Marriage is failing-Help

I have been married to my current wife for 5 years, been together 7 years, known each other for 10 years. I was married once before for 16 years.
My current wife and I started out as most new love's do. Hot heavy sex, laughs, smiles and that sort of thing. Now, she tells me she no longer wants me to preform oral sex on her since she does not like it. She no longer wants me to use toys on her to bring her to orgasm, because it's too much work. She yells all the time at my 4 kids for everything, but then turns to me and wants me to have sex with her. I am so turned off by her attitude I have not been able to have sex with her in 2 months. Prior to hooking up with her, I not only had sex with several women (sometimes in the same day) but I also masterbated at least 2 times a day as well. My sex drive has completely shut off.
Now, reasons - She was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago and is in constant pain. She doesn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. She works taking care of her very angry 88 year old grandmother 7 days a week 365 days a year. The only time off she gets is when she is extremely ill, then my kids and I fill in.
I am just at my wits end. She is 34 years old. Going into menopause due to her Leukemia and is a physical nightmare. 3 or 4 doctors appointments per week. 5 surgeries last year alone.. I am trying to be a good guy and husband, but my mental capacity for this has dropped below zero and I don't know how to hold on any longer.
Any advice would really be helpful.

 

My advice would be for you and your kids to not wait to help her out until she is extremely ill.

 

We don't. We pitch in a ton. I meant that is when she gets a break from working. My wife puts up with her pain until she can't.

 

I would not hold any of her behavior as genuine angst against you. I think this is all situational stress.

You know what causing her attitude, and you know it is not really her right? Remember the good times and slug through it.

 

She sounds like she is well into adrenal fatigue syndrome as well. You could also be headed that way due to prolonged stress. As important as your relationship issues are you need to make sure your health doesn't go downhill. Look online for ways to support your adrenals during times of stress. As far as her, I feel that she may be doing the best she can considering her health and stress levels. She may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown which occurs when your adrenals are shot and your body and mind can no longer cope.

 

I think with everything she is dealing with, sex is probably the last thing she is worried about. Her plate is pretty full right now. With her being sick, constantly caring for an elderly grandmother and not getting much sleep she is probably exhausted. I'd probably yell a lot too. You need to support her and help her as much as you can. If you love her its more about everything except for sex right now. I'm 34 and can't imagine dealing with all of that.

 

I think he needs the opposite: to set limits.

He needs to take care of number one, and that is himself. Relationships seldom work in which people sacrifice themselves for their partners 24/7.

Far be it from me to suggest he shouldn't help his wife. He should. But he also needs to reward himself by doing things he enjoys apart from his wife.

Obviously, he mentioned sex which suggests he is sexually dissatisfied. I can only say that his wife does not owe him sex of any kind. Marriage is not sexual slavery.

I do not know whether or not he is considering having sex with others, but I'd rather wait until he explicitly puts that forth before I comment on that.

 

I watched my mom go through cancer 3 times while raising kids, dealing with her mom dying and working a full time job. She died with the 3rd bout of cancer and I can't imagine my dad just basically checking out on her because of sex. Being married can be hard. When you factor illness into it things are even harder. I'm not saying it's easy on iriegnome at all. It nearly killed my dad too but when you marry someone you marry them in sickness and in health. You don't know what life will hand you. You can't just be there for the good times. My heart breaks for his wife and what she is going through. I'm not blaming him for any of it. I'm just saying if I were her I would hope my husband would do everything he could to help me and support me in my difficult time. I know I would do anything within my power to help my husband if he were in the same situation.

 

Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea.

Especially given that your wife has cancer, it sounds like it's past time for her angry grandma to go to a nursing home.

 

Her life sounds extremely difficult and I think rather than focusing on lack of sex, you should do everything in your power to make her life more comfortable and balanced. Finding a full time caregiver or putting her grandma in a home would be a huge start. She shouldn't have to worry about taking care of another human being when she is so sick she needs someone to take care of her instead. Coming home and dealing with 4 kids and an unhappy husband on top of dealing with her grandmother on top of dealing with a life threatening illness must be extremely draining. Human beings can only take so much and women have a tendency to make themselves a martyr rather than ask for help. Give help freely and give it as much as possible. If you can help to improve her quality of life then sex may eventually follow, but I honestly don't think that should be your biggest concern right now.

 

Problem is guys finding a nursing home that is budget manageable with all the medical bills his wife is probably incurring will be extremely difficult.

These are times when you need to call in some serious favors from your social network like old friends and stuff. Your wife's friends and yours.

As for grandma, she's gotta pitch in too, I mean it's her daughter that's sick too right? She should be sympathetic to that.


But yeah forget about sex here, go masturbate if you need to but this is one of those extreme cases where it is appropriate to drop sex until some stability is achieved.

You are going to have to ask more of your children too. They're gonna have to grow up fast and CANNOT do the normal teenage angst rebellion thing and you need to sit them all down and have a serious talk and flat out tell them you think you and your wife are so stressed out it you can't handle something like normal teenage childish messes and drama.

They're also going to have to learn to let the yelling roll off their backs.

 

your poor wife, I feel bad for her

 

Would you?

One can always do more. Including her. There's nothing physically impossible about having cancer and letting onself be eaten out.

I repeat, one can always do more. If he were sleeping 4 hours a night to pay for some fancy insurance, he could yet sleep 2 or 3. He could cancel Netflix. He could stop calling his buddies in order to give all his time to her. Ultimately, the only limit he's got is death itself.

And thus we arrive at the ideal of Bleeding Heart Christ on The Cross, sacrificing himself for those who did nothing for him but offend him. It doesn't strike me as a particularly realistic or healthy ideal. That's fine if that's what he wants to do, but I don't think I could guilt him into doing it.

