Moving on from the death of a loved one

My partner of 2.5 years (who I have a baby with) is now 37, he lost his brother tragically when he was 16. The death of his brother is something he has never been able to come to terms with and he has never dealt with his grief. He left home shortly after his brother passed as ‘wanted to leave the pain behind.’ He has never had therapy or counselling in his life and struggles massively to share his feelings about anything deep or meaningful.

Today he comes across as a happy go lucky guy but inside he is fighting a number of demons. He never shares his feelings with me about anything and keeps everything locked inside, often I feel like I don’t even know who he is. He is a people pleaser and wants to be liked, he goes along with what ever I say or want as he says he wants to make me happy, but never shares his opinion or worries, which means they often come out later in arguments.

Throughout our relationship he has gone on drinking binges where he disappears for 12-24 hours and completely ignores my attempts to contact him, it’s as though he is trying to escape life. He is never able to provide me with an explanation as to why he behaves like this even though it upsets me immensely and has put a massive amount of strain on our relationship. Each time he swears blind he will never do it again but it happens over and over regardless. Recently he did it again and I told him I was leaving him, he broke down and said he thinks he does it to self sabotage as he has so much anger and pain inside that he doesn’t know how to deal with. He lost his partner of 14 years and their 2 children as the relationship was in termoil due to this behaviour. I don’t want our relationship to go the same way, he is a good person who is lost in life and wants help to recover from his loss, learn to communicate in a healthy way and allow people in. He has decided he would like to go to therapy but has no idea where to start or what kind of help to seek. He has arranged a GP appointment (the earliest one is 1May), to see what advice they can offer, although I know from my own experience the GP won’t be a massive help.

I am hoping someone out there can provide some advice, help or guidance. Where do we start and how can I help him and us to
move forward?

Thank you!

 

I'm very sorry to hear about you and your partner's troubles. You could try Cruse Bereavement Care, they also have a helpline number:

Cruse Bereavement Care |

 

This may sound insensitive. But from experiences if my own, it sounds like reverse we causality

Tragedy > drinking
When in fact in may be
Drinking > tragedy

He sounds like someone with a drinking problem that may well project his hurt feelings further