My ex-boyfriend (first one, and only one to date) is coming to visit me in Berlin on Friday for the weekend. As I was planning it out I was thinking "oh cool, he's coming, itll be nice to see him again finally." Fast forward to now- and Im thinking "what are we going to even DO?" Quick history on this relationship: His names Phillip, and I met him back in the US where I actually live (im only living in berlin now for an exchange trip for 11 months). He was visiting the older sister (Sara) of my exgirlfreind (Betty) (Id just realized I was fully gay and not bi). I met him while at Bettys house, and we fell in love and started dating. We kissed and then found out that Sara was in love with him and wanted to confess her love to him the very day she saw us kissing. We felt terrible, and then tried the whole 5 weeks that he was in the US to keep our relaitonship, or "affair" on the downlow. That only pissed Sara off, and by the end of Phillips visit, they were quite angry with eachother. He left, and we were both really depressed, he sent me a letter a couple months later saying he didnt love me anymore or something, but that he always wanted to be there for me, and that even tho he lived across an ocean he wanted to be part of my life and a freind. So we've emailed since then.. He didnt email as much as I woulda liked, he said he wanted ot be there for me but he wasnt when I told him about my problems. I told him I was pissed, and he then got pissed. We apologized, and were back on good terms, but for the first time, i naturally just stopped writing to him. Then I got here to Germany for my exchange trip. During my frist month here, i thought "oh Ill write him since were in the same country" and then suddenly BAM! he wrote me actual emails! And hed reply really quickly and often and he wrote a lot, and it was at hte point where ID be the one not replying to his emails. We talked about meeting up, and he said hed love to, but that I had to remember we were just friends. I said "of course", because I seriously dont want him anymore as a boyfriend. 9 Months later into my exhcange trip, so, now, we planned it out and hes coming this friday. and now that his arrival is in about 3 days, I cant stop thinking about it, and what itll be like at all. I mean, we havent seen eachother at all for 2 years, we ahvent even spoken on the phone, and we'Ve defintley both changed ove rhte past two years, Im sure of it, everyone changes over years, and weve only written emails to eachother, most of the time short ones...so I just dont know what to expect at all with seeing him. I dont know if Ill see him and suddenly want him again, or if Ill cringe at him and wonder how I ever thought Id wanted him, or what! And also, im thinking, Ive only ever been with him in person as we were dating and in love, so Ive always been around him treating him as a boyfriend, so seeing him again in person I feel like will be fucking with my brain, cuz my brain will associate his presence with our relationship....ah thats so poorly worded, but do you kind of get what I mean? Like, I dont know how itll be just "being freinds" with him... So then that leads me to thinking "What a fucking minute! I thought I was fully over him! I AM over him!" But...but...what? aah Im so confused. Advice!