My Mental History.

Very interesting. Thanks for the update.

 

For The Past 32 Years I Have Been Signing Fake Consent Forms And Entering Nonexistent Contracts.

Frankly, As I Tell My Doctors, I Don't Even Know If I Am Really Voting. And Now They Are All Back To Being Silent Again.

 

I also wanted to say, about all this secret legal guardianship nonsense, something I have known for some time now. I could never be sued. Oh, someone could try. But they'd never get any money out of me. It's all in my secret guardian's name. Yeah, the guy at my financial institute was talking about this again. And the probate lawyer who set up my trust in 1997 told us all too. Now, I suspect it might have something to do with my secret legal guardianship too. I could never be sued. Oh, you could try. But you'd never get any money out of me. Because it's all in my secret guardian's name. And you could never really sue him either, if you wanted to sue me, for some reason. No, the only assets I have are, what? The clothes on my back, I guess. Because someone else owns my house, etc. And, also what? I own the money and loose change in my pocket.

But I could never be sued. Which is interesting, I guess. As I said, I am not exactly sure why that is myself.

 

I was just going to touch upon my first experienced with that terrible drug Haldol. My first psychiatrist, who first saw in November of 1984, gave it to me.

The first couple of days I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. I started on it the Wednesday before Thanksgiving vacation from my HS, 1984. Then when I arrived back at school, anxious to get some results from it, I doubled up one of the doses. And I got a really bad reaction. I felt very uncomfortable. And I ran to a payphone at the end of the school and asked my mother to come pick me up. When I got home, my mother described what I was going thru to my psychiatrist. She told him I said I felt like I wanted to go and stay at the same time. She told me he said that couldn't possibly be a side effect from the Haldol. But that it sounded like it might be a new psychiatric problem instead, he said. I was describing classic akathisia. It's a very common side effect, especially with that drug Haldol I recently found out. Haldol is notorious for it. For over a month, up until a couple of days before Christmas vacation, I languished in that terrible state. Sleeping and feeling very tired most of the time. (I had to put my head down in one of my teacher's class before it began. She started complaining to my mother she didn't like me putting my head down in class. I explained to my mother that was before class began. And that was our free time. We could use it any way we wanted. My mother said she still complained, and wanted me to stop. I finally started leaning against the wall outside her room before class began. I had no choice because I was so tired, and she must have seen that.) It turned me into a virtual invalid. By HS, I had very few responsibilities around my house. As I said, I have had extreme mental fatigue all my life. And my parents were very understanding about this. And by HS, they no longer required I did any chores. I just had to take band class, and do reasonably well in school of course. That was it. If I took that Haldol now, especially with my slower metabolism now that I am older, it would be much worse. I just wouldn't be able to be independent and function. And my first psychiatrist knew this. He knew it wasn't helping me in the slightest way. Because I told him all this, in vivid detail. I still remember some of the exact words I used to describe my side effects. But he just kept telling me over and over again, that those weren't the types of side effects he'd associate with that medicine. They obviously were, and he obviously covered all that in medical school. He was lying to me, plain and simple. And yet, all these years later, no one has told me differently. AFAIK, he really didn't know about the side effect akathisia. And plus he told me often he agreed I didn't have full-blown Schizophrenia. And I was reading online, people back then knew those old-class neuroleptics were never meant for Schizotypal Personality Disorder. They thought, though, it might help those patients a little. A little? Right. It wasn't helping me at all, I had terrible debilitating side effects from it. And he kept me on it for over a month.

Eventually my pediatrician, who I now realize was part of all this, said that I have mononucleosis from the Epstein–Barr virus. Later the next year, my Senior year in HS, I took that Haldol again, with another lady psychiatrist. One night the side effect akathisia was so bad, it literally caused a psychiatric emergency. Fortunately the lady psychiatrist gave me a little Cogentin in case of such an emergency. After that she put me on Mellaril, which has no or little akathisia associated with it. And my mother claimed to coincidentally look up that side effect in a medical book for new medical students she borrowed from the library. She told me it was called "motor restlessness". Most mental patients just refer to it as restlessness. And I made to always tell my doctors after that if I was experiencing any of that side effect. But my first psychiatrist clearly lied to me. My pediatrician was in on the lie. My whole family was. Why? Why? That Haldol didn't even help me in the slightest way. The slightest way I told that first psychiatrist, repeatedly. And he still kept me on it.

