my mother owns me.

Me and my mother did not get along so well eather. She was a neat freak (she mops her driveway) and very conservative. Just give it time. Now that I am older, I have the tattoo I wanted and even had some fun with piercings. We get a long better now depsite all that that.

Besides that, I am a completely different person now than I was at 14, so lots of the stuff I liked and thought was cool then are like at the bottom of my lame list now. Of course, everyone tried to explain to me why I should just pick my battles with her and patiently wait till I was 18 for my freedom, but I didn't listen. And I can understand why you wouldn't either. It isn't easy to be old enough to want freedom, but too young to have it.


Just try not to forget how you feel now, for when you have children of your own. You can learn a lot from your parents, even if it is just what not to do.

 

I agree, except if my kids ARE 18 (and one of them is) nad living in my house, they are STILL kids, and I still have the final say in a lot of stuff. Sunshine is not allowed to dye her hair in the house, mainly because she did it several times and TRASHED the bathroom and didn't bother to clean it up. She may pierce NOTHING but her ears, (and at 14 she was ONLY allowed one hole per ear) and cannot yet have a tattoo (and NO the argument "Daddy has some!" is not relevent!) and I still control when she goes out, and what time she has to be home. She got grounded last week for being disrepectful. For FOUR Days, and most of the weekend. This mama don't take no crap from bratty teenagers!

My dh and I buy the food, we pay for the water and the lights and some of her clothes, and her tuition and the mortgage and the internet and the computers and the heat and her medicines and her doctors, and take care of her when she is sick (she came home with a headache today and KNEW her mama would comfort her and drug her, and I did!) And even pciked her up at the police station once. Sunshine can decorate her room the way she wants (NO devil worship or drug paraphenalia, though, or giant pics of pot leaves, GOD My mother goes in there!) but she was only allowed her own TV after she turned 18, and it is NOT hooked up to the cable. (Her 16 and 13 year old sibs aren't too happy about that.) As for dreads, it would depend on how clean they were and if she could get and keep a job. She is blonde and light skinned, so IMO (and hers) dreads would look kind of silly.

Bear and I are the adults, we have been parents to many for a long time, we also remeber BEING teenagers, which is really helpful in saying NO!

Anyhow, that's my take on teenagers. They are like puppies, ya gotta be the alpha, or they will think they are, and that's when the trouble starts.

JMNSHO.

 

I am an adult living at home and if my mom ever thought she had the right to make me stay home because of something she dissaproved of I don't think we would be on speaking terms anytime in the near future. I couldn't imagine her grounding me in high school never mind at 18 and I am lucky in the fact that she pays my car insurance and tuition as long as I live at home. She also takes care of me when I'm sick but I take care of her when she's sick too and I help with a lot of things at home as she works full time. If I had to I am perfectly capable of supporting myself I just prefer living at home not only for the financial help but also because my mom's my best friend.

 

and also if your saying you can control your kids because you have the money you are indirectly teaching them that money=power and what the hell is that going to teach your daughters when they get married? and most likely earn less than there husbands.

 

not the " i'm the only one with an income" lecture! i'm 14. it's illegal to have a job

anyway, the door to my room will be right off the front door apparently, and my mom thinks that i will leave that door open or that she's gonna be showing it to people. showing off my room is not usually a good idea because of a few things a) the underwear strewn about the floor b) the possibly dangerous piles of crap and c) the mother offending music usually issuing from the stereo underneath one of the said piles of crap. ( aint my fault she hates the Grateful dead)

i don't even know. i considered shaving my head anyway, so i'l dread over the summer while i'm gone somewhere. if she really wants she can shave it off, but i doubt she will. having nappy hair is better than having no hair to her ( at least i think)

 

Kids always seem to complain about mommy's rules about how late to stay out, what clothes or hairstyle to wear, what music to listen to, which friends to hang out with or how to decorate their room. Kids sometimes say that parents have no right to complain but if the kids get into any kind of trouble at school or with the law then guess who the school & cops complain to....the parents. Why? Cuz the parents are responsible for their underage kids and its the parents who have to pay. Unless kids move out and pay 100% for ALL their own stuff then they are will have to listen to parents gripe about stuff.

