Married too young? How long does it take...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by sexymesamama, Jun 10, 2006.

  1. sexymesamama

    sexymesamama Member

    Me and Josh have been married for over two years now, and I am starting to loose my cool. We fell in love really young, married, had a son, and moved 500 miles away from my home. I just feel like I am more or less trapped into my marraige. We have so many good times and got lucky enough to buy our own home, cars, fourwheelers, and then comes the responsibility. I need some reassurance that most men DO MATURE. Josh is 23 already and is letting me carry all the stress of making sure bills are paid, and keeping up the house, being a full time mom, and working a part time job. He works as well, definitly makes enough money to pay the bills, but he is still a little boy. Has to ride his bikes as much as possible. I am overwhelmed with the feeling that he won't grow up and get his ass in gear to take care and support his family. I want to be as care free and fun loving as I use to be, but the stress is turning me into this bitter, overworked 19 year old who wants to run away! I'm hoping to run into some other young wifey's or others who have been there done that kind of thing, and figured out a way to ease the stress while their guys make the transition from boy to man.
  2. free2fly

    free2fly Members

    I cant imagine myself in that type of responsibility at your age, and I definately cant share advice... but Im sure many other women here will have something to comment...

    but I just wanted to tell you that you're a brave and strong woman... take pride in that, and stay strong.. :)
  3. ihmurria

    ihmurria fini

    most guys are like that...
    they'll bring a big pay cheque and wanna go play
    hell, most people want that, to work enough to have sufficient money and then run off and play. I doubt it's gonna change in his case unless you talk to him about more equally splitting up household/parenting duties
  4. mamaboogie

    mamaboogie anarchist

    There's absolutely nothing you can do to change him. And if you try, he will resent it. You said you feel trapped, you need to do something about that. Get a hobby or something. If you find that you cannot imagine spending the rest of your life with this man, as he is right now, because you can't expect him to ever change, you need to leave him.
  5. sexymesamama

    sexymesamama Member

    The thing is we are both servers at local restaraunts. He sleeps till 10:00, goes to work from 11:00 until about 2 or 3 o'clock and comes home with anywhere from $30 to $100. He does this 4 days a week and two nights. I work 6 nights from about 5 o'clock until 10 o c'lock, comming home with generally the same amount (usually 50-90 a day) so we have about the same input on the finances, but he still sees himself as the so called "breadwinner". I am thourughly confused with this man and wish he would see things from another point of veiw....I'm worried becasue his brothers are older, but no better than he. I definitly cannot have any more children until my husband grows out of his terrible two's! He considers the time I'm at work time he is basically "stuck" with our son. Like it's so horrible that he doesn't have a babysitter (me) Well ladies- I guess I've said it all and then some, so wish me luck! My mom told me to give him till hes 26....hope I can hold out until he holds up his end of the whole thing! Peace..:*
  6. moon_flower

    moon_flower Banned

    Have you brought any of this up with him? His wanting to play a little is no reason to get all iffy about your relationship. It comes down to this: Do you love the man or not? Are you willing to keep the promise you made until death do you part? Is he worth spending the rest of your life with? If not....then maybe you should consider couples counseling....if that doesn't work, maybe you'll need to take a more drastic measure. Have you thought about taking some time off and doing something together? Leave your son with your mother or someone you trust for a few days and just get away? Maybe just take some YOU time. If he feels like it's a burden to be with your son, leave him with, again, your mother or someone you trust....and just escape for a couple days. Maybe you all need to start a new....move closer to home so you'll have the support of friends (Not to say you don't have them now....but sometimes old friends just work better than new friends for some things.), family, and people you all grew up around.
    All men have their toys and whatnot that they play with. My boyfriend is 21 and he does all the 'kid' things. I'm glad he isn't all hoity-toity Mr. Grown-up all the time. He does know when it's time to be serious, and we can talk about things if I'm getting too stressed or if he's too stressed.
    I don't know your situation or the type of relationship you have with him. No, I'm not I can't really give you a lot of advice except for what I've witnessed with all the married young people I know. But, I wish you the best of luck.
    Like I said, maybe try some couples counseling or whatever....or maybe a weekend for just yourself or you both....or even with you and Josh and your son.
  7. sexymesamama

    sexymesamama Member

    I'm excited for you to have your son! It was a life changing event for sure that definitly gave my life the right direction and reason for living the right way. It's hard to believe that I've been married for over 2 years and I am just getting sick of his shit. I have just put up with it for so long that I am physically wearing down. Tonight has been better since he got off of work. No fighting at all ! Yeah! Tommorrow we both have the day off, and if he doesnt ditch me again for his fourwheeler (which he rides more than me) than I will put the effort into the serious talk that i need to have without it ending up in a fight where we are at eachothers throats.....its so petty that it ends up like that over stupid stuff that I just need a little help with. I love him, I dont want to live the rest of my life without him...but he needs to realize I CANT LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM....get it?
  8. i_am_me