I'm not saying everyone was doing it to neglect me or be mean. But honestly I still don't know why they were doing it. It doesn't sound like the kind of thing my mother would do, take part in something like that. My pediatrician seemed like a nice person, and a good doctor to me. But he kept the deception going long after I learned of the side effect restlessness. He said I must have chronic fatigue syndrome, caused by the Epstein–Barr virus. He said I'd probably have some form of it for the rest of my life. Chronic fatigue syndrome was an unproven medical diagnosis. Most doctors now don't believe there is such an illness. But back then many still weren't sure. Plus mononucleosi was going around my school, even before I saw that first psychiatrist for the first time. So that story was believable, if I ever researched it, they knew.

 

I've never taken anti-psychotic drugs (tet) but I had a friend (correctly) diagnosed with paranoid schiophrenia who was on Haldol for awhile and had the same assessment of it as you have. It must be terrible. He was able to stop taking it, but was convinced the telephone company was after him and was monitoring all of his activities. He even told me about picking up a hitchhiker who said he was a Cuban but was "obviously" an agent of the phone company. As my friend talked, I realized he was talking about someone I knew; and he was a Cuban, from Castro's prison who had made it to the U.S. on the Mariel boat lift and had been making death threats on my boss. I don't think he worked for the telephone company. Life is funny sometimes.

 

Thank you for your reply, Tishomingo.

Also, speaking of that time in my life, when I started seeing that first psychiatrist, it's a funny thing about me. I was just too trusting to begin with at that time. In addition to no knowing what was really going on then. Now, my therapist tells me they thought I had minor issues since age 7, when I saw that first lady psychiatrist. And he also tells me I have been observed all my life. Which I am still trying to figure out and piece together. For nothing I did, I know. I think people have just been lying about me all my life, to hide what they did. Often did to me. Like that teacher at that Halloween party, in 1975. Who slapped me so hard that she almost ruptured my eardrum. And then I only learned in 2011 that she didn't get in trouble because she claimed I touched her sexually, or inappropriately. Me, a little 7 year old kid, who weighed about 50 pounds then. There were a lot of other incidents like that in that grade school, where even at the time I knew I was being falsely accused of things to hide others mistakes. I don't have the time it would take to go into all of them though.

Anyways, I wanted to say. After I was done with my hour for that first psychiatrist, my parents would talk to him for an hour too, for a family consultation. Just my parents then. And I would at that point have to go back to our car. Because it was so hard to be around people. Let alone for an hour like that. My mother would often later tell me how uncomfortable I even looked to him, there for that hour. But my mother would always say the same thing, with a smile. She'd say feel free to join us. You're welcome, and there's nothing we're hiding from you. As I've pointed out, there's a lot the adults were hiding from me, right from the start. So that's not what she really meant. If I ever joined, they wouldn't talk about what they usually talked about. Not with me in the room. Also, I think she kind of knew that I probably wouldn't join. I have to tell you too. The other reason why I didn't join is because I thought my mother was micromanaging my life. And she was. (Believe it or not, that usually worked out well for me anyways. I actually like the sheltered, protected childhood I had.) I know she told me just before my first meeting with the new psychiatrist, she wasn't doing some of the weirder stuff I thought she was. Like going to my room late at night to debrief me, to find out what I was thinking and doing that day. Or uncovering my thoughts in other ways. But I still thought she was micromanaging my life, and she was. So I always refused to join in that family consultation. And gave my parents, my mother in particular, her space, to talk things over with my doctor.

I'm still trying to figure out the circumstances of my birth. I was deprived of oxygen. And it did damage my brain, perhaps. It caused Cerebral Palsy, if nothing else. I've always gone to normal schools with normal kids. And I sometimes did quite well even. I also wonder if I don't have a head deformity of some kind. Not hydrocephalus. But maybe megalencephaly? I also obviously have at least a mild form of autism. My doctors seem to agree on that too. And I have eumorphia, which is very odd. I honestly don't know what I look like to other people. Not at all. And my head literally looks bigger, sometimes much bigger to me, in the mirror, even when I am alone. But only when I am in public. Which seems strange. I know a neurologist measured my head in my Senior year in HS. And he showed my mother he was surprised. I am way off the chart even, he said. Though my head doesn't seem too deformed. It may be a little misshapen. Nothing major though, at least as far as I can tell. I don't think anyone has a perfectly shaped head anyways. And the way my head is misshapen seems symmetrical on both sides in any event.