 

someone on here was right ( not really sure who ). my mother took the time to think through her answer and came up with this: she doesn't want other adults to treat me poorly because of my looks. i can respect that.

 

that was me your mom has a good point and at 23 I am very glad that mine never let me get my second holes pierced.

 

bah. i have loftier ambitions than second holes. ears alone, get me a tragus, industrial, orbital helix and size 6 guage. eyebrow and nostril after that. yay for holes in the head
( small ones. made by needles not other things)

 

lynsey, it isn't "just" that my dh and I pay for things, our dd who is 18 is totally dependent on us, she has a job, and that money is for her (and part of it for college and car insurance) maybe your mama never grounded you in High School, but as Sunshine's parent, I do have a right to. I won't take disrespect from a child. And she is still a child.

Your mama does quite a bit for you. She pays for your tuiton, gives you a place to live, pays your car insurance ect. What do you do for her? It appears you have the very BEST of both worlds, you get to act like an adult when it suits you, and be treated like a child when it is more comfy for you. Good gig if you can get it, I guess.

No, that isn't true at all. And your mama paying for everything is teaching YOU just what? That if you don't want to pay your own bills or take care of yourself, someone will do it for you? My dds and ds realize things have value and that they have to work for what they want and that nothing is free, and that they are responsible for their actions and their choices. And when they forget, they have a parent there. They also don't confuse the child-parent role with the wife-husband one. There really shouldn't be a comparision.

It's just a difference in child rearing. It isn't my business how your mama raises you. Sound like you got it better and easier than I ever had it, <shrug>or easier than any of my kids ever will either. They actually have to contribute. (However it is NOT their job to take care of me when I am sick, as that is an ADULT job, Bear and I have pretty strong parent-child boundries in our home.) I am FAR from my children's best freind. I an here to GUIDE them, and teach them how to be adults and good people, not be their freind, and they are here to LEARN from me and respect me, not to support me or take care of me in any way. It is just a difference in childrearing. How your mama raises you, though, is really none of my business.

I was responding to the orignial poster from a parental standpoint, and obviously you were as a child's standpoint Basically all I am hearing is "She can't make me! Neener neener neener" Which is not an adult viewpoint. At least not a mature one. I don't believe it benefits a child AT ALL to let them do whatever they want, and have no involvement in their lives beyong paying bills for them. Which IMO, is what the poster seemed to want.

She's not 23, she's 14!!!!

 

DAMN them are lofty ambitions. My 13 year old wants to be a physician, that's his ambition, but it's not as lofty as wanting to pierce his tragus, I guess.

 

Listen to your mom
Let her pay for everything
Let her decorate your room

 

Ah, but she may get there yet

 

but you have to understand I was very different than most kids. I would never in a million years say a disrespectful thing to my mom-but not because she has control over me but because I have a genuine respect for her that was deeper than any threat of having to stay home. And also we do have a very different relationship because it's just been us my entire life. I have been cut off financially before when I failed a year of school and I didn't bitch about it i just got my shit together and moved on. Also I have lived on my own and supported myself before but I moved back home and it's not like I am some 18 year old kid going to college. I am working on my second degree and have a pretty high profile job as far as non-profits go. So it would be very difficult to go from being a supervisor at work to coming home and being treated like a child. But my moms entire view on parenting when I was younger is very different from most. I was always given decisions never forced to do anything ect. Plus money doesn't mean anything to her it doesn't mean power and it doesn't mean control and I am thankful for that because I am glad I have adopted those same values. With all of this being said I am a child professional and am published in a parenting book have had my fair share of child psych classes ect so it's not like I am just talking out of my ass here.

 

I understand, Your mama did a good job. Not all kids have the same experience. I was NOT dissing your mama at all! If she imparted the kind of respect for herself like you are talking about, I applaud her!


Again, you can't compare yourself to the orginal poster, either, you are older and more experienced. She is still a child. If you and your mama have a roomate-freind type relationship (and that often happens in one parent homes and I am not saying there is anything wrong with this, it is just a different dynamic than a traditional two parent family, not worse or better, just different!) then that is cool, and that what works for you. Your posts are usually pretty mature, and you and your mama do what works best for you!

