my first dance with lucy...

My friend C had no problem returning to the camp after asking me what I'd like to do. I said there was nothing down there that we didn't have at the camp. We had been doing fine anyway, even with lots of confusion, attempts of analysis, attempts of many sorts. I should say that right before we went to the lake I smoked a bowl of homegrown sativa. I should've smoked my indica, which I bought under the trade name "god's gift." I don't know, but it had blueberry strain in it. The weed really intensified the trip and the confusion.



I remember so much about the trip reports I'd read, the visuals, talking to trees, creative artwork, philosophical disussion...but all these attempts fizzled, diffusing the lsd energy, and frustrating it. I felt no fear, only blissful confusion. I knew I hadn't reached my potential, but damn it it was fun. very surreal. We both laughed at what dorks people were, including ourselves. We didn't feel bad about being dorks; it was just madly funny and it made being human seem like just a silly labyrinth of games and contradiction. THe people at the lake were having their silly games, and we were having ours in our confused state.


The things I brought were great. notepad, art books...we enjoyed some thrilling depth of meaning in some art, esp. The Jewish Bride by Rembrandt, seen here:

 

but I was pretty lost with regards to full potential. I avoided expecting specific things, but sorta went from one thing to another. I tried some music, vivaldi was nuts...it was like the trees were speaking to me about all the sadness they'd seen in their lifetimes. It was a bit unpleasant, and I changed it, but not out of emotion, just to move on. I told C that we should just be quiet for a while, see what happens. If he needed to say something, keep it to a few simple words.

It got a bit pressured after a while. I could tell I was peaking, but I just felt insane. I was okay with that, because I expected it. One of my safety nets, breathing, caused me to think about my heart (there's heart disease in my family, so I'm anxious about my heart). It made my heart beat faster, and it was disconcerting. But I downplayed it, knowing these are typical sensations with the drug. Music with any beat also made me concentrate on my heart too much. I began to feel that I'll just have to be insane for these few hours, which disappointed me but not too much, it was a blissful insanity.

I decided to write in my trip log. Wow it had been 3 hours since I'd written in it?! what had I been doing? The last thing I wrote was a drawing of some closed-eye visuals. It was chili peppers at a mexican fiesta along a hanging string. They morphed into the individual strands of a multicolored DNA molecule. The chili peppers would later make a literal appearance at a friend's house. All I could write was "I"m totally gone..." meaning my mind was lost. I was overwhelmed by insanity.

I didn't know what else to do, staring at the fire made everything whiz by in a phantasmagorical blur, it didn't fit right. All I could do was put on some very gently minimalist music, Brian Eno. I slumped back in my chair and stared up at the canopy of trees and the grey sky beyond. The smoke flowed over everything I saw and liquified it. I could feel my soul leak out and join the smoke.

I just stared, emptied my head, and joined the smoke. I could feel myself lifting out of my physical body and flow through the tree limbs and the leaves. I realized I was slipping into a state of transcendence, and instantly all my previous thoughts returned, dumping my back into my body. I thought "oops," and started over.

I was right back where I was , floating and being infused by the smoke into the trees, the sky, the birds, all the people, the beagle that annoyed me earlier, everything I've resented or ignored or loved or beheld. Everything was entering me and dissipating me. The levees of my eyes shattered and tears poured out of me like two waterfalls. The scope of everything I've imagined or will ever conceive ran in and out of me like a concentrated surge of raw enegy. I had no idea how I was enduring it. No living person can feel this.

It was then I realized that there was a feeling that no words can communicate. The only way to express this is to create a universe with infinite beauty and endless worlds and eternal depth of beauty in every aspect of it to give any justice at all to how this felt. The universe that would express this is the one we live in. "god", whoever it is, created this universe to convey this deeply pure feeling of beauty and love. I felt the way god did. I wondered if that meant I could also create a universe. But it didn't matter. It's already been created. I can draw upon this feeling of godlihood anytime I want just by noticing anything around me; it was all created to express this pure love. We exist because we can perceive it all in our advanced capacity, and potentially feel it ourselves. There's no other way to feel it. (to be continued)

 

All I could write in my trip log was something like "no words...all beauty...all love...sweet emptiness...awe-struck," etc. I felt a bit like Jody Foster's character in the movie Contact. The pod she was in wasn't meant to have the restraining chair, but they refused to send her up without one. eventually the chair rattled very hard, even though her necklace was floating gently in front of her face. she unbuckled herself and floated also, and eventually the chair broke loose on its own and floated gently. I believe somewhere at that point she gazed upon a spiral galaxy of transcendent beauty, causing her to use only a few words, similar to my own. Once all her safety nets were abandoned, she was awe-struck with humility at the beauty and perpetuity of the universe. But she still tried to document it, just as I tried to in my trip log.