    i_am_me Member

    I think that anyone who can survive this situation deserves all my respect.
    Definitely you should talk to him and tell him that you can't be everything. Try just saying that you need a girls night out. If he complains then point out the last time that he went out without you. Maybe you can just work up to a more equal situation, but if that doesn't work then I think that you need to give him an ultimatum. He helps you out or you leave and find someone who will.
  9. denimstar

    denimstar edge of darkness

    I'm not sure what you want him to do. Do you want him in the house with you? At least he is out doing something and having fun. No-one marriage is perfect, my hubby works 6 days a week so when he isn't working he's sitting in the house. Not much of a life to me. I would love it if he went out and played and enjoyed himself.
    Keep in mind some men never grow up.
  10. caterpillar

    caterpillar Member

    I married my husband when I was 20 and he 23. We started dating when I was 15 and he 18. We have been married for 19 years. I will be honest with you, I hated being married at first. The first couple of months were the worst. He didn't do anything besides work. I loved him more than anything though and I asked myself if I wanted to live without him and the answer was no. I think every marriage goes through what you are. I also think you are going to have to love him the way he is. He may understand later that he has to have more responsibility but he will always want to ride his bikes. If you try to tell him to stop doing what he loves he will resent you and you don't want that. It sounds to me like you don't have anytime for yourself. I have learned over the years that it is very important to take the time. To be who you are, you may feel right now that you have lost that person. Having a child takes up so much of your time on top of everything else. Finding a babysitter for an hour or two isn't a bad thing. I use to think it was...I thought I should be home with my children but in the end it was me who was put last. Again and again and again. Make the time for yourself. If your husband doesn't want to watch your son find that sitter yourself, don't expect him to, and enjoy. It will make a world of difference.
    Look for the positive things. Enjoy what you have. If it really isn't what you want then you have to change things or move on.
  11. Timetraveller

    Timetraveller Member

    Sometimes when your younger you don't realise what you have. Belive me, he won't change for at least another 15 years and when he does you'll by wanting to break out and be much freer as you have the task of playing mummy and home maker for all those years... all this has been said above but all l say is... TALK. You get out of life what you put in.

    To meet someone young and be in love for all your life has to be one of the most beautiful things in the please talk about things together.
  12. sexymesamama

    sexymesamama Member

    You all sa yexactly what I needed to hear. Except I can't keep up the house like I have the last two and a half years. Just recently tried to slow down and leave some things undone to see if he would take some initiative and help out, or do somehting nice for me, but it won't happen. He explained to me that I need to put up a big board with one or two things a day that he could help me with while I'm at work, and unless it's on the fridge he won't see it and it wont get done. I guess him telling me that is a sign that he is at least listening. Just upsetting to not have that one you love to want to make life easier for you. MAKING him do things is not what I like to do at all. I do need to try to be myself and express my indiviuality without having my son ruining my artwork, and using my hubbys critisism as a more "constructive" input not a controlling way...right?
  13. moon_flower

    moon_flower Banned

    Make a chore board. See if he really means what he says....that he'll help out if you leave little reminders.
    And, if you feel like he doesn't do nice things for you anymore....maybe you need to do nice things for him....he might catch on. Y'know....take him out one night and he might return the favor. He might be feeling stressed like you but just may not know that he can talk to you about he's keeping to himself somewhat and riding his 4wheelers and whatnot.
    Maybe you should get some artsy things for your son....some non-toxic finger paints and stuff....he can do his art while you do yours. That way, it'll keep him busy and you can work on a masterpiece.
    And, if your husband is making rude remarks about your art, tell him it hurts your feelings. Tell him you need CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, not 'That sucks' type stuff. If he is being constructive and you're just taking it the wrong way....just calm down and ask yourself if it was a hurtful thing, or if he meant it to help out.
  14. sexymesamama

    sexymesamama Member

    Cool, I'm going to take all the advice from what I've gotten from you so far. Put it into action for a couple weeks. Just found out my sister in law has been havin gmajor issues like me for quite some time with hy husbands brother. Some things you just can't change. And if nothing improves I've heard the best way to show him what he has, is to take it all away for a while and see how he copes with out me. I know he'd be a wreck, but maybe he needs an EXTREME wake up call you know? I'm not going to take it there yet...but we'll see how things go after I start making a small todo list every other day and then everyday, and then maybe the list wont have to be made, maybe he'll make it i kidding myself though.....I've tried to be subtle in the past and nothing has worked thus far. I just need to be persistant but not let our discussions turn into know. Thanks again!
  15. mamaboogie

