Managing 2 Different Sex Drives, Help?

Please give me any advice you think would be helpful. It's been a bad and upsetting day, I'm putting myself out there for help, in case others are/have dealt with this...I'm asking nicely to please be kind.

Tom and I have been married 22 years. We are soulmates. We met when I was 16, dated for a year and broke up. A year later I moved from Ohio to Austin to join him and it again didn't work out. in 1993, we met up in NOLA and decided never to let each other go. It's been mostly good, a few small bad patches, but he is the love of my life, thinking of spending time without him makes my heart break. He loves me as well, I'm his true love, I know this, it's not a question.

Seven years ago, during an argument, he said "I have no compelling need to see you." After he said it, he knew it came out wrong, but refuses to talk about it so I can let it go. Ladies out there will understand, those words hurt down deep...but they are not the problem. Don't worry, this is back story that is needed...

I'm high maintenance. At least I think so, he always tell me that he's had HM and I'm not that. I try not to be, I try to go with the flow of life. But sometimes I just cannot. Today is one of those days.

For 10 years, there was little sex in our lives. Four kids, all at home, stay at home mom, husband who works a lot so I can stay home. Then we bought a bar, I worked for 6 years in the bar, which took me out of the house, a good thing, but made me even more tired, stressed, and overwhelmed, so even less sex. Coming home at 4am, getting 6 hours of sleep and then back to work after cleaning, picking the kids up from school, making sure there was a dinner plan (thank god my then 9 year old could cook and did so most of the night, she's now a 21 year old GM who owns her home and is in a hurry to get old) and go back to work-deal with all the bar issues...you get the idea.

We closed the bar in 2010, I went back to school and am still taking classes for my degree. I had two knee surgeries 2 years ago and due to a blood clot, I had to go off birth control. This caused my sex drive to come back in such a big way as to blindside me, the want wasn't. It's a NEED like breathing, like eating. It's a need that isn't being met. Tom tried to keep up, I gotta give him that. For Jan -March 2014, we had sex every single night and several mornings a week. he finally had a vasectomy in April 2014...which means no more pulling out (almost a boo hoo, I do like a good cum shot, facial, pearl necklace, tummy shot) and no worries about kids at such an old age. I'm 48...

I've been in need of more attention. No, I'm not getting it daily anymore, he's getting older and having a difficult time so I try for every other day. The last two 'tries' ended up with him not getting hard enough to climax (first) and then not hard enough for penetration, though I was drunk and gave him a 20+ min blow job. It was obvious that he was enjoying it, and did climax, but no penetration. I like getting f**ked. I haven't 'made love' in two years. I f**k, hard. And haven't found anything I don't like.

The problem...if you've read this far, I thank you deeply, is that today he told me, as gently as he could, that the attention I need (sensate touching, back rubs, non-sexual stuff, but obvious love touching) is not something he can really do (remember, he has no compelling need to see me). That I'm asking him to change and though he will try, he cannot guarantee that he will be able to do it. We run the local Little League, he spends 5 times a week coaching, works from home most of the time, has a dumb tank game on his phone that he plays for about 2 hours a day (not all at one time) but he doesn't seem to have the time to really give me undivided attention. I think it's why sex is so important, it's undivided attention. no technology, no games, no TV, no work...just me and him and our breath and our bodies. I believe I could be less in need of sex if he gave me more daytime attention; talking, watching TV together if his hand is rubbing my leg, etc. But I was told that after all this time, that isn't really him, but hey, he'll try (heard that several hundred times over the last 22 years).

Our drives are very different and now he's having erectile issues that he claims are not due to me, but to age. But he will not be doing anything in the future to keep this from happening. He doesn't take meds much, has to be in real pain to even take ibuprofen, cannot take things like NyQuil, because it effects him for 24 hours, not 8. So the magic pill is out. He won't take extra testosterone because he read if can contribute to prostate cancer. I'm kinda f**ked here.


