MMF Threesome & Mixed Feelings Advice

Hello all! This will be a long rant, so thank you for reading.

Several months ago my fiance proposed that we try an mmf with his best friend. It had been a strong fantasy he had, but I was torn on the topic at first due to worrying about what would happen after the sex, what his best friend would think, etc. My fiance assured me many times that everything would be fine, that he knew his best friend would be up for it, and that he loved me no matter what I decided. For me, it became a moral issue. I wanted to do it since my fiance seemed so keen on the idea, and I really craved it as well, despite feeling guilty about that craving. My fiance and I spoke several more times on the issue and I felt it was something I wanted to do after all. Soon after, my fiance spoke to his best friend and he was completely up for it. This surprised me considering how morally upstanding his best friend is (he's an extremely loyal friend to my fiance and is more of a brother to him).

To make a long story short, about a week later his best friend came over and we played truth or dare games to get us started. My fiance and I weren't sure how far the entire thing would go, but by the end of the night we had our mmf threesome, and many more times after that (we're still having them on a daily basis). I truly enjoy them, as does my fiance, but now I'm getting worried that I'm becoming too emotionally attached to his best friend. His best friend comes over to hang out almost every day (they work out every day), he's a great guy, and very similar to my fiance. We all act very casual and normal outside of the sex acts, and we're all very comfortable around one another. I love my fiance with all of my heart, and it's such a turn on to see him enjoy our mmf time, but I'm starting to feel like it's more of a polygamous relationship than simply mmf times...and scary enough I'm starting to like that idea. However, I think I'm the only one out of us three that feels that way. I'm a traditional person so I'm shocked at even my own self for thinking this...I don't want a polygamous relationship though since it would take away too much from me and my fiance, but I'm really happy when we're all together. To put bluntly, I'm extremely confused about my feelings. I can talk to my fiance about anything except for this. I would never want to hurt him. I don't even feel necessarily in love with his friend, but I just have feelings for him that have developed through all this...something that I was trying to avoid. Any advice people have about this situation would be great.

Side note: I have talked to my fiance about quitting the threesomes b/c I told him I feel wrong about it sometimes. He said that if I want to we can but that he really enjoys them and that I seem too as well, so he would like for us to continue. Also, there is no interaction between my fiance and his best friend during the mmfs, and sometimes my fiance prefers to just watch me and his friend together.

Again, sorry for the long message. Thanks again for any advice.

 

It is clear that it is time for you and your fiancé to move on. Because this is causing stress, it has run its course. Plain and simple.

 

If you enjoy being shared and your BF does too, but all you're worrying about is that you maybe enjoying it too much, to the point that polygamous relationship is starting to look good, then I would stop worrying. You've hit the lottery. You don't have to have a polygamous relationship to continue. Just count you blessings and enjoy yourself. But if your worried that you maybe having the type of feelings for your BF's buddy that is reserved for your BF then you may be headed for trouble. If your having regular sex with someone it's only normal to have feelings for them, but if you're falling in love with him, then there will be trouble ahead. Don't you think that having regular daily sex with someone, that it would be normal to care about that person. Have sex with someone is a pretty intimate thing to do, but to do it as much as you do, how could you not care about them. But that does not mean that you're in love with them. Only you can answer that.

 

@celticman4: I appreciate the input, but it's not so serious to the degree that I would leave my fiance. I definitely want to stay with him, and leaving b/c of the threesome is no where in my thoughts.

