My Husband's So Bad In Bed, It Makes Me Want To Cheat

I'm just going to be as honest as I possibly can, even though I feel messed up for thinking these things. I just got married a year ago. I'm 23 and I feel like I got married too young because the thought of never having sex with anyone else ever again is daunting to me. I also feel like I'm trapped, with no freedom. Sometimes, I feel like I ruined my life by marrying my husband and I was too young to make such a big decision. I just want to have fun and this marriage this is no fun and all work.

I would never say this to someone in person cause I don't want to sound full of myself but since it's anonymous, I'll just say the truth...I'm a really attractive girl. I'm a redhead with an itty bitty waist and wear a DDD bra. They're all natural. I keep in really good shape. People tell me I look like Christina Hendricks, with a more attractive face. I've been told by several people that I'm the most attractive woman they've ever seen. My husband is...well, he's overweight and becoming more so, after I married him. I know people wonder how we ended up together, when they see the two of us together and that's a little embarrassing. They don't know that he's incredibly smart and the nicest person I know.

Well, anyways. I get a lot of attention from guys, everywhere I go and from much more attractive men than my husband. There is a trainer at my gym who looks like a Greek God who is obviously into me. He can't take his eyes off of me, which is incredibly flattering. I had to stop going to the gym cause I was having wet dreams of him like every night and I didn't want to wake up from them. I mean...I would LOVE to have sex with him...I mean, really really love to...but I also want to be a loyal wife and stay true to my commitments. My husband loves me a lot and even though I have these thoughts, I love him too.

So our sex life is really lacking, which adds to the problem. Everything abut it is wrong. He's so...vanilla and into routines. It's the same thing over and over with no deviation. He keeps doing the same things that don't feel good in bed. When he eats me out, it feel like he's stabbing my clit and no matter how much I try to direct him, he just doesn't get it. He pokes it right on the most sensitive part, when I'm not ready, which makes me jump through the roof...in a bad way. He thinks he's warming me up but by the time we get the foreplay out of the way, I'm so tight the sex hurts. That brings us to the next problem. He has a big dick which is good but also, I can't take it all the way in. He likes to be on top but if he is, he sticks it in all the way and I can't get away. I'm not warmed up so my vagina is tight and small at this point. It feels like he's going to break through my cervix. Sometimes, I even bleed. I just close my eyes and pray it ends quickly (which it usually does). I try so hard not to cry even though it's legitimately painful. As awful as it is, I do want to have a sexual relationship with him and try to make it better. I'm always the one initiating. He never initiates which makes me feel like he doesn't desire me. He's so awkward in bed too. I always have to direct him and call the shots. He's not into trying anything risky or new.

So here's what I want: I want the passion and rush of having sex with someone new. I want to tease someone to the breaking point. I'd like to be picked up and tossed on a bed. Or hell, have sex in a spot where we might get caught. I wish someone would take their time and touch, lick and suck every inch of my body. I want them to spread my ass apart, open me wide and look inside me for the first time like its the most sexy thing they've ever seen. I want them to eat me out with some skill and take directive. For him to be gentle but make me do what he wants. I wish he'd moan in my ear and tell me how sexy I am, how much he wants me.

I'm so bummed I can't have that and I might not have it ever again in my life. I just feel like...it's a lot to give up. The more time that goes on, the more I want it.

 

Why did you marry this man if you aren't sexually compatible with him? Did you get caught up in the fairy tale?

 

Ugh, it's a really long story. Basically, I was raped so we didn't have sex for a really, really long time cause I wasn't ready and he was big enough of a man to wait, which is probably the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. I fell in love with him so once we did have sex, I couldn't just leave. I was in love with him for the incredible guy he is which trumped how he was in bed...but sex is more important than I previously realized, especially as time goes on.

 

Did you get married young to meet expectations?

Sounds to me like you could do what you want but would lose your husband. I get the feeling he's not going to share you.

I am guessing you could live with your unfulfilled desires and let it slowly wear you down or get a divorce and not cheat.

Lot's of people get divorces.

 

I am really sorry that you were sexually assaulted. Have you talked to your husband about how you are feeling? Perhaps the two of you could go to marriage counseling?

One thing that I have learned after two and a half years of marriage, is how important it is to make an effort to stay attractive to your spouse. Many people, after getting married, stop taking care of themselves. They gain weight, stop exercising, stop shaving, ect. It sounds like your man might be headed down this road. Have you suggested working out together? Perhaps if he lost some of the weight, you would start to feel more attracted to him again.

 

Get a divorce sooner than later.

 

Just talk to him. Tell him what you told us. Or maybe let him read this. I'm all about honesty. So, I think a lot of things can be solved in any given relationship if the parties involved were just upfront with one another. Of course, be respectful. Don't do all the talking, I'm sure he is struggling too. And most definitely, don't bring this up when you two are having sex. Lol! Bring it up at a time when you two can devote all your time and effort to solely talking and listening to one another.

Also, I have to ask... are you sure the need for all this sex isn't a result of your sexual assault? I'm just asking because when I encountered my sexual assult I was all about sex, and then one day it hit me... hard how much I didn't want sex. Now, I'm trying to collect a happy medium, because I don't think I'm one of those people that thinks sex is one, if not the most important thing nor am I one of those people that hates sex and find sex disgusting. I'm in the middle, for lack of better wording. However, when it comes to sexual assaults a lot of people really want sex afterwards or they don't want it at all. So, it's hard to tell if any given desire is yours or that of your sexual assult. Basically, make sure your sexual desires are yours, and not that of the sexual assault. Hopefully, I'm making sense. I'm in physical pain right now, so my focus is not so focused, lol.

Anyways, best of luck. You two sound like you love one another, so I'm sure that with some time and effort, on both your parts... things will get better.

