my first dance with lucy...

just listening to the radio was a totally new experience. it was a pretty chill station (KBOO FM) in portland. the dj seemed to share my exact state of mind. I wondered if it was a station specifically intended for someone who took lsd that day.

if you're wondering what's with all the circumstantial details?...sorry it's for my own sake, because trivial events spark specific psychedelic thoughts that I had at the time. the only way to remind myself of some things is to associate them with otherwise meaningless stuff.

our bag once we got to portland was we didn't want to go to his parents house in our condition (not having conversed normally for a long time), but we couldn't get a hold of anyone cuz C's phone died. so we went knocking on doors of friends he had. he said he felt a bit overwhelmed by the responsibility of finding a venue for ourselves, with which I empathized, after picking up the campground and driving...but now I was a care free kid, and told C not even to worry and i would b happy sitting on a curb somewhere. the world was so new to me that what would normally have been interminably boring was now amazing and captivating. even manmade objects...everything fit and glided together.

we found accomodations at a solid brother's abode. I will call him J. when I first looked at him after he greeted me, I couldn't think of what I would normally say in that situation, and all I said was "you look so refined...like pure Israel..." to which he pumped his fists...(2 b cont.)

 

J's house is in a semi-rural area. He had proposed that we trip at his house, but wanted to respect my vulnerability as a first timer and my insistence on being secluded from society as much as I could. After this first acid trip of mine I concluded that an acidhead could very easily trip well in a city or a house. This prejudice of mine was based on my dozens of shroom experiences: I had never tripped well near the city; I needed isolation in nature. It's a big difference between the two drugs, as far as my own responses can tell. J's backyard is about an acre and would have been great for tripping, but I had been outdoors in the rain for 2 straight days, I wanted to groove on the indoor vibe.

There were two other dudes in his room; I think they were picking up some greens, but they were cool and hung out a bit. As I found out later, one of the kids had made an enjoyable habit of sitting in the same spot in the room, and making fun of C the whole time he was there. But this day, C was fragile and childlike, and this kid didn't want to provoke someone in the act of tripping, so I guess he had nothing else to do and took his dub sack and departed.

The other fellow was an honest brother, who was curious about me losing my lsd virginity. He was impressed that I'd taked 2 doses, when I thought that was a weak amount and I had wanted to take 3 or 4 (I think the 2 doses together had 300+ ug). He said he was somewhat interested in acid, but had been turned off of that sort of thing when his mushroom trips starting going sour consistently.

It took me a few moments to remember how to converse normally, and it was jumpstarted when had I suggested that LSD and shrooms are not "hard" drugs, and the C-derider demurred to that statement, stating that they are just as hard as any other drug, since they impair motor function just as much. Even in my normal state of mind I would have found that a pretty unusual way to define "hard drug," but after a confusing cocophony of thoughts and impulses ricocheted around my head, I managed "I guess it depends on how you define 'hard drug'." Normally I'm a fairly good debator, and I guess I needed to fish out that part of my personality which was buried down somewhere in the depths of my delapidated ego. This is what jumpstarted my normal rapid-fire conversational faculty, without sacrificing psychedelia.

So I informed this brother that it's common to get bored with shrooms, esp. if you do them frequently, which he said he didn't. He asked me whether I thought LSD was more similar to shrooms or to ecstasy. I hadn't considered this question before, and thinking of the electric way I felt, the clear-mindedness, loquacity, and unconditional love virtually oozing out my pores, I suggested that LSD would have to be more similar to the E than to shrooms. He was pleasantly surprised at this, I assume because he preferred E over booms (this is all assuming common lower-grade shrooms, which are all most of us have had). I remember seeing acid as pretty similar to shrooms, but then I tried it. I like how someone put it that shrooms are analog and acid is digital. I often felt messy or droopy on shrooms, like I didn't feel comfortable in my skin. But on acid it was like I had shed my old skin and developed a new super-skin, that fit better than before. In that sense L is very similar to E, your body feels pretty much good all over. Also, shrooms seemed to make me very impressionable. Like I would be having a good trip somewhere and a change of scene alone would turn my trip sour, but with L I was tripping well and I continued to trip well, no matter where I was. I had control over my surroundings, with shrooms my surroundings controlled me. I like shrooms, I prolly just need higher doses. In the end, I admonished my friend that if he should ever be offered acid, buy it straight away, and then think about it. Sit on it, studying and preparing yourself, and it will lead to good things.

So we sat there passing around J's 30 inch bong filled with either blueberry indica or nirvana special. J was watching the show Dexter, but it didn't bother me, I mostly looked at art books and made crazy comments to C. There was an oversized poster of Jimi Hendrix wearing a hat with a full brim and some sorta native american jewelry. As I stared at his face, he made any expression my mind told him to, but when I blinked, he would return to his stoic expression. I felt that Jimi Hendrix somehow knew me and kinda thought I was the man. It was like he was telling me I had arrived, if you know what that means...

the painting is by Jacob van Ruisdael. I saw it in Amsterdam and it had a unique hilarity about it in my state. I wish I could find that Jimi poster online, but I guess it's a rare one.

