Mother Issues.

Ok. here it goes. i think to some point we have all had issues with other mums or even our dads. but mine have gotten to such a point that i really need some outside prospective. i was the ultimate mommies boy going up. i was extremely close to my mum. i am the middles of three children but i was diagnosed as being autistic and dyslexic when i was young. this certain made me mother treat me like the baby of the family more so than my brother or sister when growing up. my mum was super protective and to a point over protective, we where in separable. but in my teens it started going wrong. for some reason everything i did was wrong or not good enough. ever attempted i made she found fault. i was constantly accused and belittled by her to a point that in the end i couldn't even enjoy my hobbies. or my interest. i couldn't have friends or female friends. because she would accuse them of using me or not being good for me. she constantly called me thick stupid and evil. i have realized with time that my mum shows all the signs of child abuse. and i done all that i can to try and get her to talk about it. she wont go to therapy she wont talk. but then accuses me of never caring. i know she is very resentful to my dad. and there are a lot of problemmes there. but it has got to a point where i cant even relax around her. i am always on edge and defensive, its effects my relationship with women and men to actually. but its got to such a point that i cant stand to be in the same room as her. she never calls or texts me if she dose she is passive aggressive and distant and i cant speak freely. it so complicated because i really wont to just move away and never talk to her again but i cant do that as it effects my relationships with my brother and sister and father to.and not only that i have my supported accommodation here where they live. if i wont to see my dad i have to see my mum. i am at lost to what to do as every time i try to make a choice i just cant see it through. now it getting to a point where i can not keep my temper or my emotions with her, and we have come very close to physical confrontation twice, in which i had to push her away. i could really use some advice or even some guidance at what to do because this is really pushing me down into a dark depression. thank you

 

You either roll with it or not, but do not exacerbate the problem with her.
or remove yourself from her as much as you can without haiving to lose contact with the rest of your family.....

try to see the good in your mom while you still can......some day may be too late.

 

can you get a therapist or mediator to work with both your mom and you together?

 

thank you for the advice. i will certainty give it ago. though i doubt she will go to therapy

 

You are not responsible for or to moms behavior. The fact that she suggests her emotional life is predicated on your behavior is a common distortion among "loved ones." As you accept the premise you find you are damned if you do and damned if you don't because your emotional stability or your behavior cannot substitute for the substance of her own. Right now she has only romantic ideals or dreams to infatuate her. Does she need therapy? Perhaps not as much as to meet someone she likes. What you can do specifically to help is to maintain your own good humor and don't look to her or her behavior to solve any issues you may have as she obviously has trouble dealing with her own. Your support group is likely outside the home, those are the friends you meet and people you admire. I don't know how your siblings figure into this but you are not going to get an accurate reflection from mom on your genuine contributions to well being.

 

You are not responsible for her or anyone's behavior, only your reactions. Since it's family...you need to deal without letting it make you depressed. Change your mind. Fake it till you make it. In other words, find all her admirable features and count them as blessings and ignore the nasty, when negative things happen with her or you even remember negative things say, "NO". Cut the strings of negativity and do not let them attach to you again. Since it is you mother, what choice do you have?

Also...she is human and we all have our own pain, experiences and personal hell we have lived through. I am betting you really have no idea what led her to be the way she is.

You, are responsible for you...and your feelings....count blessings not shit :daisy:

 

thank you so much there is some great advice here and i am grateful for it. and i will certainty use it too. thank you very much

 

Have you spoken to your siblings about this? because believe me, they will know whats happening.

when you were young, your mum liked to look after you, keep you safe, she was doing and feeling ok.

as you grew, she felt less needed, that's probably when the problems in her started.

crazy question, but real... do you think she is ok? you say it looks like there may be child abuse in her past... are you sure? is she feeling rejected? is she not doing well at getting on in years? believe me, that can tear a mum apart.. I watched mine do it.

my mum just couldn't cope not being a mum, and not being young any more, this started at about 55, I lost her ten years later, she got ill, and gave up.. she didn't feel life had any point anymore...

all the things your saying, were happening in our family... we just didn't understand how difficult it was for her, to not be needed any more.

you need your siblings on side here, because your dad will be getting this too.

you also may need to speak to her doctor, you all need to give her time, get her busy, don't take is personal, she feels probably that she let you down.

make 'time for her, but make time for you, away from her, and dare I say it... move out, flat share, but let her know you still love her.

make her busy, there are three of you? work it between you, try it, its probably not an angle you looked at, but what your saying, sounds so familiar.

