[I decided to start writing my excursions down. This is the first part of that document and also the first part of my experience with psychedelics. I've finished writing yesterday but my encounter with MDMA happened mid July.] I sought inspiration or guidance to take hold of my life. I have some issues with low self esteem, depression, and suicidal thoughts were not uncommon at that time. I was finding the university to be too big of a task. I was in a dark place but the summer was a nice break from all that. I had a summer job which acquired physical work outside and it cheered me right up. Man Dansar Med Allt I had only smoked marijuana before. A friend and I went for a short camping trip midsummer. We were by a lake and there was a small but loud waterfall by our camp. He had some shrooms with him that he was excited for me to try out but I felt that it wasn't the right time for me. I was dealing with some stuff and was afraid of a bad trip. We were originally planning on taking them during the daytime but as luck would find it there were some other campers around and waited therefore until night. It was unfortunate as the visuals would have been better if we could actually see anything. We didn't do any mushrooms but MDMA was still on the table. It was pure in crystalline form and there was no color in it so far as I could see. We sat in my buddy's goahti and rolled the crystals in bits of TP for easier, less nasty ingestion(parachuting, right?). I was warned of a bad taste but I was curious and put some on my tongue anyway. Regrettably. It wasn't death but as soon as it hit my tongue this chemical sensation started spreading across my tongue. I can't really call it a taste. It felt electronic. It was dark but we had a little fire going. I sat in front of it while my buddy answered to the call of nature. We had stacked the wood so that it created a little cave of searing white and red colored inferno. I was a bit nervous as to how I would take to the psychedelic, it being my first ever except for Mary Jane. As I was looking into that cave of light, about five or so minutes after, my body started tingling. Soon after the visuals kicked in. It was as if someone took hold of the back end of the fire grotto and moved it around, making it seem like it was looking into this world. A bit like a Thiodina jumping spider moving its eyes. At that time my friend comes back, puts some trippy music on through his enormous speaker and tells me to start dancing. Together with the sounds from the small but loud waterfall a few meters away the sound was amazing. We were having our own little two man forest rave, and let me tell you, it was marvelous. At one point I closed my eyes and that's when the "visuals" kicked in. I danced with one of my spirit animals, an owl. Ain't nothing foul about my big-eyed friend's moves! Fowl. Foul. Get it? I'm not sorry. It visits me on my highs sometimes and I'm always glad to see my bud. A couple of songs later I started seeing what I felt. My emotions were manifesting themselves visually. Threads of light were growing from my feet, boring into the earth like roots, connecting me to everything. Each connection point was then connected to everything else. Thinking back I compare it to neurons connecting with each other with their dendrites. I was in awe. Then I started touching myself all over my body. It was pretty comical to say the least. That was when my buddy suggested we hug. He told me that when two people hug for longer than 20 seconds something connects them for life. We did just that. It was one of the best hugs I've ever had. I don't really remember everything as I'm writing this five months after it had happened but he told me at that moment that he loved me. I had known this guy for about a month, barely, at this point and I was telling him that I loved him too. We became brethren of sorts. It took me a while to say it back though and that's when I started getting very introspective. Saying the phrase "I love you" is a muscle memory I do not posses. It doesn't come easily to me. I can count the times I remember saying it to family on one hand. I think my family is the same. That is not to say I do not love, though. This is something I haven't figured out yet. I have enormous amounts of love to give but accepting it is difficult. Hearing someone tell me they love me is nauseating and it's fucking ridiculous. I'm more the type that communicates that love through action rather than through words. This is what started my introspective pacing but that's not the most important part. During all this I started feeling, physically, the amount of love I was picturing to have the potential to. My skin felt taut and the amount that was materializing in me started to jab at my skin, trying to pierce through. I was the hinder to my own potential. We had some good talks. We also sat on a bit of granite that jutted out into the lake and watched the sky, but that was the thought I was left with when the high was gone. I was the hinder to my own potential. The following days were rough. The type of an emotional low I went through was something I've never experienced before. I thought I was broken and I was worried, but my friend reassured me it would pass. Before it did I was immersed in thought. It was as if I could only think in pictures. After about a couple of days of this I felt the need to write it down. So, I wrote a poem of sorts. My body felt it first. (x)The pulse, emanating from my eyes, started to resonate. (x)It reached my soul. (x)With heavy feet my soul urged forward, dragging me along. (x)Suspended, as if caressed, in awe of everything. (x)We stretched towards its core. The source of all. The pith of all illumination. (x)Attempting to see, pleading to face that which radiates unconditional love; (x)as still as nothingness, it mirrored. (x)Into my own soul’s eyes I stared. (x)There a vortex spiraled; therein my essence scattered. (x)I beat my aching chest, my anxious arms reach out. My voice wavers as I try to yell. My being splinters as I kneel and watch. I just kneel and watch. I can’t watch. (x) I saw this, and I kept seeing it. (The images and gifs were found through tumblr. I'm just using them to better relay what I saw. Some are not for epileptic-friendly!) I have stood in the shadow of my vortex. I have stood until the weight of it all threw me to my knees. I faltered, physically and emotionally. I felt as if my will was on the verge of being evaporated. If what I am is a pillar then that pillar was lifted up, pulled apart, and scattered in the thick forest where I make my path. Something shifted in me and it didn't feel right. I don't know if I'll ever want to do MDMA again. At least until I figure some stuff out first. I wish I had written this sooner. It would've been interesting to read that thought process. I'm doing my best to recollect what happened but the details aren't all there. [I met my soul and we bonded. Now, inseparable, we journey together like true adventurers.] ________ Since then I have done DMT twice. Although the MDMA trip left me somewhat in shambles, it also allowed me to connect with my soul. I know I threw that word out there more than a few times while writing this, but there is no better word for it. It is the purest essence of myself. Innocent, bright-eyed, fearless, full of love. I was left heavy-hearted but drew courage knowing that I had its guidance.
Beautiful trip report! That location you dosed the MDMA at sounds beautiful with the waterfall and forest. That's great you met your owl spirit. Good poem. Reintegration from MDMA experiences can be difficult, it's difficult to maintain that level of acceptance and openness as the experience fades.