 

Only thing I can say is again: I am so proud of you.
And this is your first trip, you just entered the shellow water, wait until you start diving in the deep see of nature's perfection, when you start exploring the universe deep inside us witch is part of a bigger picture, when you turn everything inside out and vice versa.....in a few words, when you surround yourself.
Well done, and keep up the good work!

 

hey thanks; I was pondering whether to take these other two windowpanes at night and initiate an introverted psy. experience. my closed eye visuals were brilliant and I didn't even try. I wonder if I can allow them to escalate into proper edifying visions. my friend C shared his extra hit with J yesterday and they had fun but it was nothing like two doses. C is already talking about finding more L. I encourage this attitude

 

I also encourage that attitude!
Just one small warning, witch is not even warning, more like an advice.
Please don't expect the next trip to be the same as previous. Thats the mistake everybody does in the beggining. Just let lucy lead you through. You might have the feeling in the beggining that it is not that strong like first time, even with the same dose, but that is not true. What is actually happening is that you are getting used on the things that were so fantastic first time, but they were introducing you to something else. And if you are trying force those things, you will be disapointed, plus you wont see "other" things that lucy is showing you. You were right actually, it was not Lucy, it was always deep inside you, but Lucy is removing some barriers that we build around our consciousnes, and once they are removed, they are removed. Usually everybody notices and connects lucy with visuals, but there is more, witch is even more difficult to explain by words. All I want to say is, every trip is special and there is no 2 same trips, so don't search for the previous trip, start like it is your first time, open to everything. You will know what I mean after next trip, I simply know that you will with mind and soul like that. I put soul there on purpose, usually first trips work on mind, so you can find the soul, after that soul is next.
Much love!

 

cool. yeah that's something I learned: some expectations must be undercut, its just part of lsd. I also found that you're going to learn something whether you want to or not, and you're not going to learn anything if your trip is the same as last time. it's this reason why you can't adequately instill expectations to someone about to trip. you have to be humbled, surprised, it's part of the thrill of it no matter how many times you've tripped, imo

 

As I was sitting on the padded chair in J's room, I noticed there was a lot going on in that room. Firstly he had suspended some chili pepper lights along the top of a window. I found it amusing that one of my first closed-eye visuals at the camp was of these exact chili peppers, and now I was in a room I'd never been in (this was J's new house) and I'm seeing actual chili peppers. Not that miraculous, maybe a coincidence; I didn't care. What was most appealing about them was that I could feel my core feeding itself on the electricity of the lights. I was sensitive to electricity, and there was a lot of it in this rooom, and I could feel all of it funnel into my body. It was quite amazing and enjoyable. I asked C whether he felt the same, and he did. It was like I was a lightning rod or some electrical conductor. I felt that despite my unprecedented physical exertions of the previous two days, my body was syphoning off the energy from all the universal energy that surrounded me, and that room was a hotspot for it. I never felt weary, even the next day and the succeeding days, although I would lack energy for rountine activities; my mind was just busy with other things.

J's black dog was in the room. Despite my normal disinclination to pets, I had always taken exception to this animal. He had a graceful subservience, like he was submissive toward you, but not because he feared you, but because he respected you or something. And he seldom gets excited, which is a recurring complaint of mine about most housedogs. And that day he looked spectacularly beautiful. I hadn't noticed it before but he was like an independent and majestic black seal, even had a shiny coat. I didn't exchange any literal thoughts with him, but he would look into my eyes, and...it just seemed like we were equals. He understood me and I him. I instantly felt that he would inhabit another form in another life, and I had taken his form in a previous life. I envisioned myself as a pet dog, with simple demands and simple pleasures. Always looking around for the one person who owned me, knowing that person is the only one who knows what I need, and that's all I need. It was a beautiful thought, but mostly because that life is a stepping stone to another.

It was too bad that J was watching shows; he normally has fairly unique things to discuss, and I was in a state in which I wanted to share the beauty and wonder, but C and I still maintained contact. We had tea and gummi fish.

I continued in my amazement at how chill I was in this environment compared to if I had been on shrooms. There was a show about murder on, and J's roommate was loud and would engage in shouting matches with J when he'd go into the kitchen. THat would been so hard to enjoy myself if it were a typical shroom trip, but now it was just pretty much hilarious. This roommate is someone who I'd normally be quick to judge; takes a lot of antipsychotics and opiates and just seemed pretty incoherent and quite insane. But I appreciated insanity then, and the love I felt excluded no one.

