Hey guys and gals, I was wondering if I could get some advice on a situation that I've found myself in. I was particularly hoping to hear from some people that have gone through abuse, since that's a big part of the issue here. I'll start right from the beginning and share some background information... I turned to online dating a while back, and met a very sweet girl. According to her profile, we had a lot of similar interests. I sent her a message and we began talking for a few days. Then, she disappeared for a couple weeks. I then received a message from her apologizing for her disappearance. She gave me her number and we started texting. We continued to find that we had even more things in common and were like minded on our thoughts about love and relationships. So, I worked up the courage and asked her out, and she accepted. I was super nervous, being that it was my first first date in nearly eight years. I picked her up and we were out to eat at Olive Garden and then went out to a movie. I would have liked to do something a little different, but we wanted to keep it kind of light and there just wasn't much to do in the area in early March. Anyway, we talked and shared stories about our lives. Everything was going great. After the movie, she gave me a hug and said she had a great time. Once I got her back to her house, she hugged me again. Now, being a gentleman, I was going to open the car door for her and walk her to the door. But, as soon as she hugged me, she jumped out of the car and ran to her door. I sent her a text once I got home, and was kind of surprised when she said that she had a great time with me and wanted to go out again. Her reasoning for bolting to the door was that she was very nervous. She told me that she hates talking on the phone, so all of our talks were via text. She told me multiple times that she could see a great future with me and wanted more. Anyway, we planned a second date, but she found out she had to work as the day got closer. I was understanding and planned on rescheduling. It was around this time that her texting became less frequent until I was getting maybe one text a day. Finally, she told me that things were unstable in her life at the moment and she knew I liked some stability. After this text, she stopped talking to me, but remained my friend on Facebook. Over a month later, in mid-April, she started texting me again. I won't put all of her business out there, but I'll say that she told me that she was having a terrible home life and that's one of the reasons she disappeared. The other reason was that she was nervous as the possibility of a relationship got closer. The reason was that she was abused in previos relationships, both physically and mentally. I was very understanding and told her numerous times that I wasn't like that. We continue to talk constantly through texting. She tells me that she is very guarded because of her past, but she appreciates how I've stood by her. She says that her wall is slowly coming down. Everytime I suggest another date, she always says it isn't a good time, but tells me that she likes me a lot. Well, I decided to surprise her one day by picking her up at work. She's had some car issues, so she gets picked up from work by friends or her mom. Once I was in the parking lot, I sent her a text basically saying that I was in the area and wanted to surprise her. She responded by saying that it wasn't a good day to hang out and apologized profusly. Apparently her mom was in the parking lot, and she had her come around to the back of the store where she works and get her from the back door. Ever since, we have still been talking and she continues to tell me how much she likes me, but is still too nervous to meet up again. Half the time I mention meeting up again, the text messages stop for several hours, but she always texts me later on that night. I'm trying really hard to be supportive and understanding because of her past, but I don't know if I'm just being too impatient about meeting her again. I really like her, and want to move things forward at some point. I was wondering if anyone who was in abusive relationships could offer me any advice or incite about the situation?
If she wasn't too nervous to meet up the first time than why now? I would look at her actions and not believe the excuses. Maybe something could happen in the future, but for now I would move on. It's not worth the energy and you definitely don't want to start chasing her around.
You say you meet her on a dating site! Is her profile still on that site? If it is you can probably bet that she is meeting other people on there as well. Which could explain why she stops talking for a while then comes back to it. She is probably keeping you as an option well meeting other people. Not that uncommon of a thing. Woman get tons of responses on those sites. A buddy of mine had the same thing happen with him. He meet a girl off one of those sites and thought things were going well only for her to tell him after a while she was seeing some other guy as well. She ended up choosing the other guy, but when that didn't work out she started talking to buddy again and I guess he was desperate enough to be okay with being the second choice. Myself I would not sit around waiting for this one to figure her shit out. I would get out and meet more woman and leave my options open as well.
I agree with enhancer, she could be holding you for a back up should others not work out. I dated many but told them all I was not serious yet and those who wanted to hold on did, those who wanted to move on did. I was up front about it with them tho. My BF now was one of the first I started texting with and for another reason I dumped him after it began to get close to phone calls, not because of choices just something didn't feel right. He laid back a few weeks and then flagged me again on the site and we talked more. After a couple or three weeks I decided to meet him and it went better then I had expected, now we are serious. And enhancer is also right about the women getting lots of hits, BF said he got a few hits and met one woman before me who was nuts and in that same time I got over fifty wanting to meet me and probably dated about 20 of them at least once. Keep looking and move on if you find one less nervous because that nervousness she claims might be real and could be a challenge for a relationship
After her disappearance the second time, after the date, she deleted her profile. I know it might not count for much, but we've been Facebook friends since we first started talking, and I've never seen her add a new guy on there. I'm almost tempted to just flat out ask her if this is going to go anywhere, but once I start working up the courage, I just feel like I'm an asshole for making her think I'm forcing her to make a choice when she's told me that she needs time.
i think you should give her the time she needs....and be patient with the things...dont need to ask her to meet every now and then....just ask her howz her life goin?...everythings welll or not? instead i would say...never ask her out....because when she feels right...she will initiate the topic herself...just be patient ... and loving. you said it right...you 're getting a bit impatient ( but thats purely personal opinion, please dont mind) in the mean time go on with your life...see others...if you feel okay....but if you want to stick with her...be patient never ask...what she doesnt like.... that's it from my side....give her enough time love peace..