I knew my friend C was okay in whatever wavelength he was in, but I didn't want to try and communicate, lest i become relegated to my previous confused state. but I wanted to share this absolute love, so I made my way to the car and tried phoning my wife. Service was limited, so it took a few attempts to get through, but I maintained my state of ecstasy throughout it.

She answered and could tell I was sobbing and all I could say was "i'm overwhelmed..." She started to be concerned about me and asked what was wrong. I told it her nothing was wrong, it was good. Total peace, almost too much peace to bear, I just wanted to connect to her. I told her how grateful I was to her and she was what it was all about. the reason I said this is because I had been experiencing a lot of duality, like I saw C and he was just a reflection of me, when he talked, it was just one of the voices in my head. I walked to bathroom, saw a guy walking toward me down the path, but he was just a mirror reflection of myself. So my wife was the ultimate counterpart, yin to my yang, the person holding the kite string, allowing me to soar high and wide.

The car itself even represented her. It was my final respite from insanity, I kept procrastinating getting in the car because if I did, I would dash it dust just like all other attempts at control. I wanted to preserve the car as something to constantly look forward to,to keep me warm when the fire died out, to keep my hopes alive. My trip, like all life, consisted of excitement and joy in the pursuit of a goal, but once the goal was achieved, it was empty, meaningless, dissipated to thin air, relegating you with the opion only to start all over and keep going. I wanted to keep the car unattainable, and that notion gave me comfort.

But I realized that I came here in the car. All this was possible because of the car. I started in the car, and would end up in the car. I was keeping something unattainable that was my beginning and would be my end. Just like my wife made me complete, and made it possible for me to dream and keep my hopes about the universe alive, just like the transient notion of the car gave me comfort during the trip. My sphere of action and awareness would be cut in half if not for her.

So obviously she appreciated that sentiment...The stuff about my wife was one component of the trip, but not the main one, there really wasn't a main one. These aren't my final comments by any means. if there's adequate room in the database on hipforums i've barely begun to comment on all that I felt.

I'll type more later, but maybe not today. The trip lasted much monger and much more cool stuff happened, which I'll describe. later. Feel free to post comments or questions, you won't throw me off or anything.

One more thing: My fascination and obsession with the 60's counter culture and my frustration at having not been alive for it, and the added grief that my boomer-gen parents never tasted of it, was all addressed by the peak. I felt I was connected to those hippies, like I was embracing them tightly because the pure love was so infinite and abundant all you can do is try and share it. I felt like they knew me and welcomed me, and the spirit of that movement can never die, as long as people still have experiences such as this. see ya in a bit

 

sounds like a great trip man, looking back do you think you could have handled all 4?

 

yeah I think I could have handled 4. my guess is that the confused insane part would have been more intense and lasted longer, as well as the transcendence period. i'm glad I still have 2 hits cuz these guys r strong.

 

I am so proud of you burnabowl!!!
Thats what acid is all about, thats what we are all here trying to express. Thats why 3xi and I knew that you will have a beautifull time, because of your beautifull mind set and your beautifull soul. Without that love that you felt, and your wish to share it with everything and everybody, you can not have a beautifull trip. People are usually suffering because acid is trying to change them to open to that unlimited love, and only than they can sail on that wave. If they refuse to change and try to control it, they go through hell. But hey, how can you appritiate haven if you don't know how bad is hell. Keep writing anything you remember, because that is another thing that you are doing soo right. By writing that to us, you are explaining to yourself in words what happened, it actually helps a lot understanding much better what you've been through and what that means to you. Me personally, would never (or it would take so much more time) realize so many things if I didn't try to explain to you guys here certain things, and by explaining to you, I was learning. The thing is as you already said, the trip is full of feelings and so much more things that can not be described by words, and you know the feeling, but you are not completely sure what that feeling means, untill you try to put it in to words, untill you attach metaphore to it, and than you understand it more, and you can recollect those feelings after, even sober. And that is another thing what is acid all about. If you don't implement all those things that you learned on your trip in to normal day to day life, than you are eighter abusing drug, or you end up living in the fairy tale refusing to return to normal life. You found that love man, spread it on all the time!! Check this also, it may help you a lot defining your feelings and using them: http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=291625
Anyway, I am so happy for you and much love to all of you!!!

