Please be patient reading this. I assure you it applies to this forum. I met a girl when I was in the Punk scene in the 80s who was just adorable. She had pretty green eyes and bleach blonde hair, was thin, about a foot shorter than me and had a smile that I swear was like sunshine. Every time I saw her, even if my day was bad or my mood down, she would smile, and everything changed. It was like the world dropped away when I was with her. It wasn't infatuation or obsession. I genuinely connected with her on a level I've never connected with anyone since. She was fascinating, intelligent, full of life and always found light even in the darkest moments. After dating for two years, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Chrissy. I bought an engagement ring, and after taking her to dinner we went to her favorite spot in a nearby park. It was on a high hill overlooking the city lights. The stars were clear in the sky when I said to her, "Chrissy, you know I love you, right?" "Yes.", she said with that smile. She took my hand in hers. "And I love you too." "I've thought for a long time about what I'm going to say", I said nervously. "I admit, this scares me because I'm worried it might be too soon for you, but I have to say it." I knelt on one knee in the classic style, holding her hand. Her face grew serious from the realization of what I was about to say. "Chrissy, will you marry me?" Tears exploded from her eyes and her body began to shake. "Shit.", she said, dropping her head. "I need to tell you something that will make you change your mind." She was sobbing now. "Nothing you can say will change my mind." "Don't say that, Jake. You don't know what it is. I'm so sorry for keeping it from you. I never meant for this to happen or to hurt you." I stood up and pulled her into my arms, comforting her. Her tears just kept flowing and she kept begging me to forgive her. My thoughts were now running in the direction that she had cheated on me. "Just tell me, Chrissy.", I said gently. "Okay,", she said with a wavering voice, "If you get angry, please don't hurt me." "Hurt you?", I said incredulously. "I'll never hurt you. Nothing could be that bad." She looked into my eyes and blurted it out. "I was born male. I mean...I have male parts. Fuck, fuck, fuck." She hit herself in the head over and over until I grabbed her arms. I won't lie and say I wasn't shocked, because I was. Nothing about her indicated masculinity. Nothing. "Chrissy..", I whispered. "I love you, no matter how you were born." She looked up at me. "Really? You're not just saying that?" "I'm not just saying that. And my proposal stands." She jumped into my arms, hugging me and telling me how much she loved me. Fast forward a few months later. We're now living together and planning the wedding. I had joined the Army to establish a career to take care of my future wife and would be leaving for Basic in a week. We set a date for the wedding right after Basic and I arranged for my paychecks to be deposited into our joint account so she could pay bills and pay for wedding plans. Throughout Basic she wrote me at least once a week. They were book length letters, which I appreciated. We would talk on the phone every Sunday and discuss how the wedding arrangements were going. Right around the 6th week of Basic the letters stopped coming and when I called the apartment she never answered. Then she didn't show up for my graduation from Basic training. Of course, everyone around me said my girl dumped me while I was gone. A very common occurrence in the military. I went home during the two weeks in which our wedding was to take place and found that her things were gone from the apartment. It was like she vanished. I drove to her mother's place in the neighboring state & knocked on the door. "Jake!", her mother said surprised. "Where's Chrissy?", I asked abruptly. "You didn't hear?", she said with a very pained expression. "Hear what?", I said growing nervous. "The Red Cross was supposed to get a message to you. Jake, Chrissy was killed in an auto accident. A drunk driver hit her." My world collapsed. For the first time in my life, I cried so hard I felt like I wanted to die. My best friend, my lover, my fiance, my sunshine was gone. Love, my friends, has no gender identity.
Thanks. I don't think one ever gets over such a loss. It seems to me the best one can do is look for happiness again.
