No intimacy due to wife's birth trauma.

Almost 6 months ago my wife had a traumatic birth of our first child, who was in intensive care for 2 weeks.

She already suffered with depression and didn't have an easy pregnancy either. Now she's been diagnosed with PTSD from the birth and is effected by it daily.

I've been understanding and helpful throughout, but it's starting to get to a point now where I'm just so miserable due to the complete lack of intimacy. Which I know sounds so selfish given the circumstances, but there is more to it than just that.

We've been together for almost 10 years and married for 1, and we're only 26(only just), and the lack of intimacy has been an issue for probably over 5 years now. Going a month or so between having sex as an early 20s couple. We've discussed it in the past. She says she feels bad, it might change for a week or 2 where she magically wants to have sex more and insists she really does, but it soon goes back to once a month or 2.

Currently we've had sex once in over 6 months. That being 2 months ago which she has admitted was only done for my sake, but was still a pretty unsatisfactory event to be honest.

Has anyone else gone through a similar experience? How did you cope mentally as it's really getting to me. I'm a very sexual person and intimacy is a big thing for me.

Before anyone reads this as me just being a selfish jerk. I don't ask for sex, we've spoken about it because she's said she feels guilty, and I said that's not important right now, and for her to make the first move when she's ready. And I haven't let on to her just how miserable and frustrated I am with zero physical attention expect small peck kisses, that's as far as affection goes.

 

The first couple months after the birth, I totally understand not wanting to push the issue regarding sex. However, after YEARS, something needs to change. I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage in my mid 20s where my wife never wanted sex.

 

Some people are just not sexual people, you're talking to the wall at this point - especially if you've been having issues all along. You do see that wedding cake was not an aphrodisiac.

First of all, have a long heart to heart discussion. Suggest she visits the lady doc to confirm that everything is as it should be and that there is no physical issue with sex. Who knows what hell childbirth has wracked upon her. If everything is ok, it's time for another little chat. Maybe she's still freaked about getting pregnant again - so address that. I'm not saying go out and get snipped, but maybe the pill doesn't go well with her - find something else that works for birth control for both of you.

Counselling? I dunno, first who can afford it, second, who wants to talk about their sex life with a stranger who will usually take her side anyway since men are just sex animals? Is she on antidepressants? That alone will kill her sex drive.

There are other ways of being intimate, maybe start exploring those. Maybe it's a technique disconnect. Ask her bluntly what works for her and have her show you....maybe nothing does...and she's just plain not into the whole physical thing - was she having orgasms from sex before? or as it "been all for you" all along? Bring in a toy or two to the equation. Arrange date nights with a sitter. Ask mom to watch the kid for a night while you try to have some fun - premeditated planned sex is still sex.

Perhaps a good strong sexual romp will take her mind off the PTSD. You're 26, you should be fucking a few times a week, kid or no kid. Can she 'help you out' in the mean time until she gets more comfortable with sex? It only takes ten minutes to make Tarzan a very happy husband indeed, being a Tarzan myself.

You need to address this now, it's not going to change all by itself. Heaven help you at menopause.... What I usually say at this point is they're practically pushing you to cheat.....then they will go cry and whine to mom and her girlfriends...."oh why oh why would he EVER cheat on me......?". Women are different animals. We think of sex often / all the time / constantly. They think about shoes.

 

So she has an emergency c section and the recovery from that 6 months on is still giving her some pain. She is on birth control via the injection, first time she's tried something other than the pill because that never agreed with her. The 1 time since birth that we had sex I still used a condom too and have agreed to continue to going forward for piece of mind, because she is worried about getting pregnant again.

She is on antidepressants again but has been most of our relationship. Our sex has always been good when we actually have it. She finishes every single time, I make sure she does from oral before sex even starts. And we have a draw full of toys and she does use one often when we have sex.

She almost never reciprocates the oral however, and literally never does it outside the context of having sex, it's just a straight no that she wouldn't even entertain.

For the time being we can't really let parents have the kid as he's breastfed, plus she's still not ready to properly be away from him due to the trauma.

In the past when we've spoken about me not being happy with the lack or sex, I suggested making an effort to actively plan time for it, but she shot that straight down.

