need advice please

Discussion in 'Random Thoughts' started by lynsey, May 15, 2004.

  1. lynsey

    lynsey Banned

    I just met my dad for the first time last weekend. He has tried to contact me via PI for about six months now. Last weekend he took a chance and flew out from MS to san diego and appeared on my door step. I forgave him for having no contact with me and paying no child support my entire life. He is helping me out financialy now and seems like a different person according to my mom. But I am feeling bitter. His kids are in private school while I went to a realy tough public school. I feel like he is already getting too comftrable in our new relationship. I realy do want to get to know him and he is trying. Plus we have so much in common. But I feel like he is starting to relax around me and I feel like it is way too soon for him to stop apologizing. WHat should I do? thanks guys
  2. lace_and_feet

    lace_and_feet Super Member

    You've obviously not fully forgiven him yet if you are feeling these things. I don't blame you. It will take time and effort on his part to prove to you that he really is sorry. Talk to him. Tell him that, although you initially said "I forgive you", you have reflected and realized that it's going to take a lot more to really be able to forgive and move on.
  3. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

    this is probably a good thing if hes already starting to relax with you.

    this might mean hes showing you his real self...

    maybe you could tell him he still needs to 'earn all of your love' or something along those lines.
  4. lynsey

    lynsey Banned

    You are right I haven't truly forgiven him. He himself said I was too easy on him. He is flying out to see me in two weeks and I am so excited. It is just such a weird feeling. I want to hug on him all the time. Is that normal?
  5. lace_and_feet

    lace_and_feet Super Member

    It sounds normal. If i hadn't seen my father my entire childhood, i'd feel deprived and would probably want to make up for lost time.
  6. Althea

    Althea Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Have you told him how you feel? If not you probably should. He should know that even though you forgive him, there are still some open wounds that will take time to heal. He should also be told that your relationship with him will take time to grow, just like any other relationship. If he understands where you are coming from and gives you the impression he is willing work on this relationship with you, slowly, that's really all you can ask of him. If he treats you with kindness, respect, understanding and love you will hopefully be able to put the feelings of bitterness behind you and move forward.
  7. Althea

    Althea Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Drat! Ya'll said what I said before I posted. That's what I get for cleanin' up cat puke mid-post!! *lol*

    And Lynsey, I agree with lace about the huggin' thing. Sounds perfectly normal to me.
  8. olhippie54

    olhippie54 Touch Of Grey Lifetime Supporter

    I agree, tell him how you feel. You might find it easier to forgive than to forget. But, whatever you do don't dwell on the past. You can't change what has already happened. Staying in the past or worrying about the future robs you of today. Take it one day at a time.
  9. BigBong

    BigBong Member

    I pretty much agree with everything stated above.. If you feel that you still have animosity towards your father, you should certianly address the problem.. I have never been in a similar situation.. so, i dont exacly have much advice =P

    However, from what you stated.. It seems like your dad is truely making a geniune effort to resolve your relationship.. and i wish you the best of luck!! =D

    btw, i am think some of my words are spelt incorrectly! Please Forgive! =P I dont exactly feel like looking up a few words in the dictionary when I am completely shit canned...
  10. Althea

    Althea Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    *Lmao* No prob about the spelling but ya got yer metaphors mixed. Yer not shit-canned, yer shit-faced! ;)
  11. lynsey

    lynsey Banned

    Obviously you haven't noticed my poor spelling :) I am a true dyslexic. My mom tried everything when i was little to teach me how to spell..but no lick. I will be the last to claim the title of spelling bee queen. ANyway I apreciate the advice. Please keep it coming I am completley confused. This is like 10 times more frustrating than having a new boyfriend. Is that a healthy comparasion? No it is not, see I am fucked. I have no idea how to act.
  12. Samhain

    Samhain Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

    ive never been in your situation ethier, but from what you have said your reactions sound not only normal but very healthy. i agree with being honest with him, thats the best advice yet.
    there is one other exercise you could do, you could write him a letter with all the anger and pain you have felt in your life, pour it into the paper, don't send it! destroy or burn it, but it may act as a bit of a catharsis for all the emotions youve been feeling.
    after this your dad may need to hear some 'home truths' from you and if he's a truely decent person he should listen, theres a chance he may be expecting something from you anyhow.
    when you do speak to him try and really listen to his explantions even if they're painful, you'll know if they heart felt or a load of bull!
    finally i think your very brave there are loads of others that wouldn't have faced this situation at all, go for it!

  13. The_Mad_Buster

    The_Mad_Buster Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    I didnt read the other posts as I dont give a fuck what most think, but id say you need to get past the bad feelings, even if you need lf to get toasted to do so, say what needs to be said and deal with it and move on.

    So many live in the bad of the past which stands in the way of the glad you have him now and be happy as he wont be alive forever.
  14. lynsey

    lynsey Banned

    thanks guys I appreciate it!
  15. warthog

    warthog Member

    hard to tell him how she feels !!!!!SHE DOSENT EVEN KNOW HIM...can you guys tell someone how you fell when you dont know them ..its hard!!!talkin to a stranger thats your Dad//EEEEE errr... i mean ,the guy that knocked your mom up//
  16. themnax

    themnax Senior Member

    i don't see how genetic inhieritance enters into it byond the social custom of expecting it to. i mean if i were ever to meet any of my fathers relatives, none of whome i ever to the best of my knowledge have, it would be like ok cool, i've always been curious, but beyond that i don't see how it has to be any all that big of a deal.

    i guess if i seem insensative it's maybe a situation i'm not familiar with as far as an actual parent is concerned. both of mine stayed togather as long as they were both alive. as i probably will with my wife, though i really kindof wish i didn't ever have to live with anybody.
    to the best of my knowledge i've never fathered any children. there's at most one rather remote possibility that i might have. and that was so long ago he or she would be an adult out on their own by now.
    if i did i certainly wouldn't expect them to have any particular love for me. i just hope it wouldn't be any particular hatred as i really have no idea if such a person might ever even have been born. and the likelyhood of this is extremely unlikely, just not impossible.

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