I was responding the poster as parent as she is the age of some of my kids. You have a different take on parenting, and that may or not change when or if you have your own kids. I am not saying you don't have valuable input to what I was saying, just that we come from really different viewpoints. And there is more than one kind of great parent. YO uhad to take the role of partner like status a lot earlier than most kids, and I am sure it worked well for you. Not everyone is in that position, nor could a lot of kids pulll it off well if given that type of parenting. Every parent needs to assess what their children need. And a good parent give a child either more or less freedom depending on what that child is ready for.

You and your mama worked out what worked for you and her. I, also appreciate that, as having four kids, I have had to tailor my parenting to what each individual child needs, expects, and requires. Sunshine, my oldest, still needs to be put in line for disrespect, some kids NEVER do. It is just her personality, she is very impulsive and doesn't think before she says of does things, thus, even tho in some ways she is very mature for 18 (job, ect) she still REALLY needs pareting a lot. I didn't need that type of parenting at 18, and I doubt Moon will, (time will tell with Lennon and Sage) but this child does.

Still what you expereince with your mama may be very different than what a 14 year old child simply wants. What she posted sounded like whiney early teen brattiness, something I have a LOT of experience with. LOL!

Just a difference of opinoin, I was in no way dissing either your mama or you.

 

I think my post about what Bear and I are responsible for were misinterpreted. I didn't mean for it to sound as if we thought money was power (well, maybe Bear has more of a problem with this than I do) it was WHAT Bear and I take care of! When the furnace went out, in the middle of the night last week, it was Bear and I up and awake, banging on it, vacuuming it, picking up crap that had fallen into it with tape on a stick, worrying about it, and dealing with it. We let the kids know about it the next morning, but it was not their worry. We never would have dreamed of waking the kids to help, as our job is caretakers. When the roof was leaking a few months ago, Bear and I were the ones to deal with it, see the contractors, make sure they were working ect. When one of the kids gets sick, or hurt, we clean up the mess, dress the wounds, medicate them, (and make sure that there is medicine or first aid stuff in the house in the first place) and WORRY about it.

It isn't that we think money is power, is it that responsibility is something. And because Bear and I have to be responsible for EVERYTHING that goes on in our home, we have to be able to have peace and harmony in the home. And to do what it takes to make sure that happens And with four kids, that is not an easy thing to do.

As Bill Cosby says, "This is not a Democracy, I just want it peaceful!" When you have a house fulla kids, this makes a lot of sense, although maybe not when you are a child.

 

you're right maggie my mom worked too much for us to have a normal parent child relationship. If something happened int he middle of the night she would wake me up to help her take care of it even as a little kid. I think that's why she is so helpful now financialy because even though I had a good childhood I didn't have a typical or easy one. My grandparents helped raise me a lot and I loved being at their house because I was actually allowed to be a child.

 

There are as many types of parents as there are parents. Your mama did a good job, Lynsey. I am glad you did have that time with your grandparents, too. But I am sure your mama prepared you well for life. Mamas do what they gotta do!

Blessings to both of you!

 

i <3 my mom. our relationship has been deteriorating of late and that makes me sad. we've both been changing a little. my sister sorta screwed things up for me, being a scary bitch and all. so now things are a little harder. i 'm not complaining. happy i have a mom.

 

There are ways to rebel without hurting yourself. Just be being very responsable and getting yoru own sense of identity while doing so is a huge thing. Parents are scared that if you look like "freak" to them that must mean that something is goint to go wrong with you. What are the aspirations your parents have for you? Sometimes parents don't understand that being yoru own true being and blooming into the young woman you want to become creatively helps you be happier and helps you get through your growing years. Sometimes they cant see past your teen years like you cant as if your going to have crazy piercings and colorful hair forever or something...Some people are jsut shalow. I rebeled in my own way as well. I didn't even know it at the time but I did it. Say mom you may have to look at me but what you see is the me you are trying to make something that is a false sense of me and isn't what I want to look at in the mirror. My sense of me is what matters to me and what helps me be who I am and am going to be. Maybe write her a letter. I doubt a mother like that who cares so much about yoru looksis going to shave yoru head..if she did it's just one more reason to be pissed at her.