 

BTW, I am probably going to be seeing new psychiatrist from now on. Those atypical antipsychotics have damaged me. They gave me Type II Diabetes that I will have for th rest of my life. I also am overweight, since about 1994. And I obviously can't lose the weight. And the neuropathy in my feet has caused permanently damage, my doctors tell me. I can't take the older class neuroleptics either. They don't work and cause me serious side effects, as I've said. And they do raise blood sugar too you know. (Not that there would be any point to taking a medicine I don't need anyways.)

I first saw my last psychiatrist in 1992. He had me civilly committed and forcibly medicated. First with Mellaril in 1992, and then with Zyprexa around 2003. I was told I was forcibly committed and medicated in 1992 for wearing loose-fitting plastic gloves that may some day lead to "infection and death" (direct quote). I just stopped arguing with people by 1993. (That is when the song "I Don't Wanna Fight" by Tina Turner came out. I remember at the time I could relate to it in many ways.) I got a letter on the second from my 1992 doctor telling me that he is discharging me for noncompliance with his orders and therapy. He had me still taking that Olanzapine (Zyprexa). It was at 2.5 mg, which my pharmacist told me was still dangerous and risky for me. Then he raised it, for no apparent reason, to 10 mg. Right after I told him my feet were giving me trouble again. He paused with anger, and then said he was raising it to 10 mg. (Eating just one candy bar makes them ache for some reason.) Then I told him I couldn't take that high a dose. He seemed to understand. The pharmacy had my does back at 2.5 mg, I think. Then it he put it back at 10 mg. And he said he wanted 15 mg some day too, though he wouldn't tell me why. He was a very unprofessional, unethical doctor, I have always thought. But I wouldn't say he ever physically or psychologically abused me (unlike the doctor before him, ironically). And my 32 relation with him was mostly uneventful.

But I need a new psychiatrist. To sign my disability forms, if nothing else. One of my doctors gave me the name of a doctor in a nearby city. I have reached out to him. But he hasn't gotten back to me yet.

 

People have been complaining I'm sometimes a little late. Doctors, and librarians now for some reason. But I can't help it. I have mobility issues, Cerebral Palsy and focus and memory issues due to Schizotypal Personality Disorder. And I'm not getting younger.

And now I'm going to be using a catheter for the rest of my life. Probably making me even later now.

 

No one in this situation is working in my best interests, or anyone else's. And they all have to play along. In 1992, my court appointed lawyer was acting silly too. I still remember, saying on the witness stand. He saw me wearing plastic gloves, and he thought they might lead to infection and death too. (And it was a packed courtroom. I'm still wondering what onlookers thought.) He knew what he was doing was wrong, and he wasn't working for my or anyone else's best interests.

And the Michigan Attorney General send me a letter saying. If I want to challenge my cousin's reckless, secret guardianship, hire a lawyer. Maybe one who works pro bono, if you can't afford one. I sent her back a reply. A lawyer would never help me. Even if I could afford one, even a good one. He'd have to play along. I'm completely denied access to the justice system. And no one can even tell me why.

But you know, this country's moronic mental health and civil commitment laws. They don't just harm the mentally ill. They are used against our senior citizens sometimes too. Just remember that everyone, as you get older.

 

Another thing too about my situation is the urgency. I need this secret guardianship ended now. That Olanzapine has cause permanent damage to the nerves in my feet, my doctors tell me. And I don't even need it. My psychiatrist told me last year that it wasn't even his idea to put me on psychiatric drugs. My mother insisted on it, because she thought it would be better if I took them for the rest of my life. The personal opinion of a layman like her can override all medical judgment and authority, in this country. And my therapist seems to indicate, or at least hint, I might be under some secret court order to take it too. And that I might get in trouble if I didn't. My doctors seems to hint too, I should be careful about that. What would happen to me if I stopped taking Olanzapine and it was discovered. In 1992, I was reading some pamphlet about mental health laws in Michigan. It said in one sentence that you could sometimes be penalized for medical noncompliance if you were taking psychiatric drugs. I pointed it out to my mother and asked her what that meant. She said, think nothing of it.

