Married with kids and sexually frustrated

First time posting and it just feels strange. Also therapeutic. Okay, I am a dad. I’ve been married for 6 years. We have 2 kids - 4 and 2.

Sex has always been somewhat of an issue. Even when we dated I wanted to have sex more than her. She’s an awesome person, and so I feel like I just let it go. Well, I’m not sure if I can really let it go anymore.

I start seeing a therapist next week to talk about it, but I wanted to post here because I’m just feeling so down. We have other issues in our marriage I feel we can work through, but I’m not sure if we can work through this one without help (my reason for seeing a therapist is to work through all issues). My wife doesn’t know why I want to see a therapist (or the full truth). I am a recovering alcoholic with 2 years sober and this is why I told her I wanted to go - to work on myself. Which is true, but it’s also to eventually work on us.

Okay, so we have sex probably 3 times a month. It’s been 2 weeks since we last had sex (I’m tracking it on an app) and that feels shitty too. She just started her cycle, so that means we probably won’t have sex until middle of next week or next weekend. So, where I’m at is I can’t live this way anymore. I’ve adjusted my sex drive as much as I can. My minimum is once a week or I begin feeling irritable - it only intensifies and gets worse the longer we go in between sex. Masturbating helps, but it’s not a long term solution. When we met, I wanted sex everyday or atleast 3-4 times a week. Now, just once a week would be great.

She feels like I pressure her, so I’m trying really hard to back off. She feels like we do it plenty. She doesn’t see an issue at all. I could be wrong, but if it were up to her it would probably be once or twice a month while she is ovulating.

I don’t really have much else to say other than we are a good team, I’m an involved dad, we both work are assess off at work/home, we have a privileged lifestyle, and I don’t believe either 1 of us are blameless in this issue. It’s no ones fault. It is what it is, but I can’t live like this the rest of my life. I give it until our 2 year old starts public school. So, 3 to 3 1/2 years and I could be done.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your insight.

Ed

 

Well, everyone loves to bullshit themselves and everyone else.

By you can tell which guys are going to go on to get married, have kids and actually believe having kids is the most important thing they do.

The difference between a guy that just copies everyone and says stuff like my kids are everything particularly in the company of women because he feels that's what he is supposed to say versus the guy that will say it then sort of blank out for 10 seconds as he is remembering a special memory with his kids.

It's not hard to tell the difference between the two if you are paying close enough attention.

The part you are never really going to wrap your head around is many ladies could see it In you back as a teen, decade or two before you even met this wife

Safe bet your mother in-law had a rough idea how long you were going to stick around , as did the wife herself all along.

You said privileged life style, if you are in some corporate situation, you can also add most of the guys higher up on that corporate ladder in the category of people that can see in you what you think they cant. For the most part you don't get to see most of their personal life. But they are pretty much all married and will stay married for life or they are gay

Whether it's gambling, alcohol or drugs, I can spot an addict a mile away, within seconds before they even open their mouth. You are not going to a therapist because you want the truth, the truth is brutal. You are going because you want him/her to help you try and pretend you have no personal responsibility for your actions

 

Love and marriage. Love and marriage.
Something something like a horse and carriage!
Llaaaaaa lala lala

 

When I was engaged I went through the same same bullshit. Sex was alwayd planned and seldom. I could not.take that shit anymore so I left. Gave her fair warning but she didn't take me serious till the day she came home and saw that I had moved out. I think we should find people that match our sex drive and everyone keep up the bargain and not go switching up as soon as they get comfortable.

 

I LOVED that show, a true classic...lol

 

I think most people with kids get a little sexually frustrated. Exhaustion, alone time, trying to keep quiet etc. It comes with the territory. It does take work, communication, and planning to maintain a decent sex life. I know spontaneity is lost but you can't have it all. Our sex life was slowed down significantly once the children came along but we kept at it and now fuck often. It is great, make all the noise we want

 

I post on a marriage forum and I read these threads a lot there about how wives stop desiring sex (mostly wives) and the men don’t know what to do. It just makes me wonder if for some women, they just wanted the husband, house and kids and once they got that, they view sex as an inconvenience.

 

It's so funny, but those exact thoughts have run through my head. Hmmmmmm

 

Lolz, I am always so peplexed as to why it takes them so long to figure that out

 

Fear of divorce. I think once it gets that bad, the men realize all they would lose in a divorce so they stay. There are some women who claim their husbands have lost sexual interest but they come to find out that they’re being cheated on. If you don’t wanna get married, don’t! lol

 

Is she on any type of hormonal birth control? That can really screw up a woman’s sex drive. I naturally have a very high drive but when I was on birth control pills, I only wanted sex once a week or so. When I was on the birth control shot I NEVER wanted sex. It was a slow progression so I didn’t really associate the lower drive with the birth control. I just assumed it was from having children and being more tired and stressed.
When I’m not on birth control I want sex every day, multiple times.

I hate the cliche of being married and having kids equals no sex. My husband and I have been married over 15 years and have 3 children (9, 7, and 2). To say we have an “active” sex life in an understatement.

Talk to your wife. Let her know how you feel. Ask for a compromise. Once a week is very reasonable. Maybe you two can talk about her fantasies and wants in the bedroom.

 

Lots of men get married and hope the wife will not change. Lots of women get married with the hope the husband will change. They guy doesn't change but the lady does. The result? Discontent.

 

yep, spot on in many cases.

 

My best friend (male) describes it as "men want women and women want babies".. Obviously a simplification, but it does seem to happen that way a lot.

I was dating a guy a few years ago and it wasn't wrong exactly but it wasn't right either and I left. I think at that point, had I been planning to want kids, I would have gone with the "not wrong" part and stayed, because on a subconscious level I'd be aware of time running out and all that stuff. But I wasn't in love with him, it was just sex, and long term sex requires love (to me). Anyway he would have ended up one of these guys and I'd be unhappy and bitter. Haha.

 

Good thinking on your part!

I married my husband for love, and we were friends for a few years prior to dating. There was always this underlying chemistry between us, and it's still very much there, and it'd be sad if someday, we lose that connection, and the love part just becomes like you love any other family member.

 

I've met a few couples who maintain it, both with and without children, and my hunch, off the little I know, is that you and your man will be one of those couples.

 

My wife has her masters in biology and believes men just need it. When the kids were little she would like me fuck her almost any time we had a chance and I wanted some. A lot of times it was just about me blowing a load. I actually find more difficult now that they are teenagers because they’ll know what’s up and so will any of their friends that are over.

 

I think there is this mythical idea out there that women don’t really care about sex and biologically speaking only men care. That’s not true and it creates this distance between couples because men stop learning about ways to please their partner and it becomes all about his needs. I’m not a sperm receptacle lol I enjoy sex and with the right partner, most women do too.

 

You misunderstood, the thought was sometimes we are not on the same page sexually and most men will have sex anytime it’s an option. This is not always the case with women. Yes women enjoy sex and do desire it. My point was my wife understood that and is willing pleasure me just like sometimes I go down on her and pleasure her until she’s satisfied and I expect nothing in return.

 

It's odd that so many couples don't get that, though, isn't it? You don't always have to be 100% in the mood when your partner is...