I kind of agree with others. What about her interests you so much? I don’t mean to sound mean but a relationship or at least starting one shouldn’t be that hard. What do you have invested at this point? A lot of texting and a single date which obviously wasn’t knocked out of the park. So what are you clinging to??? Unless you’re really into rescues you should totally cut loose of this. I mean seriously she could totally be pulling your leg over all this. Even if she’s not are you really willingly wanting to engage into a relationship with an apparently unstable person to begin with?
Apparently lots of people with issues use dating sites, including abuse issues. I'm one of them. I can see myself in this girl's shoes. I've been on many online dates and how I got through them is a mystery to me. I am such a nervous wreck. At this point, I'm really scared to invest in any relationship because honestly I don't trust anyone. I've had a lot of guys be dicks to me and turn on me. So while I've been trying to date, I'm just really un-certain about it. So dating makes me nervous. Very nervous. Plus, I think people with history of abuse tend to develop anxiety and anti-social behavior. I find it easier to communicate with people through texting and e-mail. I do not like phone conversations at all. I've hit it off with many people but if they happen to say something that upsets me or even gives me any reason to think they might not be decent or might not respect me and be abusive, I cut off ties. I won't talk to them anymore. I will also fall off the face of Earth if I'm going through a rough time in my life and won't talk to anyone for a while... maybe that's what happens to her when she disappears. So be patient with her. Just continue texting if you like her so much. Mention to her that whenever she's ready to go she should let you know, don't keep bugging her about it. When she feels more comfortable, maybe after some more texting and opening up then maybe she will want to hang out.
I haven't been on in awhile, but thought I'd make an update. We continued texting each other for quite some time. She started sending me texts saying, "I want you so bad." Or, "I need you in me right now." Eventually, she made plans to come see me for a day. It was to be on a day that I was working, but I told her I'd call off just to hang out with her. The night before she was to come visit, she still wasn't sure if she wanted to drive to visit me, or have me come and pick her up. I told her that I'd text her first thing in the morning to make sure it was still on, so I could call into work with plenty of notice. She said that things were still good to go for the next day, unless something happened with her grandmother. As soon as she said this, I had I feeling about how it would play out. At 6:30 in the morning on the day we were going to see each other, she sends me a text that her grandmother went into the hospital and she wasn't coming over. She had told me before that her grandmother was ill, so I believed her, and offered my support. I wished her grandmother well, and asked the girl if she was doing okay. But, I never heard from her. After two days of silence, I asked if everything was okay, but got no response. Only when I asked if we were still talking, did she responded by saying she was confused. When I asked about what, she vanished again. I waited another day with no text from her. As politely as I could, I listed out my worries that she wasn't as serious as I was about wanting something more, and how I would get these hot and cold responses from her about a future together. I told her I thought she was a fantastic person, and always would be around if she needed someone to talk to about stuff in her life. Still, I got no response. I was discussing this situation with a friend, who revealed to me some of his own personal abuse past, and he suggested I text her one last time stating I was worried about her and suspected her to be in trouble again. I did this, and she immediately responded that there was still ongoing mental abuse, but she wouldn't tell me what was going on, unlike the previous times when she was very honest about it to me. All she wanted was for us to continue down the path we were once on towards a relationship. I told her I was interested in this, but only if some effort was made to actually see each other. After this, she vanished and I haven't heard from her in over a month.
I feel like she is just playing you. Just in the way she comes up with excuse not to see you but also saying she wants you. Something similar thing happened with my brother
If I was in this situation, I would ask her why she keeps denying my request to meet up again. I will keep asking her until she answers, that is if she attempts to avoid the question at first. Obviously, I won't keep asking her if she answers. Anyways, I will keep trying until I decide not to try anymore and I move on. I could find clever ways that is not asking her to solve this problem, but I'm lazy and I'm not creative. I could make assumptions about her and the situation, but that just will work me up. And I can move on with my life right then and there, but I like her and I want to try first. So, all I have left is to ask. I think you should ask her direct and honest questions, without being aggressive, of course. As for the abuse, I've been abused, but I can't really tell you what is going on with her. I do... maybe... think because she told you about the abuse that her behavior might be because of the abuse. But, does that really help you with anything? It's just an assumption and we all know how much people get worked up with assumptions.
Now, I'm assuming. If the abuse is ongoing, I can see why she keeps disappearing because I'm assuming, something dangerous is happening to her. Maybe she thinks her life is okay, so she contacts you, but something happens again, which results in her disappearance because she has to deal with that. I probably would check up on her, not through text, but actually going to her place. She will hate me for it, I would hate me for it. But, if the abuse is ongoing... I don't know... it doesn't sit right with me. So, I would have to check on her. I wouldn't even be thinking about having a relationship anymore, I would just be thinking about her safety. I don't know, maybe I'm being too serious. Poor girl.