 

Well, that chain saw c-section was pretty major trauma, she gets a hall pass for that, but this was going on well before that. Seems that job one for her right now is the baby - and you're going to get nowhere for a while.

I say make your needs well known and leave it until she feels better - not just physically.

 

You shouldn't have married her, nor had a child with her. You should have broken up as soon as you knew this..while dating..



First of all though, you shouldn't have been in a 10 year relationship and you're only in your 20s. Should have been focusing on developing yourself , your life, possibly education, and establishing different connections and relationships.

Not focusing on marrying your childhood sweetheart.



This relationship and marriage isn't going to last. . And if it lasts, it won't be happy nor healthy.


You're too young. Your relationship is already unhealthy.

Unless you're okay with the "pity" sex that she's not really in to at all because she's not a sexual person....


Never mention lack of sex again.

She really doesn't want to, her heart isn't into it, and she forces herself to do it.



You two are incompatible.
It will only get worse if you stay.

End things and strickly co parent.


Smh. Neither one of you should have dated, married, and had a child together.


You two are just incompatible...and too young for this anyways.

It wasn't going to magically get better just because you've married. That's just a title. The title doesn't make unhealthy relationships prior magically healthy.


I'd say divorce and co-parent.

It's not going to workout.

You'll cheat (or continue if you already have).

The both of you will start resenting each other more and becoming frustrated more with each other.

Her for you cheating, and basically pressuring her for sex..like you have been.


You for the lack of sex and attention, and you'll believe that you're entitled to cheat.


Things are doomed and destined for failure between you two.


Either she's just not a sexual person (and there's nothing you can do about that. That's just her) ...

Or...

She's just not a sexual person with you...

 

Plus it seems like you resent your child for being here and taking attention away from you.

 

This is a tricky one. Whilst you need to be there for her and support her in her struggles, and do husband and dad stuff, she still needs to understand and respect that you have needs.

I’ve had nearly 20 years of marriage featuring very little sex, and the resentment only builds and gets worse over time. I’ve heard plenty of excuses along the way, but just kind of had to accept that she’s not a very sexual person. She helps me out as she knows that I need a release, but has never been keen on being penetrated, or wanted to explore oral, try different positions, etc. The epitome of vanilla sex. I’m sure many men would have walked out years ago, but I’ve stuck it out in part for the sake of the kids (now teenagers) and sometimes wonder if I did the right thing. We love each other, I mean otherwise it would have collapsed years ago, but I’ve always been disappointed in my sex life and felt resentment about her lack of enthusiasm.

She had an emergency C section, then a further 2 planned C sections after that. I sometimes wonder if the fact that she never gave birth normally means things aren’t as flexible down there as they would have been otherwise.

Any shred of sanity I have remaining is only there because I’ve jerked off frequently, but I’d rather have had more proper action. Given your age & kids age, I’d say you should have as much sex as you both can. It only gets harder as the kids get more demanding and even more so when they’re older and staying up late. My wife is normally asleep before both the kids are, so late night action is off the cards.

I had the snip and got the all clear recently, which took out 2 of her excuses (I don’t like condoms & I don’t want to get pregnant) in one go, but after the long wait to get the all clear and hoping she’d now be more relaxed and I’d start getting some again, not much has changed.

We’ve spoken about things (lack of sex), but clearly need to again. Honestly, there is no wonder people cheat / go to prostitutes / watch porn. They’d go stir crazy if they didn’t. Alarm bells are ringing for you, and you may want to consider if you’re prepared for a lifetime of frustration and resentment, or may get out sooner rather than later. I didn’t have the balls to, but maybe you will!

I could write a book on the number of excuses I’ve heard, and amount of times I’ve though to myself “Oh well, when this stage of life / job / personal problem / event, etc, is over, we’ll be able to have more sex” - it’s just wishful thinking as nothing ever changes.

Also my brain has I guess a kind of skewed view of sex from years of porn use. Yes it’s fake and yes the stuff that happens in porn doesn’t happen for most of us, but that’s kind of the appeal: escapism - thinking that I need to watch this stuff because it’s stuff I don’t get to carry out. And if feels so great. Yet the more I watch, the more it makes me resent that I hardly ever get proper sex. But I keep going back to it cos it’s pretty much all I have.

Here if you need to talk