The damage to my feet is permanent. I obvious have some nerve damage in my right hand my doctors don't know about or haven't told me about. I went to a place in July for therapy for the peripheral neuropathy in my feet. The lady there ran a bunch of tests. And then she came back to the room I was in and told me with a pleasant smile the tests showed no neuropathy in my legs or feet. Nothing was wrong, that she could tell. Perhaps I just had some permanent, but minor, nerve damage, she said. My doctors started telling me after that I most certainly do still have neuropathy in my feet. She was lying to me. A place I never went before. People I never met. They were were in on the deception.

The office of the Michigan Attorney General told me to just reach out to a lawyer. Some work for free she told me, and she gave me a website. I sent her back a reply, and told her. I can't reach out to anyone, anywhere. Everyone has to play along with this 32-year-long deception. I'm denied all access to the legal system. All access. A lawyer would never handle my case. Not even to enforce my rights, never to correct an injustice. It doesn't matter that my life and safety are at risk. If not now, than with anymore permanent damage that Olanzapine does to me as I get older. Because everyone, everywhere has to play along with the deception. Everyone in my life knows now the damage to my feet is permanent and I am at risk for more damage even as we speak. But they don't care and nothing being done. And now my cousin seems so happy and complacent again. Like a burden has been lifted from him. Like he was going to be stopped or get in trouble. But not anymore. That's all I know, because no one ever tells me anything. All my doctors are forced back into silence now for some reason.

This is all based on the notion I can't make my own medical decisions. I think I can. Read what I said above. I think that Olanzapine, and this situation, are damaging and endangering me. The court system in my state, and everyone else in my life, think apparently it isn't. Or if they do, they are okay with it. And the secrecy, as my therapist hints, goes back to my childhood. The secrecy in my life began to hide the mistakes of other people in my life. Their abuse of me. Abuse of me, like when my second grade teacher slapped me and almost ruptured my eardrum. And now the secrecy is still there probably to hide more mistakes, I suspect. Or some people like the court system in my state don't get in trouble and aren't held accountable for how they mishandled my case right from the start.

I told the attorneys general, of Michigan and the United States, I would wait till January. That would be long enough I said to have this matter resolved. I don't think I can even wait for that. I am being damaged and put in danger now. And I don't even know what is going on. It's all a secret. As I told the AG's, and others, if the court in my county at least tried to make it seem that they had resolved the matter. Said that my cousin is no longer my secret legal guardian, IOW. At least I would know my claims were taken seriously and they had done something. I don't know why I'd want that. But I will never trust courts in my county or state ever again, I will always assume they are deceiving me. But if they at least did that.

Because as I have been telling the people in my life recently. For the past 32 years I have been signing fake and forged documents. For all I know I haven't even been really voting. Maybe in my country that seems all right for the mentally ill. But the mental health laws in my country, and things like civil commitment and declaring people unable to make their own decisions. It can be used against the old and senile too. And, I tell them, you're not getting any younger. What if you family does that to you someday? Have you declared under guardianship, secretly and behind your back? And then have you sign fake documents while they make reckless decisions behind your back? And how would you even know? It can be done with extreme secrecy, and everyone would be in on it. And if I can be done to me. I am not and have never been a danger to myself or others. I have never even spent the night in jail. If can be done so easily to me, it can be done to anyone. Think about it.

 

You know I tell people in this situation, how would you like it if your family did that to you when you got much older, but just a little infirm? Enough to qualify for help, under the law. Maybe just if you maneuver and work the system, like they did with me in 1992. Or maybe just in your state, or because of some quirk in the law. Someway the law could take away people's freedom and independence. But the law is just never enforced that way. And then you suspected something was very wrong. And then you reach out for help, like I did to that charity group that gives legal aid to people who are handicap. And when you do, like she did with me, the lady on the other end of the telephone will lie to you by saying. No, no, they'll say. I am looking at your file right now. It just popped up on my computer screen. And I can assure you, you're under no secret legal guardianship, sir. Your family loves you, sir. Don't worry about it. And I'd know if it was happened. Something would have popped up now. But it didn't, it didn't. So you were denied all access to the legal system, like they are doing to me now. You don't mind it happening to me. But would you feel the same if it happened to you, I ask them. Because the mental health code in this country is used against unwanted elderly people too.

