Married and sexually frustrated

Okay, I am a dad. I’ve been married for 6 years. We have 2 kids - 4 and 2.

Sex has always been somewhat of an issue. Even when we dated I wanted to have sex more than her. She’s an awesome person, and so I feel like I just let it go. Well, I’m not sure if I can really let it go anymore.

I start seeing a therapist next week to talk about it, but I wanted to post here because I’m just feeling so down. We have other issues in our marriage I feel we can work through, but I’m not sure if we can work through this one without help (my reason for seeing a therapist is to work through all issues). My wife doesn’t know why I want to see a therapist (or the full truth). I am a recovering alcoholic with 2 years sober and this is why I told her I wanted to go - to work on myself. Which is true, but it’s also to eventually work on us.

Okay, so we have sex probably 3 times a month. It’s been 2 weeks since we last had sex (I’m tracking it on an app) and that feels shitty too. She just started her cycle, so that means we probably won’t have sex until middle of next week or next weekend. So, where I’m at is I can’t live this way anymore. I’ve adjusted my sex drive as much as I can. My minimum is once a week or I begin feeling irritable - it only intensifies and gets worse the longer we go in between sex. Masturbating helps, but it’s not a long term solution. When we met, I wanted sex everyday or atleast 3-4 times a week. Now, just once a week would be great.

She feels like I pressure her, so I’m trying really hard to back off. She feels like we do it plenty. She doesn’t see an issue at all. I could be wrong, but if it were up to her it would probably be once or twice a month while she is ovulating.

I don’t really have much else to say other than we are a good team, I’m an involved dad, we both work are assess off at work/home, we have a privileged lifestyle, and I don’t believe either 1 of us are blameless in this issue. It’s no ones fault. It is what it is, but I can’t live like this the rest of my life. I give it until our 2 year old starts public school. So, 3 to 3 1/2 years and I could be done.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your insight.

 

You're pretty much just going to have to leave her unfortunately. If the sex drive is too less for you then you need to move on before you do something that will hurt her.

 

Would she let you have a playmate?

 

hi Ed, imho the most important thing is communication; so I think it's bad that you haven't told her the real reason why u are going to see the therapist.

I have been married 25 years but this year we have separated. Frequency of sex and attitude to it is more often than not the major reason for maritial problems. My case is somewhat different in that I was and have always been bisexual, my wife knew that before we married, and while we were pretty equally matched sexually the first 8/10 years things changed as often happens. We often change sexually as we get older and in my case when the episodes of both sex and sensual-time decreased (and she never accepted that - would only get annoyed if I tried to bring it up and discuss it) I reverted to looking for sex with guys.....I felt this was a lesser way of being unfaithful to her.

To cut a long story short she found what I was doing around 8 years ago and after the crisis we experimented with a mfm three for a few months and then settled on an open marriage.... of which I made full use but she didn't. Finally she has decided that being 12 years younger she is at a different stage in life and wants a monogamous partner.

In turn, especially as part of the open marriage deal was that she was my only woman, I have moved further along the spectrum towards gay.

Many women can accept their partner has other sexual needs or inclinations and while it has obviously become difficult to discuss your needs with her a neutral therapist can be a very valuble help.....we met therapists a few times and they can give perspectives that either party have never considered - sometimes looking back to chilhood and parental attitudes to sex and conditioning etc. A lot of things in life can have a huge bearing on sex and sexual attitudes.

So this is why I think you should admit to her why u are seeing the therapist and try and get her to join and take part.

If you don't sort it now then I feel so sad for your children having split parenting in the future. Who knows, you may find that she is prepared to accept you finding outside satisfaction, although if you love each other and have an otherwise good relationship as you say it would definitely be better to try and satisfy each others needs.

As you say, neither of you are blameless and maybe by digging through issues together with a neutral person you might find ways to hold your marriage together for your own and kids sakes.

Good luck,
Simon

 

You start off with communication is the most important thing, but it doesnt sound like you ever listened to your wife, or ever got it

 

Ed, I do agree with Si69, in that you should tell your wife why you are going to therapy. You don't need to go into specific (and potentially hurtful) details. Just let her know that you have a few things you feel like you need to work on about your desires and libido, and not "You don't screw me enough, and I am putting a timeline on your sex drive. Put out or get out! If she asks for details you can tell her that you are going to therapy so you can get more in touch with how you've been feeling. There is no shame in needing to talk to a non-biased person, and it should prevent any misunderstandings or suspicions from your wife. Hiding it makes it seem like you have a reason to.

With that said, do you and your wife both work? Does she work part-time? Or, is she a stay at home mom? If she is a full-time mom, does she have any help with the kids? A 4 year old and a 2 year old together are exhausting, if she does the majority portion of taking care of them. While it is not an excuse for no sex, it will definitely impact your sex life. Expecting daily, or 3-4 times a week while raising children that age, is unrealistic unless there is outside help. If you have outside help, be it family, friends, or a nanny, that would definitely help. As much as you dislike being limited to once a week, there are men who would be thrilled to have that. So, you and your wife need to find a way to compromise, 1-2 a week is about average. Would that be something you would even be willing to consider?