    mamaboogie anarchist

    yes, you probably are kidding yourself. Things aren't going to change unless he really wants to change them. He can't read your mind, you have to talk to him and tell him exactly what you need from him. That won't ever change. You both have to communicate, open and honestly, with each other. Men don't understand subtle. You have to get right up in their face with it and spell it out for them.
  16. caterpillar

    caterpillar Member

    I agree. You will have to make the board yourself. Don't put alot on it or it will turn him away. My husband says the same thing. Write it down. And it does work. I have also learned that it works for my children. A big thing to remember is that he can't read your mind. As much as you would like him too, he can't. You have to start telling him why you are upset and say this is what I would like you to say instead or this is what I would like you to do. There is a great book out there called Getting the Love you Want. It talks about communicating and that really is one of the main issues of making a marriage work. You have to talk. AND listen. If you want him to tell you how he is feeling, you can't get mad and throw a hissy when he says something you don't like. Yes, you may not like it but it will let him know that he can talk to you about anything. That doesn't mean you can't be mad just don't yell and sulk. Get things off your mind, both have your say and see where you both can compromise. It sounds easy but it does take alot of work. I wish someone would have told me this a long time ago. Maybe my husband wouldn't have had an affair. (long story) We have a great relationship now. We have learned to communicate and listen.
  17. sexymesamama

    sexymesamama Member

    I'll try to find that book. Hopefully it will help us communicate, I know thats the main problem. Everytime I try to explain why I'm upset or why I'm hurt form what he's done (or hasnt done) It turns in to a battle to try to yell louder than the other one. He's sick of me not being happy, and told me this morning if I can;t be nice around the house than I can leave. I know he doesn't mean this, but I still put up the front like I'm thinking about it. Is that wrong? I really dont want to go stay with anyone else because I do want our marraige to last. He is very hypocritical and he doesn't see it. He asks me for examples of him being the hypocrit that he is...and then it turns into a big argument. I am so mentally exhausted. When I got home from work last night he had made me a mai tai drink...and I told him alcohol couldnt help our peoblems,only make them worse, but he just shrugged it off and went to watch tv. Then I tried to explain some things to him that have been botheing me and he just wouldnt take it, wouldnt accept the fact that he is making me unhappy. He has a million excuses for everything and I couldnt take it anymore. I cried all last night, and he wouldnt even come in the room, wouldn't sleep in the room, just sat on the couch and watched tv until 2am. Am I suposed to stop crying go back out into the battlefeild and try again? and again? until I just leave? He isnt getting it and I'm down to leaving for a while so he can maybe appriciate the things I do and realize how MUCH I do. I'm thinking of getting a sitter tommorrow since I have the night off, and just spending a few hours with Josh in a peacful environment or in public, somewhere we have to be civil and not just start talking shit. Hopefully we can get things settled. Or else the inevitable is bound to happen and I'll be homebound if i can make enough for a couple plane tickets. The hard thing is telling my mom and his mom about our problems, they have no idea.
  18. sexymesamama

    sexymesamama Member

    I forgot, It's not about me needing him to read my mind, the housework is inplain eyesight, I don't understand why he won't do the dishes when they are piled in the sink. I'll do them before I goto work, and when I come home there is always a fresh stack in the sink, I know they have to eat, but he won't buy me a dishwasher and he wont help with them either. Same thing with the floors, the broken closets, the missing lightbulbs, I could go on forever. But if you say the board will work, then I guess it's better then doing all the work.
  19. mamaboogie

    mamaboogie anarchist

    you need to learn to communicate without creating confrontation or getting his defenses up. When you talk to him, don't accuse him of anything, only talk about how you feel and try to make the word "I" the subject of every sentence. Don't say "You do this", just don't do it. If you talk only about your feelings, he can't take offense to that. And saying something like "I feel bad when you do this" doesn't count, that's still putting him in the subjective, and will create confrontation. A counsellor might be a really good idea, any decent counsellor can help you learn how to communicate in a constructive manner.
  20. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    tell him you'd love to come home to clean dishes.

    Or when you flip a switch, call out and have him bring you the box of bulbs. The boy gene will kick in and he might change it for you. Then you say "the closet/bath/kid's room, whatever also needs a bulb. Could you change it right now before WE forget?"

    a s chore board is great. Be sure and put what YOU do on it (and eventually the kiddo) so everyone knows the score.

    Then ask for an evening or morning of a day off for you to be Notmama. Suggest he take kiddo bike part shoppping, to a park, pool, zoo, whatever. Or you go out (I found with my son's dad that if they had something to do it was not babysitting in his mind.)
    Equate it to the break he gets with the bikes.

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