 

Thats so true, you strive towards the goal for days, weeks, months, years – like you say even delaying it at times to sweeten the victory - when you get there the doors of perception open and you realise your goal. Only to instantly feel unfulfilled and confused because you still feel the same..did I really do it? hmm I thought I did..? Maybe that has something to do with the way we idolise particular desires and goals to the point of projecting false claims onto ourselves(?)

That’s some really nice stuff your writing, look forward to hearing more.

 

Just to prove what Shapeshifter has pointed out a few times about explaining things to explain to yourself – 2hrs after writing this I feel like a load has been lightened because I now see perception isn’t tangible, you simply gain it and move on. It reminds me of a cycle I observed in myself recently; I get to an instance of bliss and harmony, where the sudden subconscious perception of holding on is brought into consciousness and is replaced be the awareness of letting go. Moments later doubting my ability to maintain I try to hold on to letting go, blatantly reverting to habit and trying to hold on once again.

But conventionally, there is nothing to hold on to - letting goes means to watch instead of trying to control. By trying to hold on you aren’t actually holding on to substance or fact (contrary to perception) but trying to avoid reality by distracting yourself with false notions of survival in the context of primal instinct – but if you were to let go of holding on you would see that you weren't holding on to anything and the energy you save from not holding on gets amplified when you let go. Its almost like how a baby reaches for the toy dangling from the certain of its crib, it cant touch it because its too far away but keeps trying anyway. Until one day it sees (learns) that it is too far away to try and take so it just watches.

 

absolutely. there is much depth in the philosophy of watching rather than being or doing. it's an attitude that makes everything in life meaningful, like if you get hit in the face, you can be a watcher, not affected by it...and can even be entertained by it. it comes from an attitude of constant awareness, even in routine situations, being always watchful, observant. fortunately i've had that propensity for my whole life, but not to the extent that I was shown in this instance. there's a certain shaman worth reading, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. he describes in simple terms the process of letting go........thanks everyone for the magnanimous words. I felt your presence in my transcendent state. I have much more to tell, in just a bit....

 

It is so refreshing to read a thread like this one. Well done.
Your positive attitude + confidence was rewarded. A guaranteed succes.
Be careful about beeing a constant watcher in real life it can lead to laziness. If you have an opportunity to do something don't miss it with an excuse: "I'll just watch how this force will sort out everything." Don't forget that you are a puppet through which it is working in physical world.

 

well, to put it more accurately than I did before, the constant watcher maintains his observations during intense work and all normal and necessary activities native to humanhood. Laziness definitely won't help open conscious pathways. It's just an attitude of always seeing yourself and others as they are, from an outsiders perspective, but still living an otherwise normal life. It makes every moment enjoyable when you have that 3rd eye.
***


so I totally understood what people meant when they referred to a state of ecstasy, religious, drug-facilitated, or otherwise. I felt this was not an ordinary drug. the absolute purity of the sensation was sacred. It was what all the prophets and sages from all cultures idealize. I could not understand how these things were possible with a drug, which made me realize it was mostly not the drug. The drug had been an enabler, but everything that happened was me, my brain and my soul. It made me beam with pride at the awesome potential of the human mind, as the universe beamed with pride at having been able to speak to another soul that day. I don't know how many other people in the universe felt what I did that day, but there must be at least some.

I just sat in my car, staring through the trees, to the horizon and to the sky. There was such depth, yet they were all so close to me. I remember feeling this way in small measure when praying to a god in the conventional way. I thought that religious people do tap into something genuine, but they often don't know what to do with it, and try to contain and label it and misconstrue its meaning. I had a new respect for the protestants who say to just give up, admit you have no control and turn your life over to jesus. the turning over control part, that is. I like jesus;not to worship, but to try to emulate.