I had gone to the bathroom and to the kitchen a few times. I looked in the mirror expecting to appear very dirty and unkempt from camping. But I looked incredibly clean, inside and out. It was a look I'd never had before; instead of light in the room bouncing off of me, there was light within me shining through. I stared at my face, expecting it to morph or something. But it didn't...just the way I normally look, but with a profound purity. I was feeling a bit too proud of myself, so I did somthing else.

The kitchen seemd to be like a different dimension. It was like a brilliant white laboratory. The tile patterns went running through me, making me sense that the universe has a geometric basis. When C fired up the burner on the stove, my insides churned-the fire had returned to us. I indicated as much to C, who found it cool I think. Normally I wouldn't think much of it, but there was a lot of meaning in the campfire before, and it was cool that it made an encore pres. (2 b cont.)

 

I doodled a picture on the etch-a-sketch on the fridge. it wasn''t much, but i'd never drawn anything like it. there was also a holographic big gulp cup which featured superman flying into my face. that was alright. the light fixture in the kitchen expressed its light in an elemental light pattern. I had to get J to confirm that there were actually rainbow colors all over the walls. he said yes, there is a prism in the light fixture. it was absolutely gorgeous.


back in J's room, I had the thought that I should take some oxy if I wanted sleep that night (i have chronic headaches and back pain). but eating them never seemed to get to the pain, probably stemming from my past tendency to insufflate powdered oxy intranasally, as a form of entertainment with friends (about which I welcome any criticism). but whatever the past was, I was just guy who couldn't sleep well without some manipulation, and that happened to be sniffin oxys

I didn't want to b a creep and just go do it furtively in the bathroom, plus I have a theory that the more open we are with our illicit drugs the less fuss people will put up about them (only do this if you are responsible and respected otherwise u won't give drugs a good name, hehe). so I matter-of-factly asked J whether to break that shit out in the open or go to the bathroom (i was willing to share). but alas I was relegated back to bathroom to do my dirty deed. he said he was uncomfortable seeing people snort things due to something in his background, plus another of his roommates is pretty straight and didn't want to risk her seeing that. I appreciated both reasons.

so after that I went back to art books and soaking up electricity. the oxy didn't douse my pleasant comedown, just relaxed me and relieved my head and neck pain (which actually weren't too bad cuz of the L). I just needed to get the drug in me far enough away from bedtime since whenever I take it close to bed I wake up with a stomach ache.

that's kindof a gross way to end this portion of the story, yet there it is...c u n a bit

 

So my commentary up till now has almost covered the whole timeline of the trip itself, not including added depth. I don't exactly know how I'm going to organize my thoughts after I conclude this version of events and feelings. There was a lot that I learned and felt, that can't be summed up in any number of posts. There were a few things that were overt revelations, often making me wonder how I never saw it that way before, but mostly my new attiitudes are a result of the intense and pure overflowing of absolute love and beauty (if that's even way to say it). Most of my life I've concentrated on literal thought, the power of comprehension, exact communication, treating matters of love and the heart as subservient and often obstructive to the rule of reason. And I pretty much am still that way, but before I didn't really allow the "irrational" feelings of love influence my dealings with others, except my wife and 2 kids, but mostly I confined it to the kids. And I felt an acute separation from the rest of humanity, preferring it that way. I tended to see others as painfully ignorant and not worth any effort from me, except to ones who show rational traits or potential.

I see all humankind a bit differently now. I don't feel like I'm way up here and they're all way down there. Their ignorance doesn't infuriate me anymore, just amuses me...as if they were children. Not that I have a patriarchal complex; more like an elder brother. I can't let people's lack of understanding bother me; it's just a lot of energy going into frustration when it could go into more constructive pursuits. And as the line in American Beauty goes "how can I stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world?"

I just needed to feel the brotherly and universal love that existed all around me but I coudn't ever sense cuz was so focused on what was going on in my head...I remember being inundated with a similar flow of love when I was sixteen, when I started thinking seriously about spiritual matters and humbling myself before an alleged creator. It was the same overwhelming gratitude for existence that made me do nothing but stare into the sky and sob, and felt a definite cleansing and a feeling of wanted to do only good to others. That was only about a thousandth of what I felt with the aid of lucy, but it was a strong and genuine motivational force.

The problem came when I thought that pure joy was maintained through adherence to conventional morality (more specifically, that of the mormon church. I even served the two-year mission). Looking back on it, the doctrine was terribly inward-focused, i.e. MY salvation, MY family, MY career, MY personal purity. Not to mention the only real mark of your righteousness is what you DON'T do, rather than what you do. I would basically be pure as long as I didn't do drugs, didn't have premarital relations, didn't swear, didn't shop on Sunday...the only really necessary "do" was pay your 10%tithing. And the only way you're supposed to look on a nonmormon, was to how to get them to join the mormon church. They pride themselves in being christlike because they take care of each other...r u serious?, gangsters take care of each other, you don't need to be too proud of that. You should be proud if you do the same for those who are vastly different, without expecting them to join your church.

