negative additudes about parenting

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by nightmarehippygirl, May 19, 2004.

  1. nightmarehippygirl

    nightmarehippygirl LEVI'S MOMMY

    my hubby and i made the mistake of telling a few people that we were trying to have a baby. now, of course, everyone and their dog knows.

    one of the odd things that i have encountered is how many people have the nerve to tell us that we don't really want children, and that we will be sorry for essentially ruining our lives.

    i guess i am shocked because first of all, it's not like we were doing a survey to see what everyone thought we should do. our mind was already made up. it seems to me like one of those circumstances where if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything. secondly, i guess i am surprised how many adults i know that willingly had children, and now apparently think their kids have sort of wasted their life.

    i am not naive enough to think we are "ready" for kids. i think if you waited until everything was just right, you'd never have them. but...after 4 years of marriage, i feel that we are in a position to take the plunge. we have always wanted children.

    did anyone else have people dumping such crappy unsolicited advice on them? how did you handle it?

    i am, after all a married adult. we aren't living with parents, or anything like that. my husband has a good job...etc etc. i guess i can't exactly see what the objection is. it's as if people think that it is not a valid desire to have a family, people keep saying that we'll be missing out on fun. isn't there anyone else in the world that thinks that having a family could actually be fun, and not an 18+ year prison sentence?
     
  2. Heat

    Heat Smile, it's contagious! :) Lifetime Supporter

    Your post made me smile as I remember the comments that some people made.....and it gets worse once you have them as the comments at times will floor you.... :)

    Best advice is to talk about it with your partner and do as you both wish on this one and also as you both come to a compromise when you have little ones and when the "people" in your lives sprout their bits of wisdom.......take what fits for you and leave the rest with a little inner grin.....
     
  3. HappyHaHaGirl

    HappyHaHaGirl *HipForums Princess*

    Having a baby is the best thing that will ever happen to you in your life. Trust me, I was 17 when I got pregnant and I got a shitload of negative feedback from all over the place. There isn't a happier feeling in the world than holding your sweet little creation and watching him grow up into a terrific person. My advice is to tell them to fuck off and let you make your own decisions, because you're a big girl now and you don't need a bunch of ungrateful people bossing you around.And if it's a girl...name it Hannah.... hehe :D


    Good luck. ;)
     
  4. nightmarehippygirl

    nightmarehippygirl LEVI'S MOMMY

    thanks for the advice. it's nice to know that someone in the world likes their kid. as for the name...if it is a girl, it is going to be violet ann. if it's a boy, i dunno. hubby and i can't agree on that one. (he likes the wierdest names...i liked sage, dominic, isaiah, and aidan....he vetoed all of those...i wish i could think of the names he liked...lol).
     
  5. BobbinBecca

    BobbinBecca Member

    Being "the first" of a group of young friends is tough; be prepared for a gap to form and realize petty human nature, not specific aggression is behind their attitude. And be prepared for them to start having babies shortly after you!!

    That was my experience anyway. The only people who can decide if you're ready is you, and the only Person that can make the final decision is You-Know-Who.

    My biggest advice? Stay out of debt. Live within your means. Start saving as soon as you make the decision, and why do I say all this about money when babies are so cheap?? Babies may be cheap but families aren't, and the #1 things parents fight about is money, and it can break up that family.
    Bee
     
  6. nightmarehippygirl

    nightmarehippygirl LEVI'S MOMMY

    [/QUOTE] My biggest advice? Stay out of debt. Live within your means. Start saving as soon as you make the decision, and why do I say all this about money when babies are so cheap?? Babies may be cheap but families aren't, and the #1 things parents fight about is money, and it can break up that family.
    Bee[/QUOTE]
    yeah, i know about that part. we have always tried to do that. last year when i went to beauty school, we borrowed some money, but that is essentially our only debt. we are going to pay it off asap, theoretically before the baby is born. otherwise, we drive oldish honda accords, that are paid for, and we live in an apartment. i am thinking we will eventually end up buying a mobile home, because i am sick of apartments, and my husband's job will require us to move periodically. it doesn't make a lot of sense for us to buy a home and have to sell it next year. we unfortunately pay $800 a month for our apartment, but i guess the cost of living here is fairly high.
    at any rate, i know you are right, and we are always mindful of that side of things.
     
  7. I got that from everyone I know. I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first child and my "Bestfriend" told me to abort because SHE did when she got pregnant. I was told im ruining my life I will regret and resent my child. Needless to say I have had a fulfilling life with him. SO much so that me and my husband had another child. Of course I heard that once again, but not from her this time it was from her sister telling me that I should go to college and such. She had the nerve to tell me and i quote
    "I hear your sister is preg"
    "Nope, she had an abortion"
    "Omg that is great news at least one of you will be going to College/University!"

