need a womans advice

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by jonboy85, Jun 9, 2013.

  1. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    I could really use some help putting my my relationship into perspective. me and my ex dated for about a year and I could tell you we both loved eachother.*she had been planning a trip overseas before I met her which i was supportive of.
    whenthe day came for her to leave she cried in my arms telling me she couldnt wait to come back home to me.while she was away she told me she could spend the rest of her life with me and expressed interest in marriage someday.*however, three weeks into her vaccation my gut feeling changed and I felt like I was losing her. I communicated this to her and she assured me I wouldn't lose her and that she was coming back to me. about three days later she messaged me and told me she was confused about what she wanted. she said she wanted her freedom on her trip and that while nothing happened with anyone else, the thought of sex with others sometimes crept Into her mind. she said her experiences on her trip had made her question her whole life and her committment to me. but she also said she still loved me and was scared to lose me and feared she was making a mistake.
    the messed up part is i had to break up with her. she couldnt come to a decision so i had to make it for her and she became really upset afterwards. she said she could see herself with me in the long run but wanted to be single and figure things out first. the sad part is I know she was happy with me when she was home. we never had these problems when we were together. she's also making it hard to move on by messaging me every few days. I get the feeling she doesn't want me to get over her.
    I know this is a long post but I'm heartbroken and its all I can think about. my question is do these things ever work out? she comes home in three months and said she wants to see me when she gets home. . we had amazing sexual chemisty and Im worried i might be making a big mistake going back to her because the sex would be so tempting. I know the logical things is to move on but I was just curious if anyone went through anything like this where the relationship was*
  2. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    rescued or salvaged......sorry it wouldn't let me fit my whole post

    GLENGLEN Lifetime Supporter

    And We Are All Eternally Gratefull For That...[​IMG]

    Cheers Glen.
  4. sweet79

    sweet79 Banned

    I went back to an ex as our sexual chemistry was amazing!!
    I had to end it though as we just weren't meant for each other. I won't go back again. I think the excitement of thinking about going back to an ex is better than actually doing it. I've moved on now. The key for me was to explain that I needed to move on to him and then once I'd done that I stopped replying to his messages. He stopped sending them eventually.
    Not sure if this helped....good luck
  5. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

    My boyfriend went to Spain for 5 months on a student exchange. At the time I was 20, he was 26 and we've been going out for 7 months.
    He applied and was accepted in the exchange programme before we started dating, though.

    I was a little insecure about what was going to happen to our relationship, but only because I didn't want it to end and hoped he felt the same. I've never thought of ending it or cheating on him with someone else. I've seen too much potential in our relationship to compromise it and thought no other guy could compare to him anyway.

    This happened 6 years ago and we're still together. But now he's rather my partner than a bf and we've been living together for almost 3 years.

    My point is, that when you find someone you're really compatible with and see them as a potential life partner, being away for two months doesn't matter very much.

    It's hard now, but she obviously isn't the one for you.
  6. You need a womens advice? There arent any here, they are all little girls ;)
  7. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    thanks this helps put things into perspective a bit. but she's 21 and I'm 27. I haven't had much experience in relationships so my heart and my brain are totally battling over this. in my heart i still feel she's the one for me. I can forgive her if this can be chaulked up to immaturity. I just know she's so in the moment that when she returns she's going to regret it and i won't be over her by then.
  8. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

    It's a learning experience for both of you.

    She's insecure about what she wants. Age has something to do with this in the sense, that with experience we learn what is right for us and what is not. Something obviously doesn't feel completely right to her about your relationship, or she wouldn't be insecure. It's nothing you can change and it's not something she'll outgrow. Probably she's not even exactly sure what it is, that's why it's all so confusing to her. She will be sure, though, when she meets someone who has what she's missing.

    Relationships are always about two people and when one is unhappy or insecure they don't last long-term.

    I think she feels affection towards you and likes you as a person. Just not as her partner. That means she didn't intend to hurt you and probably feels guilty about it.

    The more you think about her and all of this the harder it will be to let her go. So forgive her and move on. She's not the only girl out there.
    You'll be fine :)
  9. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    thank you for the advice. its all just confusing because she said she didn't feel like this when she was at home with me but maybe now that she's had time away from me she realizes this. thank you
  10. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

    You're welcome.
  11. Alternative_Thinker

    Alternative_Thinker Darth Mysterious

    I've been in a situation where my partner and I had to put our relationship "on hold" due to reasons we had no control over. In the end, we DID break up because we weren't meant to be. But I DO believe we would have stayed together a little longer had we not gotten ourselves(or rather myself since it was mostly about my situation) into the situation we had. In a way, I perceive this as a "forced breakup" of sorts, but the reality of it is that it was actually meant to happen.

