This week has been a little tough on me. I am reliving last Thanksgiving... when my family was upset with me for hurting their mother in August when she discovered that I had a house guest visiting when everyone else was gone. That houseguest was my "boyfriend" of 11 months. Ironically, it was the first time he had been here. Up until that time, my daughter and her family had been living with us, and there had never been a time when I was alone at home for any determined length of time for the last few years. It's not like my wife didn't know that about my attractions to men. She had known, but for her it was easier for her to ignore what she wanted and not see what she didn't want to see. Up until I met him, I was content, like many of the guys here often share - to simply look for sexual satisfaction from a man, and let it be a secret, a discreet encounter...nothing more. When I met him, there was almost immediate attraction. He was a dark Italian, and my ginger fair-skinned complexion seemed to be his thing... but more than the physical, we shared on an intellectual and emotional level I had not known in a long time. We discovered we were sexually compatible, but we were also affectionate with one another, and we enjoyed one another's company so much. We could talk, listen, laugh and appreciate each other. It was something both of us had been missing for a long time. It was like a dream come true. He made promises quickly and I began to dream of a new life with him. I should have known better. He was deeply closeted. He was afraid of what would happen if he came out. He was still married and living with his wife - but he was also quick to point out that I was living with my wife, too - the only difference was I was willing to make some changes if he was... it turned out he was not. Looking back, I can see the warning signs better now than I saw it then... That day - when my wife came home unexpectedly, and she realized there was something going on here -all the shit hit the fan. Not only did I violate my wife's sanctuary by bringing a lover into her home, even if (to my minor credit) I did not violate her personal space here (justifying, I know) But, in the process, instead of my wife confronting me, she ran to my daughter and to my sons - and told them what she thought was going on here. They all assumed this was some random hook-up, some meaningless thing - I guess what it meant to me was inconsequential to them - I had broken a trust my wife imagined existed between us - it didn't much matter who this guy was or what he meant to me. To make matters worse, my so-called boyfriend reacted with such guilt that he decided to pull away from me. When I needed his support the most, he withdrew, telling me he was going to try to rebuild his marriage and that I, also, needed to "repent" and ask my wife for forgiveness... and renounce any and all association with anything related to LGBTQ. I was devastated. That fall was one of the worst times of my life. I was sure my wife and I were headed for divorce. The tension between us was the worst it had ever been. She had no comprehension or sympathy for me, and my children had none, either. I felt I had lost everything. I had to leave my home and family on Thanksgiving, and I spent the day at a dear friend's home with his family. I think it was a good idea, as painful as it was... it was like a two-edged sword. My family did not want to sit down at the thanksgiving table with me, but my absence played a larger and different result than my presence would have. When I got home later that night - my wife told me she never wanted to repeat a holiday like that again. We decided to let things be and put any discussions of our future on hold until after the new year. Christmas was different but at least we were together. My wife approached me in early 2022, after the holidays, and suggested that she could continue to live with me, sharing this house we owned together for the last 25 years, but live separate lives. She recognized that she could do better with me than separate from me. Years ago, I had built an in-law apartment on this house. My mother and her father both lived here for periods of time before they passed on. Now, my wife lives there - independently as possible. We come and go as we please. We come together when the kids and grandkids come for a visit. No questions asked. No drama. no love lost. The only difficulty I see is my lack of privacy and the fact that I am lonely. Out of respect for her, I do not invite my friends or lovers here. I try to be discreet. It is as if I live an entirely different life separate from my family's awareness, yet it is right under their noses. It is as if they do not want to know. They only know that I am the one who hurt her. There is no acknowledgement of my pain, of my struggles, or my coming to terms with myself, or my need for them to fully know and understand me. They say it is enough that they do not reject me. Yet, they do not embrace me fully. That wall I feel may have been built by my own doing. Thanksgiving this year will be as it has been for many years - minus last year - my kids and grandkids will be here. My wife's aunt and cousin will come. We will have a wonderful meal on dishes I will bring out that once belonged to my mother. I will remember my past and the wonderful memories I have of the family I grew up with - missing my grandparents and parents, and marveling at the same time the family I have created and nurtured all these years. Yet, I will feel an ache in my heart that cannot be filled. I will see my son kiss and hug his girlfriend, and I will see my daughter do the same - showing signs of normal love and affection with each other. My wife will be on the other end of our table, near her aunt, and her affection for me will be non-existent, as it has been for several years, way before my mistakes last August. So - now we have this precarious balance in place... A year later - I am tired of guarding my heart against further hurt and sadness. I am trying to be thankful for what I have here, while I know my heart longs for something more. And if I am lucky to find something wonderful in a man and a real relationship, I also know it will upset the balance I have in place now. I feel like I want to push that precarious balance and rock the boat again, out of my own needs for something more. I debate it in my mind and question my own sanity, and so far, I wait it out. Happy Thanksgiving - with a grateful heart - that I can share with you all here.
thepapasmurph: What else can I say, except, "KEEP THE FAITH" and "STAY STRONG". I cannot possibly imagine the turmoil and emotional chaos you experienced, both with your family and your boyfriend of that time. Again, yet again, in most cases, from what I have read here, being a bi married male with a family has to be atkin, to, quite frankly, living on the edge of a smoldering volcano, NEVER knowing just WHEN it might erupt. Sadly, too, far too many times, so many people will discover that, when the going gets tough, far too many times family will react like any "outsider"....and, I am sure, THAT has to HURT......DEEPLY. As you know, I have had many trying times myself over the course of my years as a celibate gay man; I was beaten severely by a straight "friend", simply for admitting I was gay, and had one brother who refused to speak to me for several months, when he learned he had a gay brother. We gay and bi men often have so many complexities and injustices within our lives, that a straight man would not be able to comprehend what we far too often must endure. You, good friend, did NOT ask to be a bi man, any more than I asked to be a gay man. How and why some of us are born gay or bi, while most men are born straight, I simply cannot fathom, for the life of me. However, I DO know that it is time for YOU to start thinking of YOURSELF. You, obviously, have been a good husband to your wife, and a good father to your kids. Given this, YOU, indeed, deserve CONSIDERATION, SUPPORT, and RESPECT from your loved ones. Too, you most certainly deserve to FINALLY meet with another man who will give you everything you desire in this life, and realize just what a GOOD man you are. Keep the faith and stay strong, my friend....you are NOT alone, by any means, and have many friends here....... "Live long and prosper"
There is so much here, and I think the last thing you need is to be pulled apart so we on the interned can peck at. Brother, I can only suggest honesty and love. Be honest with yourself. Give the love within yourself to others. Share it and it will be rewarded in ways unimagined. Happy Thanksgiving
thepapasmurph: ONE thing that you can certainly be THANKFUL for, this Thanksgiving....is all the supportive FRIENDS you have made here, including yours truly! We are ALL here for you, my friend!
Well I'm sorry for you Papa.....and als ok angry; from what u say there seems to be little consideration of your needs.....and your kids should realise that there are two sides to everything and stay out if it. It's not as if you are vindictively trying to hurt your wife. And the idea that you should not be able to have visitors in your part of the house I think unbelievable and unacceptable. Good luck, Simon
