My Mental History.

Yes, a lot if becoming apparent and clear to me in this situation. Having people sign fake legal documents, and even go to fake court hearings. It's all a way of limiting the rights of the handicapped, especially mentally and intellectually. Isn't it? And I am going to do everything in my power to end it, or at least expose it. I will spend the rest of my exposing it. Exposing it, exposing Michigan for having it, other states too. Blowing the lid off this little scheme, which must be wonderful if you have an unwanted handicapped person you're trying to get rid of. Right? You know reading this who you are, who are thinking of this plan even now.

And I am going to continue exposing the Michigan attorney general, for refusing to give me any help, even though there is no one anywhere I can turn to now. I may be wrong, maybe she will still help me. Of course she said she wouldn't. So why do I even think that? And she said just hire a lawyer to help you. Maybe she didn't understand. I don't have any funds of my own. I can't afford a lawyer. And even if I did, he would just play along with the deception. Because my name is obviously flagged as soon as someone looks me up online in a law office, etc. Oh, no. Maybe she meant that now this nonsense is entering a new phase. Now people are going to say, yes, that guy is you're secret legal guardian. But the matter is being handled. And then they'll tell me, the matter been resolved! The Michigan attorney general is a very terrible person for not wanted to help me in a terrible, desperate situation like this. I thought she was caring and compassionate and believed in helping handicapped people like me. But I guess I was wrong. And if I'm right, I am going spend the rest of my life exposing her too. Exposing her for not helping. Which can sometimes be worse, in fact much worse, than the original offense.

 

Another thing that started early on in my life. Doctors deceiving me. And never because it was necessary. Or because I deserved it or did anything wrong. It started with that akathisia in my Junior Year in HS. My doctor denied there even was such a side effect. And he was clever. He knew I'd probably have that side effect. So he carefully went over the list of side effects for me, careful to leave that one out. So that when I had horrible akathisia, I could never say he didn't go over the side effects with me. But you know. I could look up stuff. 1984, when I took that Haldol and had that horrible experience with akathisia that lasted over a month, and turned me into a virtual invalid, there was no internet. But he knew I could still research it. So he made his lies believable. Based on the unproven illness Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. But you know. If I was in a mental hospital or group home, I would have less access to outside information. They would control it. Maybe even manufacture it for us patients. It's very important I never end up in a mental hospital or group home for that reason.

I know the doctor I just lost told me he might put me on Haldol again. Or maybe Thorazine, which I also had bad experiences with. I told him those never helped me and turned me into a virtual invalid. And plus my metabolism is much lower, which would make the side effects much worse, I told him I read online. He told me that is just not true. He thought the side effects now that I am middle aged might be less. He was obviously lying. And those old class medications were never meant for someone with my condition, Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

I also know I have been watched all my life, according to my present therapist. He is starting to fill me in on all that. And I think people have also made things worse for me, and made medical professionals think that secrecy was necessary, by telling horrible lies about me. Possibly starting in the second grade, when my teacher slapped me so hard she almost ruptured my eardrum. What I did then was totally innocent, and that was 1975. But I only found out in 2011 she told everyone she had to hit me because I sexually assaulted her. Also, I suspect that boy in the 8th grade who wanted to give me a severe beating for finding him attractive might have lied about me. So did one of my teachers in the 8th grade, I now suspect. And I have to figure all this out on my own. Because so far no one will tell me anything.

 

As I've said, the Michigan attorney general says can simple hire my own attorney who will resolve this matter for me. I can't afford a lawyer. And if I did he would just play along as soon as he brought up my name on his computer monitor. She obviously meant that as a sick joke anyways. She knew long before she got my postal letter there is nothing I can to do solve this problem or help myself. Obviously. What people don't to realize even now is, when people try to reassure me, even prove to me they are telling me the truth, I just know they are lying more. And I've learned long ago that most of the things people tell me in my life will be a lie. It's only recently I have been able to piece together more of that late 1984, Haldol, akathisia thing.

I already knew my then-psychiatrist was deceiving me. And he was clever. As I said, he went over the side effects with me as soon as I started on the Haldol. So I could never say he didn't go over the side effects with me. But my pediatrician, my family, even my parents were all in on that deception. I was having horrible debilitating side effects. Something was obviously very wrong. And that Haldol wasn't even helping me in the slightest way. And yet my psychiatrist just kept me on it in that state, for over a month. And that was how those psychiatric medicines were supposed to go for me for the rest of my life, he thought. I would be having horrible side effects and no help from them. And my psychiatrists would just always deny that there was such a side effect as akathisia. But I remember, my aunt said I must have narcolepsy. But now I know she was obviously in on all that deception. Why it took me so long to figure out my family was in on the deception too, I don't know.

