Need advice on my wlw breakup, what role could have played internalized homophobia ?

Hi everyone, I'm making this post to get external opinions on my past relationship, a wlw one, my first one, and my ex-partner’s first too.

I (19) was in a relationship for 9 months with my girl bestfriend (also 19), we'd been friends for a really long time before that.

You have to know that her parents are quite homophobic, for them, there's no such thing as same sex love, so that didn't help her not to doubt, and she hasn't even really accepted this part of herself yet, she's got this internal homophobia thing going on. On top of that, her parents are not loving people at all, and that has a lot of consequences on how she sees love, receives it and gives it back, even if I don’t know to which extent for sure.

So for 7 months all was great, almost no problems, no major doubts, but it's just the beginning, it's new, it's normal. We’d say I love you often and showed each other lots of affection, in short, a dream.

During holidays, after we'd spent a vacation together (it was really cool), at the beginning of September she went on a trip for 2 weeks with her parents, and that's when things started to change. I didn't notice it until well after the break-up, but during this period she started to be slightly less affectionate. We saw each other when she got back and it was as if there was a small "distance" between us, even though we ended up "breaking it" and having a great afternoon, exactly as before. It was like we needed a warmup you know, I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now I feel it was a small sign.
I suspect spending all this time with her parents kind of disturbed her mind and triggered a vicious cycle of internalized homophobia, she kinda told me that.

She was a bit different, though it was subtle, until one day she became hyper-cold, distant and hardly ever sent me messages anymore, I was feeling like I was bothering her. The only things she'd send me were jealousy demonstrations because such and such a chick was crushing on me or something, whereas I didn't care and I'd tell her and reassure her. She'd make lots of jokes about girls, saying it was all in fun, but I could tell it wasn't, so I'd try my best to reassure her anyway. It was like, she only talked to me to reproach me for things I hadn't done.

This period lasted like a week and a half, we never really knew how to explain that disconnection, not even herself, though she suspected it was maybe stress, school or internalized homophobia. It was surely a combination of variant things, she told me during the almost break up she at the time wasn’t feeling really good in general, thus she wasn’t feeling good in the relationship. That would make sense.

And one day, she freaks out because I didn't inform her that a chick (whom she suspects of having a crush on me, without any real tangible proof, girl that I saw in total 2 times in my life, girl who was talking to a boy at the time) sat next to me in class. I didn't even think to mention it, as it wasn't important to me. But god, I should have.

She goes on to say that she wants to break up, that it's not working out between us, that being in a couple stresses her out over time, that she can't see herself in the future and that it's unfair to me, who has a more involved and different vision. That her mental state is not right and that the relationship is calling into question her self-confidence when it should be having the opposite effect. That if she wasn't in the relationship, she shoudn't have to compare herself to "all the girls who want me". That a relationship should make you evolve, but she didn't feel she'd evolved in 7 months, that it affected her badly mentally. And that I deserved better too, blah, blah, blah that I had lots of possibilities and also that she wanted to send me messages all the time but like she had a blockage, she felt obliged to answer because of the couple status.

She'd never talked about any of this stuff before, it just happened all of a sudden. I can see a build up had kinda been happening, like everyday she would bury herself in this spiral of negative emotions, until she couldn’t take it anymore and saw the only escape, run and break up. I had been right to think her jealousy jokes weren’t just jokes, even when she would tell me the opposite. I, ridiculously, begged for her not to break up, made tons of love declarations. It's ironic, how I was the one convincing her that she was "good enough", that she could work on herself while being with me, that we could make it work. I mean, the jealousy thing, even if I could have handled it better, was an internal thing of her, I would reassure her, tell her I only love her, but she wouldn't believe me when I did. She blamed the relation for those negative emotions, when I think she didn't realise those were hers, and the relationship, indeed, mirrored her own fears and insecurities. I also think she had this view of a relation that it makes everything better, you know, it should improve your self confidence, it should make you grow, it shouldn't require that much effort, it should improve your mental health or idk. I also feel she didn’t believe in « change », I mean change as if when you notice a toxic pattern you have, and try to understand it and find ways to respond better to it. When you can absolutely grow, both individually and together, the changes come from within, it's not the role of your partner to take charge of your traumas, even if it's their role to support you while YOU do. But looking back, I can also understand the will to end it, since she was clearly overwhelmed by such bad feelings, I just think she wasn’t seeing the real cause of her distress. All my friends were telling me that it was toxic of her, I was the only one defending her.