 

I'm gonna say this this from a mother and a daughter's point of view, because I am both. Until I left home and had kids myself, I never really knew my mother as a human being. I knew her as "mom"...my "mom". Once I was fully adult ( no longer needed ANY financial support), my mom and I talked woman to woman. Then, I knew her.

Then once I became a mother....I knew her again...in a much different way.


You have to become your own person 100% to not have "mother or father issues"

 

i have moved out i have for two years now. but how my mum is. thats been going on since i was 14/15. i try to talk to my bother and sister about it but they booth live quiet far away and have there own lives. i try so hard with her. if i am honest i and i believe this. i think my mum really wont's to never work and just be supported trouble is my dad dosnt earn enough to do that. my one wont's the life of a million air with out ver working for it. i have tried so hard so hard to see things from here prospective. but she is impossible. i cant even tell her what i been up too because she will start to pull it a part ruin it. she treats my dad really bad rally horrid. and i dont ever think in 30 years i been on this earth i heard him complain once until this week. when he said he was close to leaving. so all i feel i can do is see her less comuncate with her less. and just focus on the good aspects. which are become few and far between the bad ones. i dont know how to help a chronically un 4 feld person (sorry about the typos there not saw how to spell it)

 

LOLz, yes awesome advice. Listening to her complain about everything is bad enough already, so why not go pay someone to stick you in a room with her while she complains. Why not sit on a cactus at the same

 

well at least she has had something constructive to say.

 

Why do you assume its constructive? Its not going to be if it makes things worse

"Mum, I think we should go to a therapist so we can work through whats wrong with you"


She just rags on people and they dont really confront her on it or tell her the truth they just disappear from her life, a lesson she should have learned long ago, you are the only one left that bothers.

Maybe the correct answer is the exact opposite of what moonglow said, maybe you need to disapear for a while, then she finally get it. But that sound cold and mean, not warm and fuzzy

Never listen to advice from chics about other chics

 

who just rags on people?. actually i would say the advice i have had from women in my life has been more useful and constructive.

 

WTF is wrong with you and WTF are you, anyway.....? F off of me!

 

My answer was coming from a place where I do not have a mother anymore and wished she left this world knowing how much i really loved her....different perspectives for different folks....

Tony has to do what feels right to him....period.

 

My point is: Just because something sounds nice in the here and now, doesnt mean its what is going to work in the long run

 

You think you have it bad now? If you don't distance yourself from her before your father dies, your life will be completely over. She's fucking toxic.

 

My mama has passed also Moonglow. I adored her and have no regrets or guilt and I am blessed for that.



Tony, here is my assessment and if you are really looking for help, there has been good advice in this thread. You mother is your mother, you can't change it so if you don't learn to only look at the positive aspects of her you will remain miserable. Do not engage with her if you feel aggravated at what she is saying, you don't have to react or even think about it again later. Put it out of your mind.


"i was extremely close to my mum." Remember back to those times, when you were. From what you said she protected you, loved you.


"but in my teens it started going wrong" This is true of every human being on this planet...it just is.


"i know she is very resentful to my dad. and there are a lot of problemmes there" None of your business.


"i have tried so hard so hard to see things from here prospective. but she is impossible." I think I mentioned this before but...you cannot see things from her perspective. If you become a parent...then you will be able to somewhat, till then...nope.


"i cant even relax around her. i am always on edge and defensive," That's on you. If you are a grown man, then you should be able to deal with difficult people in your life, and there will be many. Don't blame someone else for your feelings.

There is a book I remember reading so many tears ago and it was called "Irregular People"...it helped me with some difficult relationships. We all have irregular people in our lives...our families. It is how we deal with it that determines the outcome.

 

i agree with you the advice is good. and i will take notice