 

There must be something wrong about that, because that couldn't be correct. Having someone sign fake legal forms or go to fake trials, for any reason. Because that couldn't be correct, that couldn't be justified, ever. As I've said, maybe in the most extreme case and only briefly. Like if a man walks into a courtroom holding a gun. And even then as I said, it really shouldn't be legal. There must be some international covenant, some legal principle, something in the Constitution that they violated when they did that to me. And if there isn't, maybe there should be. All three of those things.

And I think this matter treated this way. I want it determined what rule of law or international covenant the state of Michigan and the US is violating when it does things like this, to anyone, and to people like me. And I think they should be stopped and held accountable. And that it be ensured that this never happens again, to anyone, and under any circumstances, ever. Here in the US or elsewhere. Because we should always be able to trust the integrity of our legal system. No matter what the situation is, and everywhere.

And now the Michigan attorney general refuses to help me. And she tells me ridiculous things that she thinks I'll suddenly start believing now. That if I contact a lawyer in a private legal firm now they will be able to help me. No they won't. Everyone is and always will be in on the deception now. She is the only, or one of the few people, who can help me. And she told me in a letter reply she refuses to.

 

And like I've been telling people. My symptoms for the past couple of weeks have been weird. They seem to be almost getting worse and suddenly. Nothing that bad. But just the suddenness of if. And when I told my former psychiatrist about this, his reaction was so odd. He paused with anger and disgust, and then said it was time to raise my Olanzapine to 10 mg, maybe even 15 mg some day. If I didn't know better, I would say that someone was slipping something. Not into my food. But maybe one of my other prescription medications. How would I even know? And who would do such a thing? As I said, those new class neuroleptics are harming me. They've already done permanent damage. This is why I think I have the right to informed medical consent always. Yeah, but "informed". It's not like my doctors would tell me anything. They are still in lying mode. But it's lying that has done some of the worst harm to me over the years.

 

I wanted to relate what happened yesterday. You know, many of my doctors are refusing to accommodate my handicaps. And I am beginning to have problems at the public libraries too like that. I called one of my doctor's office yesterday. He was supposed to give me some important information at that appointment. It around 4 PM I think. And I just told the lady at the desk I was going to me a little late. She said no problem. Come when you can. The doctor will be waiting for you. And, as I told her. I am only a couple of miles from his office. And I won't rush, I told her. But I should be there shortly. I arrived at about 4:40 PM. And his office when I got there was totally dark. Not a person in sight. And their recording says the office doesn't close till 5. I left a message on his voicemail that I would be telling other people about this, and other problems I have with him. Not an angry message. But explained to them. My doctors, including him, are not accommodating me with my Cerebral Palsy and other problems. And plus I said, that doctor I was supposed to see yesterday just has always had a very poor attitude towards me in general. For example, as I've told people, he seems to be one of my doctors who thinks I shouldn't have a car. Even though it's frankly it's none of his business even.

You know there international community should realize several things about the United States. Things in this country that affect human rights and the rights of the handicapped and vulnerable are not to be taken lightly. We have over 300 million people here. There's a lot of people affected by politics and how human rights are treated here. And the handicapped, though only a small group, should always be given special attention and special status. I know English philosopher and social reformer Jeremy Bentham would say that doesn't make any sense, from a utilitarian perspective. There are many more non-handicapped people. They should be helped first. Or at least equally, he would say. But I don't think that's true. People who who are vulnerable, people who are weak, people who just have had a more tragic history. Even if they don't anymore. They should be helped first, and given more help, I think. Because they deserve it more. It's human nature to feel that way and it's right. Like they used to say when I was a little kid. When there's a catastrophe or a tragedy, women and children should always go first. Not because their lives or safety are any more important than the men's. But just because humans know. It's only right that they must always go first. Our humans minds tell us that, even if we aren't sure ourselves sometimes why. I know I tell people now that that is the reason why African Americans should always be allowed to the front of the line. Not given cuts in the line, but always be at the front of the line. Even though they only make up 13% of the US population. Because they have had the more tragic history of any group in the United States, and so they deserve it.

It's like in that quote from Shakespeare's Timon of Athens:

“’Tis not enough to give.
Methinks I could deal kingdoms to my friends
And ne’er be weary. Alcibiades,
Thou art a soldier, therefore seldom rich.
It comes in charity to thee, for all thy living
Is ’mongst the dead, and all the lands thou hast
Lie in a pitched field.”

Certain groups were more worthy of his help, Timon said. I just found that quote by accident. But I sometimes wonder if maybe it was no accident. Because that quote is very true.