I manipulated the pure love I once felt and tried to contain it in this type of dogma, believing I still had it with me, but all I ever actually felt was emotional responses triggered by the thought of family, heritage, culture. They think it's a difficult and noble thing to believe what they believe, but with how early on you're taught this stuff, and with our native tendency to believe whatever reality is presented to us, how can you not believe? The hard part is extricating yourself from the emotional ties of your culture and seeing it as it is, in a universal context. Then, and only then is it really difficult to believe doctrine like that.

So I eventually noticed all the absurdity that was so fundamental to the mormon way of life (I realized it early in my 2-year mission, but still diligently served the 2 years. It was awesome) and slowly and painfully removed myself from the ideological commonality of that religion and unfortunately of my parents, who might as well have thought that I had committed suicide. They are still grieving my death.

As I detached myself from that religion, I also detached myself from all the feelings associated with it, even the genuine purity I felt at age 16. I looked back on it all as just an absurd sham, which is mostly why I had the aforementioned mentality of logic-worship. It never occurred to me until lsd helped me that there was actually a universal love that was radiating all around me from a divine creator whomever he or she or it or they might be, and it was available to all humanity if they ditch the ego and not try to market the love and use it as mind control. It's simply in your DNA, not in any institution, or any conventional or familial persuasion. The human mind is so powerful that it can make itself believe anything at all, and will establish it as a person's only source of identity or happiness. The tools needed to break down these artificial psychological crutches are produced all throughout nature. The earth is our ultimate provider; just as it gives us all necessary physical nutrition, it takes care of all our mental and spiritual needs by providing entheogenic substances to show us what our pure, unadulterated roots are.

k I have more to say about J's house and driving home to seattle and I'll type that in a bit, these other things were just what was on my mind I s'pose...

 

Plenty of people find that feeling and similar thoughts while on trip and few days after, but as that glow starts fading, people tend to think "I was just tripping" and start melting in to the same programed reality, start to forget that feeling as they can not recall it that easy without lucy, they remember it was something beautifull, but can't really tell what, or it just doesn't go well with the logic they were thought since they were kids. You did well because you wrote all theese things and when you feel that you are loosing that devine blis, you can always come back here and read what you had to say, and belive me, it will return all those feelings back. Every now and than I go back and reread my trip reports, or just realizations I had, and its almost like I tripped again.
Since you found that devine feeling, the most important thing after that is:

DON'T FORGET TO REMEMBER IT!!! - ever again.

Thats why plenty of people after similar realizations turn to yoga or meditation, or any ritual that will remind them, or just buy a nice stash of acid and whenever you need to be reminded, don't hesitate!
Well done man again!

 

yeah totally, I had no idea how to meditate before Lucy taught me. But now restoring a measure of the blissful purity of feeling is as easy as looking out the window at the trees dancing in the wind. I found I could leave my head a little before I tried lsd, but I questioned whether I was pointing myself toward something genuine or not. But on cid it was like I had no choice but to leave my head, and I dove into an ethereal sea rather than wading in the shallow end using skeptical meditation.
*********************************************
http://www.coasterimage.com/picture...ictures/rides-attractions-pictures/18.jpg.php


I couldn't get the picture to thumbnail, but this link should go to a picture of a certain type of thrill ride. I couldn't describe it with words, so there's the picture. When I laid down that night I saw a vivid version of this sorta ride, except it wasn't grounded to the earth, it was just floating in empty space, and the people weren't in those little basket seats attached by long ropes; they seemed to be attached to it by their necks; and the people didn't look 3d, they looked like the people on the sign on the door to the restroom, indicating gender. And there weren't just a couple dozen or so people on the ride, there were multitudes...a limitless number, all tightly bound together to this ride. So visualize just the ride, without the seats, and people sorta pinned by their necks to the hull of the ride, so tightly together that you can't even really see the ride itself. I tried to see between the people to the ride itself, but I just saw more and more layers of people, all sorta pinned together and taking the shape of this ride, and rotating quickly, then slowly, then quickly again. The colors of it were sorta red and yellow with a glassy appearance, giving off reflection.

It was very profound and stunning to me, and I'm still working out what the hell it was...but it wasn't depressing or macabre or anything. Quite the contrary, the rhythm and harmony of that entity was impressive. Everyone involved was in perfect sync, and unity and harmony flowed through them. It was a peaceful sight, and to recollect it elicits further peace. k I gotta go yell at my bastard 2 year-old.

