mother in law ish

Discussion in 'All in the Family' started by lily flower, May 16, 2013.

  1. lily flower

    lily flower Guest

    My boyfriends mom is driving me crazy. I have known my boyfriend for six years and we have been on and off in our relationship... we are young and now we are trying to get serious about journeying through life together. For a while, he lived with his mom. Every time I called to talk to him she would say he was not there, I needed to stop stalking him and just say degrading things about me to me all around. He was not allowed to live there and hang out with me... we hung out anyway. She has chased me with baseball bats, thrown large heavy objects at my car and threatened to shoot me. When my boyfriend lived with his mom she constantly demanded money for bills and always threatened to kick him out. Finally, I convinced him to get a place of his own so that we could have some shot of seeing one another decently on a regular schedule. I ended up moving in with him and surprisingly, his mom was very helpful during the move. She bought us dishes and other household necessities because we were broke from the move. She spoke decently towards me and kept saying she wants to get along with me. I have been living with my boyfriend in our apartment for two and half months. We both work challenging jobs trying to make it in this world. Since we both work we do not have a lot of free time together, which I think is very valuable in a relationship. Well everyday his mom calls trying to figure out when he is off work so that she can come pick him up and he can remodel her kitchen, help her clean her house, help her go shopping and run errands and buy plants for her garden that he will end up tending all summer. Even if he tells a little white lie and says he is working when he is off she just shows up at the house to pick him up, like she did today. It does not seem to matter if we have plans or have little free time together he goes and helps her every time she asks... which happens to be almost everyday he is off work. Then she does little things like invite us over for dinner so she can say things like, well with all I do for you then you can help me out a little. She also buys random things for our house that we do need and uses the same line.

    Today I left work during lunch so I could home and enjoy my lunch time with my man since he was off work. Well on my way here I passed him riding in the car with his mom. I honked the horn and followed them so they would pull over and I could see what the heck was going on. I said 'what are you doing?' He replied that he was going to buy plants and plant them in his mom's garden. I was a little irritated and did not respond kindly. Then his mom chimed in, 'I am also going to have to borrow $20 for gas!' Borrowing money to his family never works out because they always come up with an excuse as of to why they should not have to pay him back (he borrowed his brother $300 a couple months ago and now his brother does not think he needs to pay that back... that's another story). Anyways, his mother heard that was upset and said to me, well I don't care if you're mad.

    So I got off work today thinking that we would have a nice relaxing evening together before he goes to work all weekend, but it is not going to happen cause he is still with his mom kissing her butt for whatever reason. I would get over it and accept that the night is not going the way I expected, but this happens ALL THE TIME. Anyways, his mom knows I am upset and at first she was calling me a heffer and other names, but I guess she has calmed down a little now because she just left me a voicemail saying something to the gyst of, "I know you're upset. I do not know why. I do not see anything wrong with me asking him to buy plants for the garden. We should try to talk about this like adults." I will admit that the voicemail rather surprised me... I expected her to be cussing me out, but she was kind. I guess I need to talk to her.

    All of this is just driving me crazy. I feel like his mom is dictating our lives and he is letting her. For example, our house is a wreck, but we need to go clean hers and help her? And if we do not help when she asks she tells her son to drop dead and never talk to her again and so on and so on.

    Almost every bit of free time we could have together is monopolized by his mother... and nobody seems to care or think there is anything not right about that but me!!

    All I know is that this is making me CRAZY!! Advice, suggestions, thoughts, comments??? My own friends and family are tired of me complaining about this to them!!
     
  2. skitzo child

    skitzo child PEACEFUL LIBRA

    Holy story time
     
  3. FlowerMama

    FlowerMama Member

    First of all, if he's old enough to have his own place then he needs to cut the umbilical cord.
    Secondly he should ball up and tell his mum: "Hey, I can't come over - me and Lily flower have the night off so we're doing something."
    Thirdly, if he's working full time, he SHOULD be helping with bills or paying rent while staying at his mum's - she was probably so helpful in the move because he was a failure to launch.

    Also, mature adults don't chase each other down in cars; it sounds like you hadn't made any solid plans to have lunch together; so while its annoying, it's not his fault he had made other plans.
    His mum sounds crazy to have come after you with a bat and threatening you etc; so all the more reason to make some space between y'all.

    And this should go without saying DON'T lend or BORROW any money from them, you know it'll only bite you in the ass.

    ~ FlowerMama
     
  4. needagal

    needagal Member

    I know you love him a lot, but I can't resist saying- Your man is not a man.

