Marriage gone bad

Usually I ain't the kind of guy to talk about my problems with people but this time I really think I could use some advice and help.

My wife of five years has up and decided she doesn't want me anymore, and she is currently planning to leave. Apparently throughout the course of our relationship I've been a bad husband. I knew that I wasn't the best man on the face of the planet don't get me wrong but I always thought that the good times we had made up for the bad ones. My biggest issue was that I have a bit of an anger problem and due to having lost both of our children and having lost my mother last year my anger has recently been getting the better of me. My wife has never been good at talking to me about things and so I never realized how badly this issue was affecting her.

Now she wants to leave and I honestly don't know what to do. Once I found out that my anger issues were an issue I started trying to control them but I guess that it wasn't good enough. Apparently I was too stupid to realize that the problem was so much bigger and now I'm standing here trying to hold the pieces of our marriage together. I took her out to a park yesterday because I know she loves to be outside in the woods sometimes, and it seemed to go well. Then today she was just as distant as ever. I'm just not sure if I can fix this and I know I'm young and don't have any experience in this sort of stuff but I'm real real worried and real real sorry.

 

You lost both your kids? Dont think any marriage would survive that

 

Yeah well we lost our last one right around a year n a half ago

 

It seems as if you really feel badly about how your anger was affecting her. Lack of communication is a huge reason most marriages fail. From what you've said, I really get the sense that your problems with her can be worked out. Don't listen to the person who said a marriage can't survive lost children. If anything, the loss should be something you can both talk about to each other and take comfort in knowing you're not alone. Bring you closer together.

I really want to hear how this goes. If you're asking me, definitely talk to her some more. Let her know how you feel and how much you want things to work out. Tell her you love her.

 

I tried telling her how I feel and how sorry I was hell I walked forty miles to our damn house when she decided she didn't want this anymore and kept ahold of the car. She simply says that those words I've said in the past were to much to let her love me anymore and she just never wanted to tell me that before. I just don't know what to do and I can't stand the thought of destroying the one good thing I've had in my life for the last four years.

 

On a side note it's now sickeningly to think about the old adage You never know what you got till it's gone

 

Well I spose there's always a bit positive in life if you look. Today she told me she loved me for the first time in almost two months. Don't know what it meant for her since she was on the phone with me but at least it's a start.

 

If you're age is correct on your profile, then you got married very young. That alone makes for a very hard relationship. You two are going to grow up together, and you can either grow closer or grow apart. Add on top of that losing two children, it's honestly a miracle you two are still speaking. If she's saying she loves you, and you still want to be with her, then foster whatever feelings she has remaining. Also, if you know you have anger problems then it sounds like you may benefit from couple's counseling.

If you two make it through this, then awesome. If not, just make sure you learn what you can from this relationship, and move on. Don't hold on to bitterness or negative feelings.

 

I really feel for you. This sounds just awful. I hope things work out for you, I really do. But I agree with Vanilla, that losing two children is just an overwhelming thing. I wouldn't know what that feels like. Have you both had some therapy? If not, well that's the obvious thing for several reasons.

 

that's fucking harsh man. I mean the fact that either of you are still holding anything together after that makes you very strong.

 

For whatever this is worth...i'm just some old dude that understands what you're saying.

Ask her (when the timing is right) if you could read her something.

Read her exactly what you wrote in your OP. After you finish the last sentence, in your own words tell her you recognize your anger issues and your inappropriate handling of them, and that you are committed to turning that around in your life.
Tell her you love her.

Then from that point on try your best to show her your love. Leave the rest up to her.

 

im curious...could you explain how you lost 2 kids?...if you can (if you cant then just ignore my question)

 

Well lets just say my wife has a bit of a problem with giving birth, our children are always going to be born premature. Like 2-5 months premature. Our first was almost 5 months early and the doctors said he was unhelpable. The second was a little over 2 1/2 half months early and with that one the doctors f**ked up hard. They cut his umbilical wrong and caused him to bleed out, then they punctured his lung with one of those tubes they put in there to help him breathe. So yeah it was pretty damn bad.

 

Sorry to hear that this is happening.

You and your marriage have gone through some tough times.

Marriage counseling could be helpful, though often people get into counseling too late and there's been too much damage done to fix things.

Going to counseling might be a good idea anyway. Fixing your marriage or ending it on the best possible terms is better than going through a messy divorce.

If you can't afford counseling, there is often free or low cost counseling available, often through a community center.

If you are genuinely sorry for harm that you have caused to her and you are willing to work hard to change your behavior and make amends for what you've done, I think that there is a good chance that you can save your marriage.

Being genuinely apologetic and working to fix things can go a long way.

A meditation practice might help you manage your anger better, along with therapy.

Hope that everything works out!

 

thanks for sharing...i thought they were older when you said kids but babies is much easier to understand

 

Therapy HAS TO happen here either individually or together.

In fact even if divorce is going to occur anyway. I think going to therapy together without placing blame on each other, is the best thing in this situation.

I tell the OP that he should at least pitch this idea out first to his wife before she up and leaves.

The OP should keep in mind that she may leave just as a symbolic gesture to her own self of leaving troubles behind, and it isn't about his person necessarily that caused her departure from his life.

But he should go work on those anger issues, bottling up anger and exploding emotionally about it hurting others in their wake is a problem for all kinds of relationships.

 

I have to agree with you monkjr. With the tragic loss of two children, even the strongest of marriages would be impacted negatively. I would also suggest grief counseling if there isn't a couple's therapist who can do it (not all therapists deal with profound loss). Therapy would help both husband and wife understand the strengths and weaknesses, in their marriage and in themselves. :2thumbsup:

Anger is toxic to a relationship. OP, understand that from her perspective, words likely mean very little. Your actions right now are what count. It is so easy to say sorry, and it will never happen again. However, if she has heard it before then your promises are probably wasted on her. Meaning learn to manage your anger, and seek help if you cannot do it on your own. When you get stressed out, show her you can handle the situation without getting angry. Or in plain speak; don't act like a dick and she may remember why she loves you....instead of all of the times you were angry, and let it control you.

Good luck. I am truly sorry for the losses you and your wife have suffered, and do hope you are both able to find love, happiness and peace in your lives.

 

say good riddance to her and get on with your life ....

5 years from now you wont remember anything about her


trying to salvage a relationship that is finished is a lame lame move

 

I know that this is goin' to sound like every other bunch of lovers out there but I have to believe that I can work this out with my wife. There ain't no other woman I've ever been with that makes me feel the way she does. I know that I have to work on my anger and I'm trying real hard to do just that.

It doesn't help matters any that all of our old friends are telling her to just up and leave my ass. I just have to trust that she wants to take the time to try instead of just letting others influence her opinions. Marriage is as any couple knows a two way street and even with me doing everything in my power to fix this if she doesn't want it it won't happen.

We are making strides though or at least I think we are. She spent alot of time with me yesterday when she finally came home and we seem to be coping. Granted I know it's gonna take a lot more time than this.

 

Sorry to hear about your marriage problems! I think the best thing to do is get help for your anger issues. It may be to late for this relationship, but it is something you are going to need to fix for the future relationships with people. It is no wonder your communication is so bad with each other. It is so hard for someone to be able to communicate openly with someone when they are afraid everything they are going to say will set the other person off. To say you are going to change is one thing, but to actually do it is another.