    I suppose by making a decision for her when you were breaking up with her, you simply took a shortcut to the end of your relationship. It's hard to say whether or not that was the right thing to do for you. Rather, I suppose it was just meant to happen. Having said that, making decisions for someone else isn't something you should do because you're not them. I think she's confused at the moment, and that makes a part of me think that maybe it was too early for you to break up. It's tough to say.

    I think the only thing you can do right now is to go with the flow, and above all else respect her feelings. She's already expressed that she's curious about having sex with others, and there's nothing you can do about that. She's experienced a little bit of life, and she started wondering about all kind of potentials. Which, essentially, is a good thing. As much as I want to admit a part of me wants to think you two broke up prematurely, in the end I think this breakup was meant to happen.

    If you two are meant to be together then you'll get back together at some point. If not, then you'll both meet someone right for you respectively. Such is life. All the best. :)
  12. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    this seems to be what she wants. I've poured my heart out to her after the breakup. she knows how I feel about her but still feels the way she feels which I get. thanks for the advice. I really can't see myself with anyone else. I just can't tell if all this hope she's giving me for the future is out of guilt, pitty, or if it's genuine. she's not doing me any favours by messaging me and stringing me along. I think she's young and very in the moment. when she was at home with me she was so optimistic that we would make it through this. but now that she's over seas life is fast and exciting and I'm just a benchwarmer I guess. time will tell. thank you for your advice.
  13. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

    It's probably a mixture of all of it.

    You can always stop contact with her for a while and tell her you'll be the one to contact her, when you are ready to be just friends.
  14. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    yeah good call on that one. she just messages me and tries to guilt me. she's trying to keep her options open and my heart is my biggest weakness. I just can't help myself. last time I talked to her I told her everything she wanted to hear. admittedly I'm a sucker. maybe I shoukd just block her
  15. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

    I'm gonna be frank.

    You're relationship with this girl is toxic both to you and her.

    How do I know? What gives me authority to say this?

    My answer: Because your setting the ideal of a relationship (What a relationship is supposed to be) on a pedestal that was created by Disney.

    Set her free, set yourself free, and just date other people or not and just focus on your education, hobbies, career or what have you.

    Just stop clinging to each other, it's not healthy, married couples don't even do that.

    Successful relationships, the long term ones, work when both partners like each other, the sex is good, and know when to give each other their own space and sense of individuality within the relationship. That sense of individuality includes things like the career and educational goals of each individual respectively.

    It sounds like your girl needs/wants this worldly travel experience for self-development, and you need to explain to her that she is committing no sin in this trip. You two aren't married, she should be free to play around with who she wants now, and if at the end of her trip comes back and wants to settle with you (if you're available) that's her choice.

    This is a fair deal because: You risk her finding someone else permanently

    She risks: You finding someone else while she's not with you.


    If you love someone, you'd let them go and explore their freedom and make the choice to come back to you or not. Whatever happens that's left up to fate and you just hope for the best while living your life.
  16. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    I agree with eveything you said. and its not the fact that we split which bothers me. its the deception days beforehand. I just didn't appreciate being told everythings ok and the false hope leaves with with a level of uncertainty which is torture. I understand what you're saying though this relationship is tocix
  17. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

    Tell her this directly, that you feel strung along, and that she's pouring her guilt onto you as if she wants you to make the choice for her.

    Grown ups have to learn how to make these kinds of choices, and that kind of decision making is important if you are going to be with her later on or not. She asked and said she needed this trip abroad, and this question this dilemma she has in her head logically and emotionally, is PART of that process. (TELL HER THIS)
  18. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    thanks. you're right. I haven't been rude or verbally abusive towards her or anything but I've been very resitant and resentful over this, and you're right its time for me to let go because I can't change anything. I have told her what you stated in a different way but I'm tired of arguing about it with her. if I talk to her again I'm just going to try and be supportive and kind. its still hard not to feel like a sucker in all of this though. thank you
  19. sweet79

    sweet79 Banned

    You're not a sucker at all just someone who cares deeply for another person. Nothing wrong with that, just know when it's time to move on for you so you don't drain yourself.
    Have some fun yourself for a while and see what happens, you might find that it's not so hard after a little while. Moving on from someone you love is so much hard work but once your there it's such a freedom :)
  20. jonboy85

    jonboy85 Guest

    I'm sure it will reach that point. but not for the time being. its only been a week and a half and I'm still pretty raw over it. I was so compatible with her and loved her so much. when she'd voice her committment and love to me I felt like I really wouldn't have to worry about finding someone. I felt like I had already found them. I'm still at the point where I don't want to be with anyone else but her. I know that will pass but its hard to admit that person I had such big feelings for never really existed and was just an illusion in my brain. I need to grieve a bit more before I move on. I can't even think of findind anyone else because my heart still belongs to her

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