My short story (kinda long lol:P)

Discussion in 'Writers Forum' started by Sunburst, May 23, 2004.

  1. Sunburst

    Sunburst Fairy

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    This is my story. I'm about 1/4 or 1/5 done, so please read and give me some critisism:)I'm editing it this week and suggestions would be helpful!!
    Oh, by the way, it involves two lesbians and their lives/relationship, so if you're a homophobe asshole:por are uncomfortable with same-sex relationships, don't bother reading this...Oh, and one more thing, some parts are a little un-detailed (like I'll skip an entire afternoon), so yeah...Aaaanywho, have fun!

    “Why can’t you just let everyone know? It would make this so much easier on both of us!"

    "Well maybe it’s not everyone’s business! Maybe I don’t want the world knowing every little detail about my life!"

    "It shouldn’t matter what anyone thinks! Let them think what they want, only you and me matter! What’s so hard about saying the truth?"

    "Well I do care what people think! They don’t need to know who I love!"

    "Are you ashamed, Jaime?" Rebecca stood on the grass, each blade tickling her bare feet, and waited for what seemed like an eternity for an answer.

    Jaime paused momentarily, then tried desperately to change the subject. "Why the hell do you have to act like you’re so perfect, anyway? I mean, you don’t like a lot of things, I don’t force them on you! My God, you put so much pressure on me! Why can’t you fu*king let me have just a tiny shred of privacy? Unlike you, I don’t enjoy getting a whole bunch of attention for being a fu*king LESBIAN!" Jaime shouted.

    Rebecca stepped back in shock, her mouth open. She felt as though she’ de been slapped. She looked at Jaime, hurt, tears filling her eyes.

    "Listen, Becka, I’m sorry, it’s just-"

    Rebecca didn’t want to hear it. She turned around and began to walk away. Jaime had never yelled at her. Not like this, anyway. She was always so patient and kind. Rebecca’s pace quickened and she started to run through the park.

    She ran until she was on her doorstep. Rebecca opened the door and flew up to her room, where she flung herself onto her bed and began crying into her pillow. She understood that Jaime liked her privacy, but it shouldn’t matter what people think of you. As long as you’re happy, everything’s good, right?

    Meanwhile, Jaime lay on her bed at home, propped up against a pillow, thinking. She felt so horrible about yelling at Rebecca, and even worse for not chasing after her when she ran away. She picked up the phone and dialed Rebecca’s number, but after four rings, the answering machine picked up. She sighed and put the phone down, then went to the kitchen to sob over a bowl of ice cream with sprinkles and drowned in chocolate sauce.

    The next day, at school, Rebecca way on her way to her locker to get her chemistry textbook before her next class, and Michael, the weird guy who continuously and endlessly tried to convince her that she was straight, came up to her. "Hey Jaime. Listen, whoever that girl you were dating was, she wasn’t good enough for you. She didn’t deserve you. What you need is a man." He said, slyly.

    "What I need, dear friend," she snapped impatiently, "is for you to screw off and go to hell. I'm not in the mood for your crap, okay?"

    "Ooh, pissy mood we’re in, aren’t we? Time of the month I’m guessing?"

    Rebecca threw him an icey glare and pushed him into the wall. Once at her locker, she noticed it was unlocked. She opened it and saw a red rose with a tiny note saying simply "I’m sorry." Aww, how sweet, she thought. But she caught herself. She wouldn’t fall for it.

    She crumpled up the note and threw the rose in the garbage, then quickly grabbed her textbook and continued on her way to class.

    Mr. Fraser was in the middle of explaining the word equation for Barium Sulphate, when the principle’s voice came on the intercom. "All grade eleven classes to the auditorium for assembly. Grade eleven homeroom teachers please bring your classes down." The class scurried out the door, happy to avoid another long class of writing notes.

    *This part of the story is temporarily unavailable due to serious editing. Basically, they make up, but I gotta figure out a way for them to do it at assembly :p*

    The rest of the week crawled by so slowly, Rebecca felt like ripping her hair out. But Friday finally hit, and it was going to rock. The school dance was at ten that night. Jaime drove by Rebecca's at around nine thirty, and smiled when Becka stepped out onto her porch. She was wearing baggy black jeans and a very low-cut red tank top, with some black platform sandals and a jean jacket. Becka smiled in return as she climbed into the car and closed the door.

    About ten minutes later, the girls walked into the gymnasium, looking around at all the lights and decorations that shook from the vibrations of the music. Immediately, they walked over to a group of friends and started. Cassie smiled happily.

    "I'm so happy for you two! How long have you been dating?" she asked curiously, practically having to scream over the music.

    "One year and 9 months in three weeks!" Replied Becka proudly. Jaime nodded and slipped her arm around her girlfriend's waist. They danced as a group for a while longer. Then "True", and old 70’s classic, came on the speakers, and Rebecca took Jaime's hand.

    "I love this song!" she exclaimed. Rebecca put her arms around Jaime's hips and rested her head on Jaime's shoulder, leaning into her.