Looking back, I don't know how I managed to dodge this, but the next day she'd changed her mind and almost didn't want to break up anymore. I was surprised to say the least. We saw each other irl to talk, she was, apathetic, and I have the impression she reconnected when she realized she'd lose me for real. She recognized that the jealousy thing was her problem, due to low self esteem, but said that she couldn’t work on herself if it was always triggered, synonym for she could only do it when being single. I suggested therapy maybe, but she stated since she knows what the problems are, and where they are from, that she didn’t need it. I dropped it. It’s paradoxical, how she would say « I feel like I’m a bad partner », (i would try to convince her it wasnt true) but in the same time saying « yeah ofc if we break up I’ll be the bad one, the toxic one ».

Anyway, we didn't break up, she said she'd make an effort on the jealousy and that was that. (She didn’t really, she continued the jokes, even if I had told her it was kinda hurting me, but I will give her that their frequency drastically decreased). I, in return, started to think I was the problem, and would be recounting all my interactions with anyone so that she wouldn’t worry. She said she didn't doubt me, but rather the circumstances, that the more time she spent with her parents the more she doubted and questioned everything. Just as for them homosexuality didn't exist, she felt the same way, and plus told herself that in the end, not so much had changed between us when we got together, which reinforced the idea that the two of us weren't really real. She's already an anxious person who questions everything, so that didn't help lol. She's the kind of person who looks for rational reasons to love someone, who looks for outright proof that things aren't right. She even asked, « don't you think your life would be cooler if we broke up? You'd have one less mental burden, and you'd be able to get other people's attention. Besides, we already talked so much as mates, it wouldn't make much difference (apart from the physical stuff) if we became friends again. » I should have worried about that too, this ease she seemed to have in switching to be friends again.

But in the end she made the decision to stay, and I figured she still loved me and cared about me.

However, after that phase, she just wasn't really the same, things weren't the same. I felt a general drop in enthusiasm, she reacted differently to things, she never said I love you anymore, minus a few exceptions, but it felt kinda forced. She didn't want me to send her any more photos, she didn't like my presents when before she would love them. I don't know how to explain it, sometimes it seemed like it was the same as before, she'd suggest we hang out, she'd flirt a bit or say something cute, but at the same time I always had this feeling that it was different. It was kind of breadcrumbing. The disconnection phase already had fucked me up and made me doubt her love for me a lot, so this definitely didn’t help. But I told myself it was worth it, she was worth it, we were worth it.

What's more, we went to parties together, and it was as if she hated me during the all thing, responding coldly, but as soon as the 2 of us got alone time together, she was hyper-affectionate and came to me to give me hugs and all that, like nothing had changed. She even insisted that I go on a ski trip with her, because it would be like living together, and I quote.

In short, I was constantly wondering if she loved me, sometimes things made me think she did, others that she didn't. It was quite tiring, but I was always there making efforts, loving her as I always had, but it never seemed to be enough, to be good. She would reject all my affection, but would also ask me to do more, kinda weird.

Twice I asked her how she felt about the relationship, worrying, and she said either I don't know or ah I'll have to think about it, and the question was never answered.

Then some time before the real breakup, she becomes distant again, sending me few messages. And within a week, just like that, she tells me she wants to break up. This time, however, it was definitive. She felt the same as before, not evolved, stressed about the status, that it didn't suit her, that we weren't a good match, that we made efforts and tried but that there shouldn't be so much to do. I said that in itself it was logical for her to feel like she did 2 months before, since nothing had really been done to improve things, and she replied that it was "proof". I mean, I'd recount almost every interaction I had with anyone so she wouldn't worry, but beyond that I don't know what I could have done, if in the end she herself couldn't point out what had caused her to disconnect and feel all those bad emotions previously. She didn't see a future with me. I thought the reasons were a bit vague. She absolutely wanted to stay friends, said I was her favorite person, that she loved me very much, I said it would take time for my feelings to leave, she said hers would too.