I might be wrong, but I think I can hear in the tone of your post a classical bleeding heart. And bleeding hearts typically have a bone to pick with the idea of privacy and personal space. They tend to see relationships and even politics as two circles completely overlapping each other rather than halfway.

And therein lies the rub, as evidenced in the history of Christianity itself, the oppressed quickly become oppressors. I don't know about you, but I face any help whatsoever I might receive from others as a tremendous privilege, not a right. Whenever someone thinks they can lay claim to the good will of others, they start doing stuff like yelling, etc. And suddenly the victim becomes the victimizer.

He also has needs, including sexual ones. They do not cease to be important because his wife was unfortunate enough to get cancer. Cancer does not give her a right to lay claim to his life and good will. I hope she will, for her own sake, approach all the charity she may get as such. And I hope she gets it.

Meanwhile, I hope he continues to have a life apart from her and lets her know that yelling is not ok but in a rare moment of weakness. Cancer or no cancer.

 

I would do absolutely anything for my husband. Anything he would need if he were in that situation. I would give everything I have to him because I love him. I don't think that is too unheard of among married people.

It sounds like to me, and I'm assuming here so forgive me if I'm wrong, that you have never been put in such a position that you have to give up everything about your own life to care for another. I have. I did that when I was still a kid and I did it willingly because my mother needed my help. Until someone is faced with that I don't think they understand what its like to put your life on hold for someone you love. Given the chance I would do the same exact thing.

No, cancer doesn't mean she can't be eaten out but maybe she just doesn't want to be. It doesn't matter if she has cancer or not. If there is something sexually that she doesn't want to do or isn't comfortable with then why should she have to do it?

I'm not going to get into a Jesus conversation here. We can have that conversation privately if you wish. Just know that I don't believe in that. I'm not Christian so that means nothing to me.

I am not one that takes help from others easily. I'm probably much like his wife actually. I would rather take care of things myself sometimes stretching myself too thin. Any help others OFFER is greatly appreciated but I would never expect or demand help from others. From his post it sounds like his wife is stretched very thin. She probably needs help but won't ask for it. That causes stress which in turn causes the yelling. The yelling is what is causing the problem with sex. It's a vicious cycle.

Sure, he could cut off all ties to everyone and focus on his wife. I would hope that those friends that you are speaking of would step in and offer some help of their own. In tough times like that, I would hope friends and family would step up and do anything they can to make their lives easier. I absolutely would offer help to any of my friends and family.

She doesn't have a right to lay claim in him but I would hope, as a husband who loves his wife, he would willingly do whatever he could possibly do to make her life easier. Marriage and life is like a roller coaster. They are in a downhill slide right now and by being worried about not being able to get an erection isn't going to make this ride go uphill anytime soon. I just don't think that is where the focus should be.

I may be totally off here. I don't know these 2 people. I would just hope that my husband wouldn't worry about sex if I was going through what they are going through.

 

I think both the OP and his wife can benefit from a good cathartic cry followed by a lot of sleep.

And for the wife, she should be getting some medical marijuana.

 

I'm thinking more along the lines of plan tickets. One way.

 

Fair enough.

As in our other disagreement, you're going on and on at a strawman and missing the point entirely. It just seems to me you want to hear yourself speak and pat yourself on the back.

The whole problem is what "anything" and "possibly could" mean in concrete terms. But I don't expect you to get it. I have said everything I wanted to.

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a) One does not have to be religious to buy into religious ideas;

b) Stress doesn't cause anything other than stress. There's a difference between feelings and actions. She's still responsible for the latter. Every whim of hers should be indulged because she has cancer; while he's expected to cut off limbs at her behest because he doesn't. It's obvious whose side you're on here.

 

If I were on my death bed, I would try to live the most normal life possible. Which includes still showing love to my husband and children. That goes with my stubborn nature, which usually rejects the notion of being sick. I find this mentality helps me carry through many difficult situations. We all have weak moments, but they should not get the best of us.

I recently watched a youtube video about a wife who passed away from cancer, leaving behind a letter for her husbands future wife. The gratitude she showed her husbands future wife was so selfless despite the struggles and her imminent future. She actually wrote a letter to thank the future wife for caring for her young children in advance.

Maybe the OP's wife's heart has been consumed by self pity, and upset so much that she refuses to look beyond herself. In any case I do feel bad for her because thats a horrible way to be. I feel bad for both of them, and especially the children. I would hate for my husbands last memories of me to be anything less than giving and open hearted to him, which includes making love. Thats a major way we communicate with each other and some couples just aren't that close to begin with. From what I hear, the sex life was fun and enjoyable but did their bodies speak to each other? Idk.

 

OP - your lady sounds like an amazing woman, she has 4 kids and a grandmother to look after, is in constant pain and still wants sex from you! Yes she's gone off some things like the toys etc but wouldn't you with cancer hanging over you for the last 5 years?
Cut her some slack, pack the kids off to family or friends for a day, granny can go suck eggs somewhere and treat your lady to some quality time, to take her mind of things best she can. Put some fun back into her life, shopping tips, day outs, a restaurant meal, whatever she likes doing.

 

I bitch and moan taking care of my 90 year old father on a very part time basis. I cannot imagine what you and your wife are going through with grandmother in the home. I would advise trying to find her placement in a nursing home. This does not totally ease that situation, since you do still need to be present and an advocate for her in terms of her care but it would not be 24/7 365 days a year.

I can't imagine what your wife is going through. Living in constant pain is so debilitating in itself. If she is going through early menopause she may very well not want much, if anything, to do with sex. If she is on medications that could be adding to the mix along with cancer making her face her mortality daily. If all the children are seven years and younger that is certainly not a great situation in itself, let alone everything else she is dealing with that wears her down.

I feel for both of you and hope that you can find some ways to relieve the stress and pressure you both are under.