@bob44044: Thank you bob! This may be why I'm so confused. I suppose it may just be that I care for him even more now than I did before. I always liked him since he was such a nice guy and always looked out for my fiance, and those feelings probably have grown more with our daily mmfs. Thanks for helping me sort my thoughts out. You're right though, I have hit the lottery xP

 

That's the problem with 3ways, not to be harsh or sexist, but women tend to just get more emotionally involved MFM or FMF or what ever. Especially now that it's been going on for a while and you are now having these feelings you need to take a long hard look at the situation. @bob is right though. You had a great time and hit the jackpot but you may risk losing both if you keep as is. Most swingers I know all ready have an established solid relationship before they bring in a third play mate. I might suggest bringing up the polygamous idea to your fiancee. If that falls flat stick with him

 

My wife had mixed emotions when we first started having threesomes. You have to understand that to sleep with someone that much, it's easy for feelings to come into play. We were like you guys, we were fucking every single day for close to a year. My wife said she loved it and one day she was just kinda over it. We are all still friends and as much as I enjoy it, I would never ask her to do something that intimate just for my pleasure. I love her as much as ever and she does me. If she wants to start back then that's fine, if not, I am fine with having her all to my self. Good Luck !

 

While we are toying with the idea of swinging.. we've flat out denied any interest with friends or best friends.

 

I see nothing wrong with a mfm threesome. My gf and I had a few, but never on a daily basis. Tried to keep it for special occasions.

I can see where there could be a problem, if you let emotions take over. Like Yggdrasil said playing with friends, can cause problems. As long as your boyfriend likes it, I see no problem. Now have to wonder, what will happen, if you stop. You have to do, what you are happy with.

 

Like someone else said, do you really have feelings for this guy or do you just care about him?

 

You say that you've talked to your fiance about stopping, but have you actually come out and told him about how your feelings towards his best friend are changing? If not, now would be a really good time to do so.

You say that you are becoming to "emotionally attached" to his best friend, but don't necessarily love him (the best friend.) You might want to consider adding "yet" to the end of that statement about love. Given the way you already feel about him, there's a pretty good chance that it'll happen.

Some people in stable threesomes seem to be able to maintain a mutually agreeable emotional attitude for all involved, while others can't. My wife and I were in what we both considered to be a really GREAT threesome with our best (male) friend for about half a year. What finally caused it to fail was that my wife was starting to fall in love with our friend and I was starting to become jealous by what I perceived as an imbalance of attention that she was paying to me versus him during our fucking sessions. She told me (years later) that she was hoping the three of us would be able to form a stable, long-term polyamorous relationship, but it didn't work out.

So, again, talk to your fiance about your feelings towards his friend. Once everything is out in the open (with all three of you, I might add), if both of the guys are cool with it, maybe you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

 

To what extent (point) do you have feelings for him?

 

On the subject of sharing your wife with another man, the important question is "WHO?" You can decide between men that you know well, men that you know, but who are not close friends, and then total strangers.

There is a certain amount of risk, whomever you choose, but it is much, much safer to choose someone from the first or third category, and never from the second.

The men in the first group have an "investment" in you, and your friendship, and will be unlikely to do anything to violate that friendship. If he does fuck your wife, he will continue to be your friend, and respect you, and even understand why you have included him in your sex lives. And, he will not tell others of what you are doing.

The man in the third group is NOT a friend, but the fact that he does not know you, and may know nothing else about you, means that he will have no way to do any damage to you later. He will simply fuck your wife and move on. Yes, there are certain risks involved in meeting with men you do not know, but these can be minimized by careful planning.

The second group is the most dangerous because they know you, but do not have an investment in you, so there is no reason why they need to be discreet. If they so choose, they can tell others who also know you what you have done together, and who knows what the cost of that might be?

 

