Losing my mother

If anyone here has lost a parent, how did you cope with it and how long did it take you to accept their death? My mother's kidneys and other surrounding organs are beginning to shut down and even if she gets on the transplant list, she'll die waiting. She has had many chronic diseases for years. Dialysis may be an option but she is still going to die very prematurely. I just need some advice here, and I apologize for whining.

 

I'm sorry. No advice but lots of empathy.

 

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening. You might want to see a counselor who specializes in death/berevement.

You might want to think about things that you want to communicate to her before she dies.

When my grandmother was dying, I made an audio recording with samples from other recordings of the music that she loved to play, and the voices of some of her close friends. She wasn't able to speak at the time, but it seemed like she liked that.

It might be worthwhile to consider if acupuncture/chinese herbal medicine might be helpful to her, but I'm not suggesting that this will be a miracle cure.

I hope for good things for you and your mother.

 

You may want to consider reading Vianna Stibal's Theta Healing. It can't prevent eventual death for anyone but the belief work Vianna does is pretty remarkable. Even if it helps to bring comfort to your Mom (and you), it would be worth it. If purchasing the book isn't an interest or option, maybe you can check your local library to see if they have a copy. Most libraries offer a state-wide service so if the book isn't available at your closest library but another location has it, they'll get the book for you. You should be able to access your library's catalog online.

http://www.amazon.com/ThetaHealing-Diseases-Disorders-Vianna-Stibal/dp/1401934978/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_z"]ThetaHealing Diseases and Disorders: Vianna Stibal: 9781401934972: Amazon.com: Books

One thing you'd find is guidance for releasing beliefs like .. having to apologize for yourself ("whining"). I certainly don't think you're whining. But that's the sort of "belief work" that Vianna offers in her book. It's really worth considering .. I hope you find it useful.

 

I don't think you need to make any apologies. My dad died in a similar way (different disease but over a long period of time). My step-mom died suddenly of a heart attack about a year and a half later. Both deaths were different for me.

My advice is to say everything now. I know it's hard to see ways to feel fortunate right now but one thing you have is the time to say everything and resolve anything. My dad and I were so lucky to have been able to have that. I don't know how it will be for you but for me....by the time my dad finally died...I was ready and actually wanted him to die. There was no point to prolonging it. One way I heard of describing the grieving process is to say that the pain will never go away. But what happens is the period of time in between the times you experience the pain gradually increases until you spend most of your time not experiencing it. My dad died nine years ago and it actually brought a tear to my eye to type this but that hasn't happened for a while and it's ok that it does. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk privately.


Edit to say....I just noticed that this is your first post. I don't think you can PM people yet.

 

I lost my mother last April....so almost one year now. It is hard. One of the most difficult losses one will ever face, if not the most difficult, I was told.
It has been very hard. She died unexpectedly in her sleep and she should have lived another 15-20 years......
Everyone grieves differently....Cry if you want, talk to people, if you want....but let her know how much you love her while she is still here. I did not get that chance.....


I am sorry about your mother.

 

I lost my Dad 22 yrs ago for lung cancer 13 yrs.in the makeing and Mom 11 yrs.this April from kidney failer,5 yrs in the makeing.Honey I know it is hard becouse the mind says one thing and the heart never wants to give up.You can not change what is going to happen but you can be in control of the last of her life.Be there for her,rezalve anything between you now and enjoy the rest of your time together.Hold her hand and be there for her and that will mean everything to her I promise you that.It will not be easy and the heart willhurt the mind will tire on your part but you will get through it and you will go on.You will always miss her forever but the pain will fade and you will grab the memories and everything she has taught you over the yrs. and it will sistain you in good times and bad.God Bless and keep you and yours

 

3 of my family died within 12 months a few years ago.
My father is the one I lost first, then a brother & then a nephew. I miss my father the most. Always miss him & have a photo of him on our bedroom wall.

 

Enjoy your time as much as you can is all I know to say, hun. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My stepdad found out he had rectal cancer only about 4 months before he passed. I never felt so close to him and I am thankful that I had that. He was a good man that took me a long time to get close to. But before he passed I made sure that I said everything I ever wanted to say to him. I've never seen someone feel so complete just by being able to be close to the ones he loved before he died.

As far as coping within yourself, I wish you the best. I try to see death as simply a doorway we cannot see into because it is beyond our understanding. His energy had to go somewhere and I am just glad that it is not in pain anymore.

I apologize if any of that sounds insensitive for I don't know you or your relationship with your mother. Just know there are people you can talk to. But right now try not to let that stop the last time in her life from being the best time because you are together now.

 

Sorry to hear about this... It's not easy losing your mom.

 

I wont miss my mother much at all when she passes away - she wasn't that great at being one, wasn't much as a grandmother or as a mother in law. She rarely use to visit me & my wife when we lived in the same town as her. Maybe 2 times per year.

 

^

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's illness. I lost my mom 20 years ago. I agree with everything Wizardofodd said. Take this time to say the things you want to say. Spend as much time with her as you can. This is time you will never get back. Take pictures of things like her hands or little physical things you want to remember. My mom always crossed her feet when she was in her recliner and always shook her foot. One day my dad didn't know he was recording on his video camera and took like 5 minutes of my moms feet. It's weird that seeing something like that can bring so much happiness.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you everything will be ok. Losing your mom will probably be one of the hardest things you will ever go through in your life. Time heals pain though. After a while the memories of how bad it hurts your heart will start to fade and when you think of her you will slowly start to remember the great memories instead of the pain you will feel. When it happens the first few weeks you will probably be in auto pilot taking care of things. You will have a lot of people checking up on you and asking you if you are ok. Eventually those people will stop calling. That is when you will really have to deal with it. When you finally have time to stop and think about it without having to act strong for everyone else. It's ok to cry and break down. I assure you, the pain will always be there but it gets easier to deal with as the years go by. I wish you peace as you go through this time in your life. When you are able to PM feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk. Although I will never say I know how you feel because nobody does, I will say I know how severe a loss of a mother is. If you ever need to talk I'm here and I know a lot of others are too.

 

Ruby, 20 years ago? I am so very sorry....My mom's death anniversary of one year will be on April 28....I may need you to talk to, too....
It is too hard of a loss for anyone.....

DEATH SUCKS!

 

Yeah. I was 15 when she passed away. She was sick almost my whole life off and on. I'm sorry to hear about your mom too. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

I promise it gets easier with time. The first few years are pretty rough but as time goes by it gets easier. Now I only think of the good memories. Even though she was sick a lot we had so many good times. It seems like it will never get better when it is so fresh and new but I promise it gets easier.

 

Thank you, Ruby.

 

Im so sorry Ruby

No need to apologise!!!!!

I am so sorry your going thru this....... The best thing you can do right now is be there for MA as much as you can....... I know its hard sometimes!

God bless you my friend,peace and love to you and your family.......I WILL SAY A PRAYER FOR MA

 

It is really important to take the time to say to your mom what you want to share with her. Spend time with her and cherish it.

Take the time to grieve when you have to. There is no time line and everyone is different. I found the first hard, like Christmas, birthday and Sundays as we always had family dinners.

Remember the good times as that will help with healing.

 

I lost my mother suddenly a week ago today after not having made amends because of how irrational her health made her.

I'm honestly still trying to wrap my mind around it.

 

I am so sorry my friend.........

Talk to your mom now,her spirit may be there watching over you,tell her you love her and are sorry for the disagreements you had.....


Peace and love to you my friend