Why did you marry her if her sex drive is less than half of what you would prefer? People don't change that much, and having children doesn't tend to trigger a lacking sex drive and kick it into high gear. It can, however, put a serious lag on a higher than aveeassex drive. Chasing around two toddlers is like herding cats! Exhausting at times doesn't even begin to cover it. It can also be difficult to feel amorous, as she looks at her post baby body. Do you tell her how beautiful she still is to you? Do you remind her that she isn't just "mom" but also a sexy, and desirable? Having been a mom with two small kids, there were definitely days that sex was the last thing on my mind. Now, a long hot soak in the tub, and maybe a back massage....heaven!

Do you have someone that you can trust with your kids for a second honeymoon kind of vacation? Or, even a long weekend? I am not suggesting you do all of the work, but can you think of somewhere that your wife would enjoy? If you can, get away, and spend that time reminding one another what drew you together, get a couples massage, or go to a nightclub. Whatever you think would help you both remember that she is so much more to being together than just being mom and dad. Just spend time being husband and wife. Remind each other what it feels like to have sex without listening for children running towards the door. Lay in bed naked just getting to know one another's bodies again, and the only thing on your mind is what to order from room service.

It may not fix everything, but reminding your lover that they are so much more than just a parent, or a spouse, can sometimes work wonders on a faltering marriage. At the very least, you will both get some kid-free time away to relax.

You might want to reconsider tracking how often you get laid. Do you really need an app to know that you want more sex? Do you think she will find it flattering that you kept a calendar of when you last got laid? Try for more romance, and lose some of the tech. I've been with my husband 20+ years, and he has always done better by being sweet, romantic, or spontaneous, than reminding me if its been a while since we screwed. We have dry spells too. They tend to end when one of us makes sure to reignite the fire between us.

Best of luck to you and your wife.

 

Question:

Does "sex" with your wife ever include you giving her head or putting your fingers in her and expecting absolutely nothing in return?

 

You married her though knowing this about your sex life, that you always wanted it more. Did you think marriage would change things?

 

Hi Ed,

My wife and I have raised 4 kids and we have not always had the same sex drives. There has been times I’ve been hornier than her and times when she has been hornier than me. I would say we communicated our needs but it was really me bitching about it when I wasn’t getting enough and when she needed more it was up to me to figure it out, for the first 20 something years anyway.

What bugged me the most was why did she not want to do have sex with me? We worked liked dogs with 4 kids, that’s why. When we were doing that, raising kids, I knew we were busy but we just did it. It was our life and we liked it. Now looking back at the work in raising of family I think “holy shit, how did we do that??”

Anyway, she just wasn’t horny for me or anybody else. Not horny and it has happened on and off over the years. I know I’ve let her down too, life takes from us all the time. I worked on trying to figure out what to do do get her aroused, after all she needed release too but life can get in the way of this. At first I sucked it up and when she did show the signs that she needed sex I took the time with massages and foreplay and made sure it was not just a roll in the hay but explosive. Had to rock her world when SHE wanted to be rocked. I found if I whispered fantasies I would find different things that revved her up. She never communicated this, we had to figure it out. Fast forward to now I’ve learned she wakes horny, she lays on her tummy and rubs on my hand while we talk...she wiggles and grinds and talks. Sometimes only she cums, sometimes she blows me after and sometimes we wrap up fucking.

What I found was she needs to cum too, like a lot, but I had to find out how to push her buttons. It’s marriage, a long life and constantly changing world and situations. Out of desperation I figured out she wasn’t being a bitch or evil or anything else...she just needed somebody to help her.

We got through it...just sayin

 

Notice how in first paragraph you say "Id say we communicated our needs"

Then in the remaining 3/4 of that post you complain she never communicated that and you had to figure it out

 

What I said was “I would say we communicated our needs but it was really me bitching about it”. Meaning we were not communicating.

 

Thanks.

Just hate it when people say stuff along the lines of, 'oh, its all about communication' when you know they were having silly fights about stupid shit for decades like everyone else

 

Just because you talk doesn’t mean it does any good LOL

 

Better than not talking. Communication is always key, and you'll find that the majority of incompatible partners don't have the confidence to communicate their sexual needs which often puts a damper on their sexual chemistry.

I let my partner know exactly what I'm feeling and what I desire, whether she's into or not isn't a concern, but I'm going to put it out on the table, because if I don't, I'll just end up repressed.

 

the problem isnt communication...the problem is ''married''....

anyway....the answer is in here somewhere...you just gotta see it for yourself

have a look

Search Results for Query: married | Hip Forums

 

Lolz, to all the frustrated married guys out there, that sounds like a solution.

Tell your wife how you feel, if she still doesnt give a fuck, oh well, at least its not repressed

 

Lolz all ya want, but there's a reason dudes obsess behind computer screens looking at porn, and I reckon it's because they're soft cocks who cannot communicate.

 

.....or they just want sex 5 times more often than their wives

 

easy girl....I dont porn and I dont listen to limp biscuit...

 

This.