major life experience that reactivated my missing libido

I recently had a major experience that caused a pretty serious reorganization of various aspects of my personality that I realized had been fractured over time by a variety of "metoo" moments, most of them pretty minor but when factored together along with the "metoo" culture we live in, I slowly lost my libido over the years. Don't worry, I will NOT discuss any specific "metoo" type things. It's just important to know that's what lay at the heart of my problem.


In all of my relationships, I've always had this problem of losing sexual desire for my partner after some undefined period of time after the relationship started. My libido was always very strong at the beginning, but it always waned. I still loved them and wanted to be around them, I just wasn't interested in sex at all and resentment grew between us because I was always rejecting their advances, nor did I ever make any of my own. Quite frankly, I didn't know how, let alone say what I wanted if I actually did engage in sex, much to the annoyance of my partners.


Then I got past my first two major relationships in 1994 when I left the second one and started my own life. 1995 was an awesome year when I explored relationships again from a new perspective of being ninety pounds lighter, which made me feel great about myself since the only reason I had let myself get large was because I didn't want attention. My coworkers began asking me when the next new hottie would come walking up the stairs to see me at work.


So when my hubbie and I met, we had a pretty awesome sex life, like most new couples. Then an unfortunate #metoo thing happened that I won't get into and was totally NOT his fault or anything, it just reminded me of something that happened when I was little, and without my really realizing it that old "no I don't want to" barrier erected itself.


And it stayed there and slowly grew bigger and stronger, causing us to have less and less sex over the years until a few years ago, when it became solid. Not only did I really NOT want to have sex, it was uncomfortable when I did. It was like I had died from the waist down. I would begrudgingly engage in it occasionally just to make my husband happy, because I felt sorry for him, and I knew neither of us really understood what was wrong.


Such was life until three weeks ago when the effects of some drugs I had been taking finally wore off, and all my energy spewed out in the form of some very bizarre posts on Facebook along with some frightening experiences involving loss of self-identity I'd rather not get into. I'm still not sure if I willingly stopped posting or if X made me, I'll have to ask him.


Now, the timeline is super fuzzy for me and doesn't clear up for several days, and some events may have happened on separate days or the same day, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that while attempting to sleep for at least a couple of nights, I'm pretty sure, I kept waking up in a panic not knowing where, when, who I was, or even IF I was. But there was always this tiny silent knowledge that I just had to stick my hand out and someone would be there.


I do remember having some mind-blowing sex at my insistence at some point and that was kind of the final grabbing-of-the-ethereal rope that had grown so long and I could reel myself back in, ever so slowly. My brain would try to run away a few more times but it never went as far and he was always there to catch me, and we used sex to keep me grounded in reality.


After two days, though, that yielded a very unfortunate side effect: a nearly instant headache upon orgasm. Thankfully that decreased in severity each time and now it doesn't happen anymore. I mean, how cruel is that: get your libido back only you get a smashing headache every time you get off? Needless to say I was kind of annoyed for a few days, particularly since at one point while we were engaged I literally felt my chakras explode. It was like BANG HELLO CHAKRAS ARE REAL.


*insert image of Neo from the Matrix going "Whoa."*


Ever since then my libido has been knocking on my door, very politely I might add, saying "ahem, I know we've been away for a while but we have lost time to make up for", but always at times of mutual desire.


Well last night, I took my meds and stuff and settled down to watch the same damned movie I've fallen asleep to for the last five days. When I felt I wasn't watching the movie anymore, I put the computer aside and laid down. I didn't go to sleep, though, and I noticed that my newfound buoyancy was really laying low all of a sudden and kind of simmering on low, because I'd had a pretty fun day with music and stuff so that seemed odd to me. I got back up, got the computer and attempted to do something enjoyable, but I couldn't.


Finally I got dressed and went down to smoke and listen to music. I kept asking myself what this weird feeling was and after a while I was like, "um, dude, you're horny, it's just weird because you forgot what it's like."


So I went back upstairs and, um, took care of that problem by waking up my husband.


But even so, now that I've recognized and acknowledged that sensation, it's, um, well, hard to ignore, hee. We're not in our 20s without kids anymore, it's not like I can just go interrupt him while he's working even though he does so at home and even if I could, the kids are here (yes, we somehow managed to get pregnant despite a severe lack of sex). Yeah, the door locks but it's not, um, soundproof, tee hee.


Yes, I'm still kind of uncomfortable talking about these things, it's very weird for me for reasons that relate to my parents, especially my mother, and their very strange sense of boundaries when it came to educating children about sex. My entire childhood was one giant TMI moment punctuated by several "metoo" ones.


I realize there's a very obvious solution to being unable to access your partner to satisfy your libido, but quite frankly it's not the same. It doesn't frustrate me or anything, but afterwards I'm still like, "nope, I still want me some of that."


NO, I'm certainly not complaining, not after something like five years of total physical anhedonia suddenly fell off me like an avalanche, this is just a kind of strange state to be in that I'm not familiar with. I went from "please god don't touch me" to "hmmmm, are you busy dear??" and going to sleep cuddling up with him every night in the space of just a few days.


I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this. It's not like I'm describing a problem or anything. I think I just really wanted to share it with people also talking about sex, which as I mentioned, is weird for me yet I seem to be doing it relatively well, both in writing and when I'm engaged with my husband. Seriously, that's very bizarre for me to be able to say what I want or something as simple as "slower" or "faster".


This all means so much to me that it's hard to talk about without bursting into tears because I love my husband so much and feel bad for all those years I pushed him away. For a while he couldn't even put a hand on my leg just to acknowledge I was there because it reminded me of something I didn't want to think about.


But that's all over now and we're both pretty happy about it. I'm also rediscovering the meaning of music, which I also lost (if you don't know what anhedonia is, there's a Wikipedia page on it, but actually *experiencing* an ability to experience pleasure is not truly conveyable with words). I'm just glad that seems to be over and now I listen to music in my kitchen and dance while my coffee is brewing, and then I spend all day rediscovering my life with music and pictures and lots of other stuff, and then at night I get to cuddle with my husband and maybe/probably/definitely? make love and man, it's just so nice.


I tried not to make this too long, but if you read the whole thing, thank you. Again, not sure what I'm looking for, I just know this is a place I can put this sort of thing and it won't be judged. I'm going to go finish making a playlist of sexy music for us to listen to later.