 

That was an amazing post brother. I like to post my travels online here as well. You seem well advanced.you should write a book. you live closer to hippie country in your parts and closer to berkley. so I'm not surprised you can come across L in the psw. Your tale covered alot of angles. Definetly bringing back to mind similar experiences. I work with mescaline these days since i live in the desert and can make my own san pedro extracts. I went deep during the lunar eclipse. I know nature can be powerful. but babylonian behavior will drive you up a wall. especial in the secend attention of your other. These days due to my small children and family and lack of psychedelic friends. I travel alone at nite in dreamscape in the comfort of my livingroom and couch. Try using your L at nite in the dark while everyone is asleep. Keep only your ganja,and a glass of water on hand for the journey. worry only about tripping and not having to do anything else. Close your eyes and watch the journey of the soul with the opening of the third eye in your mind. No music. you will be surprised that there is cosmic music that exists within you in innerspace. It is symphonic and overwhelming. If your ballsy (i havnt tried yet) smoke some salvia 10x during a peak.

plus check this out. tibetan book of the dead manual for tripping by tim leary

http://www.flashback.se/archive/tibetan.html

 

wow thanks for the kind words. You sound familiar; I'm sure I've read a story of yours involving finding a certain cactus and laying on the couch with visions. I think u spoke of the holy trinity that was a beer, some weed, and cigarettes? Or was that someone else?

If that was you, I loved the part about how a mystical presence told you that you needed to "grow" a new body with living nutritional foods. Something like that; it was probably the greatest statement about personal health I've ever heard.

 

so that CEV was the one that really stuck with me. I didn't spend a lot of time with visuals, but the closed-eye ones were by far the better of the 2. mostly what I saw with closed eyes were endless webs of geometric structures, as if was looking at a microscopic view of a piece of paper. I could see individual fibers of it, and they expanded outward into areas of my perception that I didn't know were there. I felt distinctly that with acute enough perception, one can behold entire universes in any object. I expected to see fractal imagery, viz. small patterns that are repeated on infinitely greater scales; I got this sense with closed eyes, such as feeling like all of existence is an infinitely expanding crystalline entity or structure, and me and my whole sphere of awareness occupies a couple corners of this interconnected, hollowed-out diamond. but it only feels hollow because it is infinitely huge. to a member of a higher dimension it would seem rock solid. I hope that makes some sense...

so these are what I was considering as I laid down that night I hoped I would get sleep, but didn't really care. J put on pinkfloyd which was pretty cool, but I requested something lighter, like acoustic guitar.

the black dog slept in the closet next to where I laid on the floor. it reminded me of how comfortable creatures are when they ensconse themselves in a limited, confined space. not only space but thought patterns, r'ships, goals, any attitude. its just more comfortable when you can't see through those arbitrarily imposed boundaries. humans seek comfort and stability as if they are natural and supreme states to exist in. a natural biproduct of this tendency is fear. and fear is not natural nor helpful. this is why we are a civilization of such softies. can u imagine americans today picking up their firearms and uniting in the name of freedom? we're too comfortable...an unnatural state. it's why energy companies and any industry have a hard time embracing alternative methods. it's not that they can't or that it will hurt their business, it's that they are cozy with their habits, and we're all like this. we try to escape our fears by surrounding ourselves with comfort, when that only feeds the fear. the stability of feeling we seek doesn't come from controlling circumstances, it comes from relinquishing a measure of control in order to confront and eventually understand what we're afraid of. it's the separation and compartmentalizing we carry out that breeds confusion, fear and unrest.

I woke up feeling unusally refreshed. I still felt a fiery core within me and still sensed all the energy around me. I had only slept for maybe 5 hours, but the sleep was so profound it was like a had been given a new body. it had been 24 hours since ingesting and I was very surprised at the brilliance of my afterglow. (2 b cont.)

 

I intended not to leave Portland area immediately the next day, but to stick around with C and comedown somewhat together. I didn't want our experience to fade in memory; I wanted to reinforce it so it wouldn't seem like just some dream. I've never been terribly attached to my ego and my perception of reality, but the supremacy of the experience was too valuable to risk losing any of it if I could help it.

So we thanked J, who was in bed, for his accomodating us, then went back to C's parents house and had tea and spoke briefly to his mom. I wanted to reveal things to her, but thought better of it. Just read a little of the Rajneesh's sessions. We went to a local head shop and I bought a new bong, who I named Rajneesh. We went and had some indian food; mine was a lentil curry with a double side of couscous. It astounded me. I forgot how good food is. The next couple days I pigged out on healthy selections; one, because I hadn't eaten much during the days of the trip and I had a new respect and interest in food, and how utterly dependent my intellect and spirit are on raw natural foods. I've restored my innate intelligence, viz. my body can very readily indicate to me the degree of healthfulness of any given act of consumption. I had this attitude before, but L really brought it out. It's like the processed food people eat is dead food, and when you eat raw or whole foods, in a way they are still alive, and they add to the degree of your personal aliveness. It's not a matter of dead or alive. There are many shades of death that people exist in, yet continue to breathe and live otherwise, not knowing that they are not as alive as they could be.