 

This first time you had sex, was it AFTER you got married by any chance?

 

I think the problem from what she wrote is that he sucks at pleasuring her. Some men just won't listen to what their partner wants. Too busy thinking with their smaller head.

 

You get one shot at life, but you can be gone at any time. To be dead happens to stretch into a very long time, from what I hear. Act accordingly.

 

We are in counseling. I'm just having a hard time bringing stuff like this up cause he shuts down so easily. I know how big of a blow it would be to his confidence. When he feels that way, he just stops engaging with me romantically or physically or at all really. I'm just glad he agreed to go to counseling...know he just has to get to the point where we can talk about the hard stuff. He's just so closed off, which is quite opposite of me.

 

Ugh yeah, the first time we had sex was after we were married. I know how dumb that was. Rape ruins a lot of things.

 

Some guys are just better at making love than other guys are; just like some guys are smarter or sweeter than other guys are.

Think seriously about what your priorities are.

Sexual fantasies are often difficult to replicate in real life no matter who the man is. Most men don't think about it the same way women do.

You might find that no man ever measures up to your fantasy.

On the other hand, if you are experiencing pain you need to speak up. If he is inexperienced who is going to help him learn but you?

If you've decided you love him like a brother, nothing about him sexually is ever going to feel right to you.

It sounds like you have alot of soul searching to do, and then some growing toward being more brave about admitting your feelings and expressing them...whatever they are.

 

You're very right. I guess it didn't help that the guy I was with before him literally fulfilled every fantasy I had. He was literally on point in bed, every time. I know it's out there and am keenly aware that I don't have that right now. I would of never married him though. He didn't have the aspirations I do or the kind soul I was looking for. So I definitely put intellect, drive and kindness above sexual performance.

I don't think the problem is so much that I'm not good at speaking up, it's that I don't feel like I can talk to him cause he shuts down every time we have a hard conversation. I've tried to talk to him about it and he just stopped wanting to have sex at all. Since then, he has never initiated...this was like a year ago. So I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells so I don't hurt his feelings and he doesn't completely shut me out. So there are bigger issues that, once resolved, will help our sex life I'm hoping.

 

Yea, I agree... it sounds like the issues are bigger than not being physically attracted to him and/or that he is unskilled at sex.

I really hope you two figure it out.

 

So basically straight after you got married???



Ok, you are probably going to call me an a-hole, but heres why he both shuts down and doesnt initiate now:



There was this reason you were unable to have sex with him until AFTER he signed the marriage certificate, but then pretty much straight after you got married he has now found out you were never physically attracted to him....and in part you are complaining the sex is crap , to him as well I assume.

You dont see how this might all sound like to him? Seriously?


Also to him, are you doing the same things as you did in this thread, referring to other guys as "much more handsome" than him, talking about guys like this trainer at the gym around your husband?

 

so where is Mr wonderful now? How come he didn't marry you?
I think your husband sounds ok tbh, I think if he was a bad husband, he would get out of your marriage before you completely fuck his head up!
How can he satisfy you, when you have already been to your fantasies with someone else?
Why did you marry him?

 

My husband is quick to jump to his own defense if I ever try to make any suggestion that he could do something differently and it would turn out better. Anything. He even internalizes things I say that aren't about him and in his mind turns it into me criticizing him. He doesn't shut down like your husband. He gets nasty and irate.

In my husband's case, I think it comes from him feeling guilty that something has displeased me and he knows that he hasn't done the best "job" he could do.

Maybe your husband feels the same way.

My husband knows what pleases me and what displeases me. I'm not talking about bedroom - just everyday stuff. He knows when he isn't pulling his weight around the house. He has excuses - some valid, some not. It's the guilt that causes him to become defensive.

I think it's the guilt that causes your husband to shut down. I think he doesn't know how to please you and he feels guilt about being inadequate.

With your husband's sensitivity in that area, you need to be careful how you approach the topic of sex. You don't want him to feel guilty and inadequate about something he needs help with.

Maybe you could buy a set of books, or a set of dvds, on the topic of pleasing your partner. Make it fun. Buy one for you, the woman; and one for him, the man.

He cannot learn if he is not taught. He will not learn if his feelings are hurt about it. You have to tip toe your way around him not feeling criticized about it.

That's my two cents from someone who is 56 years old and sees alot in hindsight.

 

I would never tell him those things. I don't talk about past sex with anyone or tell him more attractive men are into me. Like I said, I'm sharing things on here that I've never shared with anyone. When I talked to him about the problems in bed, here's how it went: I waited until we were not in bed or having sex because that's not the right time to bring anything up. I casually asked him to not flick his tongue on my clit cause it hurts and suggested some other techniques that feel good. Then, I told him the things he does that ARE good and that he turns me on. I didn't want to mention everything at once. I wanted to first bring up one thing so he didn't feel like I was attacking him in any way. He still got all depressed, wouldn't look me in the eye and completely stopped trying from that day forward. I really think this is more about his need to be perfect at things than me.

 

Also, I AM physically attracted to him. He might be heavy but the night I met him, there were sparks everywhere. I had my eye on him the whole night. The problem is SEX with him does not feel good and he's also letting himself go, after we got married. He used to play waterpolo professionally and was in damn good shape. Girls used to be crazy about him. But since then, he put on 60lbs and lost all his muscle tone. He has an extremely attractive face though and I can still see it behind the weight. It just sucks that I'm busting my ass to look good for him still and it seems to me like he feels like he doesn't have to try for me anymore. And honestly, I was very surprised when I had sex with him and it wasn't good. He dances so well. We used to go dancing all the time and I was like DAMN. The man can turn up the heat on the dance floor.