You know, maybe it would a good thing if it did happen to them that way, like it is to me. Anyone here a relative of someone who works in the court system in my state? Metro Detroit, MI of course. Hey, when they get older, and they become a bother to you, you can do this. And they'll never know. Because everyone will be in on the deception. Even their lawyer will be. He won't be able to help them even LOL. So why not do it then? Might teach them a lesson. And anyone else following my case.

 

Obviously by "maneuver and work the system" I didn't mean do anything illegal. It's just the way the law works in Michigan apparently. When a relative, mentally ill or very old, becomes a burden to you, you can have him given a secret guardianship. Then make important decisions behind his back. And even his lawyer would be able to help him, because he'll be part of the deception. You may have to do that some day. Go for it.

 

I certainly am your ally. Please never hesitate to reach out to any asset to get the help you need!

One of my go to remedies is exercise, but also hotlines. I call and ask to talk for one minute or two, and I tell them what I think is going on; sometimes I misinterpret people around me...

And it helps! There is one national resource in America, 9-8-8. They are a suicide prevention team, but they're also able to help (for a short expressive conversation of a few minutes (since the scope of their service is supposed to be dedicated to literally 'suicide prevention') with emotional dissatisfaction.

 

I'm not suicidal.

 

Also, they were supposed to be doing some serious guardianship reform in Michigan. Starting in early 2024. Well, if you've been following my case, nothing has changed at all with me. Everything seems business as usual once again. Especially the past couple of weeks or so.

I know sometimes laws like this in the legislature in Michigan, are stalled. By the Republicans, basically. Or maybe the new laws haven't taken effect yet. But in either case, the new laws, if any, haven't helped me.

If that's the case, and you live in Michigan, maybe you should email your representative. Tell him you heard of my case, and are worried the same thing could happen to you some day.

 

BTW. Anybody know what became of guardianship reform in Michigan? I haven't been following it that closely. When do the new laws take effect. Next year?

 

You know I keep telling the court in Michigan, and others, and my doctor, about what is wrong with this secret legal guardian nonsense. (And they all, including my doctors, and therapist, tell me. There is no secret legal guardian over you. We can't solve that problem for you, they tell me, because there is no such problem. In other words, it's been two years now, and as far as I know, nothing is being done.) But I also bring up with them the fact, this nonsense could be used in other ways. I have been signing fake legal forms for 32 years. I have been entering nonexistent contracts, where the other party (including the message board I got kicked off two years ago I think) were in on the scam. And that commitment trial I went to in 1992. It was a sham. There was no trial then. It was just for my benefit. And everyone, including my court-appointed attorney, was acting silly. What did the onlookers think? Only after that, the nonsense has continued for 32 years. But people were no longer acting silly. So I no longer knew.

But I tell the court and others, you know how this could be used. Sham legal proceedings? Fake legal documents? Verdicts that were made when you weren't around. It could be used in custody disputes for example. And they could lead you along. Keep postponing your court date, for example. Show you fake legal documents, that seem to indicate the matter is being looked into and handled by the court. When you've already been denied custody. And then if you reached out to a lawyer, even a free legal aid organization that normally helps people in your position, they'd just have to play along. And mislead you too. Because that's legal Michigan. To have fake legal documents and proceedings. Even though I think that could never be justified or right.

Why? I am not a danger to myself or others. People will noticed I have been posting on the internet uninterrupted since 2001. Because I've never even been in jail. I rarely have been in a psychiatric ward. And they joked my loose-fitting plastic gloves would lead to "infection and death", to point out that they thought the fact I attempted suicide twice, in 1989 and 2004, made me unfit to make my own decisions. And made secrecy necessary in my life. The medical and mental health professionals, and many others, were the ones who drove me to think that suicide was the only option those two times. Because they told me I'd be locked away in places for the rest of my where the pain would never end. And then my doctor in 1989 told me that the reason why I attempted suicide then was because I was morally weak. Even though I told the court I had absolutely no doubt then that it is what he did, specifically July 8, 1989, that led directly to my suicide attempt July 16th. I had no doubt then, and I have no doubt now. And he must have known that too. But he told me it was all my fault. And secrecy is what led partly to my two suicide attempts. That and fearing I'd be locked away in some place like perhaps a jail cell, on a psychiatric hold. But the court thinks that's the solution to that fear. Make it easier to lock me in such a place. But don't tell me. And if I find out more, mislead me.

