+--lost Soul--+

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by pistol, May 19, 2004.

  1. pistol

    pistol Member

    As the sun sets, I sit and stare,

    im out in the middle of no-where.

    The blinding light shines into my eyes,

    all i can see is the pain in my mind.

    I look away... its still there,

    im wondering if ill get some-where?

    The pain is DEEP>>

    Deep within the confusion of a LOST SOUL

    never given the chance to be whole

    split apart by actions untold

    by futile acts of a foolish child

    living in the world of the wicked and wild.


    Such is Life, a learning process.

    Theres always a Past.

    Theres always a Present.

    Theres definately always a future.

    IF I LEARN FROM THE past,

    AND APPLY WHAT I LEARN TO THE present,

    my FUTURE will benefit.

    I WILL BECOME A BETTA MAN.



    COPY RIGHT 2004 >>< pistol
     
  2. Sebbi

    Sebbi Senior Member

    Do you want criticism on this?

    Blessings

    Sebbi
     
  3. this is very moving
    as i read i remembered all we search for is to be
    a better person human in the future.

    what a path to learn to create oursleves again and again

    lovely piece it opened my thoughts to finding peace in
    my self.
    love n peace from saff
     
  4. pistol

    pistol Member

    hey hey, wow people actually read my poem!! I like these forums!!


    yes please, bring on the criticism!!! I love criticism!!! especially the contructive kind!!



    Heres another ..... ::

    CUPID SHOT AN ARROW INTO MY HEART,
    THE MOMENT I SAW YOU MY WISH PLAYED A PART.
    FROM THE RADIANT GLOW WHICH SHINED OUT FROM YOU,
    THE DREAM OF MY DREAMS WAS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
    AS I RELEASED THE ARROW AND TROUGH IT AWAY,
    YOU PUT MY HEART IN MOTION AND IT STARED TO SWAY.
    MY HEART WAS BEATING TO BRING ME CLOSER TO YOU,
    WITH ONLY ONE THING TO SAY WAS THAT "I LOVE YOU".


     
  5. Sebbi

    Sebbi Senior Member

    I really like the first Stanza and too be honest that the second Stanza drags the first one down a bit.

    I think that the second Stanza would work well on it's own. My crit on that would be only to remove the first line, it makes it look a bit like you are trying to not sound crazy when really when you are expressing yourself you are saying what you percieve to be true, not trying to say what you percieve and look for agreement, just let agreement come on it's own accord. For example, saying "Red is good" is much better than "I think that Red is good, do you agree?", or perhaps "Well maybe, sometimes, red is good."

    In my mind that seems to apply to the first line of the second Stanza, I'm not sure how you can relate to that though.

    By the way I love "CUPID". I don't have anything to say that I think will improve it.

    Blessings

    Sebbi
     

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