Need Honest Opinions

Ok...I met this woman who's 8.5 years older than me, and she has 3 kids. She was only recently divorced by the time that we started kissing and such...admittedly I jumped into this relationship too quickly, but I have never been in a full-blown relationship and this one sort of blossomed right out of the blue. So I went for it. Bear in mind she still wasn't 100 percent divorced, since there's a 6 month waiting period after the initial papers were signed, but the initial papers were signed.

Now, she's pregnant, by me. She has no money and neither do I so she couldn't afford to live at her home anymore. Her friend gives her a great deal for us to move up to Northern Michigan and rent out her house that she recently moved out of. A big ranch with large yard and a very reasonable rent for both of us.

But since she's been pregnant, and since we had been up there, she suddenly grew very distant to me. I knew that the pregnancy played a big role but I also couldn't help but wonder what was up. Suddenly she stopped sleeping in the same bed as me and the sex had completely stopped. I knew that she was unhappy and didn't know if it had to do with me or just our location or what.

Also...she's very casual about lying and subtly changing her stories up all the time. I can never fully tell what the truth is of her words, the more that I spent time with her. But I'm also a very suspicious person naturally. So my dilemma...


I've never once gotten in a fight with her ever before. Never had I raised my voice. By the way she's a big sexist. But since I overhear her talking on the phone with a friend about how she hates it up north and can't stand it, and she had recently earlier that day discussed with me how she wants to go back...this leads me to raising my voice in anger at her for the first time ever once she gets off the phone.

She grew up in a family where she can remember only 1 time (or so she says) that her parents ever got in a fight. My parents constantly got in large arguments, with many nasty words that were exchanged between both parents.

But within 5 minutes of me raising my voice at her, which has to do with that I sensed that perhaps there were more than financial reasons and maybe emotional reasons of why she wants to move back and perhaps not live together for a few months...this leads her to tell me to "get the fuck out of the house". At this point that basically means that she just broke up with me. From my perspective that only confirms that she already wanted to back out of the relationship. But she is saying that she broke up with me because I didn't trust her. From that point on I exploded with anger and called her a bitch among a few other things, which is another reason she later gave for breaking up with me. But I didn't throw in any cheap shot insults until she had already kicked me out of the house within 5 minutes of our FIRST ever argument in a 6 month span of being together.

This is the first time that any of this has happened between us. But she has a history of spontaneously ending her relationships for another man.

The ultimate question is did I overreact in anger and was rightfully broken up with? Or was I spot on with my intuitions that she already wanted to break up?

For the record, most people that I've told this story to have said that it sounds like she was in the wrong and using me to get a child and to latch me onto child support. But perhaps they are taking my side because I am putting my own perspective-spin on it?

 

Hmmm....It just sounds like she's angry at the world because she's pregnant again. She probably regrets letting that happen so soon.

 

My thoughts...

What is the plan for the four children, especially the unborn? I seriously doubt that she intentionally conceived, solely as a source of income. I think she's too cowardly to be honest and upfront with you but I also think it isn't the most important thing you're facing. That is your child as much as it is hers. Do you intend to be part of your child's life? If so, then your relationship with your child should be priority number one and your romantic relationship with her would be second to that.

I think she's right, you don't trust her, but in what you wrote she does not seem to be trustworthy. Don't allow her to blame you for herself. If you don't trust her, be honest with yourself about that. I don't think you're obligated to discuss it with her, because she knows the truth just as well as you do (even if she's in denial about it, and wanting to blame others for her own shortcomings). Not your obligation or duty to open her eyes to herself. You already learned that anger doesn't work for her, but it seems like you're both very open and free with the fight you're in together.

If you intend to be in your child's life, I'd suggest being as peaceful with her as you can possibly be. Don't be her toy or tool, be your child's father. And let her know that you aren't her dick, you are your child's father. Then be that.

Sorry if I seem rude or whatever, those are just my thoughts.

 

No like I said I am seeking out honest answers at this point and not whatever is most convenient.

I agree with everything that has been said so far. Yes I plan on being in the child's life but I had planned on being in it with her. Perhaps I was naïve to think that she was a bit more committed to the relationship but why she would request to me to get her pregnant and then break up with me after our first ever fight doesn't really add up in my eyes. Why would she want that for the kid? Just because I didn't trust her one time that means that it's just over for her?

That's fine, and yes, I do plan on being in this child's life. But down the line now there will most certainly be some other man that's part of the child's life too when I'm not around. I had planned on staying with this woman. She easily and swiftly ended everything. Like I said, I definitely plan on being in this child's life. But would I have agreed to get her pregnant had I known she would back out of the relationship so easily? Why would she want that for the child? She's not willing to give any second chances?

 

I didn't understand this was a planned pregnancy. Sorry.