Eventually C joined me in the car. He said "fuck that fire, who needs it?" He wasn't crying like me, but I could tell by his comments that he was in a zen-like state. he kept saying he couldn't see why anyone could ever call this a bad experience. I told him that we did it the right way; not everyone experiences it this way, and that we should be proud of ourselves. the universe was telling me it was proud of me. We listened to Herbie HAncock and felt heavenly.

We eventually got out of the car, and my ecstatic state wasn't as overwhelming, but I felt utter joy no matter what I was doing. C and I were able to converse normally. Me more so than him as it seemed.

So the overwhelming pressure of insanity lasted about 20 minutes, and the state of pure love and transcendence lasted about 80 minutes. These were not my perception, it's according to the actual clock. I guess the total of 100 minutes comprised the peak, all of which took place between the fourth and sixth hour after ingesting the acid.

I felt that I was able to resume the activites of my native reality, but I didn't yet want to, and didn't know whether it was just Lucy's divine lucidity that made me sense my previous reality again. For example, if were to smoke a bowl it wouldn't be too good since I might stir up the insanity again. It felt very good to be purely obedient to that force. I sat there by the same campfire and let the unity pour through me, not caring what else happened that day. I realized that the way you handle the peak, sets the tone for the remiander of trip. Instead of feeling uneasy and eager for the trip to pass away, I knew that the serenity and love would be with me for the duration, no matter what the external influences might be.

I felt very glad that C's peak was similar to mine. I can't know if it was as purely rapturous as mine, but in some degree we were experiencing the same things. We exchanged a few words, with full intended meaning delivered each time, and just basked in the supreme wonder and majesty of existence. We felt like we existed in a pure state for the very first time. (to be cont.)

 

Good answer. I know some people who confused those two. You were very ready for lsd man that's why it was possible with the drug. And it is beautiful to read how much you actually understood from this trip. Your friend and you connected, experiencing telepaty...

 

my 8 month-old guy is asleep in the computer room so I will just write some footnotes here on my blackberry. instead of a space, i'll have to separate the paragraphs with **************I just watched "the trip" with peter fonda and dennis hopper. same guys as easy rider. some say the trip doesn't represent acid very well, but that's only if you haven't done it. and if that's the case then nothing represents it well except the experience itself. I think they're both great movies and there should me a resurrection of the genre*****************so one unavoidable expectation I had was deep realizations about humanity and the universe, but the feeling that lucy was instilling in me was that I didn't need her for that, that I am capable of those on my own. and what I needed from divine grace was the imbuement of pure and absolute love. this was something unattainable by my own effort, and it was something that I needed. I thought it was totally natural and healthy that I am reclusive, private, uninterested in attention, unwilling to put effort into proteges other than my kids. but all that was only a symptom of my perception that I was a separate entity. I see evryone now as extensions of myself, after having felt this pure unity. I feel that everyone is a member of my family. not the lame nuclear family where image is a prevalent force, but a family that I have chosen because we are somehow the same entity. ************ visuals were great when I closed my eyes, vivid events occurred. the moss and trees and vegetation were resplendent in color and the energy from them infused into my heart, but more importantly they appeared to be each a crease in an infinitely huge diamond or crystalline entity. like the whole universe was a neverending diamond, and each strand of existence before me filled a few corners of this diamond, including myself. concerning visuals, I felt that I didn't get as many because I tried not fixating on much. it kinda hurt my head to do so. but I remember reading of visuals that represented eternal life, like leaves living and dying in full, accelerated cycles, or someones face rotting away revealing the skull, repeating itself. I thought maybe these occurred cuz the universe was trying to convey eternal themes to a person, even when they were paying attention to other stuff. I felt I didn't require these object lessons, but that I gave up my mind and perceptive ability to allow the eternal emotion of pure love to erupt in its undiluted form. k I will type back later....I can feel the electricity in the blackberry inundating my body

 

k I could probably spend my entire life thinking about and discussing the transcendent peak, but there was a lot more to the trip. Instead of diffidence and impotence, we had a singular confidence about us. Instead of being obstructed by an idea to do something, I could engage in it and it would enhance me.