    He is a boy, and you need to make a man out of him, for both of you's sake.

    or- are you afraid of losing him, if you get harsh with him?
     
  5. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

    Do you know why your boyfriend's mother does all those things? Because she can.

    It's not your job to manage her. That's his job.
    It sounds like he doesn't know how to say no to her and only do things for her that he wants or agrees to do beforehand.

    He needs to set her straight and cut the cord.
    To do that he has to grow up and set himself straight first.

    If he doesn't do it, than he isn't mature enough to be in a committed relationship.
     
  6. MJlovesyarn

    MJlovesyarn Guest

    Wow! This is pretty much what my daughter is going through with her boyfriend. They were living with his mother for awhile (at her invitation), helping her out with household chores, shopping, paying bills. But she pulled the same stunts as your boyfriends mother, and the boyfriend is just as bad. He asked my advice and I told him you have to stand up to her, she may not like it and she may get mad, but she will get over it in time. Her job was to set you on the right path in life, not put a gate with a padlock across it.

    Lily flower, I will tell you exactly what I told my daughter, if your boyfriend does not stand up to his mother nothing will ever change no matter what you do.
     
  7. deleted

    deleted Visitor

    ex military and even I cant control my mom..

    someday's I want to drop her off on the talibans doorstep..
     
  8. Meliai

    Meliai Banned

    Your boyfriend needs to set boundaries. it shouldn't be your job to talk to his mom about this. He has to be the one to do it because his mom is going to respect his point of view more so than yours.

    You didn't really mention his perspective but it sounds like he is spending most of his free time with his mom with little regards to your feelings - this seems to be the real root of the problem. You guys need to have a conversation about it and arrive at a solution together and then he needs to relay this to his mom. Maybe he could set aside one day a week to eat dinner with his mom and help her around the house, leaving the rest of the week to you. Whatever the solution may be, you need to really make sure you guys are on the same page so you can stand as a united front against his mom. It sounds like the biggest problem lies with him because he doesn't seem to be on the same page as you.
     
  9. Ely North

    Ely North Member

    Become your boyfriend's mother. Style your hair like hers, dress like her, talk like her, mimic her body movements, and adopt her personality. Then he'll start paying more attention to you.
     
  10. Mother's Love

    Mother's Love Generalist

    while both are in the room-

    "oh, youre going _____ with your mom? thats unfortunate." "why?"
    "because i bought a new toy. (because i was going to spend the afternoon fucking your brains out) i guess i will have to play by myself. "

    or walk into YOUR living room where YOUR boyfriend is relaxing off from work (innocently not aware (lol) that shes there) in a saucy lingerie. "oh, im sorry, but you are in MY home bitch, and unless you are planning to fuck him on his day off i suggest you leave."
    or simply "we have plans." maybe with leather and a riding crop.

    she has controlled him his whole life. would you relinquish such control so easily? shes passive aggressive. she is manipulative. she invites you to dinner, buys you a whatever.... "no thanks, i dont accept gifts on conditions. " because they come with conditions. you accept this _____ and she gets to keep exerting control over her son through guilt.

    you NEED very little to run a household. stop accepting whatever shes giving you. tell her to spend that gift money putting gas in her fucking car. YOU spend the money you will no longer be "loaning" her on the stuff you need or want for your place. Woman up. be more woman. be confident. and make her back down.
     
  11. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

    It's not her place to do anything. It's his place to manage his mother.

    Your suggestions are catty, passive-aggresive, designed to instigate (even more) conflict and put OP's boyfriend in the spot and in a very uncomfortable position.

    If my partner put me on the spot in front of others and tried to make me uncomfortable on purpose, this would do no favours to our relationship.

    Besides, comparing a partner and a mother is just impossible, since these are two different roles. He's not deciding between two potential partners.

    If OP wants to give her boyfriend an ultimatum, it's something between the two of them, so having his mother there is neither constructive nor appropriate. The OP's problem is with her boyfriend not directly with her mother in law, so there's no reason for her to engage in direct conflict with her at all.

    PS: OP doesn't have to make anyone do anything. She's responsible only for her own choices, and her boyfriend is responsible for his. You can't make people change themselves. They only do it when they want to.
     
  12. la Principessa

    la Principessa Old School HF Member

    Talk to your boyfriend about it seriously. Tell him you feel neglected and that his mother is rude towards you. If he's okay with the way she's pushing you aside then maybe he's not the right man for you.
     

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