him because you feel dependent on him, you would probably be better off breaking up and learning to be ok with being alone before you get into another relationship.

 

Obviously the answer would be to marry this guy.

 

It will be a miserable cycle for you. Go back to your parents. Dump this guy.

 

I've been in a similar position before. Back when I was a young bird, I dated this asswipe (can I say that on here?) named Anthony. Anthony was chronically mentally ill, had anger issues, really didn't have anything going for him. I had grown up with him and his sister, and after we caught up we began dating soon after. He was a very...passionate....individual. When he was happy, he was extremely happy. When he was angry, he'd punch through walls, cuss, scream. When he was being loving, he was great, wrote me poetry and letters, came to see me all the time. He was a controlling d*ckhead though, it got to the point where it was on the verge of being an abusive relationship.

Anyway, at the time I was insecure about myself and didn't know much because I was kind of innocent, so I stuck around even though I wasn't getting the best I deserved.

Sorry kinda rambled, anyway, I can kind of relate to how you feel. I don't know your life, but I can make a good guess that you grew up sheltered and this is kind of the first guy to wink an eye at ya when you were old enough to start exploring relationships without parental interference. That puts you in a vulnerable spot. My guess is that this guy was just kind of your first crush and when someone gave you that attention and love, you clung to it. However, a relationship is a two way street. You can't be putting in 100% while he's putting in 55%. I understand he's mentally ill, but he needs to pick himself up off the floor, figure out what he's so passionate about, and start doing something with himself. You can't act like a wife and have him acting like your 8-year-old that you always have to babysit and monitor. You deserve to find someone who you can enjoy experiencing life with and that makes you feel good, grows you as a person, someone you can look up to and be supported by.

My honest recommendation is that you tell him, "I'm giving you _______ amount of time to get a job, you need to stay in school, you need to agree to be up by this time of the day, you need to help me with _______________ around the house. I need you to act your age because I'm not your mom, I'm your girlfriend, and I deserve to be treated like the goddess I am." If he can't shape up, pack up and get out of there. There are so many wonderful people out there who will treat you wonderfully and that you will enjoy a lot more, trust me. Just get out of there, delete his number, move on.

 

It is amazing to me how someone in their early 20s allows themselves to feel trapped in a relationship. You are not trapped, you are young and free with no real ties to this dude. Cut your losses and move back in with your parents, it is that simple.

 

good until this point. it would be hard to stay with any woman that says that though.

 

I'm going to have to give that an Amen

 

The problem is that I have told him you need to be up by a certain time and I have even chosen a day for cleaning and told him what he needs to do. He has an answer for everything like, it wasn't that dirty, or now that you asked me to do it im not doing it,i will do it later which never happens, or your not my mother I can sleep when I like and even last night he needed to get some fatty pizza for dinner just because I had dinner at my parents, then he ate ice cream and chips. This is a man who desperately needs to loose weight but because he goes and trains ONCE week he thinks thats enough. He also tells me how good he is like how he is honest with everything thats why I see soo many faults, and how all guys will keep secrets and do things behind my back so he makes me believe I wont ever find someone honest and good.

He also uses sex as a weapon when we make love he tells me how beautiful I am and makes me believe that maybe I am, he also tells me no other guys will "please" me if you get what im saying. He is insecure and I know he loves me totally but he is using words. I simply can't get over his past, he has been with hookers and has the most vile friends, ive walked in on him watching porn multiple times. He would always use loop holes such as I dont wank to porn. Which means i still watch it but im only saying that to get out of it. I cant trust him, but he tells me thats not a big deal, people cheat on eachother and take drugs thats a big deal. Anyway thanks for the comments especially Laci. Our lease runs out in 5 months so I have till then to decide.

 

It takes most women a while to figure this out, myself included, but there is no point in being with someone if you want to change them. If he wants to eat unhealthy food, sleep until noon every day, watch porn then it is his right to do so, just like it is your right to walk away and find someone better suited to you.

 

And/or get pregnant

 

You and him need to join the army..11bulletstoppers

 

Depends. If she sees herself as beautiful, confident, able to take on the world, awesome. I don't mean to say she needs to have a "princess" or "me-me-me" mentality, but the girl is young and feels herself to be in a vulnerable position IMO. There's a pretty fine line between being confident in yourself and knowing what you want/need versus being a girl who says, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?! I'm beautiful, I'm skinny, I'm blonde, I have a giant rack! I'm so much prettier than anyone else! Buy me things! Love me! I know it's been 3 days but let's get married!"
I should probably stress the idea of being an independent woman, tackling the world around you with compassion and positivity.

Take it as you will. I can deal with confidence in a woman, arrogance or a princess-mentality not so much.

 

Sounds like this guy isn't willing to put any work into it. When you hear him say things like, "now that you asked me to do it I'm not going to," doesn't that remind you of a 7 year old kid or something? He says that you're not his mom....BOOM. HE'S RIGHT. You're not his mom, and it's not your job to monitor him and try to better him. Clearly at his age, this is the lifestyle you've chosen for yourself. I'd honestly advise you to break your lease early, get away from him, delete his number, and go find someone who appreciates you. You are only given so much time on this planet, tomorrow could be your last day. Don't waste your valuable, limited time on some half-wit that doesn't appreciate or see what he's got right in front of him. Start dating guys in their late 30's who are established, financially stable, mentally stable preferably, and done with their partying-messing around days. You're 20, so this will probably sound really odd to you, but you might consider men in their 40's lol. I've always been attracted to men a bit older than me, I think it's the maturity and the security aspect.

Look for a guy you can see yourself with for the rest of your life. Not for the rest of the month.

 

You are too young to be trapped in this relationship...move back home...tell your parents you are sorry you didn't listen and they were right, then get on with some fun in your life.


BTW...let this be a life lesson and do not repeat the same mistakes over and over and over.