I knew that nighttime was not far away, and I had been delaying and delaying thinking about whether we were going to head back to Portland for the night, or endure another sleepness night here at the camp. Of course, a sleepness night in my current condition didn't sound bad at all, but I wondered how fun it might be to go to someone's house. Plus I knew C did NOT want to spend another night here. Neither of us got any sleep the preceding night, which was my final challenge in the pre-trip period. I'd overcome mental challenges, but after the sleepness night I felt I didn't have my body's support, and it was the ultimate sacrifice in my preparations. How could I trip well without physical strength. That's when I had my wife post the thread entitled "need help abort?!!" I had finally determined, after a gourd of yerba mate tea, that I didn't really need my body, and this was just my final test, which was a difficult one. But I was very proud of myself for overcoming it and being able to trip well without the support of my body.

But I still would rather spend the night in some kind of building, just for a change. THe only problem was gathering up all the campsite shit before we ran out of daylight. There wasn't a huge amount of stuff (on purpose), but it seemed daunting. This would be a confusing and hilarious challenge. I wanted to preserve the sanctity of the area, by pulling certain things out of the car and leaving them until the very end, like my bongos and the illustrated ting sha hand cymbals. C laughed and asked why I was unpacking stuff rather than packing stuff...

 

These cymbals are great meditative tools. You chime them once and see how long you can hear the fading tone. Since the sound doesn't disappear, but shrinks smaller and smaller into fractional slices of its former self, you could theorize that with enough mental training, you could hear the same chime for longer and longer. Plus its just a really pleasant sound.

As is common with camp stuff, a lot of the items had to be put into canvas bags. I wasn't going to do any of it, except put the tent and poles in their respective bags, since they were wet and muddy. Everything else was going to just go into a discordant pile and can be sorted out later (still haven't done it). I told C that I wasn't going to rush myself. we still had a couple hours of light and I was going to take my time.

I opened a pack of Sweettarts, much to C's utter elation, and went about my chore like this: eat a sweettart, grab a tent item, put in the back of the car, hit the bell or look at a picture, then grab a sweettart, grab a tent item...I did all this in a repeated cycle, like a kid eating his happy meal: bites the burger, plays with the toy, eats a fry, sips the drink, all repeated in a cycle. This pattern didn't start here. Everything we did up till then was in a repeated cycle, to the point where we felt like we were there for eternity. It had been like we'd lived several lives at that campsite and anything I'd done before then was a dream.

The bathroom in particular. Since I had drank tea I was going to the bathroom very often. The walk there was always pleasant... the moss and ferns and trees and squirrels and birds were all connected to me, like they had been waiting for me to walk by again. The bathroom itself was yellow and white and had littel tiles everywhere. The times I went into the bathroom I felt like the universe was all a series of two dimensional blocks, ver geometric, and I could see how everything we normally perceive is just a pattern displayed in different ways by these little tiles. When I'd leave the bathroom (after feeling like I'd just passed a redwood tree through me) I was always very surprised to see all this life again. The tile universe was just as alive I thought, but the trees and everything welcomed me back again. I can only imagine what C's mind was doing while I went back and forth to the bathroom that day. He would always say, "and then comes (my name).." as I returned to the camp. (to be cont.)

 

I don't exactly remember when, but at some point I felt it was okay to smoke another bowl. So I smoked some blueberry indica, and it was cool, didn't douse the lucid tranquility at all. I didn't think anything could douse it, so I took some oxycontin. It had its place, but didn't cloud the divinity. I was mostly curious about their effects in my current state. I didn't have those drugs again until I needed to go to sleep again, and even when I did "sleep" was mostly intense visuals and I came out of it very refreshed, despite all the pacing and standing and hiking the preceding day.

I kept repeating my pattern until almost everything was in the car again. C helped with the tent. so all that was left was my backpack, the hand cymbals, and the last embers of the fire. I had taked time during the packing to watch the fire die away. I had wondered beforehand whether I would see instances of life in death, or life being created by death. The campfire logs were a similitude of this. the fresh living logs burned down to a red-hot pile of energy, much hotter than the fire in the first place. It was like there was intense new life coming as a result of the death of the logs, which required more death from more logs.

