my father

Discussion in 'Psychedelics' started by yyyesiam2, May 16, 2004.

  1. yyyesiam2

    yyyesiam2 Senior Member

    i don't know what to say. i feel a deeper pain right now than i have ever experienced before. i am weeping as i type this. i can't talk about this to anyone in person, so i am going to post it.

    from: my father
    been feeling really suicidal. cant think of any good
    reasons to stay around any more. i have outlived my
    usefulness to the world, and dont really know if i
    was of any use at all. the entropy keeps increasing
    in the world, the universe, and in my life. so i am
    asking you what good reason is there to stay around
    in this world?
    reply 1:
    i can't claim to know what you are going through, but i have felt the
    same exact way hundreds of times. every time that i get close to just
    ending it all, i consider the alternative and the possibilities of what
    could happen if i just stuck around till my time was up. right now is
    probably not a time to be fake about anything. you have made alot of
    mistakes in your life. those were your decisions, and you can't take
    them back now. the fact that you are still around gives you the chance
    to make amends-whatever way you are capable of accomplishing that task.
    you have let yourself fall into a very deep rut; so deep, that it is
    impossible for you to see the light of the outside world. that doesn't
    mean it isn't there. if you are willing to put forth the effort it
    takes to accept your mistakes and to genuinely express your love and
    guilt over your past, i guaruntee u that u will see things in a new
    light. all i have been waiting for from you is exactly that. i want for
    our relationship to be closer than it ever was. i want to hug you, and
    feel you hug back-without any stiffness that suggests a certain
    guardedness againgst your own son. i love you so much, and i'm tired of
    past events making it hard for me to tell you that. so fuck it. i don't
    care anymore.i love you. i want you to feel like you can show your true
    self-no matter how dark or different it may be. i want to be close to
    my father. i want to understand you. i don't want you to think that
    noone in the world understands you. i don't want to think that noone in
    the world understands me. for some reason, we seem to be similar
    entities. maybe there is such thing as reincarnation, and we were meant
    to be in contact. it just sucks that we let our intense similarities
    drive us apart so much. if you want a reason to live, other than the
    millions you could think of if you could just get yourself out of this
    hole of repetitive thought that you've trapped yourself in, then let it
    be me. if you leave me without ever having let me know who you are, i
    will forever be haunted by that. if you must go, then at least get to
    know your own seed first. that means me, cedar, and franz. tell us you
    are sorry. tell us you love us-especially cedar. i don't think he's
    heard it enough from you. leave with us a memory of your
    heart-something you have rarely-if ever-shown us. i have one memory of
    you that i will always cherish. that is the memory of me and franz
    sitting on your lap while you read to us some story about soup or
    something. i don't remember the story very well-except for the ending
    where it all get's silly-but i remember the feeling of love and
    security i felt sitting on your lap. that will never leave me. please
    leave me with more of those memories. i don't know what else to tell
    you except that life is a very complicated game. you've been breaking
    the rules for quite some time, but it's never too late to fix things. i
    love you.
    reply:2-20 minutes later.
    to reply to another thing you said: you said you didn't know if you had
    served any purpose in the world. i don't know about how you have
    affected others, but i know what you have taught me. you taught me that
    everything is not what it seems most of the time. you taught me not to
    trust every idea or institution that comes along that doesn't make
    logical sense to me. you taught me from an early age to shield myself
    from gov. propaganda-something that most parents have obviously not
    taught their children. you taught me the importance of what i put into
    my body. you taught me the importance of feeding my intellect. you
    taught me how to learn. most importantly, you taught me how to survive.
    considering the effect you've had on me, i know you must have affected
    other people's lives in your past. i also know that there is an
    intelligent soul trapped under all of the stress, repression of
    emotion, and pain that you have endured in your life. a major part of
    your journey is healing, especially now. now is the time to cry,
    dad-even if it doesn't feel possible. howl at the moon.tell the world
    of your pain. only then will your body and mind begin to heal
    themselves. i have said all that i can. the rest is up to you.
  2. Fractual_

    Fractual_ cosmos factory

    wow dude sorry to hear that.

    you came up with some good responses though, your father doesnt sound like such a bad guy. i hope he sticks around.
  3. yyyesiam2

    yyyesiam2 Senior Member

    i apologise for this embarrassing post. i received that email last night, after not having spoken to my dad for quite some time. i freaked out, got drunk, and for some reason thought it would help to post here. why i thought that, i don't remember. the funny thing is, i was trying to post in the philosophy forum and posted here by mistake. i'm just glad i didn't call anyone. i got an email back from him today, saying that that he'd stick around for the time being, but he didn't make any permanent promises. i guess i might have thought there was a chance of there actually being some psychiatrists or similar on this website, considering some of the intelligent posts i have seen here in the past. i realize now that this is something i must deal with on my own, and i apologize again for bringin' everyone down.
  4. Ediction421

    Ediction421 Member

    Her name was Rhonda, she liked marijuana, an let me hit in the back of her honda... That afghani hash come in handy... Her name was rhonda, she smoked ganja, and let me hit it in the back of her honda...

    What the fuck was I Talking about? Meth is an evil bastard and I would rather be sleeping right now, but anyways...

    Slip you're dad a valium... No, im sorry always make jokes at the wrong time... heh heh...
    Eh, have a seriuos conversation with him and let him know you care and ask him how he feels, really feels, let him know you're there for him and love him and that he is important to you. Maybe you should go see him in person and give him a hug... I mean, thats just another option, do whatever feels right though... and don't read into this or put much behind it, cuz im kinda perculated in a tense, excited, yet ultimately bored way right now...
    :confused: :rolleyes:
  5. gnrm23

    gnrm23 Senior Member

    yeah, tell him you care...

    depression is a real problem for millions of people...

    do some searching for "alternative therapies depression" or some such (& also "dysthymia" (sp?)) --->
    herbs, vitamins, amino acids (esp. 5HTP & tryosine), hormones, nootropics --- lotta possibilities, check 'em out & clue yr dad in to ones that look promising (to you, mmmm?)...

    hang in there, both of you...

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