As I said, it's been a couple of years since my doctors warned me of all of this, and since I tried to do what I could. And as far as I know, nothing is being done. Not that I would know if it had.

 

I do have to tell you, that place I went to in July for therapy for the peripheral neuropathy in my feet. It seemed like a nice place. The staff at the front desk were getting fast food for the patients there, many of them in wheelchairs and using crutches. And many poor, I guess, if they needed food that way. So I don't know what possesses people to go along with a deception like that. And what their ultimate opinion is of it, or their unwilling role in it. I just know if they do that to me, they can do that to anyone. Have a secret guardian for over 30 years, have you sign fake legal documents. And even the lawyers and free legal aid you reach out have to be part of the deception.

And as I said, I never even spent the night in jail. Now this approach might seem more justified, for mental patients and the elderly who are agitated and even violent. But, no. Having you think your part of legal proceedings that are shams and sign legal forms that are fake. People should always be able to trust our legal system, and that it isn't fake. Like I tell people, if a man walks into a court with a gun, the judge might lie to him for to preserve human life. But once they subdue him and put in a cell, they tell him, gently, it was a lie what the judge said. In the US legal system they could never do this to an accused criminal, ironically. Because the Sixth Amendment says:

"In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense."​

Informed of the nature and cause of the accusation. I was never accused of a crime, so they didn't have to even tell me what was going on. In the US, the accused and criminals have more rights than the mentally ill and handicapped sometimes.

 

But I have to say, I agree I need a little help. I was deprived of oxygen at birth. And it did cause brain damage. Damage to the part of my brain responsible for movement, resulting in Cerebral Palsy. I did still go to normal schools with normal kids. The lady who used to help me out hinted people back then were often secretly routed into certain programs and levels. But that doesn't happen anymore. I don't know. I might still have some slight intellectual impairment. Since 1991, I've always thought if I had any it was very slight. I need a little help and always will. But my problems are complex. Focus, memory, mental fatigue, etc. And sometimes I don't know what my problems are. Some days of the year I seem smarter. Much smarter. But just that day. And my handwriting is exceptional legible that day. I don't know what that is all about.

But I think my main strength is I am not ashamed to reach out help, and admit I need it. And as I told my 2022 therapist, I will accept pity. If I deserve it, if I need it, if the person can easily give it to me. And I think that's a strength too, believe it or not. You know my father couldn't handle the bills after my mother died. And reportedly that led to his first nervous breakdown. I don't know though. Paying bills is a lot easier than I thought. I have to pay the water bill only. Everything else is on auto-pay. But I have no problem. Everything now is set up to help me financially and with the more complicated stuff handled by my legal guardian and a couple of other people.

I know the main thing is to know who to reach out to. When I was a kid, I asked my mother. How do you sell a house. She said you reach out to a real estate agent. Rarely do people sell their own houses. It's too complicated, she told me. The only problem is, when I need someone new to help me. Any new advisor especially, they never return my phone calls or emails. You know, people end up homeless because people are that rude.

Anyways, I agree I probably will always need a little help. But I want to be part of the process always. Nothing secret and nothing behind my back, ever again.

 

You know, starting right at HS I think, people told me I was smart. They couldn't believe how smart I was. The book report I did, my teachers said. It was brilliant. I don't know. I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder and OCD. And long story short, I think both make me tend to repeat myself in things like book reports. Especially back then, I thought. But okay, I thought at the time. How nice of her to say. I don't know though. The program I was going to in 1988 and 9 was trying to convince me I looked mentally deficient to everyone though.

Anyways, since 1991, I have assumed I am definitely not smart. I don't know what I am though. Probably somewhere in the normal range. But I know my own limitations. If I wasn't sure in some situation or doing something, I would never assume then I was smart. No one should.