Then a week later, I asked more questions about the breakup, and she told me that her feelings had changed, that she was attached to me but wasn't sure if it was 100% romantic, that she loved me but not in that way, well she doesn't know, that if she had doubts then she wasn't in love. In short, that she had loved me but not anymore. She felt guilty for not feeling the same things, she wasn't forcing herself into the relationship but she felt bad for not being the way she should be. Why had she told me that her feelings would take time to leave, if they were already gone? Pity maybe

I was devastated to hear this, I don't understand the chronology of our relationship. 2 weeks before that we were celebrating our 9-month anniversary and she seemed happy, 3 weeks before that we were celebrating my birthday, she came to my place and it was like it was before, I felt no distance, no uneasiness, no discomfort. But hey, I could be wrong, I guess that wasn't a sign of her love for me, just the ghost of feelings already gone. I wasn’t in her head, I don’t know what was happening.

She never mentioned to me that her feelings might have changed, that’s something that upsets me, since she confessed that it had kinda been the case for the last 2 months (you guessed it, the 2 months after the almost breakup). She said with time she realized she had more feelings other than romantic (friendly i guess) and that it was then unfair to me, since I had them (romantic ) more. At least she was honest.

I'm aware that many things made the relationship complicated, it was maybe even doomed from the beginning, but what’s a life without risks. I would have stayed to the end for her, accepted her and supported her no matter what. I know things were complicated for her especially, a lot less than they were for me. I have the chance to have supportive parents that always have been loving, I accepted my queerness a bunch of time ago, even did therapy of my own for bad self esteem and to accept my homosexuality. I know my life will be with a woman, while she just discovered the possibility of her being queer, it must have been a lot for her to process, and it still is of course. I know even if I tried I couldn’t put myself in her shoes, that’d be hypocritical. I of course know I have my own problems and flaws, I’m so not perfect either, I did mistakes, but I had the willingness to be better and to change if I had to.

I learned a lot from this relationship, while I feel she embraced the « im not the one » speech, that doesn’t really make you question your own behavior, since you just think « nah yeah just not the person for me », idk I feel like it stops you from personal growth.

Do you think it's as simple as that, that she's lost feelings? Do you think it's much more complex, knowing all the factors that made it difficult, her parents, her internal homophobia, her self-esteem, her attachment style kinda avoidant maybe ? Everybody told me different things, I know I'll never know for sure, and in the end it doesn't really matter, what's done is done. I just have this feeling in me, that « hope », that it can't be resumed at "her feelings just changed", given the complexity of her own person. Some say the honeymoon phase ended and she didn't choose to continue bc of multiple fears (i suspect she had a fear of commitment to some degree, given the « the long term stresses me out » speech) some say she buried her feelings so deep bc of shame and homophobia, some say she had too much internal turmoil, some say she was an avoidant or fearful avoidant or smth like that (that could be with the deactivation phases, the overwhelming feelings of intimacy and feeling smothered), some say feelings just get lost sometimes.

It hurts so much to lose not only my first love, but my favorite person and best friend. It’s been 3 months and I’m not even close to be cool about it, I feel like I’ll love her forever, I write down my feelings everyday, I literally started a book on wattpad about her, I still have this persistent hope that she will realise she still loves me one day, how naive and pathetic I am. I feel like a fool, having so much love left for her, when she doesn't have for me.

To anyone who read all this, thank you so so much, I wish you all the best

 

Oh wow! Pardon me for interrupting, but as an old person, not just a guy, you both need to take time to grow up. 19 is far too early to make decisions about the rest of your lives.

Walk away for a while. Explore other women. She obviously is not ready to make the jump. Once you break the chain, she will rush back to you.

The question will be, is she the best person for you. When she returns, all her issues will still be there, and it will start again. Welcome to life. It aint easy.

 

Well, a few things that have crossed my mind, however, I am guy and wouldn't wish to offend by sticking my nose in.

I'll respond if you'd like but, otherwise, I'll remain quiet.