I'm a 19 year old bisexual female, who only seems to get off on the thought of being abused, raped, or forced. I don't want to be like this and I don't know why it happens, but it seems to be the only thing that turns me on with both males and females, I find that I have to be dominated to get turned on. I've just started a relationship with a beautiful girl and I don't want to be like this with her, and i don't want her to think I'm a freak. I want to just be able to have normal loving sex, not imagine or act out being abused. Is there a way I can sort of re-program myself to stop being so into submission and being forced? It's really starting to get to me..
There's a meditation technique that might help you. Sit quietly in a pleasant and comfortable setting, close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Then invite your fetish to fill your mind. Let the feelings fill you - pain, fear, excitement, arousal, all of it. When you are consumed by your thoughts, use your breath to dissolve your thoughts. The experience is like a special effect in a movie where the images and feelings turn into particles, like a cloud. When you exhale, you breathe the dissolving sensations into an empty space, like the sky. The psychological basis behind the technique is to dissociate your thoughts from your identity. You are having thoughts, but you are not your thoughts. This is an ancient yogic and Buddhist technique - to see your thoughts as passing clouds in an empty sky. It works, but it takes a lot of steady and consistent practice. A fetish is an anchor point of identity. So-called normal sex is as full of fetishes as any other kind - nipples, lips, eyes, and so on. What makes it a fetish is the connection in the brain that says "This is who I am, this is what I want and need to be me." You can say forever "I don't want to be like this", but your brain is wired to say "Too bad. This is who you are." That is what you have to change, the identification with the experience. If you want a quick fix, tell your doctor that you have "situational anxiety" in personal relationships, and your friends have told you of a prescription medication called Lorazepam. You can read about it on Wikipedia and elsewhere. It's a great pill with few side effects or contraindications. Basically, it disconnects sensory input from the part of the brain that produces anxiety. I call it my "I don't give a shit" pill. I don't know if it would work with fetishes, but I have a hunch that you could relax and play with your friend and not be distracted and troubled by your rape fantasies. It's worth a try.
Maybe in this relationship you could focus on her. Focus on how she'd like to be made love to. Become a giver of pleasure. In other words, take the focus off what you want this time.
I think first you need to understand why you are turned on by D/s and BDSM. Sadly, there is still a lot of guilt attached to this when there doesn't need to be. I've spent the past year studying human sexuality trying to understand why I have the attraction to this and where it came from. From my studies and observation, as well as talking to a lot of people who have fetishes and kinky desires, I've come to the conclusion that the origins of the things begin when we are children, from an event or series of events that probably took place between the ages of 3 and 9. After that comes the ingrained teachings that the arousal we felt during these events was bad, evil, scary, wrong, etc... I've been practicing domination and submission for almost the past year and have come to the conclusion that these things are not bad, evil, scary or wrong, and the guilt and fear that I carried about my desires for so many years was what was wrong, not the desires themselves. Everyone has things that causes them to be sexually aroused. That is not wrong. What may (or may not) be wrong, is how it's used. In my own experiences, as well as communication with many people int the D/s community, there is a higher level of communication and consent than in what is called the vanilla world. There is so much of fear and guilt concerning sex to begin with, for many reasons, in our society. Anything that is perceived as kinky, even if if it not, just adds to that guilt. I'm wondering if that is what you are feeling more than the desire to rid yourself of you fetish and kinks. If you are really wanting to rid yourself of it, you are going to need to indepth and time consuming therapy with someone who specializes in sex therapy. I would recommend learning to understand your fetish first and see if you can reach a level of acceptance before going to that extreme.
And not just sex, everything comes from that imprinting / reverse imprinting 2-6 yrs old. Basically you get to 6 yrs old, doesnt matter what you say or do, thats what you are going to be Cant break a fetish because you'd have to rewrite those neurons buried under everything else, never any idea what started it all becuase you cant remember 2 yrs old, even though you are being led the whole time by it Freud was right about the imprinting thing, not very popular though if it means every kind of reparative therapy is useless if nothing can ever go "deep" enough
Wanting the fantasy of being abused and wanting to actually be abused are two different things. Fantasy is fine, but if you were intentionally causing people to get angry and beat on you, that would not be. It's imagination and role play, no different than anything else. If fantasy and role play were sick, crazy, or evil, every person who ever cosplayed, went to a Ren faire, or played Call of Duty would need to be locked up.