I've found it acutely difficult to persuade others of this notion, innate intelligence. They don't realize they are unhealthy because they don't feel unhealthy. But that's only because the mechanism inside them that dictates health has been suppressed and desensitized, so there's no natural indicator telling them the degree of their health. Once you get there you have a much more intimate r'ship with your body. I was eating a veggie burrito and I bit into something that made my body faint a little. I thought that something wasn't right with this burrito. I looked in and there was cheese that I had forgotten to subtract from the order. Ewww. It might as well have been a wet dookie. My body is calibrated enough that that crap didn't even have to make it to my stomach to tell me I had eaten something unhealthy. It triggered the response the moment it touched my tongue. Sometimes I'll eat cheese, but my body thought it was rude that I started to put cheese in there unwittingly; I guess it needs to brace itself. Western medicine exists because people can't hear their bodies anymore.

C and I smoked a small amount of greens while driving around the same neighborhoods I had knocked doors on telling people about Jesus and The Book of Mormon. I wanted to revisit all those people and tell them what I was saying before was at best incomplete. Don't get me wrong, I was never pushy with religion; my goal at the time was to seek mutual understanding of different schools of spiritual thought. Oregonians were so welcoming; I can remember only a few who were really rude or who yelled and slammed the door. Most of the time, they just thought it was a cool trip to talk to us. It really opened me up: I was exposed to interesting alternative religions, but the most interesting people were the ones who weren't affiliated, but who practiced their own code of ethics. One guy I remember specifically...I asked him to what church he belonged. He looked up at the giant trees and said with a smile "this is the only church I need..." I was 19 at the time and thought he was an absurd idiot. You can't just make up your own religion!... I thought. Now I see him as very advanced when it comes to ethereal truth and proximity to the divine.

I didn't really want to leave, but my wife had been alone with 2 obnoxious kids by herself, and she's not accustomed to it everyday. So I had to get back or else everything would explode or something. It was tough to drop off C, but I knew we'd both be alright, and we'd continue our solid vibes.

I always enjoy the drive back to Portland. From Seattle to portland it's usually 3.5 hours, but the way back is never more than 2.5 hours. I stopped at a rest stop after getting into Washington State to organize myself a bit for the journey home. I took some oxy in the car, cuz sitting in the car for longer than 20 minutes hurts my head badly, and also my back which is in a painful state of flux due to chiropractic adjustments. I didn't want to have any oxy in my system for when I tripped, so I drove to Portland in a bit of pain, but now I was finished with my mission, and I was going to drive in comfort on the way home.

I've always been totally mesmerized by the supreme aesthetic accomplishments of nature in this region, but with this new set of eyes it was so much more. Before I would appreciate things from a distance, but now I wasn't an outside observer. The trees and the sky and everything was an extension of me, and they were observing me! It was a prevalent feeling throughout the trip, that the universe was taking notice of me and celebrating our new liaison with a rare spirit, and the drive home was an endless parade of raw nature welcoming me home. It was the same world I'd always been in, but it had several layers of new dimensions and meaning.

That feeling climaxed as I drove into Seattle metro area. This is probably the most difficult part of the experience to put into words, other than the lake. I've always preferred a mostly cloudy sky, but this day was about 30% cloudy and the sun was illuminating the fluffy tops of the clouds, and I was grateful that I hit some slow traffic, because gazing at those was like looking god in the face. I had usually resented the obtrusive manmade objects that were intertwined with the otherwise gorgeous triumphs of nature in the area, but even those took on a singular beauty. I no longer bothered to be frustrated at man's misguided definitions of "progress," but at that moment I appreciated that form of progress. Even that blended into the majesty that surrounded me. I felt like I was being told not to worry anymore about the folly of mankind, that all things happen for a reason. Now I no longer want to judge others or look downward upon them; I just don't want them to do so with me because of my unconventional attitudes. We are all members of some undefined body. The pancreas doesn't deride the liver for spitting out bile, and the liver doesn't ridicule the pancreas for spitting out insulin (or whatever the case is). Both discharges have a place and a responsibility. (2 b cont)

 

It was interesting coming home; my normal habits of the day were a distant memory. What do I normally do? Do I drink water from a glass or from the pitcher? Where do I normally sit? Do I normally smoke a bowl with the kids around? As it happens, hell yes I smoke in front of the kids. If our boomer-gen parents were more honest about their drugs, we wouldn't repeat their mistakes. I don't intend to shelter my kids from anything, but to always show love. They are going to do what they want one way or another, might as well expose them to as much as possible as early as possible so they are educated in many things, socially acceptable or not.

