Need Help/guidance With A Few Issues

So a few months ago I reconnected with a woman I met on vacation who now lives near me (about 2 hrs away by boat) And we began texting and talking on the phone every day for the past 2ish months(mostly texting) And we have met up in person twice now. I've really enjoyed getting to know her and we seem to have developed a really good connection and it feels amazing whenever I hear from her and just being close the few times we met in person.

Our first time hanging out was great, she slept over for 2 nights but we didn't have sex, we just ended up getting close, cuddling and enjoyed each others company. She came to visit again for new years eve and I think with all the build up and flirting via text and sexual tension when it did happen I couldn't really keep my erection(This has happened in the past with me with sleeping with a woman for the first time or 2 until I get really comfortable with them) So We talked about it and she suggested that maybe we were putting too much pressure on having sex which really put me at ease. She left to head back home for work the next day and we kept in contact every day like usual, but something seemed different this time, when I asked her if everything was ok, she sent me a message saying she didn't want to continue with the way things are going because she didn't think we were sexually compatible.

This whole situation really got in my head, I just can't help but blame myself and think what did I do wrong or how could I have done something differently to not turn her off, She was all hot for me then all of a sudden just went cold. The only thing I can think of is like the first time we got together for a weekend there was a lot of cuddling and touching and it was really great I just enjoyed that so much, then the next time we met up on New years I kinda gravitated to the same contact and maybe wasn't aggressive enough in initiating sex and maybe she sensed I was more into her than she was to me? or maybe I came off as too clingy I don't know. But I was just doing what felt right.. I think she might have just been looking for a sexy passionate time and I might have been looking for more. But from out text convos. I got the impression she was interested in more than just sex.

This is a few weeks old now and I'm feeling a lot better about it, I was pretty devastated for the first few days after I think I just got a bit too infatuated and invested in her too quickly. And it seems like it has been a very long time since I have felt that way about someone and everything just felt so good and it made me feel alive again.

I also struggle with social and generalized anxiety which leads to depression, and I think that causes me to isolate myself and avoid contact or approaching women. And after this most recent relationship I've really realized how much better it can make me feel just having someone in my life who needs me and loves me. And that it's not healthy to just be a lone wolf. Also I'm a healthy 33 year old dude, women tell me I'm a good looking guy and have a lot going for me but I still just can't seem to make thing work.

Sometimes I'm really confident and feel great about my future and life in general and want to go out and talk to girls and hang out with friends but most of the time I just would rather not be bothered, and enjoy spending time alone I think because there is no chance of being embarrassed or humiliated or being put in an awkward situation. I know how counter-productive this can be, I sometimes try to force myself out into uncomfortable situations but a lot of time I just feel unnatural and revert back to my crutch of avoidance. I'm probably making this sound a lot worse than it really is because I know sometimes I can be a pretty charming, funny and enjoyable person to be around but I guess I have a hard time believing it. I think I just suffer from a very low self esteem and self-confidence.

I find I compare myself to others as well, a few of the guys at my work seem to have no problem talking to women and they are always sleeping with someone and just seem to have no issues, and a few of them take the piss outta me for being kinda shitty with women I know it's because they like me and are joking around but I don't think they realize that it actually does bother me a bit and in a way discourages me even more. I sometimes feel envious and wished I could be that stud of a guy that gets the girl.

I also masturbate on average once a day, but it's almost always to porn, but whenever I would have a woman in my life I would stop watching porn. The type I watch has also progressed as well to kinkier stuff over the years, at first it was just to pictures of certain pornstars or whatever I could get my hands on really, now it's kinda progressed to nothing crazy but I like watching lesbians and curvy women and women riding someones face and getting off on it. The whole mean dominatrix thing doesn't really do it for me it's more just that position I find to be really arousing. In my past relationships I think sex wasn't as good as it should have been? I just sometimes felt it was hard to fully relax and let myself go, and me and my partners never really talked about sex much or if something happened like if I lost my erection during sex or changing positions we wouldn't really talk about it much or satisfying fantasies. I just really want to get that feeling back of being close to someone and having a real connection and have some good sex. I also feel kinda repressed like I'm really missing out on a lot of fun times in my life.

Apologies if this post seems a little convoluted but I just wanted to see if anyone could relate to the stuff I'm going through or could share any advice I would greatly appreciate it!

Cheers

 

Read your post back, as if its someone else...you answer a lot of your problems yourself..but good post!
and wecome to hip, i think you will enjoy it here

 

Thanks Morrow, I guess I did in a way answer some of my own questions. What I was mainly looking for is just to see if anyone has had similar experiences so they could offer some advice.