Hi all. Question for women mainly. Sorry for the long post but it's my first time and wanted to get the bigger picture. My wife and I know eachother for 17 years. We are in our 30's. During that period we had 2 kids under 7 and a very good happy life for most of the time. I have high sex drive and she doesn't. She is from a very conservative religious family and some things we are doing in bed which are really vanilla for others for her they are very naughty. I tried to speak to her about it and she says she can't explain it really. She has tried to make things better. Then she quickly forgets. The bit that gets me the most is that I feel she lost the lust in wanting me for me. She will get sexy but only after I put a sad face all day etc. She never comes home super horny and starts sex. She doesn't allow me to do oral sex on her either. She does it to me but only because I like it. Now I feel very sad because I think she doesn't love me as much even if she says she does. All this rejection makes me feel unwanted. I didn't press her too much and found some relief through masturbation whilst watching online soft porn. But it gets to the point that even that is not enough. I'm not a bad looking guy, athletic type with a few more extra kg' from this pandemic and not doing any much sports due to a injury. I do get female attention from colleagues at work and makes my senses go wild. I have never cheated my wife and nor intend to. I don't know if I can do it. I love her dearly. She is funny and carrying, the perfect woman for me in all other aspects. Can you guys or girls give me some advice if you have gone through a similar situation and how did you sort it.
Hi. Your wife's level of attraction to you has dropped below a 5/10. Your not in a masculine alpha center, where you should be. Your in a beta male center where you shouldn't be. You've gotten complacent over the years with not courting and dating your wife at the levels you did when you first met. She wants the man she fell in love with, not the needy, emotional man she has now. She might even be repulsed by your weakness not to lead the relationship in a romantic direction, which is your job, not hers.
Been there, done that, don't want the damn tee shirt. Two children under seven is a boatload of work and responsibility. Fixing breakfast. Setting out clothes to wear. Getting them to where they belong. Picking up their mess and washing. Then more washing. Lunchtime maybe maybe not, but lately with school out due to Covid the kiddies are home all day. Plus home schooling ain't easy. Then the other household chores that need to be done followed by prepping for you to come home. Well, I could go on and on but she is tired. Hell, I'm tired from writing all of that. We don't know all of the particulars on your or her daily life but I bet it's filled to where at the end she just wants to relax into a quiet space and then get some sleep. Do you give her any help? Relieve her of any duties? How about giving her the day off and letting her do whatever she wants be it going to the nail salon, getting a massage, or just lounging around the house. Make dinner for her. Flowers are nice. Have grandma, auntie, or a best friend watch the kids for a weekend and check into a hotel. Not some cheap dive but a 5 star with a suite for just the two of you. That's what I used to, and still do, even though we aren't sexually active anymore. As Pete said become the man she fell for again. It'll take some time and effort plus understanding her level of sexual adventure isn't like yours. She has emotional issues with accepting what you feel is normal sex. Licking pussy, sucking cock, probably even doing it doggie isn't her bag. Yet. She needs to learn that it's okay to be a whore for your husband and you get to be the teacher. 17 years is long enough for you to know she isn't going to change easily. It will take time and effort for her to open up sexually if she ever does. You have to find her emotional trigger and take note. There's a long road ahead and only loving her and letting her know how much you love her without bringing sex into the picture will let you ease down it with success. It's not your looks or athletic build that's going to get her hot anymore. It's what you aren't doing that's what she needs.
Hi Peter, Thanks for your reply. I'm actually the one that suggests romantic getaways and going back to how we were when we meet. I understand it takes work to get there but I'm already doing the work and see no results....
I will come back to this later. I can only think that having young children, have made your wife tired . Plus hormones play a big part. Any drop in oestrogen really does make a difference. Is she on the pill now?
Hi Barry, we are sharing the duties equally. I cook, clean, get the kids ready, etc. Bring her flowers on an odd day nut just for important ( birthday, anniversary, etc...) days. I'm pretty much in the middle of the sexual spectrum so don't think that is really weird. We both work full time and part time jobs but I still think that making love should be our time to de-stress, to become closer by sharing intimate moments. Thing is when she does want to make love, in my head feels like petty sex/ love and I don't like that at all. That makes more angry than anything...
Hi Candy, Never took an pills....she is on a fasting period just now (before Christmas no meat, and sex, etc) so I understand not to make love with her. But then after that I think she gets used to it and I have to keep reminding her.... I want her to become the naughty one...