This two bedroom apartment seemed enormous to me, which is good since before the trip I had been feeling cramped in it and was antsy to move. My 2 year old needs a back yard and so do I. I just don't feel it's an urgent need at this point. I suspected it before, and the trip reinforced it- heaven is not a distant realm or an afterlife. It's right here and now, you just need to let it in. How could anyone conceive a realm that is better than the one we have now. Why can't we just assume that this is heaven, that this life is our reward from a previous existence? Maybe there was a merit system and it's already been realized. Those who were deserving were given innate gifts to be enjoyed during this life that others hadn't earned yet, but they still can make efforts in this life to procure gifts of their own for another life.

I thought about what my gifts might be. Something mystical has always been telling me something. The spiritual guardianship that the mormons preached proved to be useless to me, and I concluded that I was either aspiritual, or such things didn't exist. But there were indelible promptings that guided a lot of my decision making. They were moments when reason was completely silent, when I had no rational basis for what I was doing. It was a feeling that I didn't provoke or invite, and it didn't pull at my heartstrings the way mormons are satisfied with. It was perfect thoughtless clarity that inspired an absolute and unequivocal confidence in me, like I just knew something almost like I was totally familiar with it already, but hadn't remembered it or thought of it in this lifetime. It didn't feel like someone else speaking to me, it was like a pre-mortal version of myself was telling me something that I already latently knew.

These promptings guided a lot of my actions through life, despite what my conscious mind had perceived before and how contrary popular opinion was to it. The voice of others was never as strong as this ethereal, silent voice. To illustrate this, when I had come home from my mission I was eager to find some kinda soul mate or something, but I hadn't ever been too good at preempting girls; mostly when I do that I come across as a totally different person. Any real r'ship I've had came about only when the girl came to me, and I just went with the flow. So I made concerted efforts to find girls; I'd see a hottie and think, "ok I'm going to do this, that, etc." and put all this work into it, only to appear a dumbass and like I'm trying to hard. But when I first looked at the girl who ended up being my wife, there were no thoughts, no game plan, no efforts. It was a hard feeling to accept but it was undeniable: something long-term is going to happen with her, I don't know exactly what, and I didn't think to try. It was that same feeling of some exalted version of myself telling me something that words can't convey. This all occurred in the half second of looking at her; I hadn't even talked to her. Since then it's just been more and more realizations about how compatible we are, and even though we don't share all the same interests, I don't think any number of years of me trying would've produced a wife better suited to me and better able to allow me to be the purest example of myself possible. I don't know whether all people have these sobering moments or eternal certainty, I don't know whether it's even mystical or biological, I don't know if I even deserve it, but I know that I can trust it.

My wife looked more beautiful than I had ever remembered when I came back after the trip. I didn't know what else to do but initiate sex; it was like discovering the female form for the first time and actually getting to have sex immediately. If that had happened at age 10 I probably would have turned out a lot more libido-oriented than I am today.

that pretty much covers the major events involved with the trip, but I've only scratched the surface of the thoughts that the experience has given me, and I intend to update this thread with those at my whim, for no other purpose than my own reference...

 

Just wanted to mention to you. With mind set like this, don't loose precious time. When you are about to trip next time, find if you can some DMT. When you are at the peak of acid, hit DMT hardly. It will last for 10-15 minutes, but it will propell your acid trip beyond imagination. I don't even want to mention how it is on DMT as it can't be described. Just check here:
http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=277912

I wish you all the best!

 

yeah I've definitely been curious about DMT, notwithstanding the discouragement of my peers. I understand it's not in high demand and is pretty rare. I was thinking about salvia, which I hit before and it did nothing, but I figured I'd try again with a stronger one. i plan on looking into legal entheogens like that, but I don't know if they're worth it.

 

I'll update this with a collection of unrelated thoughts:

I know that most people say that there is good and bad in every trip, and I guess it's true in a sense. But when I was experiencing what others would call "bad," it was entertaining. The more difficult parts of my trip were not coupled with intense emotional response. I knew that some might find it terrifying and they might seek to escape, but as any of those feelings bubbled up in me, I looked at them as feelings of my previous self. It's beyond hard to explain, but when those feelings arose, it was like I had already advanced past them before I had to be emotionally confronted by them. A fitting analogy would be: I was like a speeding train going in one direction, and when there was something troubling, a speeding train going in the opposite direction would represent it. the other train is my other, normal self, who would have found it difficult to manage the obstacle. And as my other self flew by in the other train, I dumped all of my potential emotional reactions into that train, as my other self was wondering, "where are you going? don't you see how insane everything is? I object! Order! control!" And I'd say back "oh well, if you didn't have such a habit of trying to comprehend, you wouldn't be confused. good luck, i'm on a journey." But that train was gone in the same amount of time it might have taken for a speeding train to pass in the opposite direction, and any objections it might have had were gone as quickly as they had come.

