monogamy or nonmonogamy

Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by Fern, May 11, 2004.

  1. Fern

    Fern Member

    my partner and i have a baby together. he's 16 months old. since we have been together we have both seen other people a bit but now we arent living together and we are sort of trying to not be together, but its not easy with a kid and hormones and all we are thinking about non monogamy. to me its a lot easier said than done. im an emotional person. i cant help feeling sad that he wants to see other people. not that i dont want to but its different for him, he is happy for me if i see other people. i want to feel like that for him, but i get so scared that ill get left behind taking care of our child while he runs off with the new love of his life. so does anyone have any good advice? stories ect?

    fern, elwynn and chaos
  2. neckienoo

    neckienoo Member

    I would talk to your boyfriend about the way you're feeling. Maybe you can work something out. See, I get really emotional too when I care deeply for someone. I want to be their only woman!!! Do you have a specific reason that you two can't be monogamous?
  3. Tamee

    Tamee naked

    only do whatever you feel is absolutely right and makes you happy.
  4. Incubus

    Incubus Banned

    thanks for bringing another baby into the world, too bad his dad is a dead beat and his mom is a slut... it should be a crime for losers to breed.
    Mickle likes this.
  5. lovelyweapon

    lovelyweapon Member

  6. sicko

    sicko Member

  7. Fern

    Fern Member

    um, because he wants to be with other people, thats why! i mean we have a child together. what i want is a happy family. i want security that im not going to get left in the ditch, but he wants to fuck everything that i guess ill just move on.

    and he knows what im saying. he's right here reading it. he knows how i feel but to him his feelings of needing something else are more than his feeling of love for me and his son, obviously, or he wouldnt feel this way
  8. know1nozme

    know1nozme High Plains Drifter

    I and my soul-mate/life-partner/spouse/what-you-will have an open relationship and have had one for, well... just about since our relationship started (many years). We keep no secrets from each other, we have no jealousy. We were both well into the double-digits in terms of sexual partners when we met and we are glad because the experience made us incredible lovers. We are careful and to this day, neither of us has contracted any disease nor had to deal with unwanted pregnancies. We agree that it possible (nay preferable) to love many people at the same time and that friendships which extend into physical intimacy are simply closer friendships. We put each other first and before engaging in intimacy with anyone else we make certain that our potential partners know this.

    Over the years, we have found it necessary to break off intimate relationships with others outside our unit because an outside partner had fallen in love with one of us and was unable to cope with the closeness of our relationship (that is, they were jealous). This has happened a few times and each time it was a sad and difficult experience. We have met other couples who claimed to have strong open relationships, only to find out later, that this wasn’t actually the case – these people had only thought themselves capable of such a thing, but they were wrong. These experiences were also sad and painful. In some instances we have been able to maintain friendships with these people, but usually not.

    For the last few years we have not had any intimacy outside of our unit. For one thing, we aren’t looking (nor have we ever, really, we just welcomed the opportunities which presented themselves to us). More importantly, we have developed a fear of that painful moment when we must sever a wonderful friendship due to the jealousy which seems to crop up so often in our other partners.

    We have come to the conclusion that we are unique. It is sad, but that is the way of it. We take great pleasure in pleasing each other physically, so that is not an issue, but we often commiserate with one another about how nice it would be to be able to share our love on a intimate level with others whom we love. Perhaps, one day...

    I don’t know if this helps any, but it is the best information I can provide and it is borne from direct experience.

    Best wishes with your relationship.
  9. nimh

    nimh ~foodie~

    poly relationships/open relationships can be reallllly emotionally hard to do. if your relationship with your partner is already not doing well, and you're not sure about having an open relationship, then think on it some more. adding more people to the mix is only going to make things more complicated.

    peace and love

    ps, did you guys do any kind of relationship counselling?
  10. AutumnAuburn

    AutumnAuburn Senior Member

    It sounds like you both want two opposite things. You want him as a monogamous partner and he wants to play the field. It sounds like you are both being honest about your wants/needs with each other and this is a great thing, keep it up.

    Take this how you wish... But, I think you need to let go of your dream of a happy little family with him. He doesn't want that and will likely end up cheating on you anyways, since he does not wish to be exclusive.

    The best thing (in my opinion) that you can do, is be roommates. Don't have sex with him, if you can't keep from being emotionally attached. If you can prevent the emotions (hard to do, once they're already there, but it can be done), then just be "friends with benefits".

    You are *both* entitled to your happiness. Maybe someday he will be ready to "settle down" and be a family. He's obviously not ready for that, right now. And forcing him into playing the part, will only damage your relationship, in the future.

    And who knows, maybe you'll meet Mr. Wonderful, one of these days. I know from personal experience that step parents can sometimes be better than biological parents. :)

    Good luck.
  11. BigScary

    BigScary Member

    Opening up a relationship is one of the most difficult things two people can do, and probably their last as a couple if they have even a speck of jealousy, insecurity or distrust.

    The Ideal way to have an open relationship is to never close it in the first place!
    Easier said than done I realize, and it took a couple of failed marriages, really bitter break ups, psycho-therapy (i.e. can ya hep me git rid of dis psycho") and good old fashioned yelling-crying-screaming-slamming-the-door-goodbye before I realized that people can say "I love you" with such hollow conviction that eventually I regarded that phrase as equivalent to "I hate you, and I am gonna stick faithfully with you every day to remind you of why you should hate me."

    Eventually, I simply had to let it go - sad and broken minded - convinced that there was just something wrong with me and that I would be forever alone.

    Now I have the ability to be open and I choose not to, because I really love her. So much that sometimes I will invite another guy over 4 a tag team!

    Love is not what you want the other person to give up to prove your devotion, love is what you are willing to let go of, in order to keep something special from becoming anything less.

  12. WayfaringStranger

    WayfaringStranger Corporate Slave #34

    might not work out. relationships between 2 people will never be ideal or perfect, you have to compromise to make it last. if you let others in, they may steal you away from eachother, by pointing out your weakness, and hiding thiers. i think you should only let him sleep with other women while your there sharing in the fun. i also feel that more than one man is gross.
  13. thespeez

    thespeez Member

    This is a good example of how polyamory can enhance a relationship! I admire your candidness. It is stated that people in such relationships usually have fewer problems than those in 'conventional' relationships.
    For the record, Much of how monogamy-at least in Western society-was made the norm had nothing to do with spirituality, but with politics. Monogamy was largely the standard in ancient Rome, and to influence the early church as much as possible, the government influenced much of the formation of the church in the fourth century by incorporating many political values. One of these was monogamy.
    There are many good polyamorous support groups out there! I urge all to check them out! here are a few:
  14. Ginge

    Ginge Ye Olde Member

    Monogamy, polygamy, I say people should do whatever they feel is right and would be best for the relationship. :)

    So long as they don't spread any diseases...
  15. thespeez

    thespeez Member

    AMEN! ...and also take percautions to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

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