LSD, love, "love", and confusion

When I was younger, already at the age of 10; I wanted nothing more than a boyfriend, someone who loved me. I don't know where this longing for love comes from, but until this day I can't feel complete without "love" in my life.

I was bullied a lot at school, and I never had a "childhood"-boyfriend; no male friends, overall boys where the ones that where the meanest to me and made out a threat. But things finally got better when I turned 16. I met Mr. O, a really nice boy, and we where a couple for 5 whole years. In the end we had both changed and grown apart, and I had to break up with him. It was really painful, and I think it was one of the worst periods in my life.

After breaking up with him, I had 2 random one night stands and then met another guy, Mr. R; who I dated for a few months. We even said that we loved each other. Now I know that was no love at all, and he actually was a pretty egoistic and manipulative guy.

So I stopped dating Mr. R, and only a couple WEEKS after that I met another guy Mr. M; and we ended up as a couple for 1,5 years. And during this time with him it actually felt really serious, we said that we loved each other, hung out a lot and everything was "so good". My friends and his friends got along great.

But I actually knew, probably already after a couple of months with Mr. M that this too was just fake and all I did was living in denial. We smoked a LOT of weed together when we hung out, and that made me pretty numb and probably led to me just being ok with everything and ignoring all the warning signs flashing in the background.

So about 3 weeks ago I finally broke up with Mr. M, but after only 1 week got "back together" with him again because I couldn't stand being alone. And we hung out just like we used to, smoked weed, had sex, laughed, had a really good time...

Then last week I went to a festival. And somehow I met a really good looking and wonderful guy, Mr. T. We spent a lot of time together, and I even shared his first LSD-trip with him. LSD, feelings, emotions and sex is a really really delicate situation.

I was very "on to" Mr. T. I wanted to be near him all the time, touch him, feel him, be close to him. We talked about it, and he did say that he was a little annoyed with me being so "touchy" during the trip. We did trip with others, but I almost got so obsessed with Mr. T that I forgot about the others.
He gave my female friend a massage during the trip, and I actually was really jealous; HOW could I even allow myself jealousy in this situation? I had met Mr. T a day before and had not the slightest right to have him for myself.

Mr. T actually has a whole different view on sex than me. He liked being close to me, but instead of just fucking mindless, he told me to take it slow. During the LSD-trip we didn't even have sex, we just kissed. And the night before, we had some wine and weed and first started having sex but he "stopped" me pretty soon and just "cuddled" with me instead.

So maybe you have seen a pattern in my "love"-life by now. I meet a guy, break up, meet a new one, and "fall in love", and so on. After the LSD-trip with Mr. T I was very shook up. I finally started to understand how I had mistreated myself, my feelings, "love"; and the feelings of others.

At first my brain and my feelings started to work in its usual patterns. I wanted to meet Mr. T again, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I pretty much felt like I had a huge crush on him.

Mr. T lives in the same town as me; but I will move away in about a month. Mr. T will be back from the festival in a couple of days. I don't know if he has any interest in meeting me again. He knows that I will move away soon too.
Maybe, for him this was a normal thing, just to share some intimate wonderful moments with someone, without getting obsessed with the person, just enjoying the moment and then "move on". I have now idea if he often "hooks up" with people, if I was something special to him whatsoever.

I just know how I get, and how I can't handle emotions and feelings on this level. At least for me, the LSD made this whole thing very special to me since I felt like we really connected on a higher level of consciousness.

Now I feel very confused, shook up, but in some weird way still very good, refreshed, reborn. I really hope that Mr. T will "forget" about me, but at the same time I wish for nothing more than for him to contact me. I know that I could never resist if he actually would ask me if I´d like to meet him again...
I know that I really shouldn't.

I don't want to "fall in love" again. "Fall in love"- because I don't really fall in love I just poor all of my emotions and feelings into a weird fantasy where somebody else can save me and give my life meaning and give me that something that is missing in my life.

I just don't know how I should move on with my life. It feels like I will "fall in love" with every other guy that shows any interest in me. I really CAN'T control my feelings. I can't.

Since I was 16 I´ve not been single for more than a months or so. I´m 23 now so yeah, for 8 years I have not been "on my own", for 8 YEARS. Since my first boyfriend I´ve almost constantly had someone. I don't know how to be alone, and I´m so jealous of the ones who say they have a really hard time to ever fall in love.


I want to be able to meet a guy without obsessing, without jealousy, without taking things so god damn "serious". I just want to be able to live, be a free person.

Where can I find that something that I feel I can find in others, in myself? Where should I look for it, what should I look for?
I just can't live like this any longer.