I have a problem that I could use some insight for. Back in the day, my wife used to like to drink. The trouble was that she would become VERY abusive towards me and would launch into vile tirades - no matter who was around. The more she drank, the worse it got. I would confront her about it the next day or two and she would claim to not remember anything - and it did not much matter how much she had to drink. Some of the things she would say were very cruel and demeaning. It all came to an end one night many years ago when we were partying with the same group of friends we always did when she decided to lay into me again. It was that point I decided I had enough and simply left the party. I found out later that she continued to drink and later went into an empty bedroom to sleep it off. She says that she woke up to find one of the guys at the party having sex with her - against her will she maintains. When I found out about it, I confronted the guy and he told me that she had been playing up to him all night and he also maintains that he did not know it was her - he said he thought it was someone else that was at the party. I asked some of the other people at the party what went on and all anyone would tell me was, "well you know what she is like when she drinks". It was this incident that served as the catalyst for her to quit drinking - not the horrible treatment she leveled at me. So now my question. It has always been my belief that when people spout stuff off when they drink, it is the booze that gives them the courage to say things that they think but cannot say. Am I right in this? Over the years I have never been able to reconcile this and when I try to let my feelings be known to her from time to time, she just says that I am just dredging up old shit for no reason. I know I am likely going to get some unsavory responses here, but I do need to know...what should I do?...What would you do if faced with the same thing? Thanks for reading and responding. Lusthawk
So I'm curious, what is your relationship like these days? If she is sober, faithful and loving today then I wouldn't throw the relationship out the window. You obviously have not healed yet...just tell her that. Try to get some get some professional help, either alone or together. Let your wife know that you just want to get the past behind you once and for all.
I would put a bar of soap in a sock and give her the beating of a lifetime. Let her know that you are in charge.
i agree w/ dice if she's cleaned up her act 4give her. if she's still drinking + her current faithfulness is in question get out while u can. either way, u should seek professional help 2 deal w/ the stuff from ur past
hmmm...interesting thoughts...thnx for the reply...I guess my question was a bit vague...Because she would go off on me like that when she would drink...and booze makes people say things they would not otherwise say but in fact DO feel...Does this mean she harbors resentment towards me for some reason?...does this woman who says she loves in fact despise me inside?
I was a bit like this ten years ago. When I was challenged once on my claims of not remembering things, I researched it and discovered that unlike I'd assumed, not everyone experienced black outs like I did. Normal alcohol related memory losses can be remembered.. Someone could jog your memory or as an extreme put you under hypnosis. I've forgotten what they called it but there is another form of memory loss where heavy drinking causes your short term memories to not even be made. Someone could have hypnotized me and I still would never remember my blackouts. What was scary was that reports from others were that I could walk and talk, so never seemed especially drunk. And sometimes I was vile. I said horrific things to people i loved, and I KNOW it wasn't a case of alcohol making me say things I thought and hid.. It was like.. Not me. My best friend/boyfriend at the time made a video of me once. It was the hardest thing to watch. I'd do that, if she drinks again. If she doesn't drink again, give her a chance. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she isn't the person who said all those things. Because in the ten years since I was in that place, I have never been the person alcohol makes me, not when I'm angry or sad.. Only alcohol does that to me, and I don't believe it IS me. I know how she feels about dredging up the past.. It's hard to take responsibility for a person you never remember being. But equally, I know it's hard for the people who have dealt with drunken abuse to forget what was said. I'd advise you to research the blackouts thing. Maybe talk to her about that and see if she agrees that it matches her experience. Until I researched it I assumed everyone meant what I meant when they said they'd forgotten things while drunk.
UPDATE... After some discussions with the wife, it was determined that she had decided to quit drinking BEFORE the incident with that guy - she admitted that she had neglected to tell me this tho. The result was that I thought she did not decide to quit until AFTER that incident - big difference as I thought that what she was doing to me was not important enough - but I guess it was. I also did some research and discussed it with her and we came to the conclusion that what was motivating her to say these things was likely fear - the fear that I would leave her for something better. She has always had self-esteem issues and her sense of self worth was not so good - the fear for her was that I would "wake up" one day and realize that I wanted something better than her and that if that was going to happen, she wanted it to happen and get it over with. She has stayed true to her word since then and has sworn off booze forever - which she says she has not missed at all. At least now I can reconcile all this with the knowledge that she did think that being abusive towards me was wrong and needed to stop drinking to make it stop. And that it was not resentment that was in her heart but fear - and that what was making her say all those things.
For some people alcohol is a poison and can turn a quiet gentle person into a raging bull. If these people ever want a life and a relationship, they need to get right off the alcohol PERMANENTLY. I have known of 2 destroyed marriages and one guy serving 7 years in prison for nearly killing a guy. After he sobered up, he had no idea who the guy was, or what caused them to fall out.