I am sure this can easily be solved. What contraception? Is she worried about getting pregnant again?
Hi, Condom really and pulling out. I don't think that's the case really... This one time she was tipsy and was off the charts which I enjoyed I just don't know how to get her back to that...
No one here can offer you a magic solution. Only suggestions. That said, My wife and I have been married 20 years and we’ve been dating 21 years. The honeymoon hasn’t ended yet. We talk “with” each other, and never “too” each other. Do not be tempted to cheat on her. However, you have a right to have a sexual relationship with “her” without it appearing that she is just having sex to satisfy your needs. That sounds like she is giving you a mercy fuck. Who wants that?? Self esteem is a big deal with women. Hormones too! It’s time to have a knee to knee, hand in hand talk with her. Seek medical help and be supportive.
Hi Jack, Definitely don't like the mercy one. I try to talk to each other more than often if I bring the sex differences she doesn't want to discuss it further. She says she has low sex drive but won't look for help. She will never go to a doctor and ask for that kind of help. She is very frigid (think that is the word).
After reading CGB's comments throughout this tread I wonder if she's just not sexual as in asexual. There are people who just don't get anything out of sex (real hard to imagine given my affinity to all things sex). No matter how much conversation, therapy, praise, romance, anything that might stimulate their sex drive, they just aren't interested. Her response to CGB's attempts to talk about it indicates she isn't at all a sexual creature. Avoidance from discussion is her way of saying "I don't care about having sex, go ahead without me." She will go along with having sex occasionally to keep her mate happy as best she can. But sex just isn't a part of her life. Not now, not ever. Now the dilemma is what can CGB do to sate his desire for sex if his partner is unable to. This is where he may have to begin discussions about her understanding what he needs in his life. That would include his love for her but yet his love for himself and the feelings he gets from having sex as part of his life. It could be she would be perfectly fine if he got his needs met elsewhere.
Perhaps you suffer from Hypersexual Disorder, and it’s you, not your wife who’s the problem? Sexual addiction can manifest itself in a wide variety of ways and can often cause stress in a relationship to the point where a spouse no longer desires sexual contact. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it just means your excessive preoccupation with sex becomes a anaphrodisiac
Everything Pete Draggin said. Man up, shed that complacent / self-conscious personality, for a man its LAME and WEAK. Be SURE and STRONG for your woman. Shoulders back, chin up, walk with purpose. She doesn't allow oral but she will do it to you? She married you, had kids with you, she trusts you. You're closer than you think. At the appropriate time, hold her down, open her legs and take her orally. Don't old back. Yes, this is a risk and it could backfire. Or it could be the start of something awesome. What is she going to do? Divorce you for trying to pleasure her?
Hi, Tried that and she pushes me with force straight away. I'm manly enough to see there is a problem. I'm not sure if I'm manly enough to keep going like this. Thinking of visiting massage parlours....there are many things that go through my head. After I pleasure myself these thoughts seems disgusting. But when I'm in the mood I feel like I can do this or I need some relief... Even if she is tired surely a massage and then some oral on her will relax her. But she doesn't want to. Did say in a joke a few times I will visit a parlour if that is the case....she said that I'm thinking that she is not enough for me and my fantasies. Again we are not very adventurous that's for sure. I want to bring that sluttines in ger but not sure how to surface that. Couples are meant to communicate to each other and if I say to her about this she doesn't want to discuss it, or she looks away like almost saying "that's enough..." Don't think she will appreciate me on a forum asking for help either. Meantime my head is cloudy from all this.. Thanks
Hi, That could be the case. The upbringing we had is against that and has a lot of religious consequences. I think about having some help on the side but don't know if I can actually do it and not feel guilty. Her dad was cheating her mum many years ago and think this will never allow me to have some extra on the side. This could work best for me of course but I always think about the implications my actions... Maybe I'm going to ask at some point and see what she says. I know she will be hurt and a few good weeks she won't speak to me the same way. Thanks
You might be surprised. But inquire in a way that won't make her feel insecure about your relationship. Be sure and let her know how much she means to you in all aspects of your relationship not just sex. But that you also need to have that sexual release. Having sex releases a lot of good hormones in men. That's why we like it so much. Her dad cheating her mom could be a positive if they are still together. You could use that as an example. Except if they are not together because of the cheating then that may backfire. By talking with your wife about it there wouldn't be any cheating going on. She would know you are seeking to have sex either with her or someone else.
