i don't know what to say. i feel a deeper pain right now than i have ever experienced before. i am weeping as i type this. i can't talk about this to anyone in person, so i am going to post it. from: my father been feeling really suicidal. cant think of any good reasons to stay around any more. i have outlived my usefulness to the world, and dont really know if i was of any use at all. the entropy keeps increasing in the world, the universe, and in my life. so i am asking you what good reason is there to stay around in this world? reply 1: i can't claim to know what you are going through, but i have felt the same exact way hundreds of times. every time that i get close to just ending it all, i consider the alternative and the possibilities of what could happen if i just stuck around till my time was up. right now is probably not a time to be fake about anything. you have made alot of mistakes in your life. those were your decisions, and you can't take them back now. the fact that you are still around gives you the chance to make amends-whatever way you are capable of accomplishing that task. you have let yourself fall into a very deep rut; so deep, that it is impossible for you to see the light of the outside world. that doesn't mean it isn't there. if you are willing to put forth the effort it takes to accept your mistakes and to genuinely express your love and guilt over your past, i guaruntee u that u will see things in a new light. all i have been waiting for from you is exactly that. i want for our relationship to be closer than it ever was. i want to hug you, and feel you hug back-without any stiffness that suggests a certain guardedness againgst your own son. i love you so much, and i'm tired of past events making it hard for me to tell you that. so fuck it. i don't care anymore.i love you. i want you to feel like you can show your true self-no matter how dark or different it may be. i want to be close to my father. i want to understand you. i don't want you to think that noone in the world understands you. i don't want to think that noone in the world understands me. for some reason, we seem to be similar entities. maybe there is such thing as reincarnation, and we were meant to be in contact. it just sucks that we let our intense similarities drive us apart so much. if you want a reason to live, other than the millions you could think of if you could just get yourself out of this hole of repetitive thought that you've trapped yourself in, then let it be me. if you leave me without ever having let me know who you are, i will forever be haunted by that. if you must go, then at least get to know your own seed first. that means me, cedar, and franz. tell us you are sorry. tell us you love us-especially cedar. i don't think he's heard it enough from you. leave with us a memory of your heart-something you have rarely-if ever-shown us. i have one memory of you that i will always cherish. that is the memory of me and franz sitting on your lap while you read to us some story about soup or something. i don't remember the story very well-except for the ending where it all get's silly-but i remember the feeling of love and security i felt sitting on your lap. that will never leave me. please leave me with more of those memories. i don't know what else to tell you except that life is a very complicated game. you've been breaking the rules for quite some time, but it's never too late to fix things. i love you. Quinn reply:2-20 minutes later. to reply to another thing you said: you said you didn't know if you had served any purpose in the world. i don't know about how you have affected others, but i know what you have taught me. you taught me that everything is not what it seems most of the time. you taught me not to trust every idea or institution that comes along that doesn't make logical sense to me. you taught me from an early age to shield myself from gov. propaganda-something that most parents have obviously not taught their children. you taught me the importance of what i put into my body. you taught me the importance of feeding my intellect. you taught me how to learn. most importantly, you taught me how to survive. considering the effect you've had on me, i know you must have affected other people's lives in your past. i also know that there is an intelligent soul trapped under all of the stress, repression of emotion, and pain that you have endured in your life. a major part of your journey is healing, especially now. now is the time to cry, dad-even if it doesn't feel possible. howl at the moon.tell the world of your pain. only then will your body and mind begin to heal themselves. i have said all that i can. the rest is up to you.