Me And My Situation

Okay! Let me just explain that first and foremost, the reason I am making this topic is at the request of my therapist. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very chatty and am an avid reader, and enjoy forums in general (When the people are nice!), but I think I need to take a second here to explain my situation with some clarity. I’ll try not to bore you...but I’m not making any promises~! <3

I am a 19 year old female (Gender) who is physically male (Sex). About a year and a half ago I confessed to my mom that I had always thought of myself as a girl, and was tired of living a lie. After her initial shock and denial (‘Don’t you think God made you a boy for a reason?’, ‘Trust me, you’re NOT girly.’, etc), she eventually agreed to take me to therapy (I have my license but I am a scardey-cat when it comes to driving). For the most part she has been sort of negative, and has talked about how she thinks I am making a mistake, but at the same time she is not actively trying to sabotage what I am trying to accomplish, which I appreciate.

So, basically, what happened was, I freaked. I went to the therapist, things went sour, and I told my mom that even though my feelings hadn’t changed, we should just forget about it. I did a lot of thinking and realized that if I didn’t do something now I’d always regret it. I’d tell myself that I had already wasted 18 years, I could live another 40 or so miserably, or that I wasn’t worth enough to be happy, but I finally got the courage to do it and went to a different therapist this time. A much better one. And friendlier. And she used to be a fashion model, so we get to talk about all sorts of stuff other than just my issues!

Anyway, I had always been shy and anti-social, and I knew it, but I had always attributed this to me being depressed about my situation. I had hoped to go into therapy and get the process moving along quickly, because I was so sure of what I wanted. To make a long portion of the story short, I’m actually glad I wasn’t allowed to jump right in. That isn’t to say my opinion changed, but there were a lot of other issues I needed to deal with (Some relating to the gender issues, some not), and basically, after a few months in therapy, I feel so much happier, even if I haven’t reached my goal yet. I used to sit in class with my head down and ignore everyone, because I was sooo scared and paranoid, but now I can’t stop talking to people, I love it! (You can probably tell I talk too much!) I only wish my friends whom I could really trust were physically around me so I could hang out with them (Out of state friendships can be a drag sometimes).

So, I’m working on a lot of stuff, and have actually changed sooo much. I didn’t even think it was possible. It’s been great for the most part, but honestly, the only really negative reaction I have gotten so far has been from my mother, everyone else has been extremely supportive. I can understand why my mother would be shocked...I’m very good at hiding my interests and behaviors, but my friends were not surprised at all when I told them (Which was actually a huge relief in a way). I used to be fairly cynical, but I never lost hope even when I felt as if things were hopeless. People always told me that things would get better and that I deserve to be happy, and I think finally, this is what they were talking about.

For the most part now, it’s just so much easier to be myself. I’m not completely comfortable in all aspects of myself right now (Especially in public), but I no longer deny myself certain things. And I’m also much more comfortable about talking like myself. I used to swear a lot and act all tough and cynical around people when in reality, I’m really just the sweetest girl. Well...most of the time. -Grin-

(On that note...I’m sometimes paranoid that people will be thinking I’m ‘acting’ or ‘trying to hard’ to be girly, but it’s just not true! My fears are probably unfounded, but I still get that feeling sometimes, especially since my mother still doesn’t really believe me.)

So, as for the process itself, I’ve been evaluated over several months and am considered stable enough and have talked about the situation and process with my therapists quite extensively. In about a month or so things will be arranged to actually start the course to begin physically changing, and I would be lying if I said that I’m not totally excited about it.

So that’s basically it in a nutshell~!

A little bit about me for the curious (I told you I like talking!):


~Thing I Like~

-Anime (All sorts! Mostly romance and comedy stuff, though.)

-TV (House, Heroes, So You Think You Can Dance, Ninja Warrior, and Scrubs are the main ones.)

-Reading (Catcher In The Rye is my favorite book, but I like all sorts of stuff! Again, I’m a sucker for fantasy/romance.)

-Writing (I hope to either one day be an author or a teacher...or both!)

-Drawing (I’m somewhat of an artist...not terrible, not great. I just do it for fun.)

-Cooking (I am terrible at it though, so don’t ask me to make anything for you! <3)

-Video Games (Mostly RPGs and story driven stuff. I also like simulation things like the Sims [Totally looking forward towards Spore!]. I’m also a HUGE Rock Band junkie.)

-Animals (My cat died recently though...I miss him so much.) =(

-Fashion (Clothes, shoes, hair...what’s not to love?!)

-Music (R&B, acoustic stuff, pop, some alternative rock, and my favorite genre ever....SOUTHERN ROCK!)

-Boys <3

So, that’s all for now. Congrats to anyone who read all of this!

[font=&quot]Later~! <3

P.S. For the curious, here is a picture of what I currently look like:
Piccy!
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welcomen!!
Hope you enjoy it here!!!

 

I'm the same age and pretty much feel the same way about "I've already wasted 18 years of my life..." but there isn't anything I can do about it. My mom didn't even consider it. She was like "It's a phase, you'll get over it!" This was like 5 or 6 years ago. Has it gone away? Nope. It's gotten worse.

Anyways, I hope the therapy goes well for you. It's always nice to hear somebody actually going somewhere with this.

 

Thank you! But at the same time it saddens me that you aren't in a situation that makes you happy. =(

I know how tough it is, and I'm sure I'm the last person you want to hear saying this, but just hang in there!

Obviously, I can't say things will work out exactly as you want them to, but here's to hoping!