How do you all, those in a lopsided sexual need relationship, deal with it? I can tamp it right down by taking anti-depressants, but that will take it all away (been there, done that), and Tom doesn't want it to go away, just not more than maybe 3 days a week. Or I can go outside the marriage, I'm a redhead and get opportunities all the time...but it's not really the way I want to go. Not many men pull my focus, I want my husband. Only one in a very long time has made me look twice. I even kissed him and it was kinda magic. Not kinda....totally.

What have any of you found to help in this problem? I do have the famed Hall Pass, but to use it is like giving up on the wonderful man I have.

Thanks for listening, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.

I'm Gini...

 

oh...my...god...

I am in the same circumstance. I read your story and I identify with it completely. Parts of it are as if I wrote it myself.
My wife and I have been married for 26 years. Two kids, now both out of the house, one graduated college and is doing great in her career, the other has two years to go to graduate.
In 2000 we separated for about 3 months, but we both decided we needed to raise our children together. I have zero regrets on staying, since both of our kids turned out great. We tried to work things out, counseling etc. But nothing worked.
Sex is a large part of the problem, I have a higher drive and way more open-minded about doing whatever pleases each other. Her sex drive for the last 7-8 years is basically non-existent. We don't even sleep in the same bed any more.
This weekend I talked to both of our children and said I was going to leave after the holidays.
I am been fooling myself for sometime now, I thought I could be satisfied with just co-habitation.
I cannot. I am waaay too young to just give up on romance, affection and yes sex.
I dont know what advice to give, but maybe it hepls you to know you are not alone.

 

And for all that is holy please DO NOT take the anti-depressants.
My wife takes those, started 7-8 years ago and won't stop despite my pleading her to do so.
Those damned pills do not filter out bad feelings - they fillter out ALL feelings. Bad AND Good.
My wife used to be easy going, a decent sense of humor and easy to talk to.
Now...a zombie. Little emotions, zero sex drive, nothing is funny any more...she disappeared.

 

Or maybe it just wasnt there in the first place.

Why does our esteemed OP sound the exact opposite of how you've described your soon to be ex wife.

Might feel better to blame the pills, but...

Why do some of them, once the kids have flown the coop, buy an RV and go live life, still interested in meeting new people....other couples, she writes herself off on xanax or he with jim beam.

That tendency towards miserable was always there

 

Anyway, as for our OP

Yes, he is right, age thing is a big factor

But its the same kind of thing with that, thats all programmed in, whether by that age they will still be like the Energizer bunny...or like that bloodhound in the warner brothers cartoons that takes 1/2 to say three words

But age thing, big factor, you try thrusting those hips 1000 times in an hour as hard as you can

 

Or maybe it just wasnt there in the first place.
Yes it was.

Why does our esteemed OP sound the exact opposite of how you've described your soon to be ex wife.
Maybe because she isn't my wife, my point was I am in a very similar situation as her, if she was like my wife - how would our situations be similar?

Might feel better to blame the pills, but...
Who said I blamed only the pills? Anyone who has ever taken them, or been close to someone who did - knows exactly what I am saying.

Why do some of them, once the kids have flown the coop, buy an RV and go live life, still interested in meeting new people....other couples, she writes herself off on xanax or he with jim beam.
I don't know, was there a point there somewhere?

That tendency towards miserable was always there
For some I would say it was. For us, it wasn't.

 

For you it wasnt

But for her kids was the only thing she was really interested in. Once they grew up and didnt need her and more the pills or something like it was always inevitable. Not interested enough in everything.

But im sure thats not true, i dont know her, Im just some crazy person on the internet

 

If I did my math correctly, OP, you are late thirties. You didn't mention your husband's age but assuming he's at least your age, if not a bit older... then I think perhaps it is the age thing.

Your hormones are going in totally opposite directions. Yours are heating up.. and his are cooling down a bit.