 

I think the main issue in my life is secrecy, and lying, and when are either justified. First of all, they are not the same thing. Though there is a grey area between the two. Sometimes when you withhold information from someone, you mislead them too. And if you allow them to continue believing that thing that isn't true, some could argue it becomes a lie. I don't know. I know we should especially be able to trust people in authority. But sometimes even they have to lie. My atheist community college teacher in 2001 gave us an example. He said after Y2K, the Pentagon said their computers were down for just a day. Their computers were down for much longer than a day. But if they told the public that, our enemies might take advantage of that. I was thinking recently sometimes when you're young, your parents lie to you. And they do much more often too, when you're that age. And they might tell you ridiculous things too. Like you can't go to your best friend Suzie's house, because her mother burned the toast the last time you were there. It makes you angry because it sounds so ridiculous. But later on when you're an adult, you discover the real reason why she said that. Your mother found out Suzie's father is a sex offender. Or maybe the neighbors suspect Suzie's mother is putting arsenic in the cookies she gives the neighborhood kids. But your mother tells you when you become an adult. And frankly, we do lie more to our children when we raise them. Sometimes it's necessary for their safety, and sometimes it's just our approach to other things too. Like sparing their feelings, or dealing some other minor issue. Like when your mother tells you she'll turn the car around on a road trip if you kids don't stop fighting in the backseat. But anyways. Those above examples all involve different people, different people doing the lying, and different age groups and levels of intelligence and maturity. But the government and people in authority should almost never lie. And they should never have you sign fake forms and attend fake court proceedings. As I keep saying, only in the most extreme case would that be justified. And it should never be legal.

I am beginning to see this is obviously a guardianship issue in Michigan. And the Michigan legislature was discussing guardianship reform earlier this year. I am still waiting for my therapist to tell me when those reforms take effect. I know our teleconference was abruptly cut off last time. Which is odd, because I think it happened just as I was trying to ask him that question. I think it may take effect next year in January. But my case is interesting. It involves when it is justified to lie to mentally ill or mentally handicapped person. And then, how far you should be able to take that lie. I mean, should they be signing fake forms for the rest of their lives? I say no. But even if someone thinks that could be justified, the way it was taken to such a ridiculous extreme in my life, and when it wasn't even necessary, shows what's wrong with that idea. I also agree I have some mental and psychological impairment. I was deprived of oxygen at birth. I think my doctors all agree on that, and are telling me that. The lady who use to help me out seemed to allude to the fact I may have been funneled to classes in grade school and high school geared towards my intelligence level. As all students were back then, she said. But now she says that doesn't happen anymore. I still think I am in the normal range of intelligence. I still think I might be borderline mentally deficient. But I don't know. My doctors tell me there would be no point in testing my IQ now. But I don't know what they mean. I never took an IQ test. And I have always done well in school, especially grade school and HS. I know as I said, since about 1988, people in my life have been trying to convince me that I appear mentally deficient, very mentally deficient they wanted me to believe, to other people. I don't know how true that is or what that was all about. People were also trying to convince me since HS that I appear like a dangerous mental patient to people too. But the guy who used to help me out till 2022 used to tell me I don't appear that way to him. I just don't know how I appear to other people. All my life for that, I only know what people have told me.
But as I said, I do agree I need a little help. But not using some secret status where reckless decisions are made behind my back. Part of my problem might be intellectual, part of it might be due to my Schizotypal Personality Disorder. And I only found out in 2011 I have Cerebral Palsy too. That can create problems that seem intellectual too I understand. But these things can be worked out by working with me. And as I say, I may need to have my medical, and legal, status changed too. I know whatever it is, it's obviously not what people have told me it is all my life.

Also, as I told that 2022 therapist. There are some recurring themes in my life. And at least a couple of weird things going on in my life at the same time. I seem to have been watched, possibly from birth. Possibly due to the circumstances of my birth. Maybe something else. I thought around 1990 that I might be part of some secret government experiment. Like in the 1984 movie Firestarter with Drew Barrymore. I saw that movie in 1990. And I thought I saw several parallels to my life in it. There's also a lot of coincidences in my life. Around 1990, I concluded most were due to the US government being in my life since birth. Then for the past couple of years I came to realize that's a little grandiose. But there have been other ways authorities in my life have been observing me and micromanaging my life. Like in that thing above involving funneling students into classes in the 70's and 80's in the US. But I don't know how it all connects. I do have a tendency even now to connect things in my mind and put things in my life and in the world together that are totally unrelated. There's also a lot of weird coincidences in the world and my life I have been a part of all my life. In the world, like the Curse of Tippecanoe, and those Mount Rushmore Coincidences I have been sharing online for over 20 years now. And in my life, like the fact every time I flipped a coin as a child, like maybe between age 6 and 12, it came whatever was upside in my hand, just apparently because I thought as a child it worked that way. Literally every time, and without exception. I still remember. And the more recent song ones too. I don't know how that all fits with all that I said above. I guess there might be no connection at all. But I don't know. As I was telling people a couple of months ago, the coin flip one has a certain irony to it. Like when a child has an imaginary friend because they are being abuse. And the adults in her life eventually find out her imaginary friend is real. Perhaps because it is really a ghost, they find out. Stories like that have a certain irony in a world where things are outside the control of children, and people like me. Again, I just don't know who if anyone is responsible for all of that.