    "Thank you." Rebecca whispered into her ear.

    "For what?"

    "For what you did in assembly. That was really brave of you." *A comment about the part of the story I didn't finish editing, by the way*

    Becka smiled as Jaime moved her hands onto her girlfriend's hips. She felt so safe in Jaime's arms. Like nothing could ever go wrong. With their bodies pressed so gently together, she wanted the song to never end.

  2. Sunburst

    Sunburst Fairy

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    After the dance, the girls went back to Jaime's house. Her parents were out of town, as always, so they could relax. They watched "House on Haunted Hill", and Rebecca had her head on Jaime's shoulder the entire time so she could bury her eyes during the scary parts. About half-way through the movie, she lifted her head and kissed Jaime. Jaime was surprised, but sunk into Becka's soft lips. Becka put her hand on Jaime's back and gently lay her down. The two kissed passionately, and before she even noticed it, Becka's sweater was on the floor. Her soft breasts pressed against Jaime's, and she could feel herself growing more excited. Jaime ran her hand softly up her body, until she reached her chest. She removed Becka's tank top, showing a small lilac bra. Her hand carressed Becka's skin with a feather-soft touch, as she moved to her back and unhooked her bra with skill. The bra dropped off the couch, exposing two small and perfect breasts. The rest of this story can be made up in your head, as want to keep the sexual level as low as I can(you know, wanna keep everything somewhat appropriate).

    The next morning, Rebecca woke up in Jaime's arms. The sun shone in across them. The birds sang a chorus outside, but Becka could hear another sound. A familiar sound. Voices! Oh God, Jaime's parents came back from their trip! She scrambled off the couch, and, realizing she was standing in their living room in only a lace thong, threw on her tank top and dove behind the couch, just in time. Jaime's mom and dad walked in to the room, simply to say "Honey, sorry we can't stay longer, but we both have another convention, this time in Toronto. Jaime, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your clothes on the floor? If you're going to sleep in the living room, you could at least have the decency to wear pajamas or throw your clothes into the laundry room. Ugh, honestly, we HAVE to hire a housecleaner this week..." She stated. Rebecca had to stifle a giggle until she heard the car pull away. She jumped up from behind the couch. "Hey cutie!" She laughed as Jaime jumped.

    "Mornin yourself, sunshine!" Jaime smiled. She stretched. "You have fun last night?"

    Rebecca grinned and put on her pants. "Well, I should get goin. Don't forget about the party tonight at Charla's. Nine o'clock, and it's the bluey-gray house on 71st Street."

    "Yeah, yeah. I know." The two hugged (well come on, would you really want to kiss someone who just woke up?) and said their goodbyes, before heading off their seperate ways.

    *Charla's Party Should Be Here But I Don't Wanna Write This Part Yet. See? Lazy! I really am, I gotta find more time...*

    Monday came fast. Rebecca woke up to a lovely ear-piercing hum of her alarm clock, which just happened to be on full volume. Rebecca woke up instantly, screamed, and reached over to her nightstand to turn it off. Of course, in the morning, sight is a little weak, and she missed and fell off her bed. She threw the alarm clock to the floor and walked to her closet. In a hurry, she got dressed and ran downstairs to grab a quick breakfast and then had to book it to the school bus. The day went by very fast, and before she knew it, school was done for the day.

    The girls had plans to go to the river and have a picnic after school, so Jaime appeared on Rebecca's doorstep at about 4:00PM with a fresh sprig of lilacs. Becka "aww!"ed and put it in a glass of water before she grabbed he bike. "All righty then, let's get going. The weather guy called for rain in two hours or so."

    "Yeah, I mean the weather people can really tell the weather from a balloon." Replied Jaime sarcastically. Then they were on their way.
  3. Sunburst

    Sunburst Fairy

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    June 3rd, 6:08PM- They had their picnic on the grass right next to the river. Suddenly, Becka stood up. "What's wrong, Becky?" Rebecca looked around, grinned evilly, and cannon-balled into the water. "What the hell are you doing?" Jaime laughed. Rebecca quickly stripped and threw her clothes onto the grass. She looked up at Jaime with a pleading look. "No way. Uh-uh. You're insane." Jaime grinned. Without warning, Rebecca took Jaime's hand and pulled her into the water. "Ah! Cold! Cold! What the hell is wrong with you? These are new clothes, you know!" "And they look good" Becka said. "But they'd look better over there on the grass." Jaime laughed and gave in, peeling off her clothes and splashing Rebecca. The two swam for about an hour, splashing and having fun. But the fun soon subsided.

    "Oh my God!!!" Rebecca heard a familiar voice. She scanned the shore, and sure enough, saw a very shocked, very angry Mrs. Jacobson. Crap, she thought.

    June 3rd, 10:49PM - "Mom, for God's sakes! It's not that bad! It was just harmless fun!" Rebecca shouted.