Pre-menopausal hormones are a wild wild ride. At least they were for me! Women can be in that stage up to ten years BEFORE menopause actually begins. And the fact that you recently came off of birth control pills (I think that's what you meant) may have initiated this stage. (Internet doctoring.. ain't it great?)

You aren't the only woman to have encountered this phenomena... not by any means.

I have no advice for you, other than this: Try not to take his attitude personally. He may really mean it when he says.. 'It's not you. It's me'.

 

I'm 48...he is 51.

So, what you're saying is to deal with it.
I'm finally up for as much sex as I can get, just in time for him to slow down.

We are both fit, work out regularly, good cardio and 98% of the time, I take top. I do my fair share of the work here.

This is not fair...

I know, whoever told me life was fair, lied to me.

 

Yep.. I did my math wrong! lol.. It isn't the first time.

Okay... look at it this way... It WILL be a wild ride. You, however, get to populate and direct it however you like. If he's down to only wanting sex once a week then make damn sure it's the best sex either of you have ever had.

Costumes! Wigs! Roleplaying! Buy the toys. Enjoy it, Sugar.

Sadly, when this sort of thing happens.. many times it signals the end to a relationship and it doesn't have to be that. Your love for him is obvious in your post. You're an intelligent lady. You can figure this out.

 

I knew this man. He said he had sex with his wife exactly two times: his He went years horny being a good father and husband. Finally her sex drive kicked in as his waned. She had hurt him so deeply for so many years that he just didn't care. She in her later years was horny and frustrated and he went hunting and fishing. He would spend long hours in the garage restoring old cars and trucks. He didn't do it to hurt her he said, He just didn't care about sex anymore. I know she had extinguished the fire.

If you were the love of my life and my sex ability was waning, I'd find anyway that pleased you to get you off. Toys, masturbation, other friends to add to the bedroom to make you happy. You would know that even though my cock was not working well, I'd do anything to make you cum...again and again. But that's me.

You say you have a hall pass. Does that mean he has given you permission to have sex partners without him? That must be difficult if he is the love of your life. When it's the love of your life, that's who want to be with.

Get some battery operated toys. Fuck the shit out of yourself. Ask him to help. Going to bed with other people is a big step...whether he knows about it or not. Be careful.

What does your little voice tell you?

I just read your profile. You're a scorpio. You blood boils, your eyes are flame. You're HORNY!!! It's even worse for us scorpions.

 

HI Gini,
I just read your post again. If he says, "it's not about you", then what is it about?

What about you? Maybe you have changed. Maybe work, kids, and little league were never really your thing, but you went along to be a good sport. What do you want to do with your days? Oh ya, you want to fuck!!! That is important to you. Don't diminish that. We live in a soceity that bombards us with sexual suggestions, but peer pressures us into not acting out our desires. It's difficult to find a partner who enjoys sex like we scorpios do.

Is there a point where you have fuckedd enough and would then be ready to do something else? Like make money, sports, travel? You're gonna have to do some soul searching.

Take a deep breath, masturbate. After you climax, do you lose the extreme sex drive for a while? If so, think about your situation when you are less horny.

To be clear, I'd enjoy hearing about how you were able to work this out without destroying yourself, or Tom.

Horny people often feel cheated when we don't get what we need from our partners we have dedicated our lives to. We hold up our end of the deal, but they don't.

 

From my experiences I learned at a very young age, even before I started being interested in males, that when it comes to men they don't try as much in a relationship as women do. Most don't even try at all. For example, you needing a certain amount of attention, but him not giving it to you, not trying to give it to you, and just saying that he isn't "compelled to need you". If this was the other way around I bet you would try very hard to give him what he wants and needs. Even in the case of cheating, if a woman is not getting what she wants and needs from her man she won't cheat, but if the man isn't getting what he wants and needs from his woman, odds are he will cheat.

Now, there are always exceptions to this rule. I'm sure there are guys out there that try more so than the women they're with. And I'm sure there are women that don't try. But, I think on average this is how it is for most heterosexual couples.