 

I was going to say. Like I said, I do have a tendency even now to connect things in my mind and put things in my life and in the world together that are totally unrelated. But I don't see why that is not normal. Or at least how it could be my fault. The reason why I thought even the more ridiculous things I thought when I was younger, was because I was lied to, there was so much secrecy in my life. Secrecy that even I was beginning to place together as a kid. Like I said. It was an open secret between my mother and me. She was asking the grade school and neighborhood kids to play with me. I obviously knew by then, so she just stopped denying it. That's why I came up with things like my wild time travel plan of the early 80's. Or believed I was part of some worldwide conspiracy in 1988 and 9. Which I have to say in hindsight, did help me in the end. Because strangely even at that time, it boosted my self esteem. Because the women at that hospital where they abused me in 1988 and 9 wanted me to think I was hated. I wasn't loved or important, they wanted me to believe. I still don't know why. But it all happened in same city those two years. And there are still people around to this day who were responsible for it or at least know about it. Maybe, I don't know, they should be held accountable for what they did in some way. Or if it's too late for that, maybe at least exposed to the public. What do you think?

But there was more to it than that. I was lied to and there was secrecy in my life. But also people didn't mind playing upon, and sometimes confirming, my worst fears. Like when my psychiatrist made me think he was part of the evil conspiracy July 8, 1989. And had my aunt tell me I would be going to Northville psychiatric hospital very soon. Where the unbearable akathisia pain would never end, for the rest of my natural life. Or when I left that hospital in September of 1989, finishing my brief stay at their partial psychiatric program. And they told me. Enjoy your new life and newfound freedom. But a fate far worse than unending akathisia in Northville awaits you some day. But they wouldn't tell me what. I think that would make anyone irrational, and panic. What's strange is how little I panicked after that. I actually settled into a normal, peaceful life, that I still live to this day. And then they said I was morally weak. And immature too. Because they all, all the people I mentioned (I think I'll carry that list with me from now on—or memorize it), drove me to suicide in 1989 and 2004. And now I am under secret guardianship from that Michigan court. Because they feel the same way, right? I'm morally weak, because the system they are part of, or at least failed to protect me and people like me from, drove me to feel suicide was the only solution. Even though I never really wanted to die. As I said, I'm holding onto that list. And in every legal proceeding I find myself in where the list is important, or where I think it might be. Like if they try another one of those fake court proceedings like they did in 1992. Or try to dump me in prison, where they thought, like I've actually heard people say, online and in my life, I'd at least be cared for.

 

You've been sharing with us these details of your personal life for some time. Do you do this (as I sometimes do) to get things off your chest or as a way of putting your thoughts together? Or in hopes of getting some validation? Or are you looking for actual feedback or advice? The latter is something I'd hesitate to offer you, because I have no professional background in medicine, psychiatry, or psychology; and because I have no first hand knowledge of your situation and am reluctant to say something that might offend you or be harmful to you. I do find what you tell us fascinating though, empathize with your pain, and wish I could help.

I might say that posting on HF is probably a good place for you. Many of us are society's rejects and aren't phased by ideas "normal" folks might consider odd. I hope this forum provides a welcoming forum for you where you can share your thoughts freely and feel at home..

 

No, Tishomingo, I am just making sure everyone knows. Not only what is going on in my life, but in Michigan now too. BTW, you will all notice I not only leave out identifying details like names and specific locations. But also any information that might allow people to figure out who I am talking about. I have to tell you. I do often copy and paste these texts from other sources. It easier that way. And I am careful delete the names and locations then. But I was thinking. Maybe from now on when I do that, keep a list by me of the personal names and information on a piece of paper next to me. And then do a Ctrl + F search of the text to find them. I always remember and find those names. But just to be careful. (I also sometimes find there are certain times when a pencil and a piece of paper are needed. Even though everyone claims the world is going paperless now.)

But. You know, one of the nicest experiences I had, or Christmas Eve's really, was December 24, 2020. It was that period when almost everything was closed or had limited hours due to COVID. So I couldn't go to my family's house for Christmas like I usually do. So I went to a local mall for a walk. It was still open Christmas Eve. I just had walk around. But it was so peaceful and calm. It's experiences like that that are really special to me, and I sometimes don't even know exactly why.

Also, I was thinking then. I would really have appreciated a Christmas Eve like that the last three years of my HS. I still spent those Christmases with my family. But I found it hard to go out in public, which I found unfair. The only thing that would have spoiled it a little if I knew this in HS was that my parents were both gone by 2020.

 

Recently I was at a local library getting my copies at the front desk. (As I was doing this, the police were standing a couple feet away to my left for some reason.) And the lady there said they closed in 30 minutes, so it was too late to pick up my copies. I told her I didn't know that. She said she made an announcement. I told her, I never heard her make that announcement.

Also, yesterday, late in the evening, I was at local grocery store. And I was just loading my grocery bags into my cart. And I had a few, and so it was taking a little while. But I was doing it as fast as I could. And the cashier got very rude with me. She told me that I was not loading my groceries fast enough for her. I told her, I'm not an octopus. She had wait patiently for me. It was her job after all.