Then all of humanity took this role. People were just adding more and more logs to the fire. Kids, grandkids were logs which carried the energy through the generations. the same fire or life was manifested in many different layers of organic life. I thought of my own kids carrying my fire with them, and even though their bodies will pass away, the fire can't be destroyed, it can only inhabit another form or be absorbed by another. The fire was with me when I sat in the car, away from the literal campfire, and the fire would revisit us throughout the day in different forms.

So the car was all packed up and C was eager to go (I don't know why...I assume it was just the return of the feeling of needing to be able to control what the trip is doing). I could drive, I had my tactile faculties and could pass any sobriety test. But there was still some daylight, and since it was sunday most of the other campers had gone home. It would be a shame to leave now, I thought. Ironically the only other campers within view was the redneck in the next site over, who had that beagle.

Now this beagle gave me one of my toughest challenges. I hate pets. I love animals in the wild and am in awe of them when I see them. But pets are just less restrained versions of their idiot masters. This awful fucking animal was making some seriously obscene noises before my peak, which made me insist on either killing it, or somehow making its noises beautiful. I knew I couldn't kill it, so I blended the noise in with the scenery. I envisioned the dog speaking to the birds and to the motorboats, which all replied to it. he was speaking of his horrible liaison with this person who hung a confederate flag (this was all in my head, I don't know what the guy was like, save the flag). So I appreciated the dog then, I empathized with him because he didn't choose his life, and can't choose his life.

So I convinced C that we should walk down to the lake again, since most people had left. This was a very beautiful decision about which I'll expatiate later....(to be cont.)

 

It was hard to admit that the campfire was dying, and we didn't have more wood. I suggested maybe I go get more wood, but C reminded me that that would obligate us further to this spot, and we had no obligation to it, or something like that.

We started walking to the lake again, and I discovered there was a bathroom much closer to our site than what I had known, and it just required a pleasant walk through the forest to get there. I found it hilarious that I walked all that way to the other bathroom.

Now it was twilight, and the lake seemed much more vacant than it did before. It looked totally different. Vast and blue and serene, even with a couple boats still on it. This time with the lake is the most difficult part to explain with words. It was just quintessential perfection. the ripples caused by the ducks and the gentle breeze and the moving clouds and the waving trees...they all seemed to be in sync, like they were all being equally effected by an invisible and eternal force. This force made the earth i was standing on seem like it was slowly drifting along with everything else, in perfect cadence with the clouds overhead. Everything was slowly and peacefully floating along a never ending current of blissful and cohesive energy, never beginning and never ending.

I thought that this is the only place I want to be. I could envision myself doing many other things and enjoying them, but I didn't want to be anywhere else. I knew C was somewhat eager to leave, but he wasn't the one that needed to drive. But mostly, it was just too electric and heavenly with the people gone to leave. We moved from one spot on the shore to another, just to get different views of this. The serenity and stillness was intoxicating- I just coexisted with all before me. The fishers were even finishing up their activities and heading to shore. I found it funny that the fish came out to feed right after they left.

It was deeply startling when a plane flew overhead. It disturbed all the life around me. I felt the way to earth might have when we heaved our technological advancements upon it. There was such a subtle, penetrating energy flow at the lake, then the unnatural noise of the plane came, and broke it all up. The plane didn't exist in a flowing harmony with all this; its moves were mechanical, arbitrary, seeming to be in total contradiction with the urgings of mother nature surrounding it.

I also felt an ominous vibe when the plane flew by. Like an eternity had gone by with nature flowing with itself, and in a moment and a roar, man's manipulation of energy for his convenience disrupted the natural flow of energy and broke everything down to its elements, forcing the universe to reset itself. I wondered if that might be humankind's ultimate end, to bring about the destruction of the universe and that's how things start anew, how things get translated into their elemental form. It was all idle speculation of course, but I did have a strange new tolerance for ignorant people, since I thought realizing these things wasn't meant for the human mind, man was meant to be ignorant in order to bring about the destruction of all things, and stupid people were more advanced than me, embracing their ignorant state better than I, and facilitating our purpose in destruction. Fleeting thoughts....back later

 

C kept asking if I was ready to go and I kept saying "nope." I was far too ensconsed in my surroundings to consider leaving now. The tree limbs were like mossy fingers that sent electricity into my body. that fiery-hot core which was first manifested itself before the peak was still there, and it attracted energy all around me. It felt a bit like the invisible energy around me was infused into my electric center, and was levitating me in the air so I didn't have to stand on my sore legs, but I was standing. I kept wondering how many people had been to this spot before, and what were they doing? Probably nothing more interesting than I was doing.

