Mom problems

This is going to be hard to write but here it goes.
In my family, my biggest pet peeve is seeing my parents bicker and argue at each other over the most insignificant things. Primarily my mother is the most vocal force behind these conflicts, and my dad usually allows her to carry on, and he takes a verbal beat-down from her. I think he does this because he doesn't want to escalate the problem, and picks his battles selectively. Mom on the other hand, seems to fight every possible battle even if it isn't worth having. Because of this, she has become very manipulative, controlling, and overbearing whenever we visit. My sister seems to feel the same way about her. Except my sister has had enough of her, and is giving her the silent treatment because of her controlling and overbearing behavior. I want my sister and my mother to get along again, so I try to help out my mother via constructive criticism. But she won't have it, coming from me. Her therapist said that "the desire to control comes from fear," which I completely agree with. The problem is that when I try to call my mom out on this when she's being controlling, she gets very thin skinned and takes deep offense to it. Like she will storm away from me in tears.

It happened today when I was driving my parents out to dinner. Parents started bickering over something really pointless (the topic was whether or not this was recycling week for me). So I told them to drop it because it's no big deal. But mom kept on bickering with my dad until the point where I said, "Shut Up you both are like children!" So mom slapped me in the arm as i was driving. Later, I told her why I was irked with her, and she stormed out of the restaurant. Now she won't talk with me at all. I don't feel that I should apologize to her for telling her where she went wrong, even though I know she's expecting an apology from me. This is how she manipulates me though; she will get defensive, sob, and guilt trip me about how much she works for me and I show zero appreciation (which is false).


I can begin to see why my sister can't handle her anymore. I'm sure with her trying to be independent and being married with two kids, it's even more difficult when grandma is trying to be a controlling factor in her life, than it would be with me where I'm not at that point yet.

 

Family relationships sure are hard. I know what it's like to be related to a controlling person. It's easy to say get as far away from them as possible, but much harder to do. I sure don't know any other way to retain one's sanity than to stay away from them, though.

 

I agree with you--you don't owe her an apology. Perhaps, for your own mental health, you should set some clear boundaries with her and stick by them (much easier said than done).

 

Interesting quote, I don't have much to add in regards to the rest of the post.

 

Controlling people are usually pretty anxious themselves. They use control as a way to ameliorate their anxiety.

 

Poor them, but what can you do about it? The way they act is way over the top. You can't live around people like that. It's terrible for you.

 

Anxiety must be a factor. I can see how my mother can be very anxious over things she has little knowledge about, or little control over. She is one to come up with some pretty bizarre conspiracy theories about people in my life she hardly knows.

I learned that the more information I shared with my mother, the more likely she is to get anxious. Usually I come to her for help and insight, but I often share more information with her than necessary, and it can become a problem.

 

How old is your mom?

 

Sounds like you have to walk on eggshells.

 

Thats a tough one.

You cant make people change, but its also really difficult to just walk away from a family member like you could with any other toxic person.

I have no advice, just commiseration

 

Sorry to hear that it's like this

In principle you could try going to family counseling, if everyone's willing to go

Maybe your folks could try marriage counseling

It sounds like she's manipulative, yet on some level doesn't comprehend that what she is doing is wrong

 

I heard some advice once that I've found to be a real game-changer.

When someone wants to argue just answer them with "You're right".

It totally disarms them.

No matter what the say just keep replying with "You're right".

Soon they learn that there's no use in trying to get you going.

 

No no no. You say "You're right" to my sister one too many times, for instance, and you're looking for real trouble. Real trouble.

 

My mum was like the boss when I was growing up, not even my dad or my grandaddy wanted much to do with her in terms of arguments lol. I never particularly got along with her either. I always thought I was the one she never wanted. While my sisters got to play and go to school etc. She just sent me off with my dad, which was way cool BTW. No school and travel Europe farmers markets. Jokes on you mum.

Now days we are fine and happy. I'm not sure what it was, I don't think I've really ever asked it's just how it was. I guess I was always a brat, so I probably just pissed her off lol.

Still though like I don't think my dad likes arguing with her, she can have quite the wicked mouth, no doubts where I get mine from.

 

Does your satan take space in you kitchen 20hrs a day?? . If not, you are lucky.

 

Go to school
Come home
MOTHERRRRRRRR!
MOTHERRRRRRRR!

 

I forgot to mention in the OP, after she stormed out of the restaurant, I got a phone call from an employer who offered me a part time job doing something I enjoy doing. I send my mom 2 text messages telling her the good news and asking her to come back. She wouldn't respond. And still held a grudge in the car ride back, and wouldn't speak much with me, aside from a mere "congratulations."

64. So she's well passed menopause. But for some reason she's been more emotionally fragile than she has been in the past.

Well it's not quite that bad. Yet.
She is still supportive and loving of me.
At this point, I feel that as I wrote the OP I have realized her mental gymnastics.

Personally I think it is my mother who needs the counseling the most. I dunno how often she sees her therapist though. Ironically my sister who won't talk to her, is a professional trained and licensed therapist herself. My parents' marriage is still going well even though they bicker a lot. My father worked a high-stress job most of his life where he dealt with people dying and grieving families very frequently, and I think that's why he's always been thick-skinned and immune to senseless arguing from his family members.

That's cool. I can see this being useful for conflict de-escalation of petty and insignificant arguments. But I don't think I can tell my mother she's right every time, or it might reinforce this rotten behavior.

 

I think you're just experiencing the effects of the behavior she's established with your Dad all these years.

It's a pattern now. It's how she communicates. It's her comfort zone. I doubt you'll get her to change it at this point. The trick is to change it on your end. Don't let her make you "react". Take your time and choose how to reply instead.

You might want to say, "Mom, I can see you're upset. What can I do to help you?".

That might give her a chance to see you in more of a mature light.

She probably is afraid at her age. If dad doesn't take an assertive roll in the family and the daughter has distanced herself, then Mom still has to be the strong one.

Try going up there to the level she imagines herself at and ask her how you can help with the things that frustrate her.

It might make a change.

Don't, however, let her imagine that you are teaming up with her against your dad. Make it clear that if there is some way to lesson the origin of the stress then you are willing to offer your help to both of them.

 

Probably all just comes down to you mom never having a decent shag


And yes, I am actually serious

 

I think it's a fairly common thing that comes with aging and retirements. My parents bickered over every stupid little thing. It seemed to start when Dad retired. I couldn't be around it. But who are we to judge? They were only married once. At it lasted over 60 years. Nobody knows each other better than them.

I have elderly neighbors I sort of watch over. In their 70s. They constantly bicker over the stupidest little things.

I think they(all of the examples above) have little to focus on compared to when they had a life of work, raising kids etc., that they just have to find something to expend their energies over.

When my dad stopped bickering, he passed away soon after. Then mom spent all her time missing him. They are of a different generation. Totally co-dependent.