And as I said, people like the people in libraries are citing nonexistent rules and claiming I did things I never did. My doctors say that there is a fifteen minute grace period. If I am later than that, they have to reschedule. I told them, I never heard of that before. They said, well, it applies to everyone. Is that true? And one of my doctors told me they leave in the early afternoon. I later found out that wasn't even true. They leave at 5 PM, like most doctors. They were lying to me about that.

As I said, I've had a tendency to be late all my life. And if there was something I could do about it, I would have done it long ago. Plus I am getting older and slowing down. Before long, my Cerebral Palsy is going to complicate my aging process. And I have permanent nerve damage in my feet and possibly hands too. That's obviously not going to get better, and may be complicated some day by my Cerebral Palsy. And now I am going to be using a catheter for the rest of my life, which will probably make me even later. Do my doctors want me to rush that procedure? I don't think I should. But people in my life like doctors tell me that apparently want me too. Because I am not getting ready for them quickly enough, and they refuse to accommodate me in even the slightest way.

And as I said, I am never going to allow anyone to put me in a group home, or any place else, under any circumstances. Once there I would lose all medical consent, and be at the mercy of whatever stupid, reckless thing my legal guardian or the Michigan court system is doing to me at the time. And they'll be doing it behind my back and without my knowledge still, since it doesn't seem anything will be done about this. The Michigan attorney general tells me she refuses to help. (She seems to think I should believe people when they lie to me and tell me there is no secret guardianship.) I don't even think I may ever trust going to an emergency room ever again if I need it. There will always be deception in my life, and for the rest of my life I have to assume. And. It is very important I always am able to drive. Important for my independence, important for my safety, important for my ability to consent to things to.

And I might as well bring up. As far as how all of this will be paid for. Keeping me in my house, making sure I always have a car, etc. I still think, as I told my therapist once, lawsuits would be a good way to go. I have no way of doing that myself. I couldn't anyways, because all the lawyers I contact would just tell me none of what I just said above even exists or is a problem. Of course, if the Michigan attorney general ever wanted to help me again in the future, she could help me with a lawsuit. Lawsuit against all the people in my life that violated the law and my rights, and harmed me. And I could use that money to live on from now on.

 

I called a new doctor to be my psychiatrist now. And he should have called me by now. His secretary did say they were going to call me back for a teleconference interview. One of my doctors did recommend him. And I hoped he could help me with all that is going on in my life too, perhaps. But he never got back with me. And now I am totally without a psychiatrist.

I have not way of getting one. My last psychiatrist was the only one, I was told in 1992, that would accept me, because I wear deadly plastic gloves. And now he dropped me, after almost permanently damaging me, or I should say permanently damaging me more, with a sudden and extreme raise in my Olanzapine. I have no way of getting a psychiatrist. Very few doctors in the US choose that profession anyways. I am not going to call my insurance company for information. I just don't get doctors that way. I have no way of getting a psychiatrist. And frankly it will probably be a long time before I ever try again to get one. Unless someone helps me. But no one wants to help me anymore, I guess. Because that is the reality in my country for people like me.

I wasn't sure if I wanted this new guy as my psychiatrist anyways. His secretary was very rude. And he has unusually early hours, even for teleconferencing. But I was going to try to make it work. I was exploited time and time again by the system. And now I am being abandoned by it, it seems.

 

I just got a postal letter from the Michigan attorney general today. And without going into detail about what she wrote, she basically said that she will continue reading the correspondence I send her. So I guess I may have jumped to the wrong conclusion about what she, and others, are doing in this situation. I may just have to wait till early next year when guardianship reform may start in Michigan. I was about to ask my therapist about that, when our teleconference was abruptly cut off last time.

I do have to say. Everything I relate here, and ever to anyone, is always true and accurate. So even if I inadvertently got anyone in trouble, it wasn't for lying or misleading people. It would have to be for something they actually did then.

 

I would say, that in her defense (speaking of the Michigan attorney general now), she has been investigating the abuses of the guardianship system in Michigan for five years, and recommending change too. It actually is a lot worse here than many people even in Michigan realized. Heather Catallo of WXYZ-TV in Detroit, said in a 2023 article, "Since 2017, the 7 Investigators have been exposing abuses in Michigan’s guardianship system. In one brief court hearing, with very little evidence, you can be declared legally incapacitated, and all your rights can vanish."

And yet in all this time nothing, at least nothing that I am aware of, has been done in my case. I was led to believe that the Michigan legislature was going to try to get something done this year. I will have to look into that. But also, I was reading online recently, there was are some groups (many of them claiming to be advocates for the disabled and people under guardianship in Michigan) that oppose change. As I said, I will still wait until next year to see what happens.

I still need to know what changes, if any, have been made this year. Does anyone here know?