C said we should go, and I said okay, but only if we went up on of these different trails...I went from place to place along this foothill opposite the lake, thinking that I saw a trail going back up, but they were mirages. I didn't want to leave that place, but I did for C's sake. We went back the way we came and it was a chilly yet exhilirating sight to see my car all alone in the dark, with all our possessions inside. It was like a magic metal rock, left for us by an ethereal power, as a reward for our humility that day. (to be cont.)

 

so we got into the car, and I just had to trust that my previous self got everything into the car. the car felt to have a life of its own, but when I started driving I felt control return to me. I wasn't at all concerned about my ability to drive safely, but I couldn't exactly justify it to myself, but I just felt safe doing it.

so we got to the exit of the campground and encounetered a surprise: a closed gate was before us. I wondered if I had gone the wrong way, but there was this only one way to get in and out. I felt a pervasive thrill of fear fly through me, it was the type of fear I might have felt as a kid when my mom left me at the grocery store. total helplessness...I felt completely alone even though C was there.

the gate had a sign which read "please close gate" so I assumed it was unlocked and I could just open it. I had no idea what I was doing when I fiddled with the closing mechanism. the deep irrational fear was stirring in me, and I thought it was rather enjoyable. I knew it was a simple matter of asking a campworker for help, it was just a strange exhiliration to feel the same sort of helplessness I felt as a kid.

so I drove to where it looked like a ranger was staying, in an RV. I saw that the inhabitants were pouring wine. I felt bad about that but announced my presence. the lady who came out was very eager to be of help. I almost expected her to say "nope, you paid for two nights and you're staying for two nights." but she explained how to function the gate, all of which I didn't understand, but I knew I would figure it out, I just needed to know that I could in fact do it. it was very childlike. I just needed endorsement. the world had become dark and ineffable, and I was overcome with gratitude that this lady stepped away from her wine to help my poor soul. then I thought maybe the wine had something to do with it (to be cont.)

 

the post-gate world was vastly different from the pre-gate world. Before the gate I felt like I was driving in a ride at an amusement park, now it was the real world. I was like a teenager who had mastered driving around an empty parking lot then was abruptly expected to drive on busy arterials. I took a few moments to adjust myself to this new reality. When I pictured the directions to take to get home, I lost my mind a little. I could not consciously think of the way to get home. It took a while to get into the mode of: "okay, it's not a big deal if I can't visualize each turn simultaneously, I'll just know the way to turn when I come to it..." and I had a new appreciation for the phrase "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Ive never had an affinity for common sayings, mostly because I hate that people know their contemporary meaning, but don't know the original source (i.e. "Rule of Thumb" comes from an old english rule that allowed a husband to beat his wife as long as the weapon was no wider than his thumb). But this phrase has a special meaning to me now, and I'll use it genuinely. I also like the phrase "less is more."

So I drove onto the highway with a safe attitude, and for the first time that I can remember, I wasn't concerned with whether the car behind was okay with my speed. I just drove comfortably, roughly the speed limit. There were times when I was thinking "what am I doing? I'm driving? I took lsd today..." but I got nervous and would ease up, visualizing that the person in front of me was pulling me along, and the person behind me was gently nudging me along, that we were all working together. Everyone in traffic is proud of me, and was welcoming me into a naturally flowing energy current within the road. It was very easy to drive calmly, and my perceptive abilities weren't a problem; in fact, my vision was better. When I came up to the place to turn, my mind recognized it so vividly that for a second I felt like I was in the past, at the time I was going the opposite direction at that same turn. I was just guided the whole way back to Portland. k it's freezing in here cuz this room is also my grow room, and since it's ventilated and it's a windy day, my hands are all numb so I'll have to type back later. Which sucks cuz I wanted to type a lot right now. Hanging out in Portland was so enjoyable I just hope I can adequately explain it...