Meant For Each Other

I won't bore you with the details, I'll just say I have this amazing guy, in every aspect, except he can't stop chasing girls online, sexting, etc. I've caught him several times and he's always sorry, only wants me, etc, but can't seem to stop seeking attention from other females.

This man is seriously great. Super affectionate, makes me feel special and loved, works two jobs to help pay for things (I have two kids who's father is a deadbeat), treats my kids like his own...the list goes on and on. I know he's not "playing" me, that he really truly loves me, there's just the sexting thing that he can't seem to stop.

I have never felt like this about anyone and I'm not a youngster, so I've been in plenty of relationships that seemed like the real thing. I know this really is it. I know his problem has nothing to do with me not being "enough", but is there something I can do to help him stop? Does anyone have any experience with this working out?

 

You can tell him how it makes you feel, without blaming him or saying he's wrong. You can ignore what he's doing or you can negotiate some terms, learn what he's getting from it and decide if there is something he can do that gives him the same or similar interaction that he wants and make an agreement to that...or you can ask him if he really does see your relationship the way you see it...if you two are looking for the same thing. Maybe he has no intention of ever ending his flirting, even though he doesn't want to hurt you, there might just be a conflict there. I'm sure he could stop if he wanted to, but obviously he doesn't want to...so you're either seeing your relationship in different ways or he simply isn't ready for the kind of relationship you've agreed to.

 

Another option would be to accept it as a part of who he is rather than to perceive it as a "problem". I mean, if you truly believe he is so amazing in every respect but have a problem with an aspect of him at the same time, then maybe he isn't really "it" after all. Who knows, maybe the sexting and stuff is somehow one of the reasons why he is able to remain amazing to you. In which case, you kind of would be better off not changing that aspect of him. But if you can't accept that, then you'd need to do something about it, obviously.

One thing I can say from my own experience is that when I see beautiful girls, I appreciate my girlfriend(who is definitely gorgeous) that much more. It's not like I actively flirt with other girls, but I still recognize beauty when I see it. I just feel that's natural, and I'm pretty chill about it because my girlfriend, to me, has that extra stuff that makes her more special than all other girls, anyway.

 

Maybe "problem" is the wrong word to use. It certainly hasn't caused any problems in our relationship and hasn't made me question his commitment to me. I think maybe it's selfishness on my part. Kind of like the kid who smothers the puppy because he "loves it so much"?

I worry that he'll form a serious relationship with one of these women and I will be left out in the cold. Really, though, I want him to be happy and, if this helps him do that, my feelings are obviously selfish.

@drumminmama, he does hide it from me, but I don't know why I feel the need to "catch" him. Maybe none of this makes sense, but I'm just trying to flesh out my thoughts. Maybe hide is the wrong word too. No, he doesn't announce he's started chatting with someone, but I don't tell him about every conversation I have either. We communicate very openly about his intentions and he has no intention of ever meeting them in real life. When I say that out loud, it makes me wonder what I'm so worried about.

As far as excess time and energy, it's texting or online messaging, so it doesn't take much effort and I receive no less attention. I suppose the societal norm that women need to compete with each other is more engraved in me than I realized.

Lastly, I don't think he wants to stop, but he doesn't want to hurt me, so he tries to.

I suppose it's me who needs to change my thinking, huh? My previous relationship was horribly abusive and I think having been through that, I have trouble trusting my judgment. I dread overlooking something that I will see later as a huge red flag.

 

I would say that this is a very slippery slope and I think that it is very natural to have concerns. The way that you identified the problem was by explaining all the things that he does first, so you need to really look deep down and make sure you are justifying this poor behavior because you care deeply about him. This reminds me of the age old saying, 'love blinders'. Now my relationship is going to be different then someone else (We do not watch porn or participate in that kind of sexual behavior) but I will do my best to respond objectively.

Here is where I would have concerns. Sexting is not just looking at porn, in order for someone to send these messages to him he has to engage in some kind of trusting relationship with them that they feel comfortable enough to send messages in the first place and to me that would very much cross the line into emotional cheating. In order to have a successful relationship you and your partner should connect emotionally, physically, sexually, cognitively, etc. and if he is connecting with someone else in an emotional and sexual way that is taking away from your bond. If he were to get defensive about you expressing your concerns that is very much a red flag, but if he is on the same page and agrees then to move forward you should figure out away to fill that space in his life so that he is not tempted to participate in sexting.

Something you need to ask yourself is if he continues the sexting relationships are you ok with that? I personally would never be and that would be a deal breaker for me and thats ok. The main thing in a relationship is trust and communication, if he is hiding this behavior from you and you aren't expressing your concerns then you guys are building up a wall between each other which will eventually affect the positives aspects of the relationship. I hope this helped you a little bit, I know it can always be a bit uncomfortable to bring up something that is a sensitive issue but ultimately it will either bring you closer together or make you realize perhaps he's not the one (and the one is somewhere else out there!) Good luck!

 

the question is: would he do it in real life?

im betting the answer is yes, but im a douche.

 

Explain your feelings to him and hope he's sympathetic to you . If he truly cares about yoiu and wants to pursue a relationship and not lose you he'll work on his issues of seeking female attention.

 

Yes!! Agree!!