Thank you to all who answered! I haven't been on in a while, but I see I have several more responses. I did bring up the polygamous idea (in joking mind you because I chickened out too much to make it a serious inquiry) and my fiance didn't seem too keen on it. Again, I don't really want a polygamous relationship because I can't imagine my life being centered on two men. Trying to focus on pleasing my fiance is good enough for me--as I stated, I'm a traditional person so I want to keep our relationship as it is.
Truly though, I'm still sorting my feelings out about his best friend. I could be wrong, but it seems that he is also getting more emotionally invested in this as well. He is being more open with me, initiating sexual acts (originally it was only my fiance), and overall appears to care about my well-being. This could all be a result of him just getting more comfortable since we're having the threesomes so much, but I'm not sure.
@buzzgunner: Thank you for your advice. You're right, I should probably discuss this with my fiance, but I'm scared of the result...as well as still not 100% sure of my own feelings on all of this. I'm kind of purposely suppressing them I suppose. I feel that, at this point, it would be difficult to just stop the threesomes. If I did, I think I would really crave them every time he was around...argh, this sounds terrible, doesn't it? I'm getting upset at myself for having these feelings in the back of my mind and not knowing what to do...But yes, talking to my fiance probably is for the best.

 

I'm in an open marriage. If I'd develop feelings for another man I'd stop seeing him. And if he was a friend of my husband's, I'd talk to him about the way I feel.

One of the reasons we can do this is that we can talk about everything. It doesn't mean we'll agree, nor solve all issues, but we won't hide them. At least all will be in the open between us. I think that's very important.

Unless you wanna give up on your relationship with your fiancé, do something about this problem, because it won't just disappear. You're breaking the second most strong link between people who love each other and wanna be together: the trust.

In my case, I can have sex with any men I choose, except for my friends. I don't agree with this limit "kind of" imposed by my husband, but I respect it. He knows why I disagree.

I wish you well. It must be a difficult place to be.

 

A great movie example which shows how threesomes evolve and then sometimes dissolve is Vicky Christina Barcelona. They were all for it and then started expressing their feelings for one another then suddenly Christina knew it wasn't what felt right deep down. She wanted to be in her own relationship one on one.

Anyway, are you using protection? This is a very slippery slope no pun intended. Most of our 3somes were one offs. Just a couple of our "guests" we have repeated but those are every few months sometimes 6 months. If you are 100% in love and certain about your fiancé I don't see where there is much you two time. Your relationship needs to grow and though I am for fun you two need your time to do so.

Trust me there is nothing hotter than tag teaming or an outright one in your mouth and one in your (you pick) but doing it everyday becomes an ailment on your relationship. You need to lower the amount of threesomes and have more twosomes with the one you plan to marry. And if he is not in favor of it then he doesn't want to grow with you in a relationship. Plus he is selfish putting his sexual needs above your relationship. Yes, sex is very important but not the only ingredient for LOVE.

 

Perfect example haha. Sometimes, when I'm having REAL trouble deciding how I feel, I'll open up to a good friend and tell them that the worst possible scenario is the truth (In this case, "I like my fiance's friend.") and chat to them as if I'm certain. I find that their input and discussion can throw a whole new light on everything.

I know this is a couple of weeks old, but keep us updated =)

 

I often wonder about these complications when we consider swinging.

Some couples make rules like "never more than once with the same person",
Or not getting to know them beyond getting together for planned play days, and not talking about anything else, just getting to it as one would a tennis match.

I find it hard NOT to care about people in general. I feel a struggle with learning to consider them as sex objects, or toys.

Add this to the scientific facts about sexual relations- physiological effects will, with repeated experiences, cause a emotional attachment! By emotion, I do not mean sentiment or feeling- I mean the chemical reactions, hormonal production, which begins to occur in association with the individual.

If I remember correctly (I may need to research again, it's been a while) men have the same types of physiological conditioning happen, but are just more often used to ignoring them, not acknowledging them consciously. This other guy might have an attachment growing too, which he is just not real aware of, or in denial about.

It's a complex situation, seems to me.

 

Did you ever discuss the possibility of this happening before you decided on a threesome? Perhaps he was thinking of the fantasy he saw in a porn and didn't think of the repercussions of this relationship. He wanted this relationship and you agreed to it. Time to discuss it with him and see where it goes. If he's an ass about you developing feelings, I would dump him. If he decides to make it a twosome and that's what you want, congrats.

 

My wife and I have been in a simular relationship with my bestfriend and we all opted to keep things going for now.