I looked at that other train and laughed at his inability to release control, and forgot about him pretty quick. But he'd race by now and then , to check in, and wondering what the hell I was doing and why he couldn't understand it. I never stopped to disembark and get on that other train, and I realized that some people do, and they go speeding in the opposite direction that they intended to go.

I can't say exactly what was responsible for this. Was it an innate gift that others have to work harder for? Or was it my pre-trip preparations? Among these were: avoiding negative energy in the form of complaining, yelling, criticizing, etc. eating a meatless and fat free diet a week beforehand, asking those around me to speak to me in a similar manner, relaxed, low-key, few words. I practiced emptying my head of any concious thought (which was very difficult before the trip), and otherwise cultivating a placid and reverent demeanor.

One thing I know for sure is that I've always had a somewhat easygoing psychology. I've always been more acquainted with my unconscious self than most others I knew. I had a simple upbringing, and was one of five kids, making it easy to live below the radar and develop my true self without a lot of arbitrary influence from my parents. They thought there was influence, but no. Owing to their preference to live in a state of easy oblivion and denial, it was incredibly easy for me to maintain any image they wanted. But underneath the facade was the unbiased and universally observant creature that has emerged more and more as I've matured. It was because of the strength of this unadulterated spirit within me that made it easy to trip well. The only real challenges I dealt with were my recently-built expectations of the trip. It is important to study a lot beforehand, but you have to take everything you read with a grain of salt. Coming up to the peak, I would engage in a preplanned outlet, only to feel Lucy's invisible hand slap it away, saying "didn't you learn anything?!" resulting in a total vacancy of comprehension and a sense that I was "starting from scratch." Such as feeling like I was coming up on a profound realization, only to feel it dissolve into the campfire smoke and go join the trees. it was like Lucy was saying "you just wasted your personal energy in trying to come up with that, but I'm going to take that energy and give it to the trees so it's not a total waste."

While C had had acid before, it had been 5 years, and he'd taken only one dose. He never presumed to be a guide to me in any sense, but I felt like I had an internal guide, that dissipated confusion and rendered hilarious any normal effort of my conceptual mind. It was seriously like I had a divine compass inside me and I knew which way it was pointing the whole time, even when I was misguided a bit. BRB

 

About those trees...I watched an episode of Forensic Files once and the killer had taken his victim's body to a secluded forest and burned the remains. The forensic detectives suspected they knew of the spot where he had burned the body, but couldn't find enough remains in the soil to convict. One of them realized that there was a new forensic method of looking at the leaves of the trees, that absorb gases. you could look at a microscopic view of the leaf and detect any gases that tree might have absorbed. I don't remember the exact science, but there was some signature material in the victim's clothes that had been burned along with the body, and the resultant gas phase of the material got infused into the leaves of the trees. They could even pinpoint what day the leaf had absorbed it, similar to tree rings. The date was the exact date the victim had gone missing. And the signature material was not in the surrounding trees, but was in great abundance in the trees that were close to the suspected cremation site.

So that helped convict the killer. Forensics don't lie, they're like a nature's tape recorder or something. I remember that episode as being highly interesting because of the information that was contained in the trees. What an astounding ability that man has to ascertain that sort of knowledge long after the victim's body was burned, without conventional recording devices.

the reason I bring this up is because I wonder what else the trees can absorb. That was certainly an invisible and microscopic thing that the leaf contained, and as any studied psychonaut knows: science and psychedelia reveal the same things. I honestly felt a portion of my soul ooze out of my body and join the trees that day. Somewhere deep inside the invisible innerspace of those trees, lies a latent imprint of my spirit. If that happened, then it's reasonable to presume that some of the trees' spirit has been infused into me. We traded portions of our selves. The exchanged energy was essentially the same stuff. The trees and me, we were just slightly different wave manifestations in a tumultuous sea of universal energy, like we were both images on a tv screen: looked different, yes, but were output of the exact same power source, and seen in the exact same wavelength.

I remember a connection to trees on shrooms; once I even hugged a tree for a while, melding with it, dismissing my personality and becoming one with the tree. I felt like a tree, and I thought that I most certainly have been a tree before, and that my current existence happened just as simply as someone changing the channel on the same tv set.

These are what I realized after acid, though. I couldn't piece it together before. But everything is interchangeable. I'm made of the same stuff as the trees, now more literally than ever, since trading souls with the trees. I felt that way about animals during the same trip, but with trees it was much more intimate, and I joyfully, joyfully understood why I was a placidly observant creature and why I had such a propensity to botany: one of my previous lives was lived as a tree. If I had lived 50 years as a majestic redwood, that's a lot of observing and soaking up info and energy, and I think some of those attributes spilled over into my current life. The animals were doers and the trees were observers, and I've always been in the latter category. There's so much more to this than what I'm willing to type right now...