Woman try and they try hard. Men simply don't. As a woman, this is what you have to realize, accept and deal with.

Now, I should add that I'm Hispanic, so men in my culture are considered important. Very important. More so than women. So, they are suppose to be catered to. In saying that, maybe that's why I've had the experiences I've had. So, don't take to heart what I'm saying.

In a perfect world, talking and being honest with your partner is what solves problems. In a perfect world both parties don't get more than their share of their wants and needs, all while getting equal fulfillment of all wants and needs. They is always compromise. And if push comes to shove and there is a situation where one party gets more than the other, that party will do them 'a solid' later on.

So, talk to him. That or just satisfy yourself how ever you want to. Or just go without it. Sex and romantic affection isn't that innate to our survival. And it's not like your going completely without.

 

Update:
because I always like to know whats happened...


We talked, and I voiced what I need and he's trying...

Two days and, as usual, it's good so far. He's doing the sensate touching thing (I have always done this, things like hold his hand while walking, putting my hand on his leg in the car while he's driving, things like this that cause a physical connections between us) and being more attentive. Sex has been good, I know tonight will need downtime so I will go to bed early, do some self love, take my ambien-smoke a little and be asleep when he comes in so there is not stress about performing. I've done this a lot over the past year.

BTW, I sell sex toys for a living, my bedroom looks like a XXX shop. I have no needs when it comes to orgasm...my body is fulfilled for about 30 minutes with self-love but my mind, my brain, my senses are NOT fulfilled that way. After thinking about it for a few days, I've concluded that if I had to choose between orgasm and foreplay for the rest of my life, I'd choose foreplay. I'd choose the touching, kissing, giggling, rubbing, all the things that come with sex that only a partner can give. And leave the orgasm out entirely. I think that is pretty telling about what I need.

I'll be fine, I think much of this is perimenopause, Mother Natures way of punishing women... LOL. There are days I feel like I'm going crazy, and this original post was one of those days.

I adore my husband with everything I am. I cannot even think about life without him and not get upset. He was raised in a house where the words 'i love you' were rarely said, it was stressed to never be co-dependent on another person, and if you have a family, you must provide for them. I love his family. They are all fantastic humans and I'm proud to share the name. So, I hold no animosity to them for the way Tom is. It's just that he has 'no compelling need to see me' but it isn't a slight, it just is.

I do have a compelling need to see him, I could spend every moment of my life with him from here to death and it wouldn't be enough time. We are so alike we have full conversations with single words and gestures. I guess I have to keep doing what I've been doing, reminding him that I need him, telling him what I need, freaking out once in a while to remind him that it's important. But I really wish I could see hunger in his eyes for me. Lust that tells me he needs me, right now. I don't get that, and apparently, I need it.

To Verysexual, I always wondered, during those mostly sexless years, if Tom was getting it somewhere else, taking care of business in the shower, or just going without. He claims he just decided that this was the way it was and he dealt with it. Sometimes taking care of himself at night when I was asleep, or in the shower, but he said it mostly wasn't important. He, too, was stressed about life and it was easier to just fall asleep (the man falls asleep in under a minute...) than to try for sex, get rejected (i never actually rejected sex, I apparently unconsciously put out NO SEX signals) and end up asleep anyway. Now, I feel like I should have done something, should have seen that it was missing and important. It's why I'm getting this degree. I think there are too many couples who are going through this same thing and I want to help them not waste 10 years of vital closeness.