    I was like Uhm Yeh , Uhm Im going ot school after they are 5 years old its not like its going anywhere Plus Im saving the money to become a midwife or doula then told her shut up bitch and hung up on her
    The nerve of some people Thing is they dont know what they are missing I just pitty them for having the narrow mind that they do. Then again I would rather them NOT have kids at that selfish stage than have the kid at the selfish stage and neglect or mess the child up!(I know one person who did that)
    her mother was going to adopt the child but her retort was"I carried her inside of me for 9 months she is mine" Needless to say this child has a problem with touching boys with her mouth...and is now ,by a physchologist, clinicly depressed at 7 years of age!!!
     
  8. WayfaringStranger

    WayfaringStranger Corporate Slave #34

    fuck other people. raising your children is gonna make the two of you the happiest people in the world. those people are just jealous.
     
  9. mrs_eads80

    mrs_eads80 Member

    I love my children, and becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But it is not all easy. I remember when my daughter was first born there was a couple of nights I sat up crying cause all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but she had other ideas (I am sure postnatal hormose helpped cause those tears too). I had trouble breastfeeding. My nipples were so irritated they craked and bleed. And still today there are days that my little darlings are yanking at my last nerve (I found a trip to the park helps with that)...


    But I have to say with all the horrible, upsetting, and down right gross things that have happenned. There has been more wonderful, loving, cute, astonishing moments. That makes up for all the bad stuff
     
  10. sugrmag

    sugrmag Uber Nerd

    We have the same best friend!! She told me to have an abortion the last time I was pregnant. Then she moved to NY. When she moved back, I lost touch with her. She called me at the hospital and cussed me out because I didn't tell her I decided to keep the baby! Needless to say, she's not my friend anymore!
     
  11. Mari

    Mari Member

    WOW your post took me back 19 years! LOL

    I was 18 when I got married, and had my daughter when I was 22. I also had people telling me the same things you have heard. Don't listen. If you and your husband feel that you are ready to have children that is all that matters.

    Having children is not always a picnic, but it's not the worst thing in the world either. I have 4 and while sometimes it's been a struggle at the same time it is the most wonderful experience. I always wanted kids and I enjoyed having every single one of them. I wouldn't change anything. My oldest is 18 and the youngest 10. I look at them now and smile, as sometimes it's still hard to believe they are really mine. LOL I miss the days when they were babies, but every day brings something new, and we do have fun. Sometimes I want to lock myself in my room just to have some peace though! LOL

    Sure there might be some fun that you miss out on, places you would like to go but can't because you have a baby to look after, but honestly you won't even notice as you will be having too much fun watching your little one learn new things :)

    I hope it all works out for you! :)
     
  12. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    These people are either people who don't want children, and think that that makes them weird, so they want to convert everyone to their POV. Or people who have children and hate them. YOU are neither.

    Ignore these people, you know your own heart more than they do. If you want babies, it is none of their business.

    When I was pregnant with my fourth a womyn who I thought was a freind got violently angry at me. I didn't get her "permission" before getting pregnant (she is a terrible control freak) and she told me I wasn't that good of a mother anyway (because my kids dress funny, first of all, her kids wear nothing but Nike shit and designer clothes, my kids wear second hand stuff and tie dye) and at "my age" (I was 37) I should have an abortion, as I would "probably have one of those Mongoloid kids who are a burden on society." She is no longer a freind, I am happy to say. People like this are not healthy for your fertility or your pregnancy or your mental health.

    I wanted my babies, every one of them, and I never complained about being a parent, and anyone who tried to diss my need to have children was ignored or taken out of regular freind circulation. My kids are more important than those people.

    Blessings.
     
  13. nightmarehippygirl

    nightmarehippygirl LEVI'S MOMMY

    thanks for all of the positive feedback, everyone. it's nice to know that i am not the only one who gets so much grief.

    it seems like many people consider children to be an afterthought, like something you do "when you have time" or "after you get you career established". for me, i would like to have a family, and have that be my career. i have always wanted children. i know that's it's not always easy or pleasant, but i can't think of many things that would be more rewarding than parenthood. (for those who choose to look at it that way...)

    come to think of it, i got a lot of crap when i decided to get married at age 18. people said it was dumb, that we would "miss out", blah blah. well, it's been 4 years, and things have been hard, sometimes excruciatingly so, but i am not sorry i did it, and i would do it again. i was never really interested in partying and dating lots of guys and so on. i haven't missed those experiences.people are different i guess. i certainly wouldn't advocate that everyone should get married at such an early age, but it worked out ok for me.
     