 

I might as well bring this up here at least once. Regarding how I was mistreated by the system, and how I was abused. It often involved something that I was assured was perfectly harmless. And that the people wouldn't stop doing, no matter how I pleaded with them to stop.

I remember it actually started with people calling me ugly, at age 11, and making me lose all will to live. People used to say I was attractive, gorgeous even. But people never meant it. It was always code for how ugly they really thought I was. I actually don't think anyone has ever sincerely told me I was handsome or beautiful in my life even once. It always was a clever way of telling me I was ugly. In 1988 and 9, they started tormenting me with with certain numbers when they saw how they made me twitch. That is basically what led to my deciding that I would always have suicide as an option, if the pain I was facing was unbearable and lasted the rest of my life. That very night, July 6, 1988, as I tell people. But they did that was to excess, using those numbers, and other things. Often screaming it and saying it with extreme cruelty. And using it in all kinds of unlikely ways, when those obviously weren't even the numbers that went with the story they were telling. But they always told me the same thing. They are just harmless numbers, they don't mean anything. And so there is no way for you to get us to.

I know in HS people seemed to cough when I thought certain things. I am not kidding at all. That and rub their eyes. I begged them to stop. But they told me they couldn't. Because those things were innocent, and so it didn't work that way. I know the eye rubbing and coughing thing is still going on today. It's code for when people are trying to tell me something. Either tell me they don't like something I have said or done. Or more recently, the lady who used to work for me and one my doctors did it when I just innocently brought up the subject of my car. This last time to show me that they were still thinking of taking away my car, even though I though the issue had been dropped by then. Also, on the subject of eye rubbing and coughing. Those things may not seem like much. But as I told my therapist once, they both literally destroyed my life. I was unable to go out in public freely because of those two things .

Anyways, if anyone is following my story in any way, they should know. If I am any place, like in public. Or in a courtroom proceeding of some kind, or something like that. And someone suddenly rubs their eyes especially. Or coughs. Or, sometimes now I've notice, people still unexpectedly use those numbers around me. They don't hurt me anymore, like they did in 1988 and 9. But I can tell that's why they are doing it. Or sometimes people use otherwise innocent words, like "hot", "fire", etc. Words that imply the Devil or hell. They are trying to secretly tell me they don't like what I am doing. Or, in the case of taking away my car, they are trying to secretly tell me something, something like that.

Yeah, you know I was thinking recently. It is really ingenious. Because people can do it in public around me, and it seems so innocent. Rubbing your eyes, coughing, using otherwise innocent numbers. That is obviously why those things were chosen, I was thinking recently. To do around me if I am ever in public. And they have often been used to abuse and threaten me now, since my childhood.

 

BTW, I have no idea who, if anyone is doing these things in public. I guess they usually just happened at the programs or medical clinics I went to. But I even noticed in 1989, people who seem involved in all of this seem to get around. You know, just following someone to a store or something like that is not illegal or anything like that per se. And sometimes I don't know. I know for a while people would seem to always hum loudly or whistle in my presence, like in a store. I know that could be due to anything of course. But if I have learned anything throughout the years, it's that when I think something looks very out of the ordinary and wrong, it usually really is.

 

It's worth pointing out. Like I've said, I don't think overall I've had that bad of a life. It could have been better and it got bad at certain points. But no one's life is perfect. And people do have hardship. Especially in my country. The US is unique in that it is not something horrible like a dictatorship or a third world country. But its standard of living and social safety net are still not as good as it is in some countries. Also, our gun laws are ridiculous. They give free access to gun to people who should never have them, leading to epidemic violence here.

I know, as I often tell my therapists, usually my problem was with people making me angry. Sometimes very angry, and sometimes unbearably angry. But you deal with anger differently than you do with sadness, depression or loss. At least I do. Sometimes though, the anger that I was forced to face in my life got unbearable. But I still think it would have been worse if it was one of those other things. Also, usually my problems were obviously someone else's fault. Or they were caused by something that wasn't my fault. That is different too I think. I always knew if I faced any hardship, it wasn't my fault and I did nothing to deserve it. Not always though. In 1988 and 9 at that hospital, they tormented me for over a year. And they claimed it was because I was morally weak or a bad person. But they never went into detail. Also, like I said, since age 14 people have been telling me that I was up to something, or they wondered what I was hiding. Or they treated me with suspicion or exercised caution in certain situations. But all seemed to be due to the fact that started at age 14 I looked like a mentally ill person to people. Or so they said.

 

This next one could have something to do with if the government, if they are even indeed in my life, wants me telling others about them and their conspiracies. I don't know. The evidence, in my life at least, is mixed. I'll tell you what happened.