    "Harmless? Some old man could have raped you down there! The current could have taken you downstream! The weather-"

    "I know mom! I mean, a hurricane could have come and swept me into the Amazon River! A fish could have eaten me alive! Thank God you came when you did!" Rebecca replied very sarcastically.

    "Don't you DARE be a smartass with me young lady! You’re in enough trouble already"

    "Would you rather me be a dumb ass?" Becka stopped herself. The first thing you do when you find yourself in a hole is stop digging. In this case, Rebecca was using a very large shovel. She turned to walk away. Mrs. Jacobson slammed her hand down on the kitchen table. "DON'T…you walk away from me when I'm talking to you! Get your ass in that chair! NOW! You are, from here on, forbidden to see that girl ever again. Effective immediately.” Rebecca took a step back, shocked.

    "Mom, don't say those things. You're too mad. Take it ba-"

    "End." She emphasized, "Of discussion. End of relationship." Becka threw the mango on the table and ran out, into the rain. The weatherman was right, for once. She took off down the street to Jaime's house. The place she could feel safe, where no one would control her.

    June 3rd, 11:16PM - Ding-dong. Rebecca rang Jaime's doorbell. She looked down at her bare feet, black with mud and rain. She felt her rain-soaked, dripping hair. Well, she thought, can't exactly go inside like this. Nathan answered the door. "Yeah, uh, Jaime's not here." Beck walked down the porch steps. Wait. She should have been home two hours ago. A chill ran down her spine at that moment. Something wasn't right. She raced to the river.

    June 3rd, 11:30PM- She finally arrived at the hill leading down to the river, each second feeling like an hour. Everything was slow motion, her legs feeling like lead, she couldn't force her body to move faster. Almost there. Just another few feet-Aah!" She slipped in the mud. Becka stood up, covered completely in the wet dirt, and kept running. She had to find Jaime. "Jaime!" she called. No answer. Her eyes scanned the area, but it was difficult to see through the blackness of the rain and sky. Suddenly, her eyes crossed something. Jaime's bike, on it's side on the ground. With no Jaime. Rebecca's heart began to beat out of control. Her lungs felt as though they were about to burst. Her surroundings began to spin. But the will to find her girlfriend overtook the dizziness, and she continued searching the area. She ran up to the bike lying at the bottom of the hill, and saw the thing she couldn't see before. "Oh dear God!!" she gasped.

    She saw the most horrifying thing she had ever seen. Jaime was sprawled out on the grass, her eyes closed, her body and hair completely soaked with rain. Water dripped from her face. And something else that was darker. Blood. "Jaime, oh my God, Jaime!" Becka sobbed. Becka instantly ran to her side, looking closer. The blood dripped from Jaime's mouth. She pushed her fingers against Jaime's throat. A pulse, thank God. But what do I do? I can leave her here, but she could stop breathing while I'm gone. I could try to carry her up the hill. But she could have a neck injury. The rain beat her face mercilessly. Both options were potentially dangerous, not leaving much room for safety. She decided on choice A. She knew each second counted, so she ran up the hill to the highway. Cars drove by, none stopping for the drenched girl on the side of the rode desperately waving her arms.

    "You lazy son of a bitch." She said under her breath. "When you see a girl waving her arms frantically in the rain, you stop." She began to think no one would help. Becka started back down the hill, but driven by the will to save her girlfriend, she ran into the street, right in front of an oncoming car. It screeched to a stop, stopping just inches away from Rebecca. She ran to the driver's side window as the driver lowered it. With a sudden burst of strength and frustration, she shouted at him. "Listen, my fu*king girlfriend is lying, unconscious at the bottom of that hill! Now get your ass, out of that car, and get down there and help her!!" She was shocked at her own aggression. The man bolted out of the car as she led him to Jaime's body. The wind was getting more violent, helping the hail to pelt her face like bullets. Rebecca watched as the man called 911 on his cellphone and cover Jaime with his coat. Becka sat down, holding Jaime's head in her lap. It felt like hours before the ambulance came. She glanced at her watch. Okay, it wasn't two hours, it was 10 minutes, but pain magnifies everything. She watched as the girl she loved was strapped into the stretcher and lifted into an ambulance. Rebecca's eyes burned with tears as the paramedics got into the vehicle and drove away.

  4. sentient

    sentient Senior Member

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    Did you know a guy called "Skyshouter Bill"? I thought you had recorded one of his conversations and written it here ! Skyshouter was a Cider drinker and for some unknown reason cider alchies always start raising their fists angrily to the sky and shout things like "aaaaargh ya bastud ya gonnan dun it this time - aggghhh ! its a life innit" then they look around and start ranting at the invisible person who is now apparently standing next to them"
    "Stay away from me I dont wanna know worra bastud Why can’t you just let everyone know? It would make this so much easier on both of us! Well maybe it’s not everyone’s business! Maybe I don’t want the world knowing every little detail about my life! It shouldn’t matter what anyone thinks! Let them think what they want, only you and me matter! What’s so hard about saying the truth? gowarn widja - go go go !!!!!! goooooooooo !

    yep its straight from skyshouter bills mouth

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