  14. Mari

    Mari Member

    Maggie that's horrible!! :( What a shame some people have to be like that.
     
  15. Mari

    Mari Member

    I got the same thing when I got married, including people that said it wouldn't last. HA! This August it will be 22 years, and every struggle was worth it :D
     
  16. Angel_Headed_Hipster

    Angel_Headed_Hipster Senior Member

    Having a baby would be the most wonderful thing in our existence if Humans had not made the world the way it is. Most people who have babies and regret it, regret it because of all the MONEY they have to spend on the baby, and all the MATERIAL ITEMS that the baby wants but the parents can't afford. It is Human made things that ruin the wonders of having a child.

    Peace and Love,
    Dan
     
  17. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

    Mari, this womyn has removed herself from my life. I felt a profound sense of releif, as she was, as I later realized, very toxic. Of course she was wrong about Sage (and even if Sage had had Down's she would have been just as wanted as she is) but this womyn is just a sad, pathetic person. I feel for her children every day.

    Although one cannot completely control who one has in their lives, I think removing people who are unable to add to your life and want nothing more than to hurt you and your children is sometimes healthy. I used to think I didn't want to be mean or hold grudges, but one can remove toxic people without being mean or being grudgeful. I still see this womyn (she lives on our block, so I am forced to see her all the time) but I am polite and repectful. I usually smile and say hi. Just happy to not have to listen to her toxic comments anymore. (And, weirdly, she always wants an update on how Sage is doing! Looking for ammunition, I think.) It was like a weight being lifted, I didn't even realize what a negative impact she was having on my life, until she was removed.

    YOU know your own needs, and your own heart. It is not up to anyone else to tell you to have or not to have children. People who want others NOT to have kids usually have some serious issues with attachment, nuturing and caring for others (or a history of not being cared for themselves) in thier lives. (Not wanting kids oneself is a totally different issue, I have a couple of freinds who are childless by choice, but NONE of them would tell me or anyone else not to have children just because they didn't want them.) If you want a baby, you know it is best for you AND for the baby. Ignore and remove those who want to make your desire to be a parent difficult.
     
  18. Mari

    Mari Member

    Maggie you are so right about that. I had to do it with two people that were causing trouble for me personally and my family. One of them it took a very long time for exactly the reasons you stated, I didn't want to be totally mean, or disrespectful either. But it got to the point where things just could not continue the way they were. The other one was a friend that I was doing tons of favours for, but started treating my kids like garbage. Got rid of her fast, and now she's using the ankle express :)

    That woman probably feels guilty and that's why she asks about your daughter so much. Looks good on her, she should feel guilty after what she said. I'm glad to hear that you are happier without her friendship. I'm sure that Sage is a beautiful little girl, and even if she had any problems you wouldn't have loved her any different. What struck me was that Down's is a possiblity the older you are, but it was very rude of her to even mention it. I'm sure that it was something that was on your mind anyway...I know it was on mine with my fourth. Anyway, saying it was uncalled for and cruel. :(

    I had someone tell me with my first that I only got pregnant for attention...haven't seen her in almost 20 years :)
     
  19. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    What a lot of people forget to mention is that you are never eady for children nor can you ever be prepared. I mean you can do as much as you can money wise and real up way before having kids and all that but the actual child itself is something that you cannot prepare for...like anything in life it just is unpredictable. I think it's great that you are married and have talked to each other about family planning. For me myself my baby was out of wedlock and totaly unplanned. Talk about unwanted advice...try being in those shoes lol. but we beat the odds of all their advice I kept my baby and I am still with his dad going on 7 years now and we are planning to get married. Don't listen to others..it's your life, you have to wake up to it daily and nightly etc. People are going to offer you advice through all of your parenting as well. You can take from it what you want and leave of it what you want but it's all about what you feel is right. I feel like being a young mom at 19 was something that I chose instead of "having fun" as if life cannot be fun after children, as if partying and doing drugs and kickin it is more inportant then anything that lasts. Anyways I am rambling but you know what I mean. Having already doen it once I feel like my second one will be planned and there are things I will do to make it different. But I don't regret my son. Life gose on.
     
  20. Applespark

    Applespark Ingredients:*Sugar*

    I agre I am the first in all my friends to have a baby and our friends do look up to us for making it work so well and all but I really cannot relate to anyone my age anymore...I mean I relate to people older much easier. The people my age are doing "what they are supose to be doing at their age" but I am ready to move on. I agree stay out of debt...and remember that it really is the simplest things that children love besides loving their mammas and daddies.that's my lil blot of advice.

     

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