To abarambling, you are right. When I knew Tom needed something from me, be it attention, a work out partner, a Little League secretary, etc, I was the first in line to help. Without him asking. I could just see or sense the need and would fill it. Tom says he will do anything for me, I JUST HAVE TO ASK. Which is sometimes difficult for me. I hate asking for attention that I feel like he should just know I need it. After 22 years (or 32, depending on how you measure, we met when I was 16), I feel like he should also think about what I need, ask himself 'when was the last time i offered her a back rub' or whatever. I shouldn't have to ask, for me asking is like say 'i don't really want to help you do the dishes, but do you want my help?' I never ask him if he wants a foot massage when he is talking about how his feet hurt after a full day of umpiring. I grab the lotion, sit on the couch and tell him to give me his feet. Isn't that how it should be? I'm more than fine giving him a foot massage. They last about 40 minutes, BTW. I want him to know that I care about him, his feet, his body, his mind, etc. What I would like is for him to grab the lotion, ask for my feet and spend 5 minutes on my soles. And he would do my feet, anytime, but I have to ask first. To me that feels like being a dog. My dog will sit at my feet and when he needs a scratch on the head, will raise his head and make a noise. I'll scratch and he'll be good and put his head down when he's done. The best thing for him, though, is when I walk over to him, sit on the carpet with, and use both hands to pet and scratch and love and make him feel like he is the bestest doggie to ever grace the earth. And so he needs less of my love at other times, He knows he's loved. I just get the scratch when I ask, so it seems like I ask a lot more than should be needed.

Ah well, thanks to you all, for the advice, the suggestions and the time you've given me.

Gini

 

I didnt mean to try overtake this thread before.

The point i was trying to get at was sexology is that you just sound more motivated than most. Which really just comes down to sex drive or metabolism that leads to just being more interested in a range of things, not just sex

Problems in the bedroom, but your hubby sounds content

It is a generalization, doesnt apply to all of course, but the miserable wife syndrome is too common, and they are usually the same, not interested enough in anything or anyone else, which is tied to that sex drive, metabolism. Ending up miserable was inevitable irrespective of the husband. Guys going decades never feeling desired by the wife is not healthy

You could try the hall pass thing, but then there are a mountain of problems trying to find a guy with the right stamina and if older especially always suspicious of a womans true motives


The orgasm vs foreplay thing is a bit trippy, as you have to train yourself, your own body in much the way you were describing training your dog. In that you have to lie to yourself. Just reach into the cupboard, get whichever toy it is, quick to orgasm, but you are not turned on enough everywhere else.

Best strategy does sound like sticking to foreplay, dont pressure him to perform then battery assisted finish line. Best for him, frustrating, but best for you also in the long run becuase youll be more turned on, every other part of the body. You have to lie to yourself in that way

 

Thanks VG, I may need to try that. I haven't before thinking he would feel bad that he couldn't perform to the end.
I'll have to speak to him about that.

 

Plus lets face it, finding that guy with the stamina you need, who will stay hard and not cum, for the hours, yes hours you need....and who is not also a complete arsehole, angry cromag, or a whiney pussy

You really are talking about 1 in a 1000 guys, if even that

Why baby jesus invented dildos and vibrators

 

No, I don't need hours, I need daily. I'm easy to please, I just need 30 minutes a day.

 

It seems as if there is a lot of pressure even though it is unintentional which is not very conducive to much spontaneity. I am not sure how gratifying it will be long term if it is only being done to appease. That could cause resentment and also further ED.

You may have needs but so does he. Perhaps taking care of your own is also something that you should consider on a regular basis (within your marriage).

Not an easy situation but remembering that you both have needs and wants is important. Especially when they differ.

Wishing you the best with all of this.

 

We spoke at length last night, again, about me and my needs. We've come to a great conclusion...He will actually tell me when he thinks he won't be able to perform. This is not something he's done, ever. He told me once a long time ago that he would never say NO and has done his best to keep that promise. So, I finally got him to say he would let me know if it's not going to happen. Which give me options, like taking care of myself before he comes to bed and then still being able to cuddle when he gets in. He's held me in the middle of the night the last three nights and it's done so much for my brain needs, it doesn't take much, but if you're not used to doing anything, it seems like a lot. He's trying...and that's all I can ask.


I know that my making this a big deal hasn't helped, so I'm trying my best to curb it all.
I feel some days like I am crazy, then the next morning, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and it's a beautiful day.
Totally cray cray, as my 16 year old says...