 

it's all good I should have specified

 

Yeah, I didn't know it was planned either. You might want to get an attorney and get full custody of the child. I'm suddenly terrified of the woman, I think she's a snake. So sorry for what she's done to you.

 

Do not blame yourself for any anger. It is a real human emotion like everything else....and if someone is making you angry, you had every right to react....She backed out long before you yelled at her for whatever reason she has, is my opinion.

 

I have to agree with everything said here. It sounds like she was looking for a baby daddy, for whatever reason. I'm curious as to why she got a divorce from her husband. And how many other relationships she has had that she has ended the same way. It almost sounds like she wants to live in a fantasy life and when things don't go as she imagined them to, she backed out. I would get a lawyer ASAP!!

 

Honestly I appreciate the responses. This is what I get from everyone so far. Honestly I just know that she has a deep hatred for men and she also, having grown up practically an only child (her sister is 12 years older than her and lived away from her growing up) in a Metaphysical family, she has a deep love for Satan/Lucifer I feel like. By the way I'm not some intense Christian or anything, I'm just implying that she identifies with deception. Just from things that she has said in regards to Satan and just how she can act. And I just pick up on this dark hidden part to her but...This is the part where maybe I am curious that I'm just being overly paranoid and just have a crazy ass perception of her that's not true. But...it's hard to describe her but she basically always has to contradict even her own opinion. She even told me that one time and it's way true. Whether you believe in astrology or not, she has a Scorpio Moon conjunct Uranus. I feel like that she just gets off to doing secret and deceptive and forbidden things but maybe my paranoia has gotten the best of me also. I'm open to either vibe now.

But for example I just found out and part of the reason that I yelled is because I had just found out that her ex had just found out about me thru her children. She kept me a secret, so why wouldn't I assume that maybe there's even another one?

 

I don't know... based on the things you have said, it sounds like you might have a reason to be a bit paranoid. Too many red flags popping up about her. Her belief system may or may not have anything to do with it. She seems to have a lot of secrets and is forgetting what she has told people.

The impression I'm getting from you, is that you would like to make a life with her, but you are feeling something isn't right. Do you really want to be with her considering everything that has happened? It sounds like there could a whole lot of other secrets.

 

Yeah I mean I keep feeling that way more and more...but it is still all just a shock to me even though it's about almost a month since the whole thing went down. At this point I just want to know the truth of the situation but perhaps should also stop obsessing about it momentarily.

 

By the way I hope I didn't throw anyone off with the whole Satan thing I just honestly feel like maybe she's a pathological liar though and she hates Christianity with a passion and has just made some interesting statements about Satan in the past. Not that I really care other than it may fuel her drive for secrets and lies.

 

Just curious, are you certain she's even pregnant? If so, how far along is she?

 

Yes she's pregnant by 3 months. Crossing my fingers that she wouldn't lie about who the dad is but maybe I should do the paternity test. isn't it pretty expensive, though?

 

You need a lawyer and a paternity test. I hope for your sake that she either isn't pregnant or the baby isn't yours because this woman sounds batshit crazy. If you think a paternity test might be expensive....raising a kid is a lot more expensive. Raising a kid with someone like her is going to drive you crazy.

 

and I naively thought that I loved this woman and was even committed to her...this is all just so much to soak in. Live and learn I guess? Fuck. Just crazy how a woman can hypnotize like that.

 

She insists that she's never been treated like that before in any past relationship and that it was enough of a reason for her to break it off with me. By that I mean that my shouting and yelling at her face aggressively. She keeps using the word "abusive". Perhaps there's some legitimacy to that? Maybe I truly did just cross some line for her? Bear in mind I had never yelled at her at any point before that. But maybe I was just too harsh? There was no violence or anything at any point and no name calling up to the point that she kicked me out. But you could say there was a certain vicious quality to my anger due to my paranoia. Maybe I straight up scared her?

 

But also...day in day out she was very mean to her kids all day, every day. Constant shouting and fighting. Obviously there's going to be some with kids. But my friend was helping me move shit out of her house and he later talked to me about how unhealthy she was acting to her kids. I always just let it happen and didn't judge. But the one time I get nasty with her it's over instantly.

 

My brutally honest opinion is you both decided, on some weird whim and probably each with different motives, to do something completely life changing. It was not a smart, well thought out decision and its a decision that will bring new life into this world and will effect this little one's life forever.

therefore you have to take your childish decision and deal with the consequence of it like an adult. Forget about trying to have a relationship with this woman, she sounds crazy and you sound like you have anger management issues and two broken people should not raise a child together. Instead, hire a lawyer, take some parenting classes, and be prepared to dedicate and sacrifice every moment of your life for this child.

sorry if I sound harsh but I think its so sad how two people can so obliviously fuck up a little life they brought into the world. Dont fuck up your child's life because you're focused on some melodrama unfolding with your baby mama.