New Here, Seeking Guidance.

First time at this site, thought I would reach out for some help guiding me through my questions. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I am not completely straight on the sexuality spectrum and I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. I am female (biologically and gender-wise) and have dated males up until this point, however I have always questioned whether or not that was right for me and have been attracted to females as well. I am getting to a point in my life where I don't want to settle down with a male and wonder if I would have been happier giving something else a chance. I know there are people who say that if you were gay you would know it, and they have known it all their lives, but it must also be possible to not be sure right away especially before being with someone of the same sex.

That being said, I am in a conundrum of being in a (happy for the most part) relationship at the moment. I am planning/thinking of being open with him and discussing the fact that I would like to explore what it would be like for me to be with a woman. I am terrified that he will be hurt and angry, and that I will ruin a good relationship in my life for a bug I've had in my gut for a while but am not positive about.

I am not completely sure if this website is where I will find help with this, but I would really enjoy some insight from someone who maybe has gone through a similar thing...and some courage to face up to it.

 

hello....welcome to the website....hope you find what you are looking for

 

Being in a relationship does not mean that your current BF owns you. Equally so, you do not own him. You are still free people to explore, and evolve.

You are taking a right decision by talking with him about it. Your sexual experience is a big part of your relationship. If you continue to be craving for a different experience, the sense of unhappiness and unfulfillment will emerge, and possibly destroy your present relationship. You do not want to cheat on your BF but if you cannot talk to him about your cravings what is the real value of your relationship?

You may be surprised to discover that your BF may have understanding for your desires. Recent research shows that many str8 men spent some time of their lives exploring their sexuality with their male friends. Not every guy out there will be happy to fess it all up, but he just may be a bit more tolerant than you expect him to be.

A number of str8 men see f2f sex as something pretty hot, and since there is no other male involved, they are less likely to have jealousy issues.

KD

 

Thanks, KD. That was both insightful and encouraging.

As an update, I began to bring it up last night. He was not very pleased and a little discouraged at the misconception it affects my attraction to him, but he agreed to continue to discuss it moving forward.

 

No.

Somethings in life can only be learned through experience, and some of those things can only be learned at 6 yrs old.

Long explanation short, your eyes and voice will always give you away, but at the same time you will go your whole life never understanding why

Basically you hooked up with a guy you knew you never were going to be aroused by becuase he was safe and did stuff for you, but thats meant a whole bunch of sexual frustration. You think it might be better with a woman, becuase at least they would know more about which buttons to press

But if you ever did pluck up the courage, you would try with a girl that is actually gay, not another one like you...at the same time you are still talking about attempting to stay in a relationship with this guy

So you already know how gay you aren't
As for those gay girls, for every one like them, there are 50 like you. So on top of everything else, never really have any idea of what you are competing with

 

Vanilla Gorilla,

I do thank your input and your discussion. My concern is that you assume that one, I do not feel arousal for the man I am with and two, that I only seek being with a woman in hopes that it "gets better". Both of those ideas are false. What your discussion has done though is confirmed my fear that in exploring this more, there are many who will think my intentions are not as pure as somebody who has known they wanted to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same sex their entire life. I clearly recognize that being in a heterosexual relationship and wanting to stay in that relationship does not make me the same as an "actually gay" female as you put it. But who cares? Does that mean that if I want to explore the part of me that wants to have sex with a woman I shouldn't because it's too late for me?

 

I think you should go back to being straight. You don't have to stay in a relationship with someone if they're not doing it for you. You just need to find a nice way to say goodbye. That's what I think anyway.

 

Well thats it righg there, when it comes to being with a woman, which type are you going to want, one just like you with a husband, not into everything....no

And notice that time you said sex with a woman rather than partner/relationship

Why do you assume you know yourself better than anyone else?

Why is it so confronting that someone may know you better than you do? Especially in this regard? The gay girls, and yes the ones that are actually gay, have heard all this 10,000 times before, whereas you have never actually experienced 'you' before

 

Yes, I absolutely assume that I know myself better than anyone else. That is why I am here, developing myself. I did say sex, and I have not labeled myself as straight, gay, bisexual, or anything, because that I am still finding within myself exactly where on that spectrum I fit.

Also, I definitely would not seek out a woman who is married just as I would never seek out a man who was married. I have not even begun to consider what type of person I would be with if I were to be (and it would not be while I am in a committed relationship with somebody unless that was consensual) and I do not think you would have any idea for me either. I understand I opened myself up to this dialogue and I appreciate you challenging me so that I can even further explore my actual thoughts on the matter.

 

Sexuality can drift over time.

 

Or not, and everything about a person is all predetermined by the time the are 6 years old, including the probability for certain predispositions that will surface later on once biological, social and environmental factors change

 

I'm happy to hear he agreed to continue discussing it. Communication is the key.
I hope all the best for you and that you both evolve in your relationship.

Take care,

 

A few str8 men tend to be very fragile.

The notion that his GF may be interested in having sex with anyone else leads them to believe that they are simply not 'good enough', and as such, unable to satisfy her sexual needs.

Well, they are wrong on at least two accounts:

First off, even the ablest of men is always only a man. He has both a hardwiring and hardware that he has. He may be very powerful, sensual and able but his scope of action if relatively wide, will always be limited.

Second off, the very concept of anyone being there in a relationship in order to fulfill his/her partner's sexual needs in a dutiful and fulfilling manner is a deeply flawed 19th century atavism. True, sexual component is vital in adult human relationships of the nature that the OP described. But the notion that anyone HAS TO make anyone else sexually fulfilled beyond any other desire is false. We are humans and not tools to please the others alone.

An interesting question here to the OP would be: How would you feel if a BF of yours told you that he would like to experience sex with another man?

KD

 

The test of a relationship is how well one communicates with the other. I am glad you approached your bf with the idea, rather that acting and telling him after the fact.
I encourage you to explore your sexuality. The only way you are going to know is by experiencing it for yourself. If your bf really cares about you, he should allow you
the space to to that. I am hopeful that you will be able to sort all of this out. I have found this place to be a supportive community.

 

So, the way to be supportive is tell her that her boyfriend should let her, otherwise he doesnt really care about her?

 

It's in his own best interest to let her do whatever it takes to figure this out. What man wants to invest in a long term relationship with a woman who isn't sure about her own sexual preference?

An increasing percentage of young women are trying it both ways before making up their minds. I don't know any other way to be sure. One thing I can tell you from experience is that being with another girl was different from how I thought it would be.

 

Realistically though, how many guys are going to put up with that

 

Does he have a better option?

 

A new girl that would start threads fantazing about him

 

Maybe.