I started writing political things on bathroom walls around the early 90's. I still thought I was embroiled in an international conspiracy. And I know all of that, at least, was false. But I felt compelled to write something, I guess. So I started writing "greedy robber barons hate Jews" on walls. First at a couple of places, and also at the commuter college I was going to. A student at that college finally wrote under that, that that sounded silly. Too many B's, and he didn't even know what I meant. So I started writing, on many bathroom walls, the USA is ran by greedy corporations that hate Jews. And I did get some resistance for that, but not always. Once in that college, right after I wrote it. A man came in the bathroom and cleaned it off immediately. Which was odd. Because I was alone in there, and no one should have seen me write it. Then, as I told my 2022 therapist, there was the bathroom in that college, where I was taking a class at the time, where only what I wrote would be erased. I thought that was very strange, and outrageous. That the cleaning staff at the college only erased what I wrote, while leaving the rest of the graffiti alone? I later concluded, as I told my therapist, it was just one student (who seemed to be mentally ill himself) who was doing that.

Also, on January 23, 1992 I was in the bathroom of a local restaurant on Warren Ave. in Detroit. And I decided I was going to write something political on their bathroom walls. But I felt a lot of anxiety about it. Because by then I was getting some resistance for doing that, writing political things on bathroom walls. Or, so I thought. And so I had to get the nerve to do it. I was in the bathroom, writing something innocent on their walls. And it was in a small space. I really didn't vandalize their bathroom or walls, I think. And the staff were outside the bathroom, chatting pleasantly. I thought nothing of it at the time. Then as I left, and I was in the parking lot, the blonde haired owner and some staff cornered me in the parking lot and made a big scene. (It's also worth pointing I never ate there once, if that is important. And BTW, that place has since closed.)

Although, significantly, and this is important. I was at a gay bar in Detroit, in 1994. And they falsely accused me of writing something on their bathroom walls. In big, large letters, making a big mess, and clearly vandalizing it, they said. That was a total false accusation. I never even did that. I don't think I even wrote on the walls of that bar that often, or at all. And the manager said that the evidence for what I did was overwhelming. They knew I did it, he said. And there was no way it possibly could have been anyone but me, who did that. As I told everyone, fear of being falsely accused and railroaded by the system is what led to my suicide attempt in April of 2004. And there was something that happened in that local hospital again, in the Summer of 1992, that seemed to imply I would be falsely accused of something some day. (My therapists starting in 2011 seemed to explain to me I just misunderstood that 1992 one, though.) Because, due to incidents like this, I thought even if I was innocent, it wouldn't help me. And, that is what someone was clearly trying to tell me with that above gay bar incident. I know at local hospital in 1992, a lady there said people in the hospital were accusing me of strutting around and being obnoxious to everyone. That is just not true. Because one thing about me, I am always polite, and I am always respectful of people and their rights. Often no matter how poorly they treat me. I'm still not sure what she meant. But as I said, my doctor in 2011 told me I just misunderstood her.

Also, all my life I thought if you were falsely accused of something, what you did was simple. Just plead your innocence and prove your case. At least that's how it's supposed to work, in my country at least. But starting in 1992, and then in 1994, things started taking a troubling turn with that. People leading me to believe I was going to be falsely accused of something. And something serious too, it seemed. Though fortunately that never happened. I know the owner of that bar said, the evidence I did the act was overwhelming. There was no way it could have possibly been anyone by me. Even though I wasn't even at that bar the day it happened. Which is really disturbing.

 

Anyways, I went to one of my doctors yesterday. And I saw this man there studying to be a doctor. And he said something interesting. I was telling him that I was telling one my other doctors once that the hair on my legs just above the foot was gone. This was about 20-25 years ago, I think. I thought maybe it was because of the socks I wore all the time. But one doctor said no, it was normal. And he looked at me legs and feet, and said they looked fine to him. But that young student said that it was probably due to the fact I had Type II Diabetes and neuropathy even back then. So my doctors were aware of all this for some time, my Type II Diabetes and neuropathy. And there is obviously something wrong with my feet. Nothing too serious, as far as I can tell. I can still walk, though I feel a little unsteady. But it is important that I have use of my feet to be independent, and to always drive. I am not letting someone ever put me in a group home. I would lose all medical consent there. And the people in my life have already shown how they make reckless, unnecessarily dangerous, decision in my life. And behind my back too. Maybe even behind everyone's back, for all I know, who's involved in this situation in any way. That is why I must never go to a place like a group home ever. And I will block anyone every step of the way if they try something like that. BTW, the lady who used to help me out once said that I could get a car with hand pedals, if I had to some day. I don't know though. My legal guardian still really doesn't seem to want me to have a car at all. (He says it's too expensive. Even though he can afford to live in an affluent suburb of Detroit.) And it's hard get ahold of him if I ever need help. So I don't even know how that would work. Plus if I lost use of my feet ever, I would need to drive immediately. At least to my doctors' offices. My psychiatrist once told me that someday my legal guardian could just be my chauffeur. Though he never explained to me why he suddenly thought I should lose my car. Especially since he never told me why he suddenly thought I shouldn't be driving to begin with. All starting around 2004, as I've said. He told me in 1993 he thought my driving was a wonderful idea, and he strongly endorsed it. Then around 2004, he suddenly seemed to think that I should lose my car and license. Suddenly he became concerned how low my IQ was. He suddenly started to think I was even childlike in some ways, starting then, for some reason. Like I said, he didn't think I was childlike or low in intelligence before 2004. Nothing happened involving my IQ in 2004, anymore than anything involving my driving ability or record did. But then it all suddenly became an issue. I still don't know exactly why. For the record, as I've said, I think I am somewhere in the normal range of intelligence. I need a little help, maybe for a number of reasons. I honestly don't know. And the only reason why I at least feared someone might take away my license, is because I was unsure of the legal status of the mentally ill and deficient, when it came to driving in Michigan. Not ever because I personally was a bad driver. Anyways, for my independence, for my safety and to have that all-important medical consent, all my life, I may need a car with hand pedals. Perhaps some day. But I don't know who will even help me with that. Probably not my legal guardian, I already tend to think.

