Newlywed and no sex :(

I’ve married the man of my dreams (after we each had been alone for 15 years – he is 60, I am 63) and all is good except we don’t have sex!

Last year (we met online, then in person last April), we had a week of marvelous sex. On my second visit, we made love 3 times in 2 weeks. Subsequent visits were about the same.

When I moved here (Newfoundland) to marry him, we had sex 2 nights after my arrival – though he wasn’t able to finish. 2 weeks later, on our wedding night, we tried again and he couldn’t get it up. And…. He hasn’t been able to since then. It’s been 5 weeks.

He has gone to the doctor who prescribed Cialis – that didn’t work at all. Then he tried Viagra, same results – nothing!

He is very affectionate and loving. Spoils me rotten. But, after so many failed attempts, he won’t even try anymore. He’s depressed and frustrated, too.

For 15 years, I took care of my own needs with toys. Here I am, a married woman, and I STILL have to use the toys. Soooo frustrating for me!

I’m not sure if I’m asking for advice here, or just venting. I think nothing will change and I must accept all the other glorious aspects of our marriage, and just let go of this issue before it drives me insane.

 

You could try having him use the toys on you, or he could use his fingers/tongue. Try interacting sexually a few times without any pressure for him to perform. If it is a mental thing, getting you off a few times may help.

 

I've asked him to do that -- to use the toys on me -- at least we're doing it together!He said ( a week ago) he'd try but it hasn't happened yet. I'm trying to be patient. I know he is upset, too, because sex was an important part of our relationship from the beginning.

 

Maybe he was overwhelmed about the whole marriage thing and once he gets a little more time to relax in married mode he will get back into action.
Has he been married before? Has he been out of relationship a long time?
All of those could be part of his issue, just show you love him, wiggle a butt cheek here and there and maybe it will happen soon. Some men need cuddling during a long movie,,, that might help on a night he and you are very relaxed. Just being yourself and adding a playful poke in the ribs might make him want it.
Don't panic and especially don't show panic, he will begin feeling bad about your side of things and might complicate further. Wishes for a great marriage for you both.

 

He was married 15 years ago for 5 years. His last relationship was 5 years ago -- all was fine then. All was fine with us until we married.
We cuddle/touch all the time. It's the actual sex act that he's afraid of since the last 2 times bombed out.

 

Do you try stimulating him or do you just leave it up to him to "get it up?" Obviously a man's ability to "get it up" can deteriorate with time and as we get older. But psychology also plays a huge role and if he feels pressure, either by you or himself that can easily bounce him out of the mood.

Sometimes taking a simple step back to take the pressure off and then re-engaging subtly can make all the difference. Do you ever try just playing with him, massaging him? Oral stimulation? very light rubbing? Anything?

 

Yes, I've tried all of that. After a few minutes, he asks me to stop -- that I'm wasting my time. Then, he rolls over and goes to sleep.
Last night, while I was half asleep, my hand dropped onto his thigh. He picked it up and put it off of him, then rolled over away from me. I wasn't even trying to make a sexual overture!

 

How is his cardiovascular and circulatory system health? What about diet and exercise?

Have him try some almonds and dark chocolate (like 80% dark chocolate) in the diet about 3 times a week.

Also ask the doctor to check his testosterone levels.

 

He was to the doc a month ago and all seemed fine.
I want him to go back for a testosterone check.
He has a nut allergy so that won't work. Thanks though.

 

Ginseng then as drummin said.



Also define "fine", because imho the medical community's standards of what "your in fine health" means, is a pretty low bar.

 

I'm a firm believer in herbals/natural medicines. I'll research ginseng.

I've said that he has tried the Cialis and it didn't work BUT he was only taking one pill an hour before we wanted to make love. They give him horrible headaches.
Is there a dosage schedule he should follow rather than taking only one now and then? Maybe small doses to lessen the headaches?

 

All I know is that's what he told me the doc said.

 

Wow... I feel bad for you. Personally I think you need to rattle him and tell him how important this is for you, that you have feelings and needs and such. If he at this early is pushing away just a simple touch let alone you trying to please him that is very bad IMHO.

And in the meantime you should ask yourself if you are prepared & willing to live the rest of your life unfulfilled sexually cause it doesn't sound like he's pleasing you much. For myself I'm a very tactile person and my wife isn't as much, meaning I can be too touchy at times, but then it also depends on her cycle as well (you woman are such complicated critters). So for myself I've learned to just deal with it as overall the pluses outweigh the minuses and I also have years of investments and kids as well which certainly adds to the plus sides. If I didn't have that I might seriously rethink things... Being newly weds you can still get annulled and not take too much of a loss financially / legally.

Bottom line, this guy might be great as you say in many other ways but you are still newly weds and this sexual issue might be a pre-curser for other issues yet to come. But rather than speculate too much about the what ifs, again ask yourself some basic questions such as would you rather be fulfilled by men occasionally even if that means you are alone & unwed? Would you be willing to go back out into the dating pool? Is it more important for you to have comfort and companionship with this person even if there was no sex life at all?

I'm guessing there are going to be other problems with this guy and you are just seeing the first. Good luck

 

Wow! You've brought up an entirely different thought on this issue.

I have poured my heart out to him in a long email (I communicate my thoughts better that way, and so does he) and he replied that he would do his best to be better. But, so far, those are just words on the screen.

When we were dating, during my visits to him, our relationship was based on how sexually compatible we were -- it was amazing! As time went by, we both realized we loved each other as friends as well as lovers.

All was fine, for the most part, until we married. The wedding night was a disappointing wash-out. Nothing has happened since then.

He continues to hug/kiss me several times a day, tells me he loves me, fondles me now and then. When he goes to bed, he always kisses me good night. If it's an extra sexy/French kiss, I ask him if he wants me to "tuck him in"..... he always says 'No, it'd probably be a waste of time.' Then I say 'We could TRY!' But he just kisses me again and says goodnight. ..... Gr-r-r-r-r!

No, I'm not willing to have an annulment. We love each other very much. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

 

When you say you've tried all of that, do you mean blow jobs or foreplay? At his (soon to be my) age kissing his nipples is as important as kissing his dick.

He's hesitant to use toys on you, how is he with his hands or his tongue?
His body giving pleasure to your body is important to him. A toy might be interpreted (not intended) as "your dick is no good, you are no good, replace it with this".

Make the goal physical closeness and physical pleasure not only orgasm.
Take a massage class together, let him know that no matter the state of his penis, you want his body to feel good and you want him to make your body feel good.

(The sudden change suggests a medical issue. Talk to a doctor who will look for something else, now that you know that the "magic pills" aren't working. How's his blood sugar, diabetes?? )

 

I mean both -- blow job, hand job, fondling/kissing. He loves having his nipples played with/kissed and I do that also. Nothing works.
He used to get me off with his fingers about 3 mornings a week but that hasn't happened in over 6 weeks.

I use the toy on myself when he's at work. I only asked him once if he'd be interested in using it on me -- at least we'd be doing something together. He said we could try that. It's never been brought up again -- or tried.

I found out the Cialis his doc gave him are the 20 mg. to be used only as needed. That is a lot and gives him a horrible headache. I'm wondering if the 5 mg. taken daily would be more helpful. ???

I'm going to bring it up this weekend about making a doc appointment to have all that checked.

 

Well in that case it's time to make the most / best out of the situation... If you truly love him and feel there's nothing better than by all means move forward with everything you can to help try and fix this...

And first I just want to say I think it's absolutely awesome that you have the attitude which you do. It's easy to turn a blind eye on things and move on but if this is real substance for you then so be it... Far as fixing this I think the first thing is trying to break through his insecurities (I assume that's what they are) regarding this issue such that you can talk with him and hopefully face to face other than email. Erectile dysfunction (if that's what this is) is very serious for guys and is almost if not the same as a woman not being able to produce babies. Now I'm hypothesizing about a lot of this and only you and him know what's truly going on and if you really feel he means well and wants to fulfill you and himself as well then there's always hope. This may be new to him, he may not know how to cope with it and or what to do. If not then there may be other issues at stake as well. You said you had a few successful encounters early on. So either that means the plumbing works and there's something else wrong or he has some other issues which needs to be worked through. Without further analysis it's really hard to tell...

The thing I really wonder though is if his shyness and pulling away is out of anger at himself for things or if (I hate to say it) he's been pulling a ruse over you and just faking things to bait you in. I know it sounds nuts and I don't mean to play your husband off as a bad guy by any means but it's either an issue of frustration and physical limitations or something else and I hope it's the former for you. Good luck and keep posting updates...

 

Thank you, I'm trying my best to stay calm and rational about all of this.
I really do thinks he means well and I'm sure he is embarrassed/upset about all of it.

I don't believe he has tried to pull a ruse on me because he was fine during our dating and was fine the first time we made love after my arrival here for the wedding.

He said being married feels weird to him, he'd been alone for many years and enjoyed being able to go through life just caring for himself. He's still trying to adjust to it.

He said he would make a doc appointment to get tested/checked over thoroughly. I'll keep reminding him to do so until he actually follows through.

He has been stressed due to it being the end of the school year (he's an Art professor) and all the exams/grading that's involved. He retires next January and, though he says he can't wait -- that teaching is not a joy for him anymore -- I suspect that it IS bothering him. What to do with the rest of his life, who is he if he's not a teacher?, that kind of thing.

We did talk some yesterday and he said when school lets out, he will be less pressured/stress and promised our life together would improve. Sooo.... I'm just hanging in there for now.

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'll post as things progress (I hope).

 

A bit of progress over the weekend -- deep kisses and fondling under my clothes, kissing me all down my back to my bum.... it was soooo yummy and so loving of him.
He still hasn't made a doc appointment yet -- will nudge him that way soon.