BTW, I am beginning to see that all my doctors knew a lot more about me than they admitted to though. Maybe right from the start, from the moment I was born. I am still wondering if they knew I had Cerebral Palsy. One of my doctors told me the way I walked all my life should have made that obvious. And I had my first EEG in 1986. Also, today I was telling that man above, that one my doctors told me that I obviously have at least mild form of autism, because I have never been able to look people in the eyes. He told me that doesn't show I have autism. Is that true? Anyways, I need the correct diagnoses for all my medical problems and conditions, I need the correct legal status and legal handicap status, and I need to have all the secrecy end in my life, and to have enough say in the medical and legal decisions in my life. And I think much of my status and problems comes down to two mistakes. People since my grade school have been lying about me, and making it seem I have problems, and perhaps even did things, I never did. And people seem to think I am suicidal, when it was other people who made me feel I would be in unending pain, and lose all quality of life, some day, maybe soon. And, very troubling, they are still deceiving me and withholding information from me even now. I really don't know when I can ever trust the people in my life. And suicidal? No. I think I dealt with the above situation very well, unbearable pain that never ends. Anyways, I will always carry that list with me, of the people who drove me to attempt suicide in 1989 and 2004, and how they made that happen those two times. And I will keep repeating it all my life. Especially when my right or freedoms are in jeopardy in any way, or even I am just in a situation where that is happening. Perhaps for a reason people want me to believe is in some way my fault, again.

Also, I was going to say, on another topic. My family and I started going to a local mall around the time my mother died in 1996. And most or all of the security guards there seemed to work as policemen for that city. I was surprised by many things about them. Pleasantly surprised, actually. I had thought up till then that in my country, the police were often the problem. As a child, I was taught to always trust the police. The adults in my life never led me to believe I should do otherwise. But as I got older, I found that police are often more the problem when it comes to wrongful, and even illegal, behavior. But I found none of that was true with the police in that mall. They seemed nice and pleasant. They basically told me once that they had no problem with homosexuality. I thought by then all cops were homophobes, virulent homophobes even. (In local River Rouge Park around 2000, the Detroit police were basically spending hours a day talking to gay men who went there. And even if they just said that all they wanted was to have sex in a motel room, they'd arrest them for that on the spot. Tackling a man once for just winking and walking away. Until the now-Mayor Mike Duggan put an end to all that nonsense, when he was Wayne County prosecutor back then.) And the cops in that mall seemed to favor animal rights too. They had a drive once there to buy a police dog a bulletproof vest. In Detroit, some police were shooting dogs for fun at one point.

 

There are several important issues in my life, and they have importance for everyone's life. Not just in the US, but in the world. Because like Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, an injustice for one is an injustice for all. There's also the issue of threats of harm in my life. Like I said, starting before age 18, people in my life starting telling me I would some day be in unbearable pain that never ended in Northville psychiatric hospital, with no chance of any quality of life. I realize now that probably was never really a possibility. Then in September, 1989 I left that local hospital on the note that some day I'd face something even worse than that, leading directly to my suicide attempt in April of 2004. But threats are never necessary. They were certainly never necessary for me. And I am still trying to figure out why they were ever even done in my life. Because they do their own damage, even if supposedly no harm of any kind, not just physical, results. And what people don't realize it's not that they aren't more effective sometimes. That's not the point. When it was revealed in the early 2000's the George W. Bush administration had been using waterboarding to extract information from Al-Qaeda suspects, Bush's administration said in defense of that method, it was very effective, and the information they got from it literally saved lives. But it was also pointed out at the time, that's not the point. People sometimes say that that torture has never been a reliable means of gaining information. It's very reliable, when used correctly. The reason why it shouldn't be used it because it is never justified for any reason and under any circumstances. And there always is another method that could be used. There's also the issues like that of the handicapped in my life. And issues like when is it ever justified to do things like have